


Mama May

by YulianaHenderson



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Adoption, F/M, Family Fluff, Happily Ever After, Miscarriage, Most aos characters show up, Parent Melinda May, Parent Phil Coulson, Team as Family, kids with disabilities, mama may, pregnant may
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-25 22:52:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 105,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15650556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YulianaHenderson/pseuds/YulianaHenderson
Summary: She clutched the white stick so tight she knew she might break it, and ran, no idea where, until she was at the door to his bedroom and she was knocking loudly, almost aggressively, dammit, he was part of why she was in this goddamn mess so he had to wake up, dammit! Now he had to listen to her, something he hadn’t been doing ever since they had gotten together. If he ignored her now, she might just shoot him.Chapter 1-7 is pregnant May, chapter 8 she gives birth, and the rest is actual Mama May.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god.  
> So I'm finally publishing this baby. I've been working on it, well, pretty much non-stop since April. Every time I thought it was finished, I just kept thinking of something new, and not just at the end, no, in the middle, too. So I hope you understand I couldn't yet publish it because I was afraid that I would come up with something after publishing and I would no longer be able to put it in. (Might still have some ideas pop into my head, I will probably do a deleted scenes chapter at the very end...)  
> Anyway, please be careful with this baby, I've nurtured it for so long and I'm actually quite scared of publishing it. Not just saying this to get more sympathy, just putting my feelings out there.  
> Thanks so much for clicking, and I hope you enjoy Mama May!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May finds out she's pregnant, and Coulson tries to convince her he'll stay.

Perhaps Daisy Johnson would find this situation just, like it was meant to be, like all their years had built up to this moment, right here.

Perhaps young Melinda May, in all of her limited wisdom, would have found this situation romantic, a happy ending, a happily ever after. 

Adult Melinda May knew there was nothing romantic about this at all. There was nothing gentle in the way Phil pushed her onto her back on top of the lush bedsheets as soon as they entered their luxurious cabin in Tahiti. Nothing sweet in the way she tore his shirt off his upper body in need for closer contact.

All Melinda May really felt was rage and love; rage, because Phil Coulson had put his life above hers, theirs, had disregarded her wishes to spend more time with him; love, because despite both their actions, she loved him so deeply, she had nowhere to put it, no way to deal with it. She was angry because these fleeting moments on this island were all she would get with him.

"Meli-"

"Shut up," she hissed, and rolled them over so he was on his back. She only had a few days, tops. She had to make the best of it, honestly.

 

~...~

  
She knew she had to give him rest, but she didn't want to look back at their time spent together and think that she didn't get everything out of it that she possibly could. She didn't want to have regrets while she stood beside his grave, no matter how macabre that thought was.

But when he fell asleep after the umpteenth round of passionate lovemaking, no matter how much she wanted to go for another round, she felt affection wash over her at his sight, a kind of need to protect him, stronger than the need to be with him. She was with him like this, too, she had to remember that - she wanted to be with him, in whatever way possible. 

He smiled in his sleep when she kissed his cheek, and she melted into his side, her arms wrapping around him so tightly she wouldn't be surprised if they had become one. She loved him so much, so much of her heart was just him, his dorky smile and his beautiful words, his gorgeous heart and his Captain America obsession. She smiled solemnly at the thought. 

Having to bury him would send her to the grave.

 

~...~

  
Jemma had given him a week, tops, and even that estimate was optimistic if a little unrealistic, May knew. The days, however, turned into weeks, and when they had crossed the four weeks mark, she felt a sense of hope build inside her that she knew she had to fight down, couldn't feed, couldn't even look at.

He was still dying. The marks on his chest, which were slowly spreading to his neck, were enough to make her remember that. 

But Phil was optimistic, like he always had been, and he was starting to feel a little better, so while he might know that this was definitely not the end of it, he was much obliged to accept this temporary lapse in his death and restore his work within the agency. Which was why they had returned to SHIELD the day before.

She sat on the edge of the bed in just his shirt, watching him get dressed.

"You might make it worse by working."

He nodded, then shrugged. "Have to take the risk."

"Even if it would mean bringing you away from me?"

He looked at her, and let the words sink in. She had always known that while she was important to him, she would never be as important as SHIELD. But even though she knew of this, it still hurt to see him press his lips together and lower his head, seemingly in shame. So he knew what it was doing to her, and it still didn't keep him from his chosen path.

He stepped towards her, leaning down to kiss her, and it was so tempting to just wrap her arms around his neck and pull him down, have the day to themselves, but just as her arms moved up, he was gone.

"I'll see you later," he whispered. She damned him, but silently, like she so often did.  _ Damnit, Phil Coulson. I was with you every step of the way in Tahiti. I held your hand when you were certain you were slipping away. _

"I was there when you nearly died."

He nodded. "And I'm forever grateful. But this... I need to be there for SHIELD. It's... my calling."

He turned around and walked to the door, but as his hand rested on the knob, she saw him hesitating.

"Are you okay, May?"

"Is that even a question?"

"I guess not."

She didn't want to fight him, and her heart hurt so much when he left the room, but she hurt even more with the idea that he would still choose SHIELD over her. She would give up everything for him, in a heartbeat, no questions asked. It seemed, however, that that idea was not mutual.

 

~...~

 

She was under so much stress these days, and he would do nothing to relieve her of that. He just kept going his own way, like he had so many years before, but she had hoped that after getting together, he could change some of that behaviour. She wanted to be with him but he was hardly around anymore.

She actually slept in now, not because she wanted to, but because her body was screaming at her to rest, to stay in bed and do nothing. Her head was aching, her muscles sore, but no painkillers would reduce any of the pain. She had a feeling she would only start to feel better when he returned.

Perhaps it would all get better if she got back to work, too, like it had so often in the past, but somehow, for some reason, she couldn’t find a lot of strength these days. Maybe it calmed her nerves just a little to see the team thriving so much, and she realized for the first time that while they could use her, she wasn’t necessarily needed. They could deal without her. It both hurt and satisfied her.

She was worried sick about him. Literally. She would work herself into such a frenzy over his safety that she would be sprinting to the nearest toilet to relieve her stomach of her lunch. If only he was here to see it, perhaps he would think twice before leaving her.

He had gone out to a mission about a week ago, and while she had never really hated him, not even during this time apart, she knew she would give him a stern talking to when he would return. How dare he leave like that when death was lurking around the corner for him? What if he would die when he was on a mission? She would never get to see him again.

When he returned, she was the last to say hi, still peeved at him for leaving her like that - even though, she knew, she had no right to control him. He was his own person, and he had made it very clear that he would make his own decisions.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

The team quickly moved on to their ‘daily’ tasks, whichever they were, and May and Coulson retreated to a quiet area, mainly because she wanted to tell him off but also because she'd missed him, terribly.

As soon as they stepped into his bedroom, as it turned out to be, she moved to kiss him, yet he moved to inspect her, carefully.

“You okay?”

“Why wouldn't I be? Except for the fact you left me when you could have died.”

He cringed and reverted to kissing her to keep her from saying anything else that was undoubtedly the truth but should not be spoken of, not yet.

He pulled away eventually.

“No, seriously. You look different. Good different, but, different.”

“You really want to talk right now? Okay. Maybe I look different because I hardly slept. I worried about your safety and also had to keep our team in check because they were trying to go after you.”

“No, that's not it.”

She frowned at him as he inspected her further, his hands roaming her skin, and she was starting to feel increasingly uncomfortable under his intense stare, and she pushed his face to the side, and he almost smiled.

“Okay.” He understood the hint. He grabbed her waist and nuzzled her neck, but she felt him give in to his curiosity once more.

“You're glowing, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don't know.”

He pushed her towards the bed and they kissed some more. As much as she hated his decision making, she loved his lips, his arms, his body against hers making her feel things she had thought long dead. He made her feel alive, even if she knew he would leave in the end.

His hand landed on her belly at some point, and he pulled back as if burned, and it made something snap within her, anger boiling in her stomach.

“Snap out of it, Coulson.”

“I'm sorry, May.”

“What are you thinking of, then?”

“It's impossible.”

“If our past has shown us anything, it's that nothing is impossible.”

“Could you be… pregnant?”

His question hit her in the gut, the words rushing through her head at full speed, and she got breathless all of a sudden.

_Pregnant._

No. It really couldn't be. She was too old. What was he thinking? Did he really suddenly think that highly of her that he had seemingly forgotten about her birth year?

“Melinda.” His hand on her arm made her return to reality, where she was almost hyperventilating due to the realization that while it was unlikely, it wasn't impossible. Her last period had been months ago, or at least she thought, because with everything that had been going on, tracking her final few periods was not a real priority.

“Breathe,” he whispered, and he gave her space, stepping away from her, thinking that was what she needed.

“No."

“No?”

“It's impossible.”

“Okay.”

They kissed again, and she wanted to forget their conversation, those words, but far into the night, she was still awake, his words echoing in her mind.

Pregnant.

Her hand covered her belly. Could she really be? It would be a dream come true, but too late. She could never give a baby a normal life in the world they were living in, and she didn't want a repeat show of herself.

She got up eventually, still in her PJ’s, rummaging through the seemingly endless medical supplies they had in the Lighthouse’s storage. She didn't know why it would have the item she was looking for, but she couldn't sleep anyway, so she had nothing to lose.

“Agent May?”

She turned around, startled, not expecting anyone to be up at that hour. It was Simmons, her eyes partially closed due to sleep, hair a mess, hands supporting her swollen belly. She must have heard May sniffing around the storage and got worried someone might be hurt.

“Simmons. What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Just, uhm, looking for some supplies.”

“At three in the morning? What's going on?”

May lowered her head, but not before looking at the young woman’s belly, housing Fitzsimmons’ well-deserved little baby. Jemma had been pregnant for four months before they had found out she was carrying in the first place, but in their situation, it was way more accepted and welcome than in May’s.

May and Simmons were quiet for a while, but Simmons was the first to break the silence. She wasn't stupid, far from it, so it didn't really surprise May that she knew exactly what she needed.

“Oh. Uhm. Well I think I have something.”

It both surprised and amazed May that Simmons was prepared for any possible situation, pulling a small, single box out of a bag somewhere, and handing it to her.

“Do you want to be alone?”

“No. Stay.”

“Okay.”

While she was waiting for the result to show up, she thought she might throw up. She had always wanted to be a mother, a long time ago she had tried nearly every day with Andrew. When she thought back to that time, it wasn't the great amount of sex they'd had that came to her mind first - it were all the tests she had taken, ovulation tests, fertility tests, she had constantly been planning when she would have the best luck to conceive and still she had had no luck. It had never occurred to her that it might be him who was posing the problem - then again, she had always had a habit of blaming herself for every little thing.

It wasn't a surprise anymore to see the result show up, but it still shocked May, until she was just staring at the little white stick and her vision became blurred.

“I'll get Coulson-"

“No! No. I, uhm, just need to…”

She clutched the white stick so tight she knew she might break it, and ran, no idea where, until she was at the door to his bedroom and she was knocking loudly, almost aggressively, dammit, he was part of why she was in this goddamn mess so he had to wake up, dammit! Now he had to listen to her, something he hadn’t been doing ever since they had gotten together. If he ignored her now, she might just shoot him.

Yet as soon as he opened up, her anger had disappeared into thin air and her arms were around him, tightly, tears clouding her vision, sobs wrecking her body, and dammit this wasn't her! She wasn't a crybaby, wasn't even someone who found emotional comfort with others, always hiding her feelings away, taking the pain like a soldier.

“May?”

She couldn’t say anything, pulled back a little to look at the white stick, and she saw him looking at it, too, the realization probably dawning on him now. He had said the words, but he had probably not expected them to be true. How could this happen? Why had she been so god damn reckless?

She hadn’t thought that she could even still get pregnant. She had still been having periods but the last one had been so long ago she had honestly forgotten about it. And in her need to be with him, to make love to him like she had always wanted, she hadn’t once thought about protection. Not even the pill. The thought honestly had never crossed her mind. She shouldn’t be surprised therefore that she was.

“You’re pregnant,” he breathed, reaching out to cover her hand with his, the hand that was holding onto the test, raising it so he could look at the result, too. They stood like that for a while, no words between them, not a sound, his eyes anywhere but on her, while she just stared at him, unsure what else to do.

He guided her to the bed eventually, and she almost refused him, but she knew she couldn’t fight him, and she knew she had to get through this, _with him_. This was theirs. She couldn’t fight this on her own.

“What do I do now?” she murmured. “I can't be pregnant.”

She looked over at him, and it was clear to her very quickly that he didn't know what to do, either.

“Whatever happens, I'll be there to support you.”

She grabbed his hand, and it seemed to snap him out of his trance, where he was hesitant in touching her and comforting her. He pulled her so close to him she almost couldn't breathe, but it felt good, yes, Phillip Coulson’s arms around her tightly, hanging on for dear life.

“Oh my god,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“No.” Apologizing now would mean that he regretted something, that he regretted them getting together, making love. She didn’t want him to regret that.

He shook his head. “I’m sorry for shutting you out. I should have put you first.”

His hands were on her then, pulling her close, pushing her into his arms, and she held onto his shirt, as though he was her escape from the cold, dark water that was threatening to surround her. Despite the fact that they had been close on Tahiti, this felt closer than ever before, their hearts beating in sync, their arms tightly around each other, not wanting to lose the one person that mattered the most.

She was panicking, she wasn’t ignorant to that fact. She had always wanted to be a mother, but not like this. Not when Phil was dying and she would be forced to raise their baby on her own.

“I love you, Melinda.”

That was what made her walls break down. The tears escaped her eyes before she had taken back full control of her body, and she held onto him so tightly, the only thing she held dear now, the only thing that made her see the good in each day.

He fell asleep eventually, and she wondered how in the world he could sleep with a crisis this big, but then he put his head on her belly and sighed, almost contently.

So, yeah. She would probably keep the baby. Because even though her mother would yell at her for, well, a wide range of things, Melinda May knew she loved the man who was currently sleeping against her belly. She was terrified of being a mother, but she could do it, she knew - she had already been a mother to their team for years.

She forgot all about the fact that he was dying, as she fell asleep with her hands in his short hair, cuddling him close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it starts off very Angsty and all that, but I had to find a way to sort of tie into the show a little and manage to make it fluffy somewhere down the line. So this starts out Angsty, turns into Hurt/Comfort later, and then in the future it's just pure fluff. Trust me, I'll look out for you. I know y'all want as much Philinda Fluff as I do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May tells her mother, and May and Coulson try to discuss what kind of relationship they want.

She had to make this call, she knew, but it made her stomach hurt with anxiety and even fear. She had no idea how her mother would respond to this news.

“Qiaolian.”

“Mama.”

“Don't get me wrong, I love to hear from you. But it's been too long.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“So why are you calling?”

May had thought of the best way to bring this to her mother without giving her a heart attack. By all means, she deserved to know after raising May’s stupid ass, but May knew that despite this, her mother wouldn't get to see her grandchild often, if at all. Spy life was confusing, and while May would fight to make her child’s life as normal as possible, having two parents in the industry wasn't going to make it easy for her baby.

But Lian May was not a fan of beating around the bush, of small talk, so May decided to just spill it.

“I'm pregnant, Mama.”

It was silent for a long time, and May was used to it by now. As a child, she had hated the long pauses her mother would take, but the words that would come out eventually were wise ones, because she had ample time to think about them. Also, May cut her some slack seeing as English wasn't her first language.

“Oh, Qiaolian.”

Her mother had been Andrew’s biggest fan, and she had dropped countless of hints that their babies would be appreciated (and gorgeous), so her mother was the first to protest when May had told her that she would divorce him. According to her mother, it was the biggest mistake of her life. Couldn't say she was wrong.

“So what did Phil say?”

“Huh?”

“Phil. I'm assuming he's the father?”

Ever since divorcing Andrew, Lian had pushed her to find somebody new, and May had thought she had insisted on it because she wanted grandchildren, but in hindsight, she knew that her mother just wanted her to be happy. And she had met Phil on May’s, what, twenty-sixth birthday and had inquired about him regularly. She pretended not to like him, but what was there not to like about Phil Coulson?

“He is.”

“So?”

_ She wasn't sure what he was thinking or feeling. He had always been an open book to anyone, especially to her, so the fact that she looked at him now and had no idea what was going on in that pretty head of his made her mad. She needed to know. This was an important matter.  _

_ He was ignoring the elephant in the room. He wouldn't meet her eyes, avoided her in the hallways, wouldn't even say hello. Dammit, she was so scared by him now, she was pregnant and she needed him to be there with her. If he wouldn't be a father to their baby, then she wouldn't keep the baby. There was no way in hell she would raise a baby on her own. (Even though she knew, he was dying, so somewhere down the line she still had to do this by herself. Getting his affections now wouldn't make that any easier.) _

_ She couldn't ask him to feel a certain way. They were in their fifties, nobody that age should expect to become a parent anymore if they weren't already, so she understood why he was scared. But so was she. _

_ She was making tea in their makeshift kitchen when she felt a gentle hand wrapping around hers, and he pulled her with him, into his bedroom. She frowned at him, wondering what it was that he wanted to do. They sat on the old couch in the corner and were silent for a long time. _

_ His hand reached out to rest on her belly, and she knew it was way too early, their baby too small still, but it almost felt like they were fluttering underneath his touch, responding to their father’s touch. Maybe it were just her own butterflies. The look on his face told her he probably understood what she was feeling.  _

_ “I'm sorry for my horrible reaction last week,” he whispered. “I'm so sorry. I was in shock, I'll be honest with you. I never expected to be a father… I still can't believe that this is happening. But… I want you to know that I'll be there for you, whatever happens, I'm staying with you. I love you, so much, and I am equally guilty in creating this little… uh… so… what do you expect from me?” _

_ Expect was such a big word. But honestly, the only thing she really needed he had already promised he would do. “Stay with me.” _

_ “Of course, Melinda. I love you. I promise I'll be there, for you and the baby.” _

_ She put a finger underneath his chin and pulled him close, and their lips linked. It felt different now, more serious almost, knowing that despite anything, her life was forever connected to his, because they would have a child together. It reminded her briefly of her own parents, who had separated when she was eleven, but had had to keep seeing each other because of her.  _

_ She didn't want that for herself, she didn't want to be forced to be friends with someone just because they had a child together. In that moment, she made the decision to try her hardest with this man beside her, would fight to be with him, not only as friends but as lovers, because she loved him. She loved him. _

_ “Melinda,” he whispered against her lips, and his voice filled her heart, his fingers caressing her cheeks, her hair, she realized that he loved her, too, it was visible in everything he did. “I love you. I'm sorry we weren't…  _ I  _ wasn't more responsible. I should have used protection…” _

_ She shook her head. “We couldn't have known, Phil. How could we have known this?” _

_ His hand returned on her belly, and it felt so good, so comfortable, so warm. _

_ “I can't believe you're pregnant… I can't believe I'm going to be a father. You're going to be a mother…” _

_ “Thank you.” _

_ “For what?” _

_ “For giving me the chance to be a mother.” _

_ They hugged each other close, and somehow she knew that they would make it. _

“Will he support you?”

“Yes.”

“And you want to keep the baby?”

“Yes.”

“Then, my Bǎobèi, I wish you all the best.”

“I'm scared, Mama.”

It was such a rare occurrence for Melinda May to admit she was scared, but if anyone could support her, it was definitely her mother. And she hoped that she could be this for her own child, even if she had no idea how to do this.

“That's only natural. God knows I was terrified when I was pregnant with you. But then you were born and I couldn't believe how beautiful you were. Still are. And I know that you have made mistakes in your life, we all do. Maybe getting pregnant was a mistake, too. But you'll be a mother soon enough, and it's the best job in the world.”

“But I can't be a mother. I don't know how to be one.”

“You'll know it when you are. And what about this girl you told me about? Daisy? Surely you're her mother, too.”

“I guess, but I didn't give birth to her.”

“What does it matter? She sees you as her mother, and that's the greatest compliment you could ever receive. You must have done something right.”

Maybe she had. She hadn't raised Daisy Johnson, Daisy had raised herself, but May had been able to steer her away from self-destruction, had been listening to her when no one else did, had taught her to fight, stand up for herself. 

“You're always welcome here.”

“I know, Mama. Thank you.”

“And be kind to Phil. He's not so bad as far as sons-in-law go.”

“We're not married.”

“So?”

“Never mind.”

They were quiet for a while, both thinking about whatever kept them occupied. May briefly thought that a daughter telling her mother that she was pregnant was supposed to be more emotional, or something? But neither of them were very emotional, that trait was attributed to her father, so maybe it didn't surprise her at all.

“I still love you, Qiaolian. I know you think I don't, but you're my only baby. I will always support you.”

“Thank you, Mama.” She remained silent for a while but then one last thing popped into her head. “Can you be there when I give birth?” Because she already knew she would need her Mama.

“If you want me to be there, I will be there.”

May smiled briefly, her anxiety having settled for a while. 

“Thank you. I love you, Mama.”

“I love you too, Bǎobèi.”

 

~...~

 

May had never been exceptionally sensitive to hormonal changes, her periods hadn't been light but she hadn't been in pain all that much. (Unlike Daisy or Jemma, who had more than once suffered from mood swings or cramps, Daisy also more than once confiding in May for help, even though Daisy was a grown woman and had survived for so long on her own. Perhaps the young woman just liked to finally have a mother figure to help her out with girl things. May was happy to help her out.)

Yet her pregnancy was something else altogether. While the first few weeks had been relatively okay, as soon as she had found out that she was pregnant, every goddamn morning she would be so sick she almost cried out of despair. By now, she expected the morning sickness, and so did Phil.

She insisted on sleeping most nights apart, as long as she was still suffering from the nasty effects, because she didn't want him to see her like that, she was stronger than that.

He wouldn't have it, however.

"I'll only gross you out," she started, looking at his hand which was wrapped tightly around her wrist. He knew she could reclaim her hand within seconds and injure him, too, but he probably also knew that she wouldn't dare hurt him in any way. He trusted her so much and it scared her from time to time. 

"I'm with you every step of the way, Melinda. I promised you that. Please, come to bed with me."

"Phil..."

"I also got us into this. Our baby is so far only affecting you. I want to carry some of its weight. I feel bad enough seeing you so sick."

Most of her objections died on her tongue when he wrapped his strong arms around her, and she just sighed and disappeared in his hold.

It was difficult to realize that this was the man she would spend the rest of her life with - well, the rest of  _ his _ life, because no matter how good he was doing now, she knew he was still dying. 

Fair enough, the next morning she shot out of bed again when a bout of nausea overwhelmed her, and she was possibly best friends with the white porcelain now, but it was definitely a love-hate relationship. After a while, she felt a strong hand gather her hair and pull it back, another stroking her back.

Oh, little baby. You had better be worth it. Because right now, your Mommy is regretting every single stupid decision she’s made in her life to end up here.

She felt better after throwing up, but the actual process of getting there was far from pleasurable. Not even the prospect of having a baby at the end of this long road helped.

She looked at Phil, who was just standing there looking at her, and she was briefly reminded of his lack of response when she had begged him to be with her, or when they had found out she was pregnant, but his eyes were different now. He knew her, and he was probably afraid that she might hit him if he tried anything.

"How can I help?" he asked, his expression sincere. He was kind, her normally stressful heart forgot that sometimes.

"Water." She had barely finished the word before he was working to get her what she wanted. She brushed her teeth in the meantime, already feeling a new bout of nausea build up. It would be a long day.

They sat against the wall a few minutes later, their hands entwined between them. Some moments, she would hate that she got pregnant. Her relationship with Phil had been so fresh and new, she really wouldn't have minded being alone with him some more. It was even so fresh that they had never really discussed what they were, what either wanted.

Well. In about seven months, they had to have their life on track, because this little one would point out any cracks or gray areas that they didn't want to discuss.

"Phil?"

"Hmm?"

"What are we?"

"What do you mean?"

She didn't really know herself, but she knew she wanted both of them to be happy, and in her opinion, that included being able to put a name on it. No, not included - that was the bare minimum. 

"Are we dating? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend?"

"Does it matter?" he asked. He was deflecting. Her heart couldn't take that.

"Yes. To me, it does."

"To me, too."

They were silent for a while.

"I, uh, haven't really had a meaningful relationship in a while," he started. Their relationship was meaningful to him? Damn her stupid heart, for it was fluttering in her chest. "I'd like to believe that we’re 'boyfriend/girlfriend'," and he emphasized those words with air quotes. "I mean, though, can I really be your boyfriend at my age?"

That was all he worried about? That he was 'too old' to be her boyfriend? 

"Do you want us to be exclusive?" she asked him. 

"Weren't we already?"

"Yes? We've never discussed it so I guessed, now's as good a time as any."

He nodded in understanding, and thought about her words.

"I want to be exclusive. I'll never love anyone like I love you. And, uh... I don't like the idea of sharing you. I know it doesn't sound romantic or whatever, but... I don't know, I like having you all to myself."

His eyes spoke of warmth, love, and she fell in love with the way he looked at her, like he was earth and she was his moon. It was very likely that he had no idea how meaningful those words were to her, that he cared enough about her to want her to be only with him. It wasn't a jealous act, maybe a bit possessive, but mostly very sweet. He loved her and he didn't want to share her. She didn't want to share him either, so they were even in that area. 

"Me too."

He smiled and lifted her hand against his lips, kissing the top of it, and she smiled faintly, too. He was too sweet for her. 

"Would you want to get married one day?"

Without hesitation, he answered her question. 

"Yes. Absolutely."

Absolutely. He  _ absolutely _ wants to marry her. She wondered what it was that her belly was doing now.

"With you, by the way. Just to clarify." He smiled, but then sobered up a little. "I absolutely want to marry you. But I think it's important that we get our lives on track first, get everything settled for the baby before we take another big step."

He looked at her to judge what she was thinking. She wasn't an open book but he always seemed to be able to read her. 

"We already went way too fast," he whispered, a little bit of his by now trademark guilt in his eyes. "I never meant to put us into this situation."

She reached out to brush his cheek, and it made some of his guilt disappear. Not all of it, though. 

"I just want to be with you, Phil. After everything we've been through, this is more than I could have hoped for. To know that you're as serious about us as I am... it makes me incredibly happy."

"I'm serious about us. I want a future with you. I always have, to be honest. I never could have imagined... that it would get to this."

They were silent for a while. She had never kept her eyes closed for any possible suitors - she had actually gone through her fair share of men back in the days, and Andrew was the one who peaked above them all. Quite literally. But somehow... none of them had ever seemed enough. She had always just assumed that she was too picky, that her not-so-flattering personality scared away any potential partners. Andrew was the only one who had managed to entertain her, she had loved him, but he had died.

But now, in Phil's arms, their unborn baby growing in her belly... she finally realized why it had never worked out with any of her previous boyfriends - they weren't Phil. She had known him for years but had never realized that while she might have consciously regarded him as her friend, secretly her brain had taken him and made him an example of male perfection. Perhaps he wasn't a model from a magazine, but his personality was just so... gorgeous. He was loyal, would never hurt the people he cared about and would protect them with his life. He might not always be good with words but his actions proved his big heart.

So, without her knowing, over the years he had become the perfect man for her. Flawed, yes, but even the best people were, but the perfect partner nonetheless. And now she couldn't imagine herself with someone else anymore, even though they had only been together two months, tops. He was everything her fragile heart longed for, and his hugs could put all her broken pieces together.

She hadn't noticed she had started crying until she felt his thumb brushing off tears from her cheeks. Combined with the nausea the baby was causing her, the feelings for him that suddenly tackled her from the back was enough to make her crawl to the toilet and empty her already empty stomach. 

She felt his hand on her back while he held her hair back again, and she realized that she could have done worse. She realized now that not only would he take care of their baby, he would take care of  _ her _ .

Aside from Andrew and her parents, nobody had cared for her like that. She was so used to having to take of herself, that it was odd yet comfortable to feel his hands tending to her, brushing her hair and letting her know he was there.

She loved him so. And somehow, she had a feeling it would only get better for them from that point on. Perhaps the hormones were bad, and she was a bitch and everything started to hurt, he was there with her, they were together, and they would have a baby. A tiny part of her was starting to think that she couldn't wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for your kind words! Keep 'em coming ;)  
> Also I know it was sort of OOC for May call her mother 'Mama' but I kind of liked the idea that in this turmoil she would refer to her mother as that. I know that she called her mother Mom in the show, but I don't really care.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May retires from the agency and Coulson once again tries to convince her that he'll care of the baby with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI, so far I've written over 90k words for this story. So you'll have a lot to look forward to ;)

She had tried to go back to work. She had joined countless of briefings of ongoing missions, but somehow, she no longer had the thrill she usually got when she thought about the action it would involve. She had once lived for that feeling, the incredible buzz it gave her to have guys drop all around her, by her hands (or feet), but on one of the only missions she had gone on since finding out she was pregnant, she felt something hold her back.

First, it was Phil’s hand on her shoulder, not really applying any pressure, probably expecting her to not pay attention to him at all, but when she turned back to him, she saw his worried expression. 

“I know I can’t keep you from going if you’ve set your mind to it,” he whispered, careful not to have anyone else hear their conversation. Most people knew they were together, but nobody knew how serious their relationship was quickly becoming except for Jemma. “But please, be careful.”

She wanted to reject that stupid sentence, she was hardly ever careful and they both knew it, but then she thought back to her own miserable moments when he was out on missions, too. And she realized she mattered more to him than he could ever put into words, to be voicing this to her, knowing the possible backlash it might give him.

“I’ll be careful,” she tried to promise him, but at that time, she still thought she could carry on as if nothing had happened, nothing had changed.

She was so wrong.

The second thing to hold her back; the first kicks were just to her legs, some punches to her shoulders, but when the first fist landed in her side, it was as though the whole world froze around her and the only thing she could think about was-

-her baby.

She didn’t want to be a mother, didn’t know how to be one, would much prefer it if she wasn’t pregnant. But she  _ was _ pregnant, and the only thing that could change that… she didn’t even want to think about it.

A power took over her that managed to knock out all the people around her in record time, but when she was sitting down after the fight, her eyes cast down to her still flat belly, she felt… shame wash over her. And a form of protectiveness she had never felt before.

She was this baby’s mother. If anything, she should be risking her life to  _ protect _ them, not try to end them. 

Phil’s hand landed once again on her shoulder, and she looked up without protest, really. He was still worried, she guessed he would always be.

“Are you okay?” he asked her, his free hand brushing her hair back to look at some of the bruises that were forming on her skin. 

“I’m never going back in the field,” she whispered. “I can’t do it. I can’t risk…”

They looked at her belly at practically the same time, and she knew he understood her, without having to utter words. (That had always been their strength - they didn’t always need words.)

“We can find you something else to do,” he promised her, taking a seat beside her and starting to tend to her few wounds. They would be the last ones, at least from a fight like this. 

She could never go back to her old job. If anything happened to her baby… she wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt. (Not again.)

Only a week or so later, after spending just one day in an office again, she decided to retire. She realized it was better to be a stay-at-home mom than be stuck in a job she was absolutely starting to hate.

 

~...~

  
Things were still a little awkward between them, she wouldn't deny that. They had gone from 'simple' fling to future parents and that was not the first step she'd had in mind when they had gotten together. She was still having major doubts about all of this, wondered whether she was able to do this, even if, for whatever reason, Phil decided that he wasn't ready for this. He had all right to pull back, she in no way wanted to force him into anything. Even though she could never pull back. The deadline to turn everything back pregnancy wise had almost expired, even though she knew she couldn't have possibly aborted her pregnancy. Her life would turn into shit, no doubt, after the birth, but she would see this through till the end.

They weren't really living together, often crashed in each other's rooms but they didn't have anything to call theirs. What with the aftermath of everything that had happened to SHIELD, May knew that it was the least of her concern, considering they weren't even legally people yet, after Daisy had successfully removed any information of them from any database. May doubted they could have any real estate registered under their name.

She always craved for those nights they spent together, longing for his arms, his kisses, HIM. She was in love with him, had been before she had gotten pregnant, but with this little one between them her feelings were only amplified. She was in love with him. She loved him. She wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.

He really tried, though. He tried to show her that he wasn't simply with her because of the baby, but that he loved  _ her _ \- but, to be honest, she already knew that. She wanted him to show her that he loved their baby, too, but she knew she couldn't expect him to read her mind. She had always been bad in communicating.

It was her birthday that day and Phil had never missed one, ever, but she hadn't seen him all day after he had explained that he needed to run some errands. She wondered why that had to be done on her birthday of all days, but she stopped herself just in time to prevent herself from getting angry - it were just the hormones talking.

She lay in her own bed at night with her hand just above her slightly swollen belly, wondering where he was, why he hadn't even sent her a text, but she just brushed it off and buried her feelings down like she always had done.

Just before she felt herself slip into sleep, she felt the bed dip beside her and strong arms wrap around her. She didn't open her eyes but she knew he would be able to tell that she wasn't asleep.

"I'm sorry, Mel," he whispered. "I should have texted you, at least."

She swallowed her mean words - she was too tired to argue. She didn't want to fight him.

"Happy birthday." He kissed her cheek and just as she was about to push him away, she heard the telltale rustling of a plastic bag, and she couldn't keep her eyes closed anymore, her curiosity getting the better of her. She sat up, opened the bag and saw a present inside, all wrapped up with a bow on top. "It took me all day to find the perfect gift."

"You didn't have to get me anything." She much preferred to have him with her instead of some useless gadget he had probably gotten her.

"I did, though. It's your birthday."

She frowned at him a little longer but she opened the gift nonetheless. The wrapping paper removed, it revealed a small box that she couldn't quite identify. When she looked up at him, he started explaining.

"It's, uh, a baby monitor. I knew you wouldn't accept any jewelry, and I thought of getting you some funny Mommy clothes... but I wanted you to know that I'm serious about both of you. You're not a joke to me, and I care about you so much... I don't know where I would be without you. So... baby monitor."

She looked at his face, saw how serious he was and how much she actually meant to him, and then she looked back at the box. The picture of the little sleeping baby on the front of it made her heart flutter a little, with anticipation? Excitement? She was getting too soft, her emotions getting to her too quickly. She couldn't wait to hold her baby, even if everything about the prospect scared the living daylights out of her. Her belly was starting to grow now and she hardly dared to touch it. She should, she had seen Jemma touch her own belly, too, and that woman loved her baby unconditionally even though it wasn't born yet. She should take example of that.

Phil touched her belly, and she loved the feeling of his hand on her skin, and she would sometimes put her hand over his, but she never initiated a touch. She was too scared, but she didn't know what she was scared of.

"We'll buy everything else together," he whispered, "but I wanted to kick start it a little, maybe."

"Isn't this really expensive?"

"Nothing is too expensive for you two."

They were silent for a while after that, his hand once again reaching out to cover her belly. She just looked down at the sight of it.

"Okay, maybe a little expensive. But I'm willing to go to any lengths to make sure our baby is comfortable and looked after. I hope you know that."

She nodded. It felt like it was one of the first times that he talked like this, trying to prove how much he cared and how serious he was. She realized it definitely was  _ not _ the first time, but her fears had closed off her perceptions of reality. Perhaps she should get over it - after all, she had always wanted to be a mother, and this was quite definitely the last chance she would ever get at being pregnant. And he had shown her in the weeks before that he was serious and that he would stay with her. She had tried pushing him away, if only maybe to judge his intentions, but he had only come back to her running, pushing back into her arms.

"Thank you," she whispered, pulling on his chin gently to lower him so she could kiss him.

"And, uhm... now might not be the best time to discuss it, but... how about our living accommodations?" he started carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we can't raise a baby here. We need an apartment, at the very least."

She nodded, and she stifled a sigh of bliss when his hand traced figures on her belly. 

"We are technically non-existent," she started. "Daisy removed us from all databases."

"Meaning we can't buy anything because we can't put it on our names."

She nodded again. "Of course we could just have Daisy create new identities for us... but that would just create more complications for the future, for our baby."

He agreed. He put his lips against her temple. 

"I'll take it up with Daisy, see what the options are," he offered. She shook her head.

"The only way for us to move into our own place is if SHIELD comes out of the shadows again so we no longer have to hide. And the only way to do that..."

He sighed and wrapped his arms around her. 

"I know what to do."

She trusted him now, to take care of them, her and their baby, to ensure the best kind of future for all three of them. She had to be able to trust him.

 

~...~

 

Melinda was a terrible cook. Coulson had tried for years to get some recipes in that pretty head of hers, but she always stuck to the same that had been tried and approved, and he would not have it.

During their friendship, he had cooked for her often, mostly because they were both lonely and each other’s company was the best they could have. She liked his cooking, or at least, she had never voiced any objections, and so he often treated her with unfamiliar dishes that she absolutely fell in love with.

When they had gotten together, it wasn't really any different, and he kind of loved the fact that even though they were now in a relationship, they were still just the same people - Melinda May and Phil Coulson. Best friends and now lovers, future parents, perhaps she could even be his wife at some point. 

She sat at the dinner table with her head flat on its surface, her arms crossed above it. She hadn't really let out any sound since sitting down there, except for some light groans. He knew she had headaches often, as well as some growing pains. He wished he could take all of her discomfort from her and carry it as his, because he would in a heartbeat. She didn't deserve to feel bad like that, but he knew the final product would hopefully be well worth it.

He paused in his dinner preparations and tended to her. His hands gingerly placed on her shoulders, judging if she would bat his hands away but she just let him. She trusted him a lot, like he trusted her with his life, so it did him well that she allowed him to touch her. He started massaging her neck and shoulders, his heart fluttering stupidly as her hair brushed his skin. He moved it over her shoulder so he didn't get distracted.

"How are you doing?" he asked her, his voice soft, mindful of her head ache. All he got in response were some groans. "Just go lie down on the couch, Melinda. I won't judge you."

More groans.

"You're in pain, Mel. Rest up. I feel like it will only get worse."

"Ugh."

She raised her head and straightened her back, his hands still in her neck. He continued massaging and she fell silent, until she let out a sigh, which sounded way better than her groans.

"You're really good with your hands," she stated, and he was sure he was blushing - thankfully, she didn't see. It wasn't the first time she had complimented his handiwork.

"What are you cooking?"

"Lasagna."

"Ugh."

"No? No lasagna? I can prepare something else." It was a favorite of hers, but their baby was messing with every part of her body, even her taste buds, so the dishes she used to beg for now had landed on the blacklist.

She fell silent for a while but then shook her head. "No. Lasagna's okay."

She looked up, remaining in the chair, and it brought some amateurish Spiderman kiss that wasn't as good in real life, so she turned and linked their lips properly. Her arms wrapped around his neck and it forced him into the chair beside hers, his back protesting.

That was his biggest fear. He knew Melinda and him had patience and love aplenty, but he wasn't as fit as he had been in his thirties, and he really didn't want to be that type of father who could never play outside with their child and play ball, or jump ropes, or climb trees. Even the thought of all those activities now made his muscles ache, so he desperately hoped for his child's sake that he could find the energy to be a proper dad to them.

She gasped and they parted and she smiled at him, not that brief smile she could often show at work, to make people believe she was alright while she really wasn't - no, that genuine smile that reached her eyes, that made stars appear in them, the smile that made his heart skip a beat.

She grabbed his hand and put it against her belly, and he frowned at her, even though he loved the feeling of her swollen belly, the promise of their baby growing right there.

"I felt him. Oh my god," she breathed, that smile still on her lips, and god, he was so in love with her, she was so perfect and wonderful and he got the unbelievable chance to become a parent with her, to have a baby. He still couldn't believe he would be a father. Not the father-figure he was to Daisy, but an actual, biological father. He had thought that dream long lost when he had signed up with SHIELD, but within their walls, that miracle had still taken place. Even though technically, he knew it had happened on Tahiti.

They didn't know the gender yet, but she felt it was a boy, and he knew the mother’s guess was usually right. It was too early for him to feel their baby move or kick, and according to the pregnancy books he had read, it was possible she was just mistaking some intestinal rumblings, but her face told her she was a 120 percent certain it was their baby.

He put both his hands on her swollen belly but kissed her lips briefly. "Our baby. I'm so proud of us."

They sat together for a long time, kissing and touching and cherishing her swollen belly. They ended up ordering Indian take-away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really appreciate it if you left me a comment to let me know what your thoughts were, if you enjoyed it, if I could improve something. Comments are like a fix to me.  
> Also, please excuse my English, I'm not a native speaker and I don't have a beta :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they tell Daisy the good news, May's hormones get the better of her, and Coulson discusses the future of SHIELD with Daisy.

They had waited until the very last acceptable moment to tell their friends the news. Simmons was the only one who knew, and she was surprisingly good at keeping a secret. By the time they had told the rest, May was already showing so much she'd had to pull out her biggest shirts and jeans to be able to hide her bump a little longer. She wasn't ashamed to admit to even revert to wearing Phil’s old T-shirts for a while, the ones he hadn't worn in over a decade so hardly anybody would know they were his. When they asked, she just brushed off their questions and put on her stoic face. She knew the shirts were his, though, and so did he. He had described that seeing her wear his shirts, pregnant belly hidden underneath the worn fabric, did things to him he couldn't possibly put into words. Neither of them could have expected to still become a parent, much less so with each other. She considered herself very lucky, even though she still sometimes regretted getting into this mess.

In the privacy of her bedroom, she would inspect her belly, amazed by the growing new life, but she couldn't help but feel slightly reluctant. She was too old for this shit, so even though her pregnancy was going quite well so far (except for the morning sickness), she had a bad feeling about the birth.

They hadn't wanted to tell Daisy the news publicly, not knowing how she would deal with basically having a baby sibling, so they had planned a nice dinner at the Lighthouse when everybody was gone, but all it had brought was Daisy outing all her frustrations.

“Hey, you guys,” she had yelled, “I know you're keeping a secret from me and I don't like it! Just tell me!”

They had sat her down, and perhaps it would have been good to get her a little drunk first, because Daisy was often very compliant after a few beers, but they needed her to still remember the news the next day.

“I'm pregnant,” May blurted out, not being able to keep the news from her any longer. 

“You're  _ WHAT _ ?! Pregnant?! But you don't have anyb- oh… oh god. Wait, does this mean… you guys are having sex?”

Of course that would be her first question, Daisy always knew how to skip to those uncomfortable ones quickly. 

“I don't think I can give you the answer you want to hear, because I would be lying,” Coulson answered, his hand on May’s knee underneath the table. He was anxious about her reaction, and this was quickly going into the direction they didn't want it to go.

“What did you think we did in Tahiti?” May asked bluntly, knowing Daisy wasn’t stupid and knowing the young woman should have been able to put two and two together.

“I  _ know _ , but I guess wanting Mom and Dad to be together is different than thinking about you two having sex.” She shook, as though she had shivers down her spine, and it made May roll her eyes inadvertently. Oh, sweet summer child... 

“Okay, wait, I just need to… process that for a moment.”

She looked at the tabletop for a while, not saying anything, and May looked at Phil, slightly worried, too. But she had a feeling that Daisy was more concerned about learning that May and Phil had been having sex rather than the prospect of a baby sibling.

“Okay, so, wait… that means you'll have a little baby.”

“That's generally how this thing works,” May deadpanned. Daisy was maybe a little offended at first, but she just laughed it off.

“Oh my god, that is so cool. I mean, it's gross? But it's so cool.” She looked at them, and it looked like she was blushing. “I'll have a baby sibling.”

May and Phil nodded and the girl sighed, smiling eventually.

“I never thought I would get to say that.”

“Daisy, we want you to know that we don't want to pressure you into this. If you don't want this…”

“This being?”

“Being a sister.”

“Are you kidding? I've always wanted to be someone's sister! I will be so good to them, I promise. I'll babysit them and I'll watch them when you're sleeping. This is even better than Fitzsimmons’ baby.”

May frowned. “Why?”

“Because this will be  _ my sibling _ ,” she said, but the sentence trailed off a little. Daisy paused, shook her head, then sat down beside May and looked her in the eye.

“Can I touch your belly?” She was raised well, May wasn't sure by whom.

“Of course.” 

But even though May had given her permission, Daisy still covered her belly gingerly. She could obviously feel that it was swollen, and her eyes widened. 

“Oh my god. How did you hide this?” She put her other hand on it, too, her eyes wide with wonder. “How pregnant are you, exactly?”

It caused Phil to chuckle a little beside May, his hand twitching to touch her belly - she knew he couldn’t help himself, was amazed by her pregnancy still, and she simply grabbed his hand underneath the table, brushing the top of it.

“Almost four months.”

“Damn. Congrats on keeping it a secret for so long.” May sometimes wondered how in hell she had managed to do so, what with her morning sickness and the fact that she was starting to get swollen nearly  _ everywhere _ . But then she wasn’t working in the field anymore, and while she still worked out, it was vastly different than participating some actual action. Perhaps people just assumed she was getting, well, fat. 

Daisy still had her hands on May’s belly, and with every passing second, she seemed more in awe by it. She looked up at them both and smiled. “Oh, May, I'm so happy for you. And you, Coulson.”

Eventually, Phil put his hand on her belly, too, having overcome his initial hesitation to touch her like this in public. They basked in this little wonder, and even though she should probably feel uncomfortable with all these hands on her belly, she couldn’t help but feel happy that she had these two still around her in the first place. Phil Coulson and Daisy Johnson, the two most stubborn people on the planet, who sacrificed themselves time and time again - it was quite a miracle they were still alive.

They told the others a little later, and their reactions had been exclusively positive, but Elena had cringed a little. 

“You'll be a grandmother and a mother,” Elena had said, earning her a death glare not only from May herself, but also the rest. Would the woman not learn? 

She was right, though. Her adoptive daughter Jemma would have a baby very soon, and May couldn't help but feel like that baby would feel like her grandchild, because May had been a mother to everyone, especially Daisy, Jemma and Fitz.

It was okay, though. Their family had always been a little odd.

 

~...~

 

She knew it was stupid. She knew she was being ridiculous. But between her lasting insecurities about her current situation and the pregnancy hormones wrecking her head, she couldn't stop the emotions and the lashing out.

She had seen Phil talking to a pretty (not pregnant and swollen) lady, and the obviously younger blonde had smiled and blushed at him, her hand resting on his upper arm. May had felt a wave of nausea wash over her but she knew that wasn't because of hormones.

_ Stop it, Melinda May. You're being ridiculous. _

But Phil had caught on to her state of mind - or at least, he had noticed something was off and he seemed determined to find out the reason.

“Melinda?”

She ignored him, like she was a peeved teenager who didn't get enough attention. She hated herself like this.

“Hey, Mel, talk to me.”

“You looked really good with Diana.”

Then, it was silent. For a long time. She wasn't facing him, didn't want to hurt more by seeing his reaction to her words.

“Seriously?” he said eventually, his tone a little angry, and she fully understood. She  _ was _ exaggerating. “You think so low of me?”

“No. It's just… that I would understand. I'm swollen and I'm a responsibility and she looked so… good for you.”

Once again, a silence fell over them, and she sat down, one hand underneath her belly as though it would help to support it. He remained standing, looking at her. He looked sort of… angry? Or maybe frustrated. She wasn't sure.

She wasn't trying to provoke him, even though it sounded like it. She didn't even want any specific reaction out of him, didn't even know why she was voicing these things out loud, but they were out in the open and now she had to bear the consequences of her jealousy.

“I'm sorry,” she whispered. “I… I guess… I…”

“She was interested in me, sure. But how could I desire any other woman when I have you to cuddle up to? You are everything to me, Melinda. I have never cheated before. And I will not cheat now, especially not now that I have you. What can I do to prove my loyalty?”

She shrugged and leaned back in her seat, closing her eyes. She felt him sit down beside her, but when she didn't say anything for a while, she heard him get up again.

“Stay here. I'll be back.”

She was almost asleep when he came back, even though she knew that it had only been a few minutes. She was just so sleepy these days.

“Shall I buy you a promise ring?” 

“A what?”

“A promise ring. I'll promise to always stay with you, stay faithful. We promised to be exclusive, and I still stand by that. I can't control how other people see me or treat me. And I'm sorry you feel that… that I haven't devoted myself enough to you.”

“No, that's not it. I know you're devoted.”

“Then what is this about?”

“I… I don't want… no, I  _ want _ people to see that you are taken. I don't want other women to get the wrong ideas. I don't… want to fight for you, not again. Not like that. We have fought the universe or whatever for so long, not again. I'm so… so tired of fighting. I finally have you. I don't want to lose you.” She was afraid she would lose a fight with a blonde who was twenty years younger than her. She would be nothing without him.

“And you won't. I promise.”

She looked at him and felt herself give up the fight. It wasn't even really a fight, it was just her being too insecure with herself to trust her man. He was too sweet, and she now realized in hindsight that while the blonde bimbo had showed her interest in Phil, he had only stayed polite and talked to her - he had even tried to push away her hand, and May had just forgotten about it.

“I'm sorry,” she whispered. He shook his head and ran a hand through her hair.

“I'll be more straightforward in my attempts to push women off?”

“No, you don't have to. I exaggerated.”

“Maybe, a little bit. But I can understand where you're coming from. I, uh, guess I feel the same way sometimes, when you talk to other guys. Even though, uh, it's a lot more visible for you that you're already with someone.” He paused, his hand having run down the side of her neck to her arm and now entwining with her hand. “Maybe a promise ring wouldn't be such a bad idea. It's too early to get married, but we'll still have a ring on our fingers. Perhaps it helps showing others that we are not interested.”

She looked at him, wondering if he was serious, wondering whether he really wanted this, and she just found him smiling faintly at her, his blue eyes beaming, and she felt all of her insecurities fall off her shoulders.

No. She trusted him, with her life, with her child’s life even. If he promised her that he would stay true, then she trusted him.

She felt he knew what she was thinking.

“I love you, Melinda. I'm sorry for making you doubt that.”

She let his arms wrap around her tightly and disappeared nearly completely in his pleasant warmth. She was safe in his arms, but she knew he deserved way better than her.

 

~...~

 

Looking at his sleeping Melinda, her swollen belly protected by both her hands, Phil Coulson knew he would never give this up for anything in the world. 

It was a little unorthodox - no, it was a lot unorthodox, and when he had told his mother the news, he was sure she had suffered a heart attack. His mother was religious, extremely so, but she had always known she couldn't force her beliefs onto him. He wasn't religious, perhaps he had been at one point in time, but too many things had happened for him to hold on to that faith. He had lost too many people he held dear.

But she had been happy for him. Perhaps she knew as well that this would be the last chance he would get of ever being a father, and his mother, despite being disgruntled about him and Melinda not being married, had blessed them both. And she loved Melinda, he knew that. He couldn't be happier with his mother’s approval. 

_ “She's going to need you, Phil. Be there for her, without any hesitation. It's the least you can do for her.” _

He would ask Melinda to marry him one day, he knew that much, but he was afraid she would reject him now. Their relationship was still so fresh. He didn't want to lose her.

He knew, however, that he would never be able to focus on Melinda and SHIELD at the same time and do both of them justice.

That's why he found himself in Daisy’s room one evening, the girl surprised to see him there and not with Melinda.

“This is serious.”

“It would seem so. What are you doing here?”

“I want to discuss SHIELD.”

“I don't think now's a good time for that.”

“There will never be a good time for it. But I need to make sure some things are in order.”

He sat down and kept looking at Daisy, who was avoiding his gaze for some reason.

“May is pregnant. I'm going to be a father. I never… never thought that I could have this. And… I want to spend every minute of every day with them from this point forward. But it means that I can't be the Director of SHIELD anymore.”

“What are you saying, Coulson?”

“I'm saying that it's time for you to take over.”

“Wait, what?”

“I've often thought of who could be Director after I was gone, and I always just assumed it would be May. But… I don't think she'd want that very much, I don't think she will ever be ready for that. I don't blame her. And you… I mean, it's not like I saw you that first time and thought ‘oh hey look this might be the future Director’, quite frankly, the opposite. You were impulsive, a danger to yourself and the people around you, you had no sense of responsibility. But since SHIELD fell, since we lost the Bus, since May started training you… I can see you've grown. And… I think SHIELD would be lucky to have a Director like you.”

They were silent, which was honestly quite impressive for both of them, because they had always been talkative. 

“I don't think I'm ready,” Daisy admitted, quietly.

“Do you think I'm ready to become a father?”

“I was kind of hoping you were. For May’s sake.”

“No. I'm excited to be a father, but I'm not ready for it. I don't know how to be a father, I've only known mine for a few years and then he left. But, I'm taking this opportunity with both hands, because I know I'll never get this chance again. And you should, too.”

“I should become a father?”

Coulson rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Becoming the Director, Daisy. You know SHIELD better than anyone else. And maybe you'll hate it and appoint someone else the Director, but at least you've had the chance to be one. And at least we know that SHIELD will be in capable hands for a while.”

“Capable hands? Me?”

“Yes, you. You may think about it, it's a big decision.”

Daisy nodded. 

“You know, I'm happy for you guys. You deserve to retire."

Somehow, the word sounded insulting, but he knew as well as she did that it was the truth. Him and Melinda pulling out of this business was a retirement, because they would probably never want to work another day in their lives. They had done their fair share of that. He was looking forward to sleeping in, waking up beside Melinda, kiss her awake because my god, she slept a lot these days. The baby was making her incredibly sleepy.

Maybe he would take up a restful hobby. He could help Director Johnson with the agency, perhaps he could take up that History teaching he had always wanted to do. Part-time, because he didn't want to be apart from Melinda for long.

Look at him. What a pussy. Perhaps the agency was better off without him.

He felt Daisy’s hand on his arm.

“I'll take good care of your baby. The baby being SHIELD, although I will help out with the baby, too.”

She was a handful, this one, but Coulson knew she could do it. She would be the breath of fresh air that SHIELD needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Coulson's dad died, but I just wanted to use a little artistic license to give him more reason to be a good father. Honestly though, with all the chapters that are coming up, I now know that he would be a perfect father.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Daisy did a thing, Coulson takes responsibility, May is grumpy and Jemma Simmons gives birth to her baby (and everybody is sort of unprepared for it).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely hope people are still reading this thing. I put so much time and effort into it and it feels like people have abandoned it... also, I'll start adding summaries to the chapters now. That way, you'll know what to expect and you can decide for yourself whether you want to read the chapter or not. Also, it will take a few chapters until the baby is born. After all, Coulson is still dying in this fic...

“Little baby,” May whispered to her own belly, in a fluffy mood due to hormones, “you are so welcome.”

Phil sat down beside her on the couch, linking his eyes with hers to ask for her approval for whatever he wanted to do. She let him. She was too tired and swollen to fight him anyway. Not that she didn't want him to touch her - if only, her pregnancy had especially increased her need to cuddle with him, and not always non-sexually.

He put his hand on her swollen belly, right by hers, and his face turned almost mushy, and she laughed at him.

“You're such a dork.”

“I'm just appreciating every moment I get to feel you up.” She frowned, and he corrected himself. “I mean, your belly.”

“Right.” She smiled at him though, and it always managed to make his heart flutter, she knew.

They were silent for a long time, and it was comfortable; just them and that tiny little wonder tucked away safely in her womb. They were a wonder, and it had inflated Phil’s ego immensely to know that he had gotten her pregnant, even though the chances were next to impossible. He'd done it.

She smiled with happy tears in her eyes when he lowered his head against her belly, placing soft kisses, something he'd done before but she would never get used to the sight.

“Uhm, guys?”

They looked up to find Daisy standing in front of them, almost a little embarrassed to be interrupting them, but considering most people left them alone when they were together, it must be important.

“I did a thing.”

May sighed and pushed Phil away gently, and he helped her up, and as they stood in front of their, well, adoptive daughter, Daisy much resembled a little kid being reprimanded by her parents.

“Where's the body?”

Daisy started explaining, more like rambling, and May stopped her with a single hand raised. 

“Before you say anything, there were no witnesses, and I definitely, hopefully, didn't kill anybody.”

The young woman’s expression told her she did need help, and after a long argument in her head, she decided she would help. Daisy thanked her a thousand times, and ran out the room.

“You're getting soft in your old days.”

Her head reared to the side, properly insulted, but she only found Phil’s sweet face smiling at her, so she knew he meant no disrespect.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, before, you would have let her figure it out by herself.”

“Hmm. Maybe you're right.” 

She followed Daisy and Phil was right behind her.

“I'll pay for that comment later on, won't I?”

“Just wait.”

She could basically feel him cringe behind her.

 

~...~

 

Coulson was taking full responsibility of the situation. Not only did he try every trick in the book to convince her that he was serious and that he wouldn’t leave, he was also preparing for the permanence a baby would bring. When she was asleep, he would often look at family houses, knowing that right now she wouldn’t accept anything of the sorts, but wanting to prepare himself either way for when they were ready to take that step.

He knew he had to provide for his family, and with his plans to retire from SHIELD once the baby was born, he had to find a way to bring bread to the table. He was willing to do a lot and work hard, but most of his job interviews resulted in disappointing phone calls telling him in colorful ways that they had chosen another applicant. After one of his last interviews before his sanity would shatter, he asked the man on the phone if they could give him a reason why they had rejected him.

“I hate to say it, but you’re too old. We’re looking for a fresh face.”

“But I have quite some experience.”

“We know, and we took that into consideration. But we can teach experience. You can’t turn back time.”

Melinda saw how devastated he was by his continuous rejections, and she really did help him through it, her kisses mending his poor heart, and she let him rest his head on her swollen belly often, knowing that that would always serve to calm him down.

“I just want to be able to support us. I got us in this mess, I should be the one to carry most of the financial burdens.”

She didn’t grace those comments with an answer. Instead, her fingers weaved through his short hair and she thought. Long and hard. Then, she reached out for a newspaper she had been reading before he had come barging into the room, and she skipped most of the pages to end up at the spot she wanted to show him. It wasn’t the jobs section, like he had expected - instead, it was an article describing how a local high school was struggling to make ends meet, and how the community was trying their best to help out.

“What is it you’re showing me, exactly?”

“It could be a job,” she replied. “They’re not stating that they’re hiring, specifically, but it sounds like they could use you at that school. You know, restoring it to its past glory.”

When he looked up at her from his position against her belly, he found her smiling at him, that tooth-baring grin that would give her anything she ever asked him. He would throw himself to his old knees for that smile.

He realized eventually that she was referencing SHIELD, how he had been the biggest advocate for the organization, continuously giving his everything to rebuild it, time and time again, until everybody had lost hope in it, including Melinda. (Well, she had never really had high hopes for the organization, despite being in it for decades and giving her life for it. She didn’t really like SHIELD all that much.) 

Perhaps she was right. Perhaps he could help them.

“Mr. Coulson, we are so glad you read our article. I’m personally a big fan of your work on SHIELD,” the director beamed, shaking his hand and motioning for him to sit down. She was young but not that young, about mid-thirties, and everything about her outfit screamed professionalism, but the way she carried herself revealed that her heart was in the right place.

Coulson wanted to counter that comment about SHIELD, but realized that this was one of his last chances at taking responsibility. So he smiled and nodded. “Thank you.”

“I knew we should have put down that we are hiring, but it totally slipped my mind. I’m glad you decided to apply. So, what can you offer?”

“I know my history, and I guess I can keep kids quiet and educated.”

“Well, you’re hired!”

“But you haven’t even discussed my qualifications yet.”

“With a resumé like yours, who needs qualifications? I know the sensible thing to do is hire a young, fresh face, but they’re so insecure and, well… new. I know you don’t have experience in teaching, and I know the School Board will have an opinion about that, but you know what you’re talking about and you have a natural… authority over you.”

“You know that from the two minutes we’ve spent together?”

The woman laughed and Coulson would have pinched himself - the woman had already expressed her intention to hire him, no need to push it. He still didn’t know why she wanted him at her school. Then, it dawned on him.

“You called Nick Fury, didn’t you?”

The woman nodded and her laughter died down a little.

“I was surprised to see such a big name on your list of references, but I decided to give it a shot. He told me I would be an idiot not to hire you.” She paused, then her smile returned. “Not in those words, but that was the gist of it.”

Coulson could guess what type of language Fury had used, but the fact that he thought this about him filled his soul with hope and determination. Fury had been a friend at first, before Fury became the Director, and then he had turned into more of a mentor figure to Coulson. He hadn’t seen Fury in years, and he knew he was risking a lot by putting Fury’s name on that list (considering Fury wanted to remain anonymous), but it seemed it had paid off.

“Thank you.”

The woman smiled and reached over her desk to shake his hand.

“We’re happy to have you, Mr. Coulson. Welcome to Westerburg.”

Maybe Coulson’s father could be proud of him, the asshole. Coulson was taking responsibility, something his father never had, leaving Coulson’s mother alone with their kid and dying not long after. But Coulson would never leave, wouldn't do that, not to himself and especially not to Melinda. 

She was the mother of his unborn child, but more importantly - the love of his life. She had put her trust in him, something that was honestly rare. He wouldn’t disappoint her.

 

~...~

 

The baby was making her even grumpier than she already was. She snapped at her friends, yelled at Phil for no apparent reason, and altogether in her bad moods could turn the mood in a room around completely.

She hated it. So much. She wanted to be strong, wanted to be able to fool others that the baby wasn't impacting her greatly, but the words just slipped from her lips, and then she would feel too embarrassed, and maybe even proud, to apologize. 

But one day, she'd had enough. She had just flipped at Phil for leaving a stained knife flat on the kitchen counter, soiling the surface she had just cleaned. She had yelled, without really being angry, but the words had flowed and she regretted them now.

She stood in the doorway and looked at him on the couch, reading something arbitrary. He looked as though her words hadn't hurt him, and perhaps they didn't really.

“Phil?”

He looked up and smiled when he saw her.

“Hey.”

“Don't,” she whispered, and it made him frown. He put his book down and focused on her.

“Don't, what?”

“Don't be so nice.”

He chuckled and the sound pulled her closer, until she was sitting beside him. His hand reached for hers and she linked them, brushing the top of his hand with her thumb.

“Hey. What's up?”

“I'm sorry,” she whispered. He frowned again and his hold on her hand tightened. 

“For what?”

“For yelling at you. For being horrible to you. You're everything to me and yet I treat you like crap.”

“You don't have to apologize for feeling something, Melinda. You can pretend to be a fortress but I know who you are. It's okay to feel. It's okay to talk about it. What's not okay is keeping your feelings inside until you will explode.”

“I don't explode.”

“You called me an asshole for putting a knife directly onto the counter,” he deadpanned. She blushed out of shame.

“I'm sorry-"

“No, what did I tell you? You don't apologize for that. Instead, you just let it out, tell me what you're feeling, so it won't build up and explode in our faces.”

“But I'm terrible with expressing myself.”

She could tell by his face that he wanted to say ‘I know’, but wisely swallowed it.

“Then you just listen to me talking about myself.”

“Ugh.”

“So it all began on October 16th, 1965, as-"

“Stop,” she said, smiling now, and it amazed her how good he was at this. Then again, he was her best friend, and had been for many years. He knew her, inside and out, knew who she was, knew she wasn't a statue like everyone always said, knew what she was thinking before she even said it. He was her best friend, and even as they had turned into lovers at some point, he never failed to just  _ know _ her. It was soothing to her. 

“You're being ridiculous.”

“Is it working?”

It was.

She rolled her eyes and his hand reached up to caress her cheek, and dammit, she started crying again. He was so kind, so pure. People tended to overlook him, maybe they thought he was too normal, too dorky, not interesting enough. But she could never overlook him, would recognize him anywhere, his blue eyes, receding hairline, the laugh lines in his face - he was so incredibly beautiful to her, inside and out. She had never expected to feel anything like this.

“I'm crying,” she deadpanned, and it made him laugh, reaching out to brush her tears away and pull her into a hug. Her belly was in the way, and she hated that she couldn't get any closer. He remedied that by pulling her into his lap and wrapping his arms tightly around her. She briefly thought of how a position similar to this one had probably gotten them into their current predicament in the first place, but brushed it off to cherish this sweet moment.

She comfortably rested her head on his shoulder and continued crying, until the worst of it was over, and even then he pulled his arms closer around her. 

Everybody deserved a Phil Coulson. But this Phil Coulson, she would never give up for anything.

 

~..~

 

Jemma had given birth to her baby in the most gracious way possible - she had excused herself while they were all having dinner one night, and when she hadn't returned after a while, Fitz had gone and checked up on her. They had heard one single scream and when he returned to the kitchen, announced that they had a baby daughter, Blair Fitzsimmons. (And admittedly, their last name sounded so good. It was familiar.)

May wished that could be her, but she had never had any luck with anything in her life, so she just had a feeling she would spend two days in labor, only for it to escalate into a C-section and wreck her body completely.

She went to Jemma later that night and the young woman was almost falling asleep, looking at her baby girl on the bed beside her.

“Hey,” May said, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Agent May.”

“I think we're well past that now.”

Jemma smiled and nodded. “Right. May."

May rolled her eyes. “That's better, I guess. How you feeling?”

“Exhausted, but happy. I've been waiting for this little one for ages. I can't believe she's finally here.”

Jemma was glowing, and May felt so happy for her. She deserved it, Fitz deserved it, after everything these two had been through. And Jemma was a born mother, gentle, kind, smart.

Dammit. Everything May wasn't. 

“You want to hold her?”

“May I?”

“Of course.”

May climbed onto the bed so she was leaning against the headboard, and it had been a while since she had gotten into bed unassisted so she was still reeling from that thought when Jemma placed the tiny newborn baby in May’s arms.

Oh my god. Were all babies this tiny? She'd held babies before, but none of them had ever felt this tiny. She looked over the sleeping baby at her own belly. Her baby would be as tiny as this little one? Probably tinier because neither May nor Phil were very tall, and Fitzsimmons had some good European genes.

What the hell was she thinking about? When had she gotten so damn soft and… and weak? It must be the stupid pregnancy hormones and the fact she was so swollen everywhere she could hardly function.

“She's beautiful,” May whispered, brushing the girl’s cheeks and smiling when it got her a grin. “You did well."

“May?”

“Hmm?”

“I don't know what to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“I, uh… I always imagined that… when I would have a baby… my mum would help me out. But…” She looked around at the dump that was their ‘home’, and May felt bad for Jemma. For all of them, actually, including herself. They all deserved an actual home. “I imagine my parents probably disowned me or something. I haven't seen them since I joined the team.”

And that was an eternity ago. May felt kind of sad about the fact that Fitzsimmons had just been kids when she had met them, innocent, sweet, but now so much had happened to them they had matured way past their age. May felt bad because she had only looked at their credentials and their capabilities and not at them as a person. If she had known how not ready they had been, she would never have allowed them to be on the team.

But looking at Jemma Simmons now, May did feel a bit proud. The girl had gone through hell and back, almost literally, but she still had her beautiful smile on her face and her kindness and sincerity following her around like a cloud of perfume. Oh, also, her perfume. 

“I'll help you.”

“You will?”

“It can't be that hard.”

They fumbled with the diapers a little but Blair was unaware of it all, sleeping and smiling occasionally when she felt her mother’s touch. May was certain the current diaper was definitely on the wrong way and realized she needed to prepare herself for her own baby. She knew Phil had read countless of pregnancy books but she had always thought she didn't need to.

They tucked Blair into bed, because honestly Fitzsimmons couldn't have imagined that the little girl would be born so early so they didn't have most of the necessary furniture set up, so there was no crib.

May decided to leave the two girls alone but Jemma pulled on her hand. Before they could say anything else, Jemma’s arms were around May tightly, for as much that was possible with two swollen bellies bumping against each other, but May knew she liked this, and so did Jemma.

“Thank you, Melinda,” she whispered, totally sincere. “I couldn't have picked a better second mum.”

With that, Jemma refocused all of her attention on little Blair, and as May left the room dumbfounded, Fitz rushed in with a big smile on his face and a couple of bags in his hands. 

“Huh,” May mumbled. She had always regarded Jemma Simmons as a daughter, but neither of them had ever spoken the words out loud. To hear Jemma admit that she thought of May as a mother… second mother, but mother nonetheless, it did her well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE leave a comment, they mean so much to me! I'll even respond to them!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May realizes she can't let her child grow up without a father. Daisy and Jemma help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the slightly trickier chapter, and I know I could have just avoided it altogether, like I did in Number One, I just felt like I needed to elaborate in this story, it deserved that. So it's silly mostly and I took a lot of creative license here, but hey, the end product is all that matters, right?  
> Also, the first part in Italics came to me just yesterday, and considering she's already past 20 weeks basically, I decided to add it as a flashback. I really wanted to write such a scene. Sue me.  
> Also, posting this now just to get it over with. Of all parts I've written so far, this I feel is the worst. Oops.

_ “Alright, Mrs. Coulson, you know the drill, this might be a little cold.” _

_ She knew she should correct the kind woman, who was only being nice, seeing as that was part of her job - but somehow, hearing somebody call her Mrs. Coulson… it didn’t sound half as bad. (She knew Phil didn’t want to get married yet, and she had agreed, but with everything that had happened so far, she really wouldn’t mind just tying the knot. In the end, she knew she would wait for  _ him _ to pop the question.) _

_ Phil’s hand came up to hold hers. This was his first ultrasound, for the previous ones she had been stubborn and mean, keeping the fact that she was going to have one from him until after the fact, and he had been disappointed and a little angry, which was totally justified. This time, he had made her promise that she would take him the next time, and so here they were. She hadn’t really seen the use in him coming along, there was nothing real to see anyway considering the baby was still small, but in hindsight she knew that he deserved to be a part of this too. _

_ He wasn’t correcting the obviously wrong title either, and it made a flare of hope run through her system. Okay. Perhaps he was revisiting his opinion on marriage.  _

_ “Do you want to know the sex?” _

_ May shook her head almost immediately, but then Phil’s hand wrapped around hers made her realize that she wasn’t the only one in this thing, and that he deserved to voice his opinions, too. She looked at him and she could tell he was nervous. She squeezed his hand, and it made him look at her. _

_ “I like a surprise,” he stated, a small smile pulling on his lips. She stared at him for a while, not yet believing that he was here with her and that she was in love with him and that she was pregnant with their  _ baby _.  _

_ “Alright. You’re at twenty weeks, right?” May nodded in response. “Well, your baby isn’t quite ready yet, but you’ll be able to see a lot more than the last time. If all’s well, your baby might finally start to look like one. Let’s take a look, shall we?” _

_ Dory, as May found out the woman was called, moved the device around on May’s belly, the feeling not very pleasant. May briefly wondered if it was normal to apply this much pressure, and worried for a brief second that it might hurt the baby - before she realized that this woman had studied for years to do just this, so she knew what she was doing.  _

_ Before they could even see the baby, they were already met by a fast yet steady heartbeat, and May let her eyes fall shut for a few seconds, just listening to that sound.  _

_ A baby. Her baby. How was this still happening? Why hadn’t she awoken from this obvious dream, to be thrown into a reality where she was so close to Phil yet still so far away, a reality where despite everyone’s best efforts, he was- _

_ Phil gasped and it pulled her back into her actual reality, which was often more like a dream, and she looked at him. She saw tears in his eyes, and wondered what it was that had made him so emotional. He had always been more emotional than she was, pregnancy aside, but it was still quite rare to see Phil Coulson cry. When she looked at the little monitor, she saw exactly what had made him tear up. _

_ Their baby. All the previous times, it had just been a little blob on the monitor, although all the sonogramers had stated with joy that ‘that’s your baby!’. But this time, there was no question about the image on the screen - it was a baby. The image was so clear, her baby so grown already, she could nearly count all the little fingers and toes. She felt the baby kick in her belly, as though it was trying to let their presence known, and she saw the action returned on the screen. _

_ “That’s your baby,” Dory said with a smile, writing down some things on a clipboard. All May really focused on was that little baby on the screen, and Phil’s hand tightly around hers. _

_ “Phil…” With anybody else, she might have kept in her tears, even her feelings, and she let herself think for just a second that perhaps if she had been in this situation with Andrew Garner, she might not have moved a muscle. But this was the man she was in love with, the love of her life, her best friend for decades and the only person she could really, truly trust. This was Phil Coulson. She could feel with him however she wanted to feel. _

_ “It looks like a healthy little one,” Dory kept talking, but it didn’t quite register. May felt Phil’s lips against the side of her head, saw her little baby on the monitor in front of her, and she just… broke down.  _

_ Her life might be a dream right now, but the reality that she kept expecting to wake up to didn’t fail to make itself known in tiny fragments. _

_ He was dying. Her heart was preparing itself for a full, happy life with him, but he would die, possibly very soon.  _

_ Why was her life always full of contradictions? Why couldn’t she just be happy, for once? _

The initial days Jemma had given him had never come, nor the weeks she had added in her diagnosis just to make them feel better.

She had pushed it to the side for a while, perhaps hoping that if she wouldn't give it any attention, it would go away. But it wouldn't. And the scars on his chest kept getting worse.

Phil was out on a mission and May missed him a lot, because whenever he wasn't close to her, she was always envisioning doom scenarios in her dreams, of him never returning, flashbacks to her life without him after New York. This part could not be blamed on the hormones - she had always worried about him too much, she had lost so many people during her time at SHIELD and she honestly couldn't afford to lose him, too, her best friend. 

He was settling into his future job as a teacher but they were waiting until the next semester to get him fully installed, and it allowed him some time to help out SHIELD (and Daisy) where possible. Not that she agreed with it, but she knew she couldn’t really change his mind on that topic.

After the nightmares, she would wake up bathing in sweat, and one night she'd had enough.

There must be a way for her to save him. She knew she was on this planet to protect him, even though he'd told her time and time again that he didn't need protecting. She would always save him, so the idea that she wouldn't be able to save him from this death was unfathomable. Also, she had to try everything within her might to make sure her baby would grow up with both parents.

She thought of what they had gone through together, the years at the Academy, the countless of missions they had been on, where a lot of their conversations had just been meaningless flirting, but then she had gotten together with Andrew and all of her fun with Phil had suddenly ended. Maybe he was afraid she wouldn't want to be friends anymore, but she knew that she meant more to him than he was letting on. She remembered his death, and the realization it had brought that she would never see his smile again, would never hear him fanboying about Captain America, never feel his warm, strong arms around her, his teasing about her dating habits. Then he had come back and they had pretended nothing had happened, but it was impossible, she couldn't forget the grief she had experienced, but most of all she couldn't go back to being just friends, not when his death had made her realize that she loved him. And she had tried again with Andrew, but he couldn't make her smile anymore, hadn't made her smile since Bahrain, really. Ugh, Bahrain.  _ Moving on. _

She thought of the people she had met, Fitzsimmons, Daisy Johnson (then Skye) and her parents. They were psychos and it had pained May a little. Daisy had always wanted to meet her parents, but she couldn't have known how crazy they would be. May hoped she could make up for that fact a little.

Wait… Daisy’s mother. She could heal herself, right? May had read something about the woman’s blood having regenerative powers, and that it had made Whitehall young again. That must be the missing piece to the puzzle. There must be some way to obtain her blood...

She put on some clothes, puffing and groaning because her five-month-baby belly was in the way, and she startled a little when the door opened.

“May? What are you doing?”

It was Daisy, whose bedroom was the one right next to May and Phil’s, which sometimes caused some uncomfortable moments but right now May was kind of glad that the girl was close.

“I'm going to save Coulson.”

“Save him? Is he in danger?”

“No, I mean, I'm going to find a cure for his death.”

“But May, we already discussed this,” Daisy countered, even though she was helping May put on her clothing, because they both knew May would win in the end.

“It sounds like you have a plan.”

May finished dressing and grabbed the girl by her shoulders. “Daisy, your mother.”

“What about my mother?” But then the realization kicked in and Daisy’s eyes widened. “Oh my god.”

May moved to step out of the room but Daisy grabbed one of her wrists.

“Is there a reason we're doing this at three in the morning?”

May rubbed her belly and shrugged. “No time to lose.”

The research in their lab lasted halfway through the night, and May’s back was protesting and Daisy was always yawning, but they couldn't stop.

“So, think. Whitehall was basically in love with my mother because her blood could make him young again. So he cut her open and, uh, used basically everything… I feel uncomfortable talking about this.”

“That's okay. What were you getting at?”

“Well, if he knew she had regenerative powers, don't you think he would keep some for future use?”

“Meaning he should probably have some samples lying around somewhere.”

“But doesn't blood have like an expiration date or something?”

“Blood can realistically be stored for a year, but that's if the samples were taken well and they're freezing cold.”

A familiar voice sounded from behind them. Jemma Simmons had been eavesdropping, probably without meaning to, as she was holding her newborn daughter, and she probably just wanted to get something for Blair.

“So, what, thirty years is probably too long, right?”

Jemma’s eyes widened for a split second, before she shuffled her daughter in her arms and just settled for frowning.

“Why would you want to use thirty year old blood samples?”

Daisy started explaining, and quickly the realization was dawning on Jemma of what this could do for humanity - but mostly Phil Coulson.

“That's impossible.”

“If there's anything our past has taught us, it's that nothing is impossible,” Daisy said. She looked at May’s belly briefly. May knew, there were no impossible things anymore.

“If we had the sample, maybe I could have a look at it, see what's up with it. I can't promise that it will help Coulson, though.”

“He's already dying,” May blurted out, but it was the only truth at that moment. “We've got nothing to lose.”

“Alright,” Jemma said, nodding. “Do you know where to find a sample yet?”

“Not really." Daisy took over, despite her young age and troubled youth still a born leader. Maybe it was because of her youth that she took initiative before anyone else did. She'd had to make all the tough calls for herself. 

Maybe that's why she was such a good Director.

May rested her hand against her belly, and fought a smile when she felt her baby kick against her hand. 

Don't worry, little baby. Your Mommy and sisters will save your Daddy.

 

~...~

 

After some digging, they had found a laboratory that Whitehall used to own in the nineties. Something had told May that this could be the place where they could find the needed samples - call it intuition. Or maybe the lab records talking about a woman from the Hunan province in China brought in for ‘experimentation’.

The science facility looked old and deserted, and May already felt the hope she had felt before sink out through her toes. But the tiny baby kicking in her belly made her remember why she needed to save Phil.

“You search upstairs, I'll check here.”

“Uh, no way. I'm not leaving you alone.”

May raised an eyebrow at Daisy. “I could take Jemma.”

Jemma, in her turn, protested. “I don't feel comfortable being responsible for a pregnant woman. I only just learned the chokehold.”

“You literally just pooped out your own baby,” Daisy argued.

“Okay, this isn't going anywhere,” May interrupted, wondering when in the hell ‘missions’ had turned into her two daughters arguing over who would protect their pregnant mother. Then she remembered that she was pregnant in the first place and that hormones were strong. “We'll check it together.”

They went through numerous cupboards, opened freezers that were barely functioning anymore, and Daisy and Jemma were about to give up when May caught something in the corner of her eyes. 

“Guys,” she mumbled, walking over to the one freezer they hadn't checked yet, which was conveniently labeled ‘Classified’, and May opened it. Inside, there was only one vial of what appeared to be blood, but she knew one drop could possibly be enough to save Phil.

“Jemma?”

“I'll take it.”

They rushed back to the lab, where Jemma stored it in the best way possible and looked at the results. 

“The blood is very very old, which isn't a surprise, I guess, but I did see some differences in it compared to regular blood. For instance, on a molecular level-"

“Let's just skip to the bottom line,” Daisy interrupted, “in normal English.”

“Right. So, I've never seen blood like this in my life. Honestly, any other blood that would be stored for this long would be useless, but it seems as though it kept regenerating itself. Hence, the reason why we got it in the first place. There did seem to be a limit, however, to how long it could rejuvenate, and it seems like most of the cells are too weak to hold out for much longer.”

“Is there any good news in there?”

Jemma paused, then looked at May again. May realized that she might be a bit threatening when it came to this topic, but this was too important for her, she wouldn't let Phil die if there was a way to save him.

“One drop could be enough. We would just have to try it out.”

When Phil returned, Jemma, Daisy and May ushered him into the lab.

“What's going on?”

Nobody said anything as they sat him down, and Jemma worked with precision. Phil met May’s eyes.

“There's no way in hell our baby is going to grow up without you.”

“But we already know the effects of Ghost Rider are irreversible.”

“Maybe they're not,” Jemma interjected. “This might be a long shot, but it doesn't hurt to try.”

“What is this anyway?” 

Jemma set an IV and the three women looked anxiously as the few drips they had taken from the vial entered his veins.

“You really don't want to know,” Daisy muttered. 

 

~...~

 

Later that day, Coulson sat on the couch looking at the bandaid that was covering the place where the IV had been in his arm. He felt funny, but it didn't do him well that he didn't know what they had injected him with. For all he knew, it could have been Kool Aid. 

Melinda walked into the room, her hand underneath her belly on instinct. She had complained once that it was an obstruction to her everyday life, but then she would counter the venom in her voice when her gentle hands brushed her belly.

“How are you feeling?”

“Violated.”

She rolled her eyes, but she still looked worried. She sat beside him, her fingers on the bandaid, sending some shivers down his spine. 

“It was a last resort type of thing,” she whispered quietly. “I'm sorry for not discussing it with you first.”

“So what was it?”

“You don't want to know.”

“I do, actually. Do I not have the right to know what you pumped into me?”

“It was Jiaying’s blood.”

He froze to the couch, the words falling over him, settling in his stomach and making him feel uneasy. They had put the blood of Daisy’s deceased mother in him.

He bent over so his head was in between his knees and he took in some deep breaths.

Her small hand rested on his back and he closed his eyes.

This wasn't happening. They didn't do this. He had been perfectly fine with bearing the consequences of his stupid actions, even if it meant that he would die soon. Sure, he was sad about being unable to see his child grow up, but that was life. He had dodged that bullet once before, it was unfair to ask for a second chance.

“I'm sorry, Phil. But I'm always going to save you, whether you like it or not. I'm not going to allow my child to grow up without their father. I'm not going to… live without you. Phil. I can't live without you.”

He raised his head to look at her but he saw stars instead.

“You could have discussed it with me.”

“I know, but you would have said no.”

“Perhaps that has a reason.”

“Which is?”

“That I cannot ask for a second chance at life.”

Melinda shook her head and put a hand on his cheek. He didn't deserve her. He was broken goods. He had never done anything good for her, had only brought her pain and misery, had pushed her away and had pulled her too close at the wrong times, and he only wished he could be a better man. Someone who was worthy of her.

She reached down to unbutton his shirt and he protested, but she still kept going. She looked at his chest and her eyes widened a little. He could swear he saw tears in them, but this was Melinda May, and she hardly ever cried. Well, only in her mood swings but that was a side effect from her pregnancy.

“Did it work?”

She brushed his chest with such gentle hands, he felt her soul pull him closer. His arms wrapped around her and he pulled her into his lap, until her head was resting against his chest and she was sighing contently.

He could always count on Melinda May to save his life. He didn't need to ask, could even try to keep her from doing it, but at the end of the day, her saving him was an instinct, a given, and he was careful not to take it for granted.

“I don't feel better. I just feel… different.”

“Because you are. You're not dying anymore.”

“Thank you, Melinda. I didn't know I wanted to live until you showed me why.”

She pulled back, grabbed his hands and put them on her belly. He felt himself melt underneath her and he sighed in relief.

He hadn't dared to admit how scared he was of dying. He always played it off like he thought a hero would, not bothered by the prospect of death, but honestly, he didn't want to die. He didn't want to say goodbye to Melinda yet, he didn't want their child to grow up fatherless. So really, he pretended that he was offended that they had gone behind his back and saved him, but he was just grateful.

Now, he would get to meet his child, their miracle baby. All because Melinda May had saved his worthless ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So she's nearly there guys. Perhaps just two or three more chapters and the baby will be here. Just FYI, seeing as I wrote most of the story already, I'm in love with that child. See how I'm trying to keep y'all entertained? ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May and Coulson can finally start building their relationship, and he snatches her away for a last-minute babymoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is basically where all the fluff begins. Beginning is still kind of Angsty, with mentions of New York and the Avengers, but by the end it's pretty much hearts and flowers.

She had nearly lost him, again, but she had made sure that she didn't. Together with Daisy and Jemma, they had saved him and now, May didn't need to worry about him any longer. (She would probably still worry, it was in her blood to worry about him, but she had less reason to now.)   


The realization that he was no longer dying helped immensely with her feelings for him - whereas she had been slightly hesitant at first to build her entire future on him, with him, because she had known that he wouldn't be there for the long run, she now knew he definitely would stick around. The first night after saving him, she had spent inside his arms, crying, blaming the hormones but knowing that this was all her.   


She had always wanted to grow old with him, be with him. It seemed the universe had finally listened to her.   


They went shopping for baby stuff not long after, and it just made her incredibly emotional, but why she didn't know. All these clothes were so tiny and it reminded her that their baby would be that small, too, at least in the beginning.   


He was hesitant to touch her in public, she could tell, and she knew she technically only had herself to blame. She wasn't too fond of PDA's, but with him... she didn't mind him touching her. So she reached out for his hand, and they held it while they strolled through the countless of aisles. It felt incredibly not-them, but it was very satisfying nonetheless.   


"Do we need all this crap?" he asked her, lifting tiny little Adidas shoes and frowning. "News flash: baby can't walk yet."   


She smiled at him and looked up at his face, all seriousness without even a hint of a joke. Or, so it seemed, because Phil had the best kind of humor and he often hid it under a stoic face, making his jokes even funnier.   


"Wipe warmers? Seriously? People condition their child to be cleaned with warm wipes only? Good luck changing their diapers in public."   


She didn't respond to his comments, didn't feel like she needed to. She enjoyed hearing him rant like that and he was totally right about everything. Even better was when some parents around them were obviously told by staff members that they should totally buy that expensive crib bedding set, and Phil just subtly dropped that baby would probably poop all over it during the first night (because that was what Blair Fitzsimmons had done and it had amused everybody to see poor Fitz trying to get out all the stains the day after).

May squeezed his hand just in time when an employee came their way, probably trying to get them to stop interrupting her sales. And what a feeling it gave when Phil shut up immediately, fully taking May’s advice because he knew she would always do what’s best for him. It was such a pleasant change in comparison to his behavior before they had found out that she was pregnant. 

Just as she was about to explain to him why it would perhaps be better for him to stop talking, May’s eyes landed on a tiny shirt hung at the end of the aisle they were about to walk into. 

“Phil,” she whispered, her free hand coming up to hold onto his arm. She felt a smile spread over her face, one that was still a little rare even if her pregnancy was making her soft. After a few seconds, she heard him chuckle beside her.

It was a Captain America shirt, like a smaller representation of his uniform, complete with his trademark shield printed on the back.

“Oh my god,” she whispered, and he still chuckled while taking it into his hands. “People actually want to buy this?”

She was only teasing, and he probably knew that. He put up appearances, though, when he gasped and disconnected their hands, staring at her.

“Captain America is the greatest superhero that has ever lived, Melinda. He has saved countless of lives.”

“Except yours.”   
“Yeah, well, that was mostly my own fault. Apparently, he was sad when I died.”

“Of course he was, Phil,” she whispered now, not having expected to have such a conversation after spotting a shirt. “He was your friend. They all died a little when you did.”

He looked at her, his chuckles now officially disappeared from his features. He reached out for one of her hands but held them down.

“And you?”

“I just died. Not a little.”

“I’m sorry I nearly put you through that again.”

She shook her head. “I always knew it was a risk of our profession. But… you’re here now. That’s all we should focus on.”

He nodded, but she saw how much the thought of dying hurt him. She knew it wasn’t just the memory of dying, per se, it was the idea of leaving her behind that was hurting him now. He had a hard time leaving her behind, so she was glad that she had saved him.

“Let’s get that shirt and go home,” she offered, brushing his cheeks. He shook his head.

“No. We don’t get enough time to spend alone. I want to do this.”

So they continued, hand in hand. With every minute she spent by this man’s side, she just felt herself getting closer and closer. To what? Him, definitely.

And happiness. Incredible, impossible happiness. It had always seemed so far out of reach for her. But now, she hardly needed to try to get it - just a smile from him was enough.

 

~...~

 

“You're stalling.”

“I'm not stalling. I'm just appreciating how beautiful you are.”

She had to admit, it almost worked. His clear blue eyes worked like magic on her heart, but one look at the box lying on the ground before them reinstated her original goal.

“Stalling.”

He pouted and sighed, turning to the box, too.

“I don't get why they don't sell these all finished up.”

“How would it fit in the car?”

“We could always borrow a Quinjet.”

She raised an eyebrow, wondering whether he was actually serious, but when he chuckled, she knew he was joking.

“Alright. This can't be too hard.”

An hour later, he was sweating, his back hunched over, furiously holding the manual and probably wondering why in hell he had agreed to doing this.

“Is it too late to take back the baby?”

“Yes.” She came to stand behind him, her hands in his neck, massaging his shoulders, and he sighed in near bliss. “You want me to get Fitz?”

“No! Don't give him another reason to be cocky.”

“He did just finish their daughter’s crib last week.”

“I don't care. I want to do this myself.”

“Alright.” She sighed, knowing she wouldn't be able to stop him from being so stubborn once he'd set his mind to it. She kissed his lips, took her place on their bed opposite where the crib was supposed to be, and wasn't surprised to have lost an hour or so. She had only closed her eyes for a little while.

“Mel! Melinda! Look!” 

She had trouble waking up from her impromptu nap, but he made sure she was on her feet before she could even protest. There, in front of their bed, was Phil standing, looking excitedly at his newest creation, and she couldn't help but smile at him.

“It certainly looks like the picture.”

He rolled his eyes and pulled her closer.

“I only have one loose screw.”

She chuckled, and made a mental note to have their engineers Fitz and Mack take a look at it when Phil wasn't there. She would not let her baby sleep in this if Phil wasn't sure himself if it was stable.

“I agree,” he said eventually, reading her mind, it seemed, “it might not be stable, but it'll have to do.”

Yep. Mack and Fitz were definitely checking this thing out.

He squeezed the crib into place, and looked at it for a while, and she had sat down on the edge of the bed, watching him. She wondered what he would be like as a father. She had seen him with Daisy, which was fathering in a way, but she hadn't really seen him with babies, or little children. Daisy was an adult, so she could survive by herself. Well, most of the time. She hoped he would be a good father, smart, supportive, strong. She couldn't imagine him as anything else, though.

His groaning brought her back into reality, and she saw he had climbed onto some steps, reaching to the ceiling.

“Be careful,” she said, instinctively, because she knew how clumsy he could be. He nodded, finished what he was trying to do, and stepped back and looked at the result. She found a mobile hanging above the crib, an item she had not seen when they had gone baby shopping, so she got up and inspected it. 

Phil stood silently beside her, now watching her.

It was simple, plain almost, little stuffed animals hanging from a frame, and the sight of it made her burst into tears, for whichever inexplicable reason. Perhaps it was the prospect of her baby,  _ their _ baby, sleeping peacefully in their crib, surrounded by parents who loved them, loved each other, so so deeply. She had never loved anyone as much as she loved Phil. But she had a feeling that she would love her baby even more.

“I made it myself,” he whispered near her ear, one of his hand gingerly on her shoulder. “Well, with some help from the internet, of course.”

“Of course,” she mumbled, now sobbing, and he came to stand in front of her, his eyes leveling with his.

“If you don't like it, we can always-"

“No! No. I… I love it.” She looked at him, sure she looked ridiculous now, crying over such an ordinary thing, but it was so pretty, so well-made, so… beautiful. It had come from his heart, she could see the love that he had poured into it, and almost envisioned him working on it late at night, pictures of a future for them flashing before his eyes.

She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly, hopefully letting him know how appreciated this little mobile was, how beautiful she thought it was.

“I love you,” she whispered. She couldn't help it. She hadn't told him often, not often enough - now that she thought about it, she hadn't told him at all. At first she had been afraid of even thinking the words, then when she was thinking them, she had the audacity to think that he would know she loved him. But she realized that she loved it when he told her how much he loved her, gave her a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, so the least she could do was return the favor. “I love you so much.”

He smiled against the side of her head, one of his hands in her neck to pull her close, the other on her belly, cherishing, and she loved him. Oh, she loved him so.

 

~...~

 

He didn’t always have magnificent ideas, but even as she hated them at the start of it all, usually after a while, she would grow to love it.

While she was settling on the air mattress in a tent just outside of Budapest, her back protesting because her belly just wouldn’t do what she wanted it to, she realized that there were definitely exceptions to that rule. 

“I regret this  _ so badly _ ,” she murmured, putting yet another pillow underneath her belly and feeling how he wasn’t helping her at all. She briefly wondered if he was already asleep but then she felt him chuckle against her neck. 

“This is the last vacation we can spend with just the two of us.”

“If you hadn’t gotten me pregnant, we wouldn’t have had to do this in the first place.”

“I know. But it’s too late to change that.” His hand reached out to touch her belly and with all of the anger that was still in her body at his stupid plans, she still all but melted into his arms. She was so weak. “Now, how can I help to get you more comfortable?”

“I just need one more pillow,” she muttered, and within seconds she felt how his hand propped another pillow underneath her belly, before his arms were around her again. This was… not too bad. She had never experienced air mattresses to be very comfortable, and perhaps it had more to do with the company she was keeping now, but she didn’t feel half bad as she finally settled in.

She felt something was off with the position of his head now, compared to where it had been before the last pillow was added, and she looked over her shoulder for as much that was possible without compromising the pillow fort that was propping up her belly.

He had given her his pillow. He was now lying flat on the mattress, and his head was too low for her to see his expression.

Had he seriously sacrificed his own comfort just so she felt better?

“Did you-”

“Shh.” He nuzzled the back of her neck and she closed her eyes in bliss. It were moments like these that made her fall in love with him just that little bit more. “Tomorrow, we’ll go cruising Danube River, and we’ll go to the thermal baths. It’s very lovely, apparently.”

“Phil?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you the way you are?”

She felt his head come up until he could almost rest it in her neck. His hands were still roaming her belly.

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you so inherently good?”

He was silent for a while, and his hands on her belly were the only thing showing her that he was still awake, until she felt his lips press against the skin in her neck.

“You bring out the best in me,” he whispered close to her ear. “I’ll do anything for you.”

She knew that was nothing but the truth. He kept showing her every single day they were together, and him taking her on this short camping trip to Europe, or him giving her his own pillow for her own comfort, were just small examples in what made Phil such a good man for her. 

They really did bring out the best in each other. He was romantic with her, kind and sweet, protective, thoughtful - she was patient with him, cuddly, loyal and just… obedient. And not in the ‘oh you’re my boyfriend so I should do what you say’ - she’d had a very long history of being stubborn with her boyfriends, even her husband Andrew, but she knew most of it had been caused by a general distrust in any human being whatsoever, lest a human being who was supposed to protect her on every level possible, especially intimately. But she trusted Phil like she had never trusted anybody, ever, and he was honestly the only person she could be this person for - a whole different woman, seemingly, calmer and more mature and altogether happier than ever before.

“Even sleeping on an air mattress while you complain until dawn.”

She chuckled and his arms tightened around her, and she wasn’t really surprised when she fell asleep only minutes later, the calm, protective hands of Phil Coulson around her and the relaxing sounds of trees rustling and birds preparing for sleep in the background.

His plans, especially for the two of them, rarely turned sour.

 

~...~

 

May sometimes regretted allowing herself to get pregnant. It was just so easy to prevent - if she had just allowed herself ten seconds to calm down in her need to have sex with him, they would have had enough time to get a condom. She hated that she had been so impatient, even with a rich history of endless patience. When it came to him, she simply couldn’t wait any longer. She just had to have him, in whatever way possible.

She was mostly just doubting herself, whether she could be a mother to her child, and not feel more like a grandmother. But she had carried her baby this far, and wouldn't stop now.

She knew the risks of a pregnancy later in life, especially to the baby. They could develop all kinds of diseases and syndromes, too many to name, but any ‘weirder’ than an Inhuman Daisy and two genius scientists in Fitzsimmons was practically impossible. It wouldn't matter to May, either. As long as they were happy, she would love her baby until her dying breath. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is really super important. I'll leave you hanging, hehe.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May is still stubborn, she gives birth to her miracle baby, and Lian May judges Coulson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! So remember when I told you two chapters ago that it would take a couple of chapters until she gives birth? Well, I was wrong. I thought there was more in between but I guess I was wrong. So, please enjoy this extra long chapter to celebrate the fact that the baby is finally here!

The contractions had started almost a day ago, Coulson could tell - but of course, Melinda pretended she could keep it from him, could suffer quietly and alone. When would she realize that he was there for her, with her, to help make the pain better? When would she stop being so god damn stubborn?

But it was her. It was part of what had made him fall in love with her. She didn’t really need him, despite her saying so from time to time. She didn’t need him like he needed her, she was so strong and independent, but she wanted him, god she did, and she had shown it even before they had gotten together. Perhaps just as friends back then, but he had always known she wanted him in her life, in whatever way, shape or form. He had simply settled for being her friend, if that was all he could get he would not let it go to waste.

Yet looking over her now, in her feeble attempts to sleep, he knew they were so much more than that. Of course, it wasn’t really a surprise anymore, they had been together for nine months now, but they didn’t always sleep together, for whatever reasons they were. Whenever he got to slip in bed beside her, wrapping his arms around her, he knew, more than anything, that she was the love of his life, and he would never find anyone like her. And their relationship had switched into a higher gear so soon, without them discussing it, and it made him scared sometimes that she would come to regret this one day. 

“Just tell me when you want to go,” he whispered in her ear, placing a faint kiss in the crook of her neck. Her hands held onto his as another contraction seemed to pass through her, and it almost physically hurt him. He didn’t want her to be in pain, it was his fault, he should have been the wiser one and calmed them down and gave them ample time to think things through. But alas, here she was, eight months pregnant with their baby, definitely in labor, slightly writhing in pain with every contraction, and all because he was a selfish prick and couldn’t wait any longer to have her. 

She seemed to have given up the act of not hurting, giving in to the pain. He was so scared, he couldn’t be a father, he didn’t want Melinda to shut him out, he-

“It hurts,” she gasped, holding onto his hands even tighter, and he hoped it could relieve some of her pain, hoped he could be useful like that. “Please don’t leave me, Phil.”

“I won’t. I promise. I’m staying with you.”

One of her hands reached behind her head, to hold onto the back of his neck, and when he placed another kiss on her neck, she let out a sigh.

“I love you,” she whispered, pulling him even closer with her hand on his nape. 

He realized right in that moment that while he might have screwed up their past, it was not too late to fix their future. 

He sat up and she whimpered, probably in the middle of a contraction, and he lifted her with one arm underneath her knees and the other around her shoulder. 

“You need to be comfortable, Melinda,” he started explaining, and her shocked expression did little to stop his movements. “There’s no way in hell we’ll lie here all night while your contractions are obviously getting worse. You won’t be stubborn right now, Melinda May. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

As he put her in the passenger seat of their car, sweat having pooled on her forehead and neck, she held onto his hand to stop him from leaving.

“I’ll just get our bags.”   
She smiled at him, and it looked odd with her pained expression leaking through, but it still made his heart flutter.

“Just what I need,” she croaked, before letting go of his hand to allow him to run back into base and get what they needed.

Perhaps he could be what she needed - her rock, her support, someone who wouldn’t take her bullshit and see right through her attempts at self-preservation. They were both afraid that they would get hurt, but he would never hurt her, and he knew she wouldn’t hurt him, either. So what was it really that they were playing at? 

He met a sleepy Daisy, who had awoken from all the commotion, in the hallway. She had been on alert for a few days, what with the due date fast approaching. 

“What’s going on?”

“The baby’s coming. I’m taking her to the hospital.”

She frowned at him but he didn’t have time to explain more. As he rushed into his and Melinda’s room, he gathered both their overnight bags and their phones, noticing how Daisy was walking in behind him, still rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“The baby is coming… wait, what?” When he didn’t respond, she gasped. “Oh my god! Okay, stay calm!”

“I am calm, Daisy. Will you call May’s mother? She asked to have her there, she might still make it. Her number is in May’s notebook in the nightstand, top drawer.”

Daisy nodded furiously and was quickly waking up. Just as he was about to leave, she held onto his arm.

“Hey, wait. Remember. You are everything to her,” she started, and he was uncertain what had sparked such a frank revelation. “I know you’re scared you’ll disappoint her, but you could never.”

With those words, he rushed back to his very pregnant girlfriend, trying to settle into the passenger seat to be more comfortable.

“I love you, Melinda.”   
Her radiant smile, despite the huffing and puffing, meant everything to him.

 

~...~

 

Giving birth to her baby, she definitely regretted getting pregnant. In fact, she regretted every single stupid decision she had made in her entire life, leading up to this point, where her body was on fire, all senses alert, feeling like her hips were being pulled apart, her insides being stirred.

She wished she could muster some of that strength she had hid behind all those years, could pull up her stoic walls, pretend like nothing was bothering her, but that seemed like an impossible task now. Her mother was there to help her through this hell, because May knew her mother had survived giving birth to her, so she could use her experience. And May loved Phil, but he wasn't helping at all. She couldn't blame him, though.

“Phillip J. Coulson!” she yelled, and she didn't even feel a little bit guilty that he looked so god damn scared. It was partly his fault that she was basically dying here.

“I'm so sorry, Mel-"

She yelled at the top of her lungs as another contraction approached, several insults escaping her, directed at everybody including herself, even English and Mandarin mixing together, until she was a blubbering mess and she would do anything to relieve the pain.

She could hear her mother’s voice in the back of her head, telling her not to be a whiny baby and man up, and as if to show her mother that she wasn't weak, she pulled through. Damnit, she wasn't weak! She could do this!

She felt Phil’s lips against her temple, and she pushed him away at first, he was not helping, but he didn't back off, pushed through her defenses.

“I'm staying with you,” he whispered, “no matter how much you push and shove, I'm staying right here. You can hold my hand, crush it, scream at me, I'll take it. I love you, and I'll take it.”

She took his robotic hand, but he exchanged it for his right.

“No. I'll hurt you,” she whimpered, and he squeezed her hand. 

“I'll gladly suffer.”

She honestly didn't deserve him. Despite the obvious fact that neither of them had ever experienced this before, nor ever would again, he knew what he was doing. (Sort of. She did suspect her mother was guiding him a little.) In between contractions, he would put some cold compresses against her face and neck, give her some ice chips, and she dared to look him in the eye once - she fell in love with him all over again.

No more.  _ No more! _ If she had to go through one more contraction, she would die. She wasn’t made for this, she wasn’t strong enough, how could she have ever thought that she could do this? How did so many women before her survive this? Was she really that weak? 

She nearly blacked out at one point, but it was Phil’s steady hands holding one of her legs that kept her conscious - or at least, that’s what she would later surmise. It was the only thing she could feel except for excruciating pain. 

Just as she was certain she would pass out, there was instant relief, and then, silence, except for the sound of her blood rushing and her heart hammering in her chest. She couldn’t focus on anything, too exhausted for visuals, could only feel how all hands that had been on her body before all pulled back, and she sank into the bed and closed her eyes. Slowly but surely, some of reality returned to her, and then she heard the doctors rushing and nothing else - no baby crying, no Phil, everybody who had been with her and around her gone, and that was when she panicked. She moved to get up but then a hand pushed her back down, she didn’t know whose hand, and she wanted to reach up and hold it, ask the person it belonged to where everybody was, if her baby was okay, but then the hand left.

“Phil!” It was honestly the only thing she could scream, the only word that could come past the panic in her throat, but while it had so often before brought him to her side, it remained painfully lonely. She saw her mother in her peripheral vision, for all the times May had regarded her as stone, she suddenly realized she was a lot like her mother - cold on the outside, but so feeling on the inside. Her mother was crying, and May had never seen her mother in such a state, ever. Liam May had invented the status of ‘ice queen’.

But then, just as her panic threatened to make her scream her lungs out just for an answer to this scary situation, she heard the shrill cries of a newborn, and before she knew it, something warm was placed on her chest. From the opposite side to her mother, Phil showed up, tears on his chin, a similar fear as hers in his clear blue eyes, but a smile on his lips nonetheless. He was good at that - smile, even though everything had turned to shit. He reached out and unbuttoned her hospital dress a little at the top, and when she looked down at her chest, she was met by a tiny baby -  _ her _ tiny baby. Cleaned up just a little, but it was  _ there _ . She had waited so long to meet this little wonder, and she had been so scared for this day, but with this little baby on her chest, crying so beautifully after those long minutes of silence - she understood what every mother meant. 

She would never be the same person. Ever again.

“It’s a boy,” Phil whispered, wiping her tears from her cheeks first before getting rid of his own. It seemed he couldn’t get anything else out at that moment.

She put a hand on her son’s back - a son. She had a son. She couldn’t believe that just the day before, she had been so reluctant for this entire process, was scared of what would be awaiting her, that she wouldn’t have a connection with her baby, that something bad would happen, but here they were. Her little boy. 

Her other hand rested in the back of Phil’s neck and pulled him down, and she linked their lips, and while she had thought they’d had perfect moments before, during her pregnancy, she couldn’t be more wrong.  _ This _ was perfection, right here, her newborn baby on her chest and the love of her life standing right beside her, never really having left her side.

“You’re amazing,” he whispered against her lips, one of his hands resting in the back of her neck much like she was doing to him. “Absolutely amazing.”

All she wanted to do now was wrap her baby up and take him and Phil home, sleep in their arms, sleep for weeks because she was having trouble keeping her eyes opened. 

She felt the bed dip slightly beside her and noticed that Phil had climbed in, not even asking, just doing, because they both knew she would have probably said no even though this is what they both wanted more than anything. Just feel each other close, feel that they were okay.

“I can’t believe he was in your belly a few minutes ago,” Phil whispered against the side of her face, and she could see his hand reaching out to rest on top of hers on their baby. “I can’t believe he’s finally here.”

She smiled and closed her eyes, content with his lips against her temple and her baby falling asleep on her chest. She didn’t even really blame herself when she fell asleep, too. She had many beautiful years ahead of her to get to know this little wonder - now was the time to gather some strength to be a good mother for him.

Just before she slipped into unconsciousness, she heard someone ask a question. No words registered, only Phil’s reply.

“Josh. Josh Xinji.” They had discussed baby names and Phil had insisted on a Chinese middle name, like her, to honor his heritage. She had just dismissed the idea but hearing him say the words now, knowing what their baby looked like - it just fit.

Beautiful little Josh. She welcomed him into her life with open arms.

 

~...~

 

Lian May had helped them with the first few hours, breastfeeding, diapers, washing, but she knew when she needed to step away. Phil had hovered in the corner of the room, looking at the two women, not knowing what to do with himself, when Lian ushered him to come closer. Lian brushed her daughter's hair out of her face, and then surprised them both when she smoothed down Phil’s hair, too. Not without giving him a look, and her heart constricted with the fear that her mother might have talked to him already while she wasn’t paying attention. She hoped he wasn’t scared - but then, he had known Lian for years, too, and knew what she was like.

“God bless you two.” She looked at her grandson and smiled, for one of the first times in May’s life, and she was glad she could give her mother a grandchild. “You three. You're a beautiful family.”

When Phil slipped beside her, flexing his hand, she almost chuckled. Almost, because while she wanted to focus all her attention on her son, her partner was obviously in pain.

“I hurt you.”

“It's probably sprained. Nothing to worry about,” he said casually, as though they had been discussing the weather, as though she hadn't just delivered their miracle baby and totally broke his good hand. He put his head against her shoulder, and she shifted her son in her arms so she could wrap her free arm around Phil.

“I'm sorry for putting you through this,” he whispered. His voice was shaking with tears, and she realized he looked almost more shaken than she did. 

“No. You don't apologize for that. You gave me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.” She was quiet for a while, looking at his face, then at his hand, then his face again, and added, quietly, “I'm sorry for yelling at you.”

He shook his head. She wasn't sure what he was countering with the movement of his head, because he was getting sleepy and he was often slow when he was tired. She couldn't possibly imagine him refuting that Josh was the best gift ever, but you never knew with Phil Coulson. 

“I love you,” she whispered. “Thank you for being here with me. With us.”

God knows she had been scared during her pregnancy that he would leave, he had all right to, she was a pain to live with and even worse to love. But he had shown her time and time again how much he loved her, how he was looking forward to meeting their baby, and only now did she realize that he was actually sincere. She had screamed at him and had literally pushed him away and he had still said ‘I love you’. He really was way out of her league.

Phil was getting sleepy, muttering incomprehensive nothings, and she guessed her screaming at him had tired him out, because as she was drawing soothing circles on his upper arm, he quieted soon, and she wasn't surprised to find him asleep after a few minutes. 

Now, he deserved some sleep. Meanwhile, she would admire her baby son, until her own exhaustion would surely knock her out again. 

 

~...~

 

Phil Coulson had to admit that he hadn’t met a lot of mothers of his girlfriends - with some, their relationship had been so short-lived that they hardly reached third base, and with others it had just seemed to be too important or not important enough. One girl had even told him that he was not exactly son-in-law material, and while he knew it was true, it still hurt to hear.

To think that he was now in a relationship with the daughter of Lian May, it was enough to make a lesser man run off in a blind panic.

To be fair, he had known Lian for the better part of three decades, after having been introduced to her on one of Melinda’s birthday parties in the earlier years of their friendship. Lian had eyed him suspiciously, as though to judge his intentions with Melinda, but she had to know that there was nothing going on between them.

Not yet, at least. She had called him sometimes on his birthday, especially after Melinda had separated from Andrew. It had seemed almost like a cruel joke of her mother, to rub it into his face that she would never be his mother-in-law, but in hindsight he knew she was looking out for her daughter, and she must have known from the start that there was more to them than they were letting on. He had been in love with Melinda for many years now, and you could always count on a mother to see right through his carefully built walls.

But just because she had known he felt something for Melinda didn’t mean she would give away her daughter just like that. Melinda might think that Lian was heartless, but Coulson knew she wasn’t always - especially when it came to Melinda May, her only child, she felt altogether too much. Perhaps it was the fact that he was still hiding away his feelings that made her despise him a little, and he honestly couldn’t blame her. He had known, even in those years, that he should have told Melinda about his feelings, should have asked her out. He had gotten plenty of chances to do so, but he had ignored all of them. 

It gave Lian May ample fuel to both hate and love him.

Melinda was asleep and he had spent the past hour by her side, sandwiched with his chair in between her bed and Josh’s little plastic crib. Occasionally, he would look over his shoulder to his son, but the little boy was just fine. 

“Coulson.”

He looked to his side to see Lian pull up a chair beside him. Perhaps she would expect him to give up his chair to her, respect for elders was very high on her list of good characteristics, but with all due respect, there was no way in hell he would give up his front row seat to admire his little family.

“Lian.”

“You were brave with the birth.”

He had focused on Melinda again, his finger lightly tracing the top of her hand. She was fine, exhausted but she would live, and having seen what the birth was doing to her, that almost seemed like a god damn miracle. 

“I had great help.”

He heard Lian huff beside him and he cracked a smile. 

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Phil Coulson.”

“Not trying to flatter you. Just stating the truth.”

“Hmm-mm.”

Josh let out a little cry, and Coulson’s instincts were on full alert, but when he looked at Josh, it was apparent it was just a dream. 

“What are your plans, Coulson?”

“Well, breakfast first, then-”

“No.” He saw her wave her hand from the corner of his eyes, and she sounded almost a little agitated. He looked over at her, not wanting to unleash more of her anger over them. Melinda would kill him - and he guessed he knew where she had gotten her temper from. “I mean, for the future.”

“Oh.” 

His heart had felt heavy once at the thought of that - he and Melinda had gotten together, she ended up pregnant and she had let him into her heart fully, but a lot of those moments had been clouded by the everlasting notion that he would die. He hadn’t even been certain if he would be around to see her belly grow, to suffer through her mood swings, or to experience this birth by her side. 

His hand rested on his chest, right where the scar was. The other lines had disappeared, the dark, ugly tracings on his arms, his chest, his neck, but that scar would never leave. He had always seen that scar as a reminder that he had died, but Melinda had kissed it one night, like she often did, and praised it to be a reminder that he was still  _ alive _ . He had died, nearly twice, but he was still here, he still got to experience life with Melinda May by his side, and he would forever be grateful for that.

“I, uh… haven’t really thought about it much yet.”

Her face turned into an almost comedic display for anger and evil, and he knew he was very bad with this supposedly evil mother-in-law thing.

“I love your daughter, Lian. So much. And I know I did her wrong by getting her pregnant, I know I did her wrong by not expressing my love for her sooner, but I love her so much. I have always looked out for her, made sure she was safe, and I won’t stop doing that, ever. And I’ll marry her one day and perhaps we could have some more kids, but… I’ll never forget to love her. Because every day she shows me exactly why I do.”

Lian’s anger diminished greatly but she didn’t say a word, still.

“I know you hate me because it took me almost three decades to tell her how I feel. And you have all right to hate me. But I promise you, I will take care of her.”

“Don’t promise me. Promise her.”

“I already have. Many times over.”

They were silent for a long time, and any other person would probably have felt uncomfortable under her intense stare - but he had about thirty years of experience with Melinda May, who had learned this exact move from her mother. Many great agents had broken down under her scrutiny, but not him. He might dare say he was immune. 

“I’ve never seen her happier.”

That startled him, and when he looked at her, she was still looking kind of angry. Guess he wouldn’t live his comment about having no plans down.

“And I strive to make her happy every single day.”

She seemed to take that into consideration. He was telling the absolute truth, and perhaps she could feel that. He already had his plans laid out for the perfect engagement ring (he knew a lot about Melinda, even some trivial facts, but her ring size had never come up in conversation) and he knew he couldn’t wait much longer to pop the question. He knew Melinda was waiting for him to do so, but she would never tell him.

“Buy a house first. Already have a car.”

“What?”

“It’s Chinese tradition. You need to have a house and a car first before you can propose.”

He liked that idea, were it not for the fact that they couldn’t buy a house yet. Aside from marrying her and meeting their child, it was definitely up there on his to-do list, but he wanted both of them to be safe (and legitimate) and rushing out of the shadows at the wrong time could possibly be very dangerous. He knew Melinda would protect him and Josh, too, so he would gladly return the favor. 

“We will.”

She looked him over a little more before getting up without a single word. 

He hoped he had properly convinced Lian May that he would always be there for Melinda. And he would be - she was everything to him, and without her, he would be long dead.

 

~...~

 

He still couldn’t believe the reality he found himself in right now - he was a father, he had a son. A beautiful, perfect little boy, who was the spitting image of his mother, Coulson could do nothing else than to just fall in love with this little wonder. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he was on cloud nine.

While they were still in the hospital, Melinda spent most of the time sleeping, only waking up when she needed to go to the bathroom or feed little Josh. He was perfectly happy taking control of things while she recovered. She had whispered in a particular moment that she might never want to take control ever again, was perfectly fine with how her life had turned out so far. He knew he would visit that topic again later, when the pregnancy hormones had finally faded away and she could walk properly again.

The birth had been incredible if not slightly traumatic, because while the actual birth was a miracle in itself, the minutes following it were possibly the worst moments of his life. Josh hadn’t been breathing, he had looked dark blue and in the time span of mere seconds, Coulson had gone from excited new father to full-blown panic attack at the sight of it all. The doctors had stayed calm, and that had been the only thing keeping him from blacking out. They had fought to get Josh’s lungs to work, and when the little boy had let out his first, if not strained, cry, Coulson had thanked all of the stars and planets and everything that was possibly out there that his little boy had survived. 

He hadn’t even gotten a chance to cut the umbilical cord. If he could believe Fitz, that was an amazing experience.

But nothing mattered anymore when the doctors had placed Josh in his arms, wrapped up in a blanket, and all Coulson had wanted to do was go to Melinda (who was panicking, too) and show off their little wonder. They had created this little baby, together, he had been conceived out of love and trust and hope, and with everything Coulson had established during his life - Josh was his masterwork.  _ Their _ masterwork. And he just knew that he would dedicate his entire life to him, and to Melinda as well. Josh wouldn’t be lacking for anything, ever.

Melinda was so incredibly exhausted all the time, even when they were cleared to go home, and she mumbled about her legs not working the way she wanted, and she had glared at him when he had come into the room with a wheelchair, but she didn’t put up a fight when he helped her into it. He grabbed the baby car seat, in which Josh was peacefully asleep, and put it on her lap, and she smiled and melted at the sight of their boy. 

Coulson couldn’t wait to take these two home - well, home was the wrong word for it. As long as ‘home’ wasn’t the cozy, rural family house of his fantasies, he couldn’t really call anything home. The SHIELD base was hardly a home, but unfortunately, it was where they were going.

_ Note to self: put a little more pressure on the whole ‘SHIELD coming out’ party. _

Yet when he carefully placed a sleeping Melinda May into ‘their’ bed, he realized the term ‘home’ was relative - as long as she was with him, as long as their son was close, he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, welcome to my fic, Josh! I love little Josh! I can't deny I wrote him as a perfect kid which is often something I do in my fanfics, but sue me, don't May and Coulson deserve some perfection, after everything they went through? Thanks for sticking by this fic so far, and from here on out, it will be mostly pure family fluff!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May and Coulson settle into a life as parents, they finally buy a house together, and Daisy can finally be the big sister she always wanted to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I hope you all calmed down from that previous chapter! From now on, like I mentioned before, things will be much fluffier and happier for these two (well, three). And Daisy will definitely try to show up more often. I just rewatched the last few episodes of Season 1 and it makes me so sad when she hands in her badge and is like 'I thought I was finally part of something', which is why Daisy being part of this little family felt so important to me.   
> Anyway, enough blabbering, please enjoy!

He was the best father she could have ever imagined for her child. Selfless, fun, stubborn in a good way, not giving up when things were hard.

She knew he would be a good father. Well, she had been scared at first, but she had seen him with Daisy, even in their first moments, and despite the fact that Daisy hadn't wanted to be there and Phil hadn't wanted to admit that he was, in a way, falling for the young girl, it had always been so clear to May. She knew his frantic need to be a father to her, even though both knew it would bring them nothing but despair, had caused Daisy to be with them, still, after all these years. Phil had let Daisy fall in love with  _ his _ SHIELD, not the one she was trying to eradicate, but the one he was trying to rebuild bit by bit, make the public trust them again, do some good.

She was well aware they were living on borrowed time. Every morning she could wake up next to him, she thanked her lucky stars that he was still breathing, and that she got to kiss him good morning. 

“He was quiet,” she whispered, tracing his lips with the tips of her fingers. 

“Nope. You just slept through it all,” he answered. 

He chuckled, probably remembering something funny she had done in her sleep, and then got up to do who knows what. He returned after a while, their three week old baby son in his arms, and she realized she hadn't even noticed that he was crying. Hmm. She had gotten good at shutting out whining over the years.

“Phil-"

“Don't even start. You deserve the sleep. I don't mind fussing over him. To be honest, I love it.” 

Neither of them had expected to ever be parents, so the transition had been hard at first. But in the end, caring for their baby came naturally. She still couldn't believe she was a mother, though.  _ She has a baby. _

“I think he's hungry,” he surmised, placing little Josh in her arms, and he was proven right when the little boy quieted down slightly and reached for her breasts.

“So am I,” she deadpanned, and it earned her a smile from both her boys, Phil for her joke, and Josh for hearing her voice.

“Alright, I'll go get you some breakfast. Any wishes?”

“Whatever.” She hardly paid any attention to her partner, settling Josh in her arms and admiring him, like she did every single day.

“Okay, I'll be quick.”

She smiled at Josh, and noticed the emotion herself. She had a long history of blank faces, she knew that, never wore her heart on her sleeve like Phil and Daisy, like everyone did. She hadn't seen the use in showing her emotions, would only get shit from that, so the fact that she was smiling daily could not possibly slip past anyone.

But this came naturally, like caring for him, smiling when she met him in the morning was not something she could fight, and he had definitely weakened her resolve, she could never go back to being the stoic woman she had fought to be.

But she didn't need to be that anymore. She had everything she needed right here - her beautiful baby boy, and the wacky nerd a few rooms away preparing breakfast for them. And she had all the time in the world with them, considering she and Phil had basically retired from the industry at some point, May hardly remembered when, it just sort of happened. Their daughter Daisy had taken over the directorship when she was ready. Daisy and her had fought to save him, and they had succeeded, so now her baby would grow up with both a mother and a father.

And she admired how beautiful Josh was, the wonderful job she and Phil had done in creating this wonder. She was in love with both of them.

Phil entered the room minutes later, and she caught herself completely stuck in her own little world, because she only noticed him when he sat down beside her and the bed dipped a little when his weight registered.

“I made scrambled eggs.”

“Ugh.”

He leaned in and kissed her lips, and she was only too happy to give in, for as much that was possible while still feeding Josh. “It'll have to do.”

They sat side by side, and it was a familiar routine to them, which felt odd to her because Josh was only a couple of weeks old, but she and Phil had known each other for decades so it wasn't a surprise that they were so comfortable with each other, and they worked so well together.

“I heard Fitzsimmons is looking for a daycare in the neighborhood.”

May frowned, and instinctively pushed Josh a little closer. Little Blair Fitzsimmons was only about four months older than Josh, so the idea of bringing such a tiny baby to a daycare scared May a little. She didn't want her son to be apart from her so soon.

“They say it's better for Blair’s social development.”

“She's a baby.”

“Exactly. Which is why when Fitz asked me if we were also interested in the idea, I said it was a definite no.”

She looked at him and smiled. He knew her so well. 

“I'm not opposed to the idea of daycare,” she started, “but they’re so young. Maybe in a few years…”

“Mel, you're smothering him.”

She looked down at Josh who was pushed against her chest without any space to breathe, and she startled, dropping him a little, which caused him to disconnect from her breast and let out a cry in disagreement. She put him back in place so fast she nearly dropped him but recovered before she could.

She looked at Phil.

“You're doing great,” he said with a smile, his eyes lighting up. “ _ We’re _ doing great. I think.”

She rolled her eyes and settled into his welcoming side, his arms open and wrapping around her as soon as she was close enough. At that moment, Josh finished, and Phil took him almost immediately, putting the little boy against his shoulder to let him burp. She smiled contently and made the mistake of closing her eyes while she rested her head against Phil’s shoulder, and she awoke a little later with her head on her pillow, seeing Phil change Josh’s diaper and getting Josh and himself dressed. Phil was smiling at their little boy, cooing, blowing raspberries into his stomach, prompting happy chuckles from Josh.

She had never expected to ever have this picture, it was almost perfect, too perfect - the man of her dreams by her side and their baby in their arms.

 

~...~

 

She had once liked to live at the Base, liked the permanent buzz around her, the gym she spent most of her time in when they weren't on missions. But now, here, with Josh, she dreaded every day at this place, not because of the little boy but because the Base was not a place for children. 

Phil and her hadn't been able to buy a house during her pregnancy due to the fact they were still mostly living in secret. As long as SHIELD wasn't out of the shadows, neither were they. Nobody even knew they were still alive except for their closest friends, so to jump out of the shadows this suddenly wouldn't necessarily turn out okay.

Registering the birth of Josh had been such a pain in the ass, Daisy had had to hack several government systems just so they could temporarily exist so they could get a birth certificate. Daisy had claimed it was no big deal, but as the Director of SHIELD, they all knew it wasn’t something she was supposed to be doing any more.

“Grab your coat,” Phil said as he entered their room with his coat and scarf already tightly around his body. She frowned - had he gained weight? It wasn't possible to get this big overnight. 

“Where are we going?”

“We cannot keep living like this. We deserve a house. So, we're meeting up with a real estate agent today.”

“We're what?”

“Grab your coat, Melinda. We haven't got all morning.” He sounded firm but she knew he meant well. 

“Where's Josh?”

As if on cue, Phil’s chest started squirming and she realized the reason for his sudden weight gain. She stood and approached him and saw their baby boy huddled underneath his father's coat, blissfully asleep.

“You're so cute,” May said, not knowing really which one of her boys she was addressing now, but it didn't matter, it applied to both of them. “I love you.”

Phil smiled and kissed her lips. “Let's go find a house.”

Most of the houses were insufficient, she didn't feel at home at all and there were no backyards for Josh to play in, which was the biggest downside of all. 

“So what about this one?” Phil asked, his hand holding onto hers tenderly. PDA’s, man. She had hated them before she had gotten together with Phil, really didn't like somebody touching her without permission, but she loved Phil touching her, holding her hand, brushing her hair out of her face, kissing her. 

She hadn't really lived in a real house for a while. After her breakup with Andrew, they had sold the house, and she had settled for a crappy apartment in the downtown, knowing she wouldn't be there often anyway what with her missions and all. Then SHIELD had fallen and she had spent all days after that at the Base, well, first the Playground, then the Lighthouse, and now their brand new Base, funded mostly by Phil’s good friend/nemesis Tony Stark. Bottom line: she wasn't used to living in a house anymore, with a front- and backyard, a regular front door, multiple floors, spacious living room, kitchen, even a breakfast nook. This house wasn't too big, and honestly she wouldn't want that any other way.

“I… I kinda like it.”

He squeezed her hand and she looked up at him. This was the man she was always supposed to grow old with, and they had come damn close to losing each other forever, but here she was. His hand was firm around hers, their infant son still asleep against his chest in the tight sling, and they were buying a house.

“I love it,” he stated, and sure enough, his eyes were sparkling with the prospect of this house being theirs soon enough. She had made up her mind - this was it. This was the house she would grow old in, with the love of her life by her side and her son growing up, to become whatever or whoever he wanted to be. 

“It even has a guest room so Daisy could stay over if she wants. And it's far away from the master bedroom, so she doesn't have to, you know, listen in on anything...”

Now that was probably the one line that closed the deal. 

 

~...~

 

May spent almost all of her time with little Josh, because she had all the time in the world due to her early retirement. It added the pleasant fact that she could also babysit Blair, whom she loved as well, so it was really a good life she was living.

Blair was with her parents that day, who had gone out on one of their little family trips, and it had left May alone with her little boy. He was growing up so quickly, she could still remember when he had clung to her right after he was born, so tiny, but he had outgrown most of his clothes already now, and it terrified her a little to realize that eventually, she would have to part with him when he would move out of the nest. Phil had laughed at her admitting that, but he had sobered up when he saw how seriously frightened she was by the prospect - he reminded her of the fact that not only would it take years and years for Josh to hit adulthood, even if he did, he could still stay with them. He made her remember Daisy, who by all intents and purposes was an adult, but still fluttered around the makeshift nest May and Phil had created for her. It had calmed down May enough for her to function.

May had left Josh with Daisy for the afternoon while she went grocery shopping, and it should have terrified her to leave her son behind, but she knew big sister Daisy would take care of her baby brother to the best of her abilities. She would never let anything happen to her brother, nor to her baby niece.

May returned carrying some bags, and put them on the kitchen counter, putting the perishable foods in the fridge, before setting out in search of Daisy. She found the girl on the couch, a throw thrown over herself, and she was watching TV, some silly reality show she would often watch with Phil. She would have some explaining to do when he got back, he wouldn't like it that she had continued their show without him.

Daisy looked up when she heard May enter the room, and smiled.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

The blanket moved a little, and May frowned. Daisy looked down at her arms and lowered the throw, and May was met by little Josh, obviously just stirring a little in his sleep. She got a lump in her throat looking at the image of Daisy holding her baby brother, because he was that, her brother, even though no papers had ever confirmed that Daisy was May’s daughter, biology meant nothing to them - May was Daisy’s mother. She had been reluctant to use the title at first, but then Daisy had admitted to considering May ‘Mom’, and it hadn't really left. 

Also, May just loved the sight of the tough Director of SHIELD, cuddled up on the couch with her baby brother, watching reality shows and eating ice cream.

“How is he?”

“He's just sleeping. He's been very good.”

“Didn't expect anything else.”

Daisy smiled and nodded, brushing Josh’s head, and May moved to relief the girl of the baby, but Daisy protested.

“No, he's fine.”

“I can take him, Daisy. It's okay. I don't want to burden you more than necessary.”

“I finished all my work for today. I'll keep him until he wakes up.”

May wanted to convince the girl that really, it was okay if she wanted to let go of Josh, if she had other things to do, but it became clear to her that Daisy really didn't mind watching him for a little longer.

“You're such a good big sister,” May whispered, she hadn't meant to say it out loud, was sometimes still afraid Daisy wouldn't like the responsibility being a big sibling would bring with it, but Daisy smiled at May’s words, and it made her smile, too.

“And you're a very good mom.”

Maybe she was. Her kids certainly did well so far in life, and while that might not reflect her abilities as a parent, it certainly meant something to her kids that she would always be there to support them.

May, in a flare of affection, kissed Daisy’s cheek, and it hadn't really meant a lot to May, not really, but judging by the smile on Daisy’s face, it meant a lot to her.

“Alright. I'll just potter around a little. You know where to find me if you need me.”

Daisy nodded. On her way out of the living area, May heard Daisy whisper to little Josh.

“You're very lucky to have May as your mama. Mama May.” She made herself laugh, and it brought a smile to May’s face. “Even though I have a feeling she'll be a Coulson soon enough. She'll always be May to me.”

Her sweet daughter. No matter what happened, May would always try to make Daisy as happy as possible - just as she knew, Daisy would always return that favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will follow up on Daisy's "accidental" seed planting, and fit with the theme of this chapter a little which is that Coulson finally gets to do all the things he wanted to do now that SHIELD is coming closer to getting out of the shadows. Stay tuned!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Coulson proposes and he tries to find closure with someone from his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter has one of my favorite parts of the entire story in it. Idk, it's just a couple of words, but I really like it, hehe. Oh well.

May always knew when Phil wanted to discuss something serious with her. He would sit her down, offer her some tea, and she would feel her inner Lian May surfacing herself. Like mother, like daughter. 

“Out with it.”

He seemed to startle at her bluntness, and she had to admit, after having had Josh, she hadn't been this blunt. Sometimes, her old self resurfaced.

“I love you.”

“I know,” she drawled, wondering why he would say it this seriously. In the past, she had often thought that the words ‘I love you’ would lose meaning the more you said them. But since getting together with Phil, ever since getting pregnant, the words just spilled from her lips regularly, even in possibly the worst moments ever. Well, he had told her in the middle of a fight before they had retired, and she had nearly broken her wrist in shock when she had tripped over her own feet. 

“Well?”

“I'm scared of doing this,” he started, his hands visibly shaking, “because I don't want to force you into anything you don't want. I've done enough of that. But… over the past year… ever since we decided that we were done waiting, I've been so… happy. Like, incredibly happy. Like, I don't want anything less than this to be the rest of my life. And, I know you don't have a particularly good track record with this, so if you don't want this, I'll accept that, wholeheartedly. But… I would like… to marry you.”

“Marry me?”

“Only if you want it, of course. But… I love you so much. And I know that I will never meet someone like you again. I don't have to. You're the mother of my child… I will always love you for that. You gave me the greatest treasure in the world. And I love  _ you _ . So much.”

He looked at her for a while but then his eyes were cast down, to his fumbling hands, still shaking a little. 

She was overcome with love. She didn't know what to say. He was vulnerable in this moment, like he so often was when he expressed his love for her, and it showed her how much he actually loved her, trusting her so explicitly with his feelings. 

Perhaps she had always known she would be with Phil Coulson for a long time, in whatever way possible. She truly didn't believe in such a thing as soulmates, but he came pretty close.

They had already discussed this when she had been pregnant, but it had seemed quite far away. Now, this moment was finally here. 

“Phil?”

“You don't have to answer yet. If you don't want to.”

“Why wouldn't I want to?”

“I don't know.”

They were quiet then, both no doubt thinking about what was keeping them both busy. He had admitted once that his thoughts were rarely  _ not _ about her. It made her feel special to think that he thought of her so often.

She touched his hand gently, just her fingertips against his skin. He looked at her.

“Will you marry me, Melinda?”

“Absolutely.”

The biggest smile possible spread on his lips and she knew she had made the right choice. Not that she had much of a choice - she wanted him to stay close to her, stay in her life, and this was the firmest, best way to do it. 

She would love to be Mrs. Coulson. She never thought they would ever get there.

Not even two weeks later, they were standing in a near empty courthouse, their friends present as their witnesses, little Josh safely in his big sister's arms, playing with her hair. May's parents and Phil’s mother were also there, though all three of them objected to the size of their wedding. May thought of her wedding with Andrew, five times as big as this, the big dress, centerpieces, gift register. She hadn't liked it but Andrew wanted it, badly, and so she had done that for him. He had looked so happy and that had been the most important thing for her.

But she was a different woman now, not so keen on big, romantic gestures, so she knew she would hate a big wedding again. And anyway, all Phil really wanted to do was to make their love official, put a ring on her finger, change her last name, maybe. Didn't need a big dress for that.

They had had dinner after the ceremony, one big table with all her friends and family, and she wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Even if her mother had scolded her time and time again.

When Phil and May lay in bed that night, they felt different but also the same, it was still them, but now they were married.

“Do you feel any different?” he asked her, one arm tightly around her and his fingertips of his free hand tracing figures on her naked belly. She still had some baby fat there, would probably never fully get rid of it, but she wasn't ashamed of it anymore, was proud to showcase the proof that she had carried her baby son in her belly.

“After what?”

“Getting married.”

“It's still the same you,” she replied. “You haven't changed. Neither have I.”

He nodded, perhaps agreeing with her. She knew she was right, though. He hadn't changed a bit, not in appearances nor in personality. He might have matured, just enough to function, but he was still the adorable nerd she had fallen in love with at some point in her life.

“When did you know you loved me?” he asked, out of the blue.

“I, uh… I think I've loved you for so long I don't even remember when I started.” But there was one moment that stood out, between all the sweet moments they had had, all the meaningful teasing and sincere hugs, that had made her realize that he might mean more to her than she had thought at first. 

“When I separated from Andrew… everybody was angry, didn't understand why I had done it. Except you. You, as my best friend, knew what I was feeling. Nobody supported me because I pushed them all away. I tried to push you away, too, but you wouldn't let me.”

He nodded. He had always been strong like that, knowing that they had to stick together and being willing to try anything to succeed in that. God knows she had pushed him away but he always came back.

“I knew you loved me then, had known for a while,” she continued. “Why else would you fight for me like that, when you knew I was with Andrew? When you knew I was basically killing myself.”

He nodded again. “I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I… I always wanted to be near you, even if we were just friends. And when you married Andrew, my heart broke. I knew you weren't mine to claim, but I was afraid I had lost you forever. He was a good guy, I know that, and he had made you happy at some point. But…”

“For a psychiatrist, he was very bad at reading me,” she finished his sentence. Phil smiled guiltily and she put her hand on his cheek. “Don't feel sorry for thinking that. You're right. Andrew felt the same way.”

Phil nodded and sighed.

“I'm sorry you felt so bad when I got married.”

“No. You were in love with Andrew. I had no right to stop you from being with him.” He shrugged. “I was expecting to be able to move on.”

“Couldn't. Me neither.”

“We're a weird bunch, aren't we?”

“Who are you calling weird?” she teased, pushing his arm away from her, and he put his face in the crook of her neck. 

“Melinda May, I love you.”

“Coulson.”

“Yes?”

She chuckled and shook her head. “It's Coulson now.”

He looked up at her, and the biggest smile ever appeared on his lips, and she kissed him, deeply, her best friend, her husband, the father of her child, her life. He was her life. It was as simple as that. He was all she needed in life, because he was the single most important person in it. And Josh, too, of course, but she still saw the little boy as an extension of Phil.

“I still can't believe you're my wife,” he admitted. “Talk about a life-long dream coming true.”

She chuckled and nuzzled her nose against his. Damn. He made her cuddly, cheesy, almost romantic. Her mother would say he had made an honest woman out of her, whatever that meant.

“Mrs. Coulson.”

“Mr. Coulson.”

They kissed a little, hands pulling closer.

“I used to blame feeling like this on being pregnant, but now I know it's just you.”

“I'll give you a complaint form later.”

She laughed and his arms were all around her, and unsurprisingly to them, they didn't get a whole lot of sleep.

 

~...~

 

Melinda had sent him off with a smile and a kiss and it had amazed him so, that she could be this supportive and trusting. She had worried once that he would cheat, and perhaps he had worried as well that she would meet someone who was better than him, but they were married now, they had a kid together, and they trusted each other explicitly, wholeheartedly.

She knew he had to do this, and she knew he had to do this alone. He had to finish this chapter for full closure, and she trusted him to return to her afterwards. He wouldn't waste that trust.

“Name, Sir?”

“Phillip Coulson.”

The man, impeccably dressed, started searching on the sheets of paper, but he wouldn't find his name on there.

“I, uh, wasn't exactly invited.”

“Then I can't let you in.”

Coulson nodded. “I understand. Uh, before I go, could you tell Miss Nathan that I'm here?”

The man stared at him, looking down at him with his impressive height, but Coulson was faltered by this display of, well, arrogance.

“Whatever.”

The man called it in, and soon another security officer joined them.

“Mr. Coulson, if you would follow me.”

They walked through seemingly endless hallways, and Coulson was well aware he wouldn't know the way back without assistance, and he briefly wondered whether this was really her. It didn't seem like her.

But everything faded when he was ushered into a room and he saw her there, in all her glory, sitting in front of a vanity doing her make-up, and he froze. Damn. He had really loved her once, and it all returned to him in that moment, their shared memories, their kisses, their dinners together. 

“I told you, I want to be alo-”

She turned around then, and their eyes met almost instinctively, like it hadn't been years since they'd last spoken. 

“Phil?”

“Hey.” He nearly punched himself in the face right then - ‘hey’? This woman had considered him dead since the battle of New York, they had had plans to move in together but he had died and he hadn't really attempted to show her that he was still alive. (He had realized in hindsight that most of that decision was unconscious, because it wouldn't have hurt her to find out he was still alive, and he could have easily gotten back into that relationship. But since dying, he had realized Melinda May meant a whole lot more to him than he had thought at first, and somehow it had influenced his chances with this woman right here.)

“I'm sorry, I'm an asshole.”

She was silent for a long time, but she spoke eventually. “I guess I always had a feeling you weren't really dead.”

“Well, technically, I did die, but-" He had to shut up. He really was an asshole and he wasn't making this any easier. “How, uh, how are you doing?”

“Seriously, Phil? You show up at my wedding after being dead for years and  _ that _ is what you're leading with?”

“I'm sorry. I really am. I should have told you that I was still alive, but… but look at you now. You're so much better off.”

“You shouldn't have made that decision for me.”

She was not the first person to get angry about an issue much like this, reminded of Melinda asking him, no,  _ telling _ him he couldn’t make the decision to go and die without running it by his loved ones first. And Audrey would probably not be the last. He had trouble learning his lessons.

“You're right. But I was only trying to protect you.”

“From what? From those aliens in New York? Because I was here, Phil. I was here, and… I didn't even get to say goodbye. And now you show up here as though nothing happened.”

She stared at him a little longer before focusing on her make-up again. He let her register everything, and realized that once again he had pulled an asshole move on her, showing up on what should be the best day in her life, it certainly had been for him marrying Melinda, but he was ruining everything.

“I'm sorry, I, uh… shouldn't have come.”

He made a move to leave but her words stopped him at the last moment.

“No. Stay.”

He sat down on one of the luxurious chaises, looking at her while she continued what she had been doing before.

“I've missed you, you know?”

“I kno-"

“Don't say anything. Just listen.” She was very good in shutting him up, and it was then he realized that she was not the same woman he had been with all those years ago. Or maybe it was just with him, the idiot who had wasted such a good woman in fear of ruining everything once more.

“I've missed you so much. I spent weeks, months, trying to overcome the empty feeling I had after burying you. I thought I would never get over it, until I met Walter, and I… I felt myself letting go of you. I was so scared of doubt that, I kept having hope that you would come back one day and that we could be together again, but… I realized that that wasn't going to happen. And Walter, he was there to catch me when I fell, and I… I love him so much for that. I never thought I could be happy again, but he showed me how.”

She looked at him again, tears in her eyes. He wished he could take her pain away. She got up, walked over to him and sat down in the chaise beside his, grabbing his hand. 

“Do you love her?” she asked him, out of nowhere, and he struggled to understand her meaning, but then she twirled his wedding ring.

“Yes. With all my heart." The image of Melinda flashed before his eyes, of her breastfeeding their baby boy, of her preparing tea in just his shirt, and he knew it to be true - he loved Melinda May with all his heart.

“Then I guess we were never meant to be,” Audrey concluded, her voice sad but her eyes showing her hope. She loved her fiance, whom she would get to marry today, and he loved his wife.

“Do you really believe that?”

She nodded. “I loved you once. I thought that we could have been happy together. But the universe has strange ways of showing us what's right for us.”

He guessed she was right. 

“So why are you here?” she asked him, letting go of his hand.

“I wanted to see if it was true. That you're happy.”

“I am.” Her eyes really proved her words.

“That was all that really mattered to me,” he explained. “That you're happy. I'm sorry for treating you the way I have. I should have gotten into contact with you sooner. But I wanted to give you enough time and space to find a way to be happy again, without me. I think we could have been happy, but you deserve better.”

“What about her?” Audrey asked, pointing to his ring. “Does she deserve better?”

“Of course,” he agreed. He was not an easy man to be with, he was not handsome or young or extremely talented. “But she loves me, and I seem to make her happy. That’s all that really matters.”

“You’re a good person, Phil Coulson,” she whispered.

“I thought you would hate me for lying to you.”

“Hate you? No, Phil. I’m angry, sure, but I can’t hate you. I love you. I never stopped loving you. And…” She chuckled, but it sounded a little bitter. “Some people sometimes claim that I can’t love you anymore, because you were dead and we weren’t together anymore. We never did break up, you know? But… I do still love you. And I know I love Walter more now, but loving you has kept me upright all these years. And the idea that if you hadn’t died, maybe we would still have been together.”

He nodded, even though he wasn’t sure if that was really the truth. May had always been in the back of his head, with any relationship that he had entered, but he couldn’t deny that Audrey had meant a lot to him, too.

“Is it Melinda?”

“What?”

“Who you’re married to. Is it Melinda?”

He had forgotten that the women had met each other, if only briefly, in passing. Melinda had never really brought it up because she knew how painful the topic of Audrey Nathan was, and she was thoughtful even though she didn’t think of herself like that. She would never intentionally hurt him.

“It is.”

“I always thought that there was more between the two of you than you were letting on. Glad to know I was right.”

Audrey smiled, sincere, resting her hand on his again and showing her those beaming eyes that he had once found himself drowning in. 

“I’m happy for you, Phil. I’m glad you showed up today. It, uh, gave me even more reason to marry Walter.”

“I’m glad you’re happy, too,” he stated. 

“Do you want to stay for the ceremony? I’m sure they can pull up another chair. Or we can just push someone from the press off one.”

They both laughed and his heart warmed, maybe out of love, but mostly just because he finally had closure to this chapter. He was certain they wouldn’t meet again after today, perhaps it hurt too much still for the both of them, but the knowledge that she was doing well and that she was happy gave him a sense of peace. He hadn’t broken her, thankfully, and she was doing so well.

Later that night, long after the party had ended, Coulson carefully walked back into the bedroom, quickly stripping of his suit before lifting the covers. He gratefully slipped into Melinda’s arms, and it wasn’t long until he felt her lips against his, her arms wrapping tightly around him.

“How was it?” she asked him after they pulled away. She brushed his cheeks.

“It was… nice. Big. Uh…” He hesitated in talking about Audrey, understanding what it might do to Melinda, but then realized that it had been her in the first place who had mostly pushed him to attend her wedding, because she knew him better than anyone else and she knew it would do him well. “She’s happy. I’m so happy that she’s happy.”

“You’re so good,” Melinda whispered, her smile spreading until it almost reached her ears. 

“And she’s happy that we’re happy. Thank you so much for insisting I go.”

She shook her head. “Don’t mention it, Phil. I will always look out for you, and I just knew this would do you well. I love you.”

_ “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Alan!” _ The smile on Audrey’s face had so been worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I sincerely hope people are still reading this. If you're alive, give me a sign, will you? (Preferably in the form of a comment...)  
> Also, my favorite part was the 'it's Coulson now' bit. I can't begin to imagine that with how much they love each other, it must feel great to finally be able to express it openly and for people to know that they belong together.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Josh tries his first word, and May and Coulson get an unpleasant shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning is fluffy, the rest is Angsty, tbh. I’m sorry but I felt like they needed just a little bit more Angst, to make the entire thing more real, I guess.  
> Trigger alert: miscarriage. Be warned!

Josh was so extremely cuddly and it was the most adorable thing in the world. Especially with Melinda, Josh could cuddle and kiss and just babble to her all day long, and Coulson knew it was mostly because she spent most of her time with him, but he also knew that Josh genuinely loved her, and she him. Coulson loved to look at these two, with their arms wrapped tightly around each other, and even though Josh couldn’t say anything intelligent yet, he was attempting to say some words. 

“Can you say ‘Dada’?” Melinda asked, her voice probably two octaves higher than her usual speaking voice. She had picked up that habit of high voices when speaking to her baby, and Coulson knew she was trying to stop it. Nobody could blame her with such an adorable baby to coo for. (The Cavalry was well and truly gone, the woman who could overpower three guys before breakfast and still have time for her tai chi - now, her priorities lay elsewhere, and it really did her well. She was happy.)

“Why aren’t you teaching him to say Mama?” Coulson asked her, reaching for his coffee and taking a sip.

It took a while for her to respond, still trying to get little Josh to speak for her, although he knew it wouldn’t work like this. Then, she looked up at him.

“Because when he wakes up in the middle of the night, I would prefer to have him call you.” Her voice was teasing and her eyes were sparkling at him, and he couldn’t keep his laughter in. She was so adorable. She would definitely kill him for thinking that.

“Fair enough.”

They continued what they were doing, Melinda cuddling with Josh and Coulson admiring his gorgeous family, when Josh changed his cuddling tactics into kissing ones. They weren’t really kisses, more like open-mouthed slams against Melinda’s cheeks, but they drew out smiles from Melinda that Coulson just loved to see.

“Hey, Josh?”

Both looked at him, a rivulet of drool running down both their chins, and Coulson smiled at the sight. The mighty Melinda May, a legend within SHIELD, now covered in her son’s drool and probably completely loving it. 

“That’s  _ my _ wife,” Coulson said, trying to make his voice a little threatening but it didn’t really work, he was still only teasing. “You can’t kiss my wife.”

Josh chuckled as though he understood the words, and out of spite kissed Melinda again, his tiny hands holding onto her hair. She chuckled, kissing Josh’s cheeks when he wasn’t trying to kiss her. 

“Hey! You find your own wife!”

Josh laughed even harder and kissed her again, and again, until Coulson shuffled closer to Melinda until their sides were touching, and he leaned in to kiss her lips. Surprisingly, Josh had a lot of strength, and so Coulson wasn’t really surprised when the boy pushed them apart. He even raised a finger, something both of them had done often, not just to try and discipline Josh (even though they knew he was too young to be disciplined) but also Daisy in her teenager moods. Josh was really just a mini version of Melinda and Coulson loved it.

“No. My wife.” He kissed Melinda again, and once again Josh pushed them apart. This could be a real problem, but Coulson knew Josh was still young enough for this behavior not to last. Anyway, no matter how much Josh loved to spend time with his Mommy, it was Coulson who got to sleep beside her and- was he seriously worrying a one year old would whisk his wife away? He almost made himself laugh.

“No Dada!”

All teasing seized on Melinda’s side, and her head reared up towards Coulson, a smile not necessarily on her lips but in her eyes, sparkling. 

“Did he just say Dada?”

Josh had no idea what had just happened and continued trying to draw out kisses from Melinda.

“No. He said ‘no Dada’.” Which was distinctively different and somehow fit them way better. Coulson needed to be kept in check from time to time, and it wouldn’t hurt to have his son help with that, too.

It really hadn’t escaped his notice that Dada was basically Josh’s first word, and it made Coulson more emotional than was absolutely necessary. His son’s first word was…  _ him _ . Even though he spent about a fourth of the time with the boy that Melinda did, Dada was still his first word. He realized in hindsight that it probably had a lot to do with Melinda talking about him when he was at work, and possibly the letter ‘D’ was easier to make than the letter ‘M’, but it still made his heart warm.

“Like that makes a difference,” Melinda rebutted and laughed, wrapping her arms around their boy and peppering his face with kisses. Josh seemed only too happy to receive her love, the one thing he had been drawing out all afternoon. “Oh baby, I love you so much.”

Josh had his head rested against her shoulder now, a bright smile on his lips (which Coulson understood completely, feeling that himself when he was in her arms), and eventually he reached out his arm towards him.

“Dada?”

Josh was a master manipulator at age one, he had his parents under his spell, but Coulson was probably the last one to object. He sped into his wife and son’s arms in record time.

 

~...~

 

It wasn’t rare for Phil Coulson to wake up in the middle of the night - even before Josh was born, he could wake once or twice just to check if everything was still okay, if Melinda was comfortable. After Josh was born, Coulson often took the time to carefully disentangle himself from his sleeping wife and check up on Josh, and more often than not, the little boy would already be awake to ask for whatever it was that he needed. (Well, if only it was that simple. A lot of the time Coulson had to guess what it was Josh needed, he still wasn't used to most of his cries.)

One night, however, when Coulson woke up, he found the bed beside him empty, and while it could have been just an innocent occurrence, he realized quickly that she usually slept throughout the night, even if Josh would disturb it. He saw a strip of light coming from beneath the bedroom door, indicating that she was in their adjacent bathroom, and somehow, he already had a very bad feeling about this. 

He opened the door with a heavy dose of reluctance, but he still wanted to see if she was okay, because he was her husband and that’s what he had promised her when they had vowed to care for each other. 

“Melinda?”

He found her against the wall, her legs pulled up against her chest and her head resting on her knees. It was obvious that she had cried, her eyes red and the tear tracks still fresh on her cheeks. He wondered how long she had been sitting here like that.

He sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her. “Are you okay?”

She didn’t respond at all, not even looking up or in any other way confirming that she had seen him. Crying he was used to by now, although she might hit him if he ever voiced it out loud - her pregnancy had been rough on her, her hormones raging inside of her, so if she would break down and cry it wasn’t a very odd thing for them anymore. But this was just… a total lack of response altogether. If he didn’t know any better, he would have said she was in shock.

“Phil…”

“What is wrong, Melinda? Talk to me, please.”

“Phil, I think I… I think I was pregnant.”

“What do you mean?”

“I…” She fell silent again and his heart was hammering in his chest, his brain working overtime trying to figure out what it was that she meant, but everything went numb when he saw her hand reach up, the hand that had been hid out of view from him, to reveal a familiar white stick. Her hand was shaking, and as his heart was threatening to burst out of his chest at the realization what the test might mean to them, he suddenly remembered her words.

_ Was _ pregnant. She thought she  _ was _ pregnant.

He looked at the test a little better to find the result positive, but her face didn’t radiate anything positive.

“I woke up and… it felt like I had the worst period I’ve ever had, but… it was different. It just felt different.”

She looked up at him, finally, and the old tears were joined by new ones, and he felt his entire soul just reaching out to her, wanting to comfort her, hold her, even if he had no idea what the entire situation was, but he just wanted to be there for her. 

“I think I was pregnant and I miscarried.”

She cried in his arms while he held the test, looking at it from over her shoulder.

It was positive.  _ It was positive _ . She was pregnant, she had been pregnant, a tiny baby had started to grow in her belly again, but before they had even found out that that was happening, it had been torn away from them. 

The next day, her doctor had confirmed that she had been eight weeks pregnant, but then for whatever reason the baby had stopped growing, and the pain she had woken up with that night had been just the start of the miscarriage. The doctor warned it could take up to two weeks for the entire thing to be over, but looking at Melinda, Coulson knew she wouldn’t be able to take that pain.

She had walked out of the examination room without a single word, and Coulson could tell that she just needed a few moments to herself, so he let her go, but not without telling her he loved her.

“It’s a tough situation,” the doctor agreed, reaching into her desk drawer for some leaflets. “If you feel like your wife might need some support, you can always contact these birth centres, they are also specialized in miscarriage aftercare.”

They were both silent as the woman handed the flyers to Coulson, and he looked at the top one - it still wasn’t fully registering, the idea that a life had been given and taken from them so quickly, it was beyond his understanding.

He had thought when they had found out that she was pregnant with Josh that the universe would finally give them something good to work with, that they would finally have that happily ever after that they had always wanted, and while he knew they still had a happy life… it was tough to believe that in that moment.

“Mr. Coulson, if  _ you _ need support, you are also always welcome.”

He nodded and looked at the woman again. It seemed that she felt sympathy for them, but they didn’t need her sympathy - what they needed was for this pregnancy to have lasted, so they could have had another baby, another beautiful, joyful, perfect little baby.

“Can she still get pregnant?” Coulson asked the doctor out of nowhere, not knowing what had instigated it, but somehow he knew he had to know the answer.

“Well, I haven’t tested for that. Do you want me to?”

He thought back to Melinda’s face just moments before she had left the room - utter sorrow. That was what made her life so difficult at times, not the fact that she hardly felt anything, like so many people accused her of - but the fact that she felt too much, that she was a beautiful human being inside and out, who loved with every fiber in her body. That was probably why she hurt so much now.

He didn’t want to put her through more pain, wanted to shield her from it all, but he knew he couldn’t keep her in a cocoon, and he knew she wouldn’t want him to, either. But perhaps, finding out whether she could still get pregnant could do her wonders.

 

~...~

 

It did  _ not _ do her wonders.

Instead of finding out she still had very healthy eggs in her ovaries, they found out she was actually technically infertile. It just proved that the pregnancy that had come and gone was in fact a miracle.  _ Josh was a miracle.  _

It was not the result that Coulson had anticipated, and it hurt his heart so much that he had been the cause for her renewed sadness. If he had just left it alone, perhaps they could have lived with the idea that she might still get pregnant, even if it would never happen.

Now, they knew she  _ definitely _ wouldn’t get pregnant anymore.

She spent a long time in their bed underneath the covers, and Coulson tried his best to support her through it, but it was difficult to make her eat or drink something when she kept pushing him away. She wasn’t angry at him, he knew that, she just wanted to be alone. But being alone in this state of mind was not good for her, and he also knew that.

“Melinda?” he tried again, for the umpteenth time that day, sitting on the edge of the bed and fighting the urge to put his hand on her, to let her know that he was there and to maybe feel some confirmation for himself that she was also still here. “You have to drink something, Melinda.”

He saw she shook her head, and he sighed, putting the tray with her breakfast on the nightstand and just sitting like that, for what felt like an eternity. Then, deciding that enough was enough and that she could no longer shut him out, he lay down beside her on top of the covers and lay face to face, the tips of their noses touching.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and it was sincere, but he hoped she knew what he was apologizing for. He had put them through more hurt after her miscarriage by confirming that they could never have a baby again, but she had to know that it wasn’t his intention to do so. 

They were silent for a while, just looking at each other, and he noticed that her eyes weren’t red, like they had been so often before - that had to be a good sign, right? That she wasn’t crying anymore?

“What are you sorry for?”

“Having us tested.”

She shook her head. 

“That was the sensible thing to do. We both know that.” His hand reached up to brush her cheek and he felt a flare of happiness in his heart when she didn’t push him away. Instead, she put a hand on his chest, and before he knew it, they were kissing again, the first time in days, since finding out she had miscarried. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her flush against him, never breaking away from her lips until he felt her sob against his, and he pulled away just barely to look at her.

“I can’t believe we could have had another baby,” she whispered, some of her words delayed as she cried. “I can’t believe I was pregnant.”

They were silent again and she closed her eyes. He brushed her cheeks every once in a while to wipe away her tears. 

“Do we try again?” she asked suddenly. Her eyes opened again and they looked at each other, before another tear spilled from the corner of one of her eyes, and he brushed it off. 

“We will never conceive again,” he whispered, feeling his heart break at his own words, but he felt like he needed to be realistic, otherwise their grief for their unborn baby might be replaced with an unhealthy fantasy that they might one day have another baby. They would never have another baby.

“I know, but… it doesn’t hurt to try?”

A smile cracked through her grief-stricken face, and his heart blossomed at the sight, his beautiful wife once again smiling at him after they had, hopefully, successfully overcome this painful time. 

“I think our family is perfect the way it is,” he whispered, kissing her briefly and pushing her onto her back, earning him an even brighter smile, “but you’re right, it doesn’t hurt to try.”

He was suddenly glad for bringing Josh to Fitzsimmons, so he could focus all of his energy on Melinda.

He had no illusions - they both knew that they could never have a child again, but after the grief for their lost child had faded, and Fitzsimmons had returned Josh into their arms again, he realized that really, he was right - their family was perfect the way it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, mostly fluff again for a while. Sorry to put you through this!  
> Also, please don’t shy away from letting me know what you thought, I’m seriously doubting people are still reading this...


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which baby Josh confirms that he's May's weakness, May and Coulson lay down some rules for Daisy, and Josh has a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! More family fluff coming right up!

May tried not to give Josh too much junk food, wanting to stick to a healthy, nutritious diet, but when it came to feeding time, she had found her biggest weakness - his big brown eyes in full-on puppy mode with a pout accompanied would give him anything he ever asked for.

So when she and Phil had ordered pizza one Friday night, for no special occasion except to celebrate the fact that Phil had the entire next week off due to the school vacations, Josh put all his experience into good use to get some good stuff from his mother. He was barely one, but he was so incredibly smart.

“Look at him,” May muttered when she lifted her slice of pizza to her lips. Phil chuckled beside her, his arm wrapping around her shoulder. “He’s guilt-tripping me.”

“He knows it’s working.”

She looked up at him, glared, and it only made him chuckle more. She put her slice down and pushed his fruit bowl closer to Josh. He just glared at her, and it sort of looked like she was looking in the mirror. 

“I would be offended, too.”

Now, May just had to smile. He was probably right, but Josh was way too young to be eating any of their food, even though he’d been eating solids for a few weeks. She knew his digestive system was way different than theirs, and anyway, he had a lot of years left to stuff his face with sweets and junk food.

“I don’t think a taste would hurt, would it?” May questioned, looking at her slice, and seeing how Josh was looking at it, too, probably expecting to get a bite now. She looked at Phil, and he just shrugged. 

“Before you know it, he’ll be demanding caviar and steak,” Phil teased.   
“Pizza is hardly caviar.” She took her slice and pulled off a small bit, removing the meat on it, knowing that that was too soon. She was left with just a hint of cheese and handed it to Josh, who smiled at her with that cheeky smile knowing he had successfully tricked his mother. When he put it in his mouth, May wished she could have filmed his reaction - he was hesitant at first, not sure what the texture of the food was, before no doubt the cheese taste combined with the tomato sauce hit his taste buds and he smiled and clapped his tiny hands.

“Love at first bite,” Phil stated, and she felt his lips against the side of her head, his arm around her shoulders pulling her closer. “In case we were doubting he’s ours.”

She chuckled now, and gave in - she cut her last slice of pizza into baby-sized bites, leaving out the crust because that was probably too tough for him, still, and slid the plate over to Josh, who smiled at her, almost showing his appreciation. He lifted his hands towards her, as though to thank her, then dove into his pizza plate and munched happily. 

She just sighed and pulled his fruit bowl towards herself and finishing it - there would be another time to teach him nutritious eating. Well, that was what she told herself to make herself feel less bad about giving in to the demands of a one-year-old. His smile, however, completely covered by tomato sauce, made it all worthwhile.

 

~...~

 

Daisy Johnson stayed with them often, not because she had nowhere to go, not because she needed to be looked after, but simply because the three of them wanted to explore a bit more of this new take on their friendship, which was quickly turning into an actual parent/daughter bond. She had never had anyone to go to for help, had never had anyone to talk to who would actually listen to her and take her feelings into consideration. May honestly wasn’t really surprised that Daisy prefered to stay with them.

May liked having Daisy around. When they had only just known each other, May would have done anything within her powers to have the young woman removed from their team, knowing that there was probably way more to her than the eye would show at first, but knowing that it would take intense training for that to come out. Considering Daisy hadn’t been willing to train at all, would much rather stick with her hacking, May had found her, well, not useless, but dangerous, especially to herself. Daisy Johnson reminded May of Jemma Simmons and Leopold Fitz, who were honestly good kids and really wicked talented, but couldn’t protect themselves and therefore had needed someone like Ward or May herself to keep them alive. And anyway, even if Daisy had asked May for help, she probably wouldn’t have given it to her, simply because she had been in a completely wrong mindset back then. Both of them. 

“Hey,” Daisy said, a little too cheerily, walking into the kitchen a little too late for May’s liking, wearing her ‘big sister’ PJ’s Phil had bought for her a few weeks after Josh had been born. Daisy reached for the coffee maker immediately and then grabbed a handful of cereal straight out of the bag, only to pop it into her mouth in one go, causing some bits to fall to the floor. Daisy plopped down opposite May, smiling at Josh who was just receiving his own breakfast.

“Are you kidding me?” May stated. Daisy frowned.

“What?”

“You’ve only been in the kitchen for one minute and it’s already a mess.”

Daisy chuckled at that comment, but May wasn’t amused, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms. The look she saw on Daisy’s face was that of pure fear, for May hadn’t really acted this way since she had gotten pregnant with Josh. Perhaps Daisy had expected May to be easy on her, but the woman had to know that there were rules in this house.

“Wow, sorry, don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”   
“Like you’re gonna kill me.”

“I just might.”

“Jeez, sorry. I’ll clean it up.” Staying true to her words, Daisy picked up the cereal she had dropped so carelessly, then sat back down at the table. “Why are you being such a mom?”

“Because I  _ am _ a mom.”

Daisy thought about that for a moment, then just shrugged and nodded. “Fair enough.”   
“Listen, Daisy, I love that you’re staying with us, but I do want you to know that there are some rules in our house to guarantee everyone’s safety.” She looked at Josh, who was playing with the plastic spoon May had given him when his food was gone. She was talking mainly about Josh, and she knew Daisy would understand that. He was fully crawling now, and so it was very dangerous for anything small to be on the floor, for risk of choking. 

“I understand.”

“That means no littering.”

“No littering, got it-”

“No sneaking into the house past midnight.”   
“What-”

“And no taking flings home with you.”

After those words, they were both silent. The only sounds that could be heard was Josh playing with his spoon and the shower upstairs running, indicating Phil was taking a shower. May knew she was being an unreasonable mother now, but just last week she had entered her own kitchen only to be met by some stranger who was raiding her kitchen cabinets. Never mind that - she didn’t like the idea of some random man sleeping in the same house as Josh, whom she would protect with her life. Daisy of all people should understand that, right? She would also protect her family, whatever the costs.

“Is this about Steven?”

“Whatever his name was.”

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t pre-notify his arrival. We were having a good time and I just thought it would be okay to bring him home.”

“Well, it wasn’t.”

Daisy nodded, solemn all of a sudden, looking down at her lap. Josh broke the silence, sort of, by throwing his spoon towards Daisy, obviously trying to get a laugh out of her, but the boy couldn’t know the severity of the conversation they were having. 

“I know you didn’t mean to, and I’m not angry. I just… want you to know that I would prefer… not to have strange people over. And while we’re supervising, it’s totally fine, so please do feel free to bring someone home to introduce to us. But… just not at night. Not when I can’t see who we’re dealing with.”

Phil entered the room, completely unaware of what the situation was like that he had walked into - and how could he know? He had been upstairs while all of this had taken place, so May couldn’t blame him when he greeted them happily, kissing May on the lips and ruffling both Josh and Daisy’s hair.

“Dada!” Josh squealed, raising his hands, no doubt trying to get some more attention from him, too. Phil smiled and kissed the boy’s cheek, but then continued with his morning routine. 

“Why is there cereal on the floor?”

May and Daisy exchanged a look, Daisy begging her without words not to give Phil a reason to scold her, too. Not that he was very good with discipline - he was the kind of parent who gave in when their child started crying while being reprimanded. Good thing May was mostly taking control of raising Josh.

“Oh, I accidentally dropped some,” May explained, getting up to clear her and Josh’s plates. Daisy followed her to grab her coffee, but eventually they sat back down again, both appreciative of the little family time they got with the four of them.

“Can I know what you two were talking about before I entered the room?”

“Oh, just May being a mom.”

Phil frowned but that seemed to be enough explanation for him, as he dove into his own bowl of cereal and they were silent again - well, except for Josh, who was trying every trick in the book to get his mother to pick him up, and well, she would always give in to those kinds of pleas. She was careful not to stimulate his tantrums, but she could tell by now when he was just being cuddly, and when he was begging for attention that could turn sour real quick. 

She picked up Josh from his high chair and leaned him against her chest, and his tiny arms wrapped around her neck while he laid his head on her shoulder. She felt a wave of love wash over her, like it always did when he was being this adorable, and she wondered how in the hell she had ever thought she wouldn’t be fit to be a mother.

Well, he was mostly just an easy kid. He would sometimes wake up during the night but he was easily calmed down again, and he fussed just enough for May not to worry about him being too quiet. This little boy was exactly what she had been missing all these years without even knowing it.

“I was laying down some rules,” May started, rubbing circles on Josh’s back and feeling him smile against her skin. 

Phil nodded in agreement - they had talked about it before, but he had often claimed that Daisy didn’t need rules, considering she was an adult. May didn’t really agree with that statement though - if Daisy was going to stay at their place as their (adopted) daughter, then they had all right to install some rules. But he knew what had happened the previous week and he had also agreed that that was something they had to correct, or else there might be a random stranger in their house every other weekend.

“I understand the fling part, though,” Daisy countered, taking a long sip of her coffee. May looked at it with a slight tinge of disgust, even though her own husband also drank coffee on a regular basis - she couldn’t understand why anyone would like such a bitter drink when they could have a sweet tea instead. “And the littering. What I don’t understand is why I have to be home before midnight.”

“Because it upsets Josh.”   
“Or it upsets you,” Daisy snapped. May didn’t really appreciate these teen-like tendencies of always talking back - especially considering Daisy was a full-grown woman and the Director of a well-established spy organization. 

“These days, it’s the same thing. He wakes up, Daisy, and he might be at an age where he self-soothes himself back to sleep, but I do have to deal with a tired baby the next morning because he had a fright.”

“I also live in this house, though.”

“Yes, but only in the weekends. I’m not asking you to not crash at our place anymore. I love to have you over. I just… want to be able to trust you with our safety. I know you can do better.”

“You’re right, I… I’m sorry. I should have been more considerate.”

May looked at Daisy, found she was being sincere, then got up with Josh still in her arms and hugged the woman, a little awkwardly maybe because of the cuddly baby in between them, but it did May well to show Daisy that she still meant a lot to them, even if they sometimes had to discipline her.

May left the room to get on with the day, putting Josh in his little play cot before going upstairs to change into her clothes. When she returned to the kitchen, just before she entered, she watched Phil and Daisy have one of their peculiar conversations, including some singing, grins on their faces, and she smiled herself.

She had a good connection with Daisy, as mother and daughter, but Phil and Daisy had a special bond - there were no words which could explain what these two meant to each other, and May wouldn’t dare try to get in between them. And maybe Josh was a mama’s boy, always preferring to cuddle up with her - well, in her turn, Daisy had a bigger preference for Phil Coulson. May couldn’t even blame her.

 

~...~

 

In his toddler years, Josh had a lot of nightmares plaguing him. Sometimes May worried she had passed her own nightmares onto him, but she knew that was impossible.

It wasn't rare for May to wake up from a nightmare at four in the morning, neither was it rare to then find out she was in the safe, comfortable arms of Phil Coulson. She didn't need the protection, but she loved it when he insisted on holding her, to protect her, shield her, but from what they did not know.

With previous relationships, she had never wanted to cuddle up at night, if at all, because she didn’t like the feeling of someone holding her down and preventing her from leaving. But like everything else in her life, everything was different with Phil Coulson - she knew she wouldn’t leave him, especially not after a good evening of mind-blowing lovemaking (if the stubborn little toddler allowed for it), and to then feel his arms wrap around her tightly, to ground her, support her, love her so intimately… she had never felt that way with anybody else before. She wouldn’t leave him for anything. And things had only gotten better for them, in whatever way imaginable - she had been impatient with him before, afraid that she would lose him if she didn’t (quickly) make the most of it. But now that she knew that he would live, and that he was with her as her husband, she could really appreciate it when he took his sweet time. She was always left satisfied and smiling at the end of it.

She would often get up after a while and roam their family home a little, only to end up in her son’s bedroom, and as if by destiny, he awoke too, drowning in sweat and tears, and he was desperately reaching around him to find her, his father,  _ anyone _ . He reminded her so much of herself, and so it only came naturally to slip into the bed next to him and cuddle him close, soothing him. 

He had it worse than her. He was just a kid, so she knew that any and all negative emotions would be amplified by his childish innocence, his inability to form words correctly and voice his fears. He could only reach out to them for help, support.

“Daddy,” he whimpered, and for a second she wondered whether she wasn't enough for him, but he only cuddled closer, and eventually she realized he wanted his father close, too. She picked him up, walked the few steps to the master bedroom, and climbed into bed with her two year old son still in her arms. 

It woke Phil, who was not necessarily a light sleeper, but who would always notice when she got into bed. She always wondered why.

He was sleepy for a few seconds, blinking rapidly to wake up, and then his eyes landed on May and Josh, and before she could explain anything, their baby was in between them, the duvet all the way up to his nose.

“Bad dreams, buddy?”

Josh nodded and settled into his father’s side. Phil brushed the boy’s dark brown hair out of his face, before kissing his nose and then, pretending to just bury his face in Josh’s hair, looked at May.

“The bad dreams can be scary, I know, but we'll get through them.” May knew Phil wasn't only talking to their son - he knew she was still having nightmares, the same ones she'd been having ever since Bahrain, and Andrew’s death, but they had been together long enough for him to know how to handle her after her bad dreams. “After all, you've got me and Supermom to protect you.”

Josh chuckled and nodded, and as May’s boys settled in to fall back asleep, she watched them for way longer than was strictly necessary. She couldn't help herself.

Her magical boys. Never thought she would have them, but she was barely surprised anymore to spend every day with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I realized I don't focus enough on what Josh looks like, because it honestly never really crossed my mind that he could look anything other than what I had envisioned. So, in my head, he's basically a direct copy of May, his hair dark brown like Coulson's, and he definitely looks Asian. But, do feel free to picture him differently, if you want that! (Don't let my imagination stop yours.) But it does make more sense in future chapters if you imagine him Asian... just fyi.  
> Thanks for your support!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Coulson has a hard time leaving for work, May convinces him once again that she's happy, and Daisy fed Josh Twinkies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you'll enjoy!

Coulson always hated to wake up early in the morning and having to leave the comfortable warmth of his wife in bed. She would often protest against the sound of his alarm, but she was usually asleep again within a minute or so. The sight of his wife asleep often made him second guess whether he actually needed to show up to work that day, but he knew they needed the money.

He was all showered, fed and ready to leave when he heard Melinda come down the stairs.

“Wait one second, Phil.”

When she rounded the corner, he saw their son in her arms, fighting against the sleep but with tears in his eyes. Coulson’s heart broke, like it did so often when he saw either of these two cry, and he instantly stepped towards them to see if he could help with the tears.

“He wanted to see you before you left.”

He nodded and took Josh into his arms, hugging him tightly first before talking to him. He saw from the corner of his eye that Melinda was smiling at the sight first, before preparing her tea.

“Why do you leave?” Josh asked, his voice so small. Coulson knew the boy had only just woken up but he really only spoke like that when he was feeling exceptionally emotional.

“I have to earn money, buddy. So we can pay for our matching Captain America shirts.”

Josh smiled briefly, wiping at his nose, then focusing mainly on Coulson’s collarbones, still sniffing a little. 

“Don’t want you to leave, Daddy.”

“I know, buddy. I don’t want to leave either. But I’ll be back later today, like always.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. Pinky swear.” For emphasis, he used his free hand to hook his pinky finger in Josh’s, and it seemed that this was enough reassurance for Josh that his Daddy did still love him and his mother, and that he would come back. After all, they had pinky promised - that was a promise you couldn’t break, ever.

“Okay. You be a good fart machine, Daddy.”

Coulson chuckled and hugged his son closer to his chest. He loved this boy so much, and even though it physically hurt every single day to part with him and Melinda, he knew he had to do it for them. The fact that Melinda got to spend most of her days with Josh was all because Coulson still worked quite a lot of hours.

He had hesitated at first to let Melinda stop working altogether, even though he knew he could never really control her like that. But the last thing he wanted to do was force her into traditional and old-fashioned patterns, the mother staying at home with the kids while the father went out to earn money. Yet even during her pregnancy, she had admitted she never really wanted to get back to work, ever, that she was really looking forward to sleeping in (although that wasn’t what she was doing now, but she was well-rested and it showed in her entire being), and after Josh was born, she had voiced those wishes even louder. She loved being a stay-at-home mom, even though it was never what either of them had envisioned. She loved to live for her child, her little miracle,  _ their _ miracle.

“You be a good fart machine today.”

“Fart machine!”

“Yep, that’s me.” He heard Melinda giggling from wherever she was in the kitchen. “Guilty as charged.”

Josh was reassured now and he kissed his father’s cheek before motioning for him to put him down. He ran to Melinda who gladly lifted him up into her arms, and she smiled at him, before looking at Coulson. She stepped close and kissed his lips briefly, and it amused Coulson that it still caused Josh to be a little jealous.

“I love you,” she whispered, her hand in the back of his neck briefly, as though she was also fighting with herself not to beg him to stay. If she did, he knew he would - he could never refuse her anything.

“I love you too.” He brushed Josh’s cheek one last time, although the boy had moved on to more important matters at hand (breakfast). “You be good to Mommy.”

Might as well have been talking to a wall but it was okay, maybe it was better like this. He grabbed his coat and briefcase before leaving through the back door, his heart heavy already, knowing he had yet another day without these two amazing people. He honestly couldn’t wait to retire, even though that could be years from now. The prospect of one day being able to spend it completely with his wife and child was what got him through the day.

He heard the front door open and he saw Josh running out, no additional clothes to what he had been wearing before, just his Captain America shirt and his diaper, running after him. Thankfully, it was a nice summer morning so it wasn't too cold. 

It almost seemed like Josh had started crying again.

“Daddyyyyyy!”

“What’s up, Josh?”

“I loooooove youuuu!”

Dammit. They weren’t making it easy for him to leave. He kissed the top of Josh’s head and brushed his hair down.

“I love you too, buddy.”

“I love you.”

“I love you. Now go back inside before Mommy will come get you.”

Josh shuffled back towards the front door, proclaiming his love for his mother, for him, and he could hear the little boy say he couldn’t wait for him to be back again.

Sitting in the driver’s seat, he had to take in a few deep breaths. With all his time spent as a workaholic, he never could have imagined that he wouldn’t want to get to work one day.

 

~...~

 

It was kind of a tradition to stay later on Friday’s just to have a little something to drink and get to know each other well. Even long before Coulson had started working at Westerburg, this tradition had been tried and tested and every generation participated, every position, from the janitor to the director joined in. Coulson had too, in the beginning, not wanting to stick out immediately, even though he had already wanted to go home as soon as possible. But then Josh was born and well, every opportunity that he could spend with his son and his wife, he would take with both hands. And so it was that every single Friday night, his coworkers tried to convince him to stay longer. He doubted that they knew his reasoning, even after four years, because he was quite a private person, mainly to protect his family. He didn't want them to be in danger anymore.

“Coulson, why do you always leave so early?” the Spanish teacher (Ms. Meitzen he believed her name was) asked him, offering him a shot. He shook his hand and moved to get out of the teacher's lounge. “Don't be a spoilsport.”

He just smiled politely. Just before he left, he turned around, however. Doing the complete opposite of what he had been doing for years now, but somehow he felt that maybe if they knew why he kept leaving, they wouldn't proposition him again.

“I, uh, have a wife waiting for me at home. And a four year old kid. I'm so lucky to have them… and I want to spend every minute I can with them.”

“Damn Coulson, why didn't you say so? Go on man, go be with your family!”

He received a few pats on the back and he wondered why he hadn't told them earlier. In any case, he was dismissed and already speeding home - carefully of course, because Melinda would kill him if he died in his haste to get to them.

The front door opened before he was even out of the car, and he was greeted by his son, exclaiming in his joy to see him again.

“Daddyyyyyy!”

“Hey buddy!” Coulson smiled as he picked up Josh, greeted even more with kisses and cuddles. “I told you I would come back.”

“I missed you Daddy.”

“I missed you too, Josh.”

He met his wife in kitchen, not even a little perturbed by the fact that her toddler child had just run out of the door - she possibly knew that he would be there to greet Josh, and she trusted him explicitly.

Guilt pulled at his heartstrings again at the sight of her cooking - he really had never meant for her to be a typical housewife, and no matter how often she told him she didn't mind, she must have some regrets to end up in this position.

“You're thinking too loudly,” Melinda interrupted his thoughts. She kissed his lips, brushed his hair down. He would never get used to the way she looked at him, like he was the most precious thing she knew, like she would give anything just to protect him, keep him safe.

“Do you ever regret becoming a housewife? Because if yes, I promise I'll find a solution. I don't ever want you to feel unhappy or anything, I know you could have done way more than just cook and clean but-"

“Phil, stop.” She turned the stove down and focused completely on him. She motioned for him to put Josh in his chair, equipped with a booster seat, and then she talked. “You know I don't regret a single thing we are now. You think I would have allowed you to push me into a role I didn't want to take on? You know me better than that, Phil. I love waking up every single to see you and Josh close to me. I don't want to stash Josh away in some cold daycare, and I know you wanted to keep working. And I… the only reason I still had that job was because of you. I would have left ages ago if you hadn't been there. So it was the best decision… I can give Josh love, a warm home, someone to be with him no matter what… and you can provide for us, you can chase a career that you always wanted. I think that we both got what we wanted in the end.”

He gathered her in his arms and kissed her deeply.

“You're so much more than just cleaning and cooking.”

“And I  _ do  _ do more,” she smiled, brushing a finger over his lips. “But I love this civilian life. Believe it or not, it really calms me down.”

And that was visible in everything she did; her shoulders were relaxed, and she smiled so often now, her eyes lighting up whenever she did. He had been afraid that she would hate this situation, that she hated not being active in a job, but everyday she showed him how happy she was.

“How was your day?” he asked her, wrapping his arms a little tighter around her. She looked at Josh, and the boy chuckled at her, as though he knew what she was thinking, and Coulson knew Josh had probably been a little naughty. He knew Melinda would survive, she had dealt with far greater struggles than a four year old. Hydra leaders, inhuman rogues - surely she could handle a toddler on her own. He had faith in that.

Then again, he probably shouldn’t underestimate  _ this _ four year old.

“That one right there gives too much trouble,” she answered him, but Coulson knew it was teasing. These two went together like PB&J. No force could drive them apart. Josh chuckled.

“Josh, buddy, I asked you to be nice to Mommy.”

“I didn't want to take a nap, Daddy.”

“But it's very important that you listen to Mommy.”

Josh pouted. Coulson usually took Melinda’s side in an argument, mostly because he was used to it, but also because mostly she was right.

Later that night, to make up for the time spent apart, not helping her with Josh, he drew a hot bath for Melinda and promised her she didn’t have to worry about a thing. He cuddled up with Josh on the couch to watch the boy’s favorite cartoon.

He knew he had work to do - a weekend for a teacher was never empty, and he had a lot of classes to prepare for, but right now, he would much rather spend time with his family. 

In any case, he was already known as the teacher who cut his students too much slack, just because they did the same to him. He was very good in improvising. 

 

~...~

 

Josh was the funniest little guy May had ever had the pleasure of knowing, and she realized that while in appearances, he was a spitting image of her, in personality he had gotten all the things she loved so much in Phil. His stubbornness, loyalty, sense of humor even though it was at a completely different level than Phil’s.

She was left alone with Josh a lot, Phil working some more shifts at the school because they were still struggling to make ends meet, and while Phil had often apologized when he was leaving that he was once again parting with her, she really didn’t mind spending some time with her son. Not that she wasn’t spending most of her time with him already, but that was besides the point.

Josh and Daisy had gone to the playground together, just for an hour or so. In Daisy’s lunch break, she had begged May to spend some time with her brother, because the responsibilities being the Director brought her were wearing her down and he was about the only thing that was keeping her from losing her sanity. May had handed her Josh without any hesitation, mainly because the little boy was already so excited to spend some time with his big sister and May trusted Daisy with her life - Josh’s life, even, and that was saying something.

When they returned, however, she could tell Daisy had gotten some sweets into Josh, because the boy was bouncing up and down and into May’s arms when they entered the house.

“Mommy! Mommy! How come I’ve never had Twinkies?”

May looked at Daisy over the boy’s head that was thrashing from side to side. She knew big sisters were supposed to spoil their baby siblings, but May would have preferred if Daisy had stuck to fruit instead. She could leave now and spend the rest of the day in her office - May had to deal with a four-year-old kid whose energy level was quickly getting out of control.

“Because too much sugar makes you hyperactive,” May explained, meaning to wrap her arms around Josh, but he jumped out of her hold and started to sprint around the room. 

“I’m not hypoactive, Mommy!”

May left her son to run off the sugar and instead walked to her daughter, who was already stealthily walking away. 

“Daisy?”

“I only gave him one. He saw some kids having them and he wanted to try them.”

“So you go and spend the afternoon with him now.” 

Daisy pressed her lips into a firm line, knowing exactly what she had done and probably not even regretting it in the slightest. 

“I have work to do.”

“Nice.”

Daisy hesitated before she said something again. “You do know that sweets don’t necessarily make him so active, right? It’s mainly the excitement of playing with me.”

“No, I know. But put all these things together, and, well…” They both looked at Josh who was bouncing off the walls.

May hugged Daisy anyway, even though she was a little peeved at the young woman nonetheless, but she knew the sugar and excitement would wear off eventually and he would crash onto the nearest surface, preferably in her arms.

“Sorry,” Daisy mumbled, before rushing off and jumping into her car, before May would change her mind and kill her after all. May sighed and turned back into the living room, seeing how Josh was jumping on the couch.

“There’s so much I haven’t tried, Mommy!”

“With good reason.”

“I want to eat Twinkies aaaaaaaaall day!”

May just smiled at her son’s enthusiasm. He could be exhausting, but he was still her little baby and she loved to be with him, even through his temper tantrums and sleepless nights. That was part of the package, and she loved every part of him.

She knew Daisy must have given him more than one Twinkie, because he couldn’t be like this after just one tasty snack.

He jumped into her arms about an hour later, after having ran up and down the stairs about ten thousand times, and he was talking about all the fun things they could do together, just the two of them, but she could tell his sugar rush was fading away and his eyelids were getting heavy.

“I love Twinkies, Mommy.”

She brushed a strand of hair out of his face. “I know, baby.”

“I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you too, little Joshy.”

He fell asleep within minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit, that 'fart machine' bit, totally inspired by this video on YouTube, if you simply type in 'Fart Machine' you'll find it. I always imagined Josh to be this cute so I couldn't stop myself from putting it in. Hope you liked it!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Coulson family has to suffer through a long car ride, Josh finds out that Jemma is pregnant again, and May gets unfortunate news about her mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in the beginning I didn't really focus on Daisy as a big sister, or even a part of their family, but I realized eventually that she always wanted to be part of a family, and May and Coulson love her like she's their own daughter, so I thought, why not? So the past few chapters have involved more of Daisy and from here on out, she will be showing up regularly. I hope you like that!

They were far from a normal family. Perhaps with just Phil, Daisy and herself, May could imagine that people might think that they are a normal family, but she knew people had trouble putting Josh somewhere in that picture. He didn’t look like Daisy, so he couldn’t really be her son, even though that was the go-to assumption from most people. It didn’t matter - May loved her little family, her handsome, caring husband; her sometimes moody but always kind daughter; and her son who was growing up so fast, she wished he would just stop, wished he could always stay that little adorable boy who would plant open-mouthed kisses on her cheek and cling to her shirt before his afternoon nap.

Josh and Daisy were currently sitting in the back of the car, not always interacting but it was obvious to May that Daisy was looking out for the little boy. It was a long drive after all, and big sister Daisy would always make sure her baby brother was alright.

“Mommy?” Josh asked all of a sudden.

“Yes, baby?”

“Can I be a superhero when I grow up?”

“You want to be a superhero when you grow up?”

“Yes. Just like you and Daddy and Daisy and- and-  _ everybody _ !”

He did have an amazing family, May knew, to regard everybody he knew as a superhero, and they kind of were. Everybody had their own superpowers, even though Daisy and Elena were the only ones with ‘real’ powers. May doubted Josh even knew of the fact that they were Inhumans, mainly because both women would protect both Josh and his niece Blair with everything they had. It wouldn’t do them well to know about Quake, or Yo-Yo, especially considering both were still very much a superhero without the powers.

“You can be anything you want to be,” Daisy butted in. Josh groaned.

“Ugh! You’re annoying me!”

Daisy merely chuckled at her brother. “I’m  _ annoying _ you? I’m on your side, J-dog.”

“I want to be a superhero like Mommy!” The little boy paused and May looked at him through the extra rear-view mirror she had installed for the passenger’s seat occupant. It was mainly aimed at Josh’s car seat, because on the somewhat longer drives, she preferred to have an eye on him. Wouldn’t be the first time he had attempted to open the door while driving, and luckily they had quickly found the child lock on this new family car. (Phil had been peeved to drive such a brand new car, much preferring the older ones, but as soon as they had pulled out of the driveway on their first trip, he couldn’t stop gloating about it, propping up the hood every week at least to see if everything was still running smoothly. She loved to see him get dirty while working the car… inappropriate thoughts.)

She looked over at Phil who was concentrating on driving, but she could tell by the way the corners of his mouth lifted up that he was enjoying this playful banter, too.

“Mommy has healing powers, you know?” Josh threw in as argument, and May heard Daisy chuckle a little.

“Does not.”

“Does too! She can heal all my owies with just a kiss.”

“That’s cute. You know they have cream for that, too, right?”

“Daisy!” Josh crossed his arms in frustration, but just before May thought it would get out of hand, she saw Daisy reach out a hand to brush Josh’s hair, and that always managed to calm him down. She was a big sister after all, and they were known to tease. 

“You can be a superhero when you grow up, Josh,” May answered his earlier question. A little white lie to boost his morale had never hurt anyone, right? “So, what would your superpower be?”

“Hmmmmm.” It took him a while to answer that question, and for a moment May wondered whether he had actually forgotten about it, but then she knew her son and she knew he would never forget anything like this, ever. It had caused some odd situations before, where he answered a question she had asked him the day before and she couldn’t even remember having asked that question. “I waaaant… to be  _ really _ strong, like Daddy!”

May looked at Phil again and his smile was so bright now, it just simply brought out her own smile. 

“I thought you wanted to be like Mom.”

“Yeah well Mommy is also  _ really _ strong, but Daddy could probably lift me  _ and _ Mommy  _ at the same time _ .”

“Huh.” May could see Daisy’s amused response - sure, he was strong, and May had seen that proven time and time again during their acquaintance, but to say he could lift both of them, at his age? It was probably an exaggeration. 

“I really want to be a superhero Mommy.”

“I know, baby. Maybe you won't get superpowers but you can definitely save people's lives.”

“But I want to be super strong.” His pout nearly made her give in, even though she knew she couldn't. 

“Mommy and Daddy saved each other's lives without needing superpowers. And Daisy…” Too soon for Josh to find out, May realized. Maybe he would never find out. “Well, she's good with computers.”

“Hey! I'm right here! I saved you guys too!”

Josh chuckled at Daisy’s expense, and eventually it made all of them chuckle. 

“We saved each other, Josh. We still do. We are superheroes in our own ways.”

“Still want superpowers.”

“You're a stubborn little one,” Daisy muttered, and it started yet another sibling banter, and May just leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes, satisfied.

Her odd little family, so perfect.

 

~...~

 

The thing that May had dreaded for a while happened anyway - Jemma got pregnant again. May knew it sounded weird to admit, she was happy for Fitzsimmons, but it once again reminded her that Josh was her first and last chance at ever having a baby.

Since the miscarriage, she had definitely thought differently about pregnancy - the pain of losing her baby, even though she didn't even know that she was pregnant, had been so intense that she had nearly lost herself as a result. It had only been Phil’s kind words and strong words that had pulled her through - that, and Josh’s cute giggles and his warm cuddles, making her realize that she couldn't lose one child as the result of losing another. So she had to be strong, for Josh’s sake. But she really wouldn’t have minded another baby, even if it was born quickly after Josh, even when it would have meant giving birth again. 

But the worst part wasn't even finding out Jemma was expecting, the worst part was finding out that Josh had found out that Jemma was expecting. May's heart broke because all the boy ever wanted was a baby sibling, and that was the one thing she couldn't give him. And her heart broke because of the painful memories from years ago, threatening to make her cry again.

He sat down on the couch beside her once, and she could just tell that he meant business.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, baby?”

“Why can't I have a baby brother?”

Oh dear lord. How could she explain this without tearing up?

“Oh, I, uh…”

He was four. There was no good way to explain this.

“Are you ever going to have a baby in your belly?”

May realized that it was best to just tell him the truth - with a bit of sugar coating here and there. He was smart enough to understand.

“No, I'm not. And it's not because I don't want to, because god, do I want to. But sometimes… these things just aren't meant to be. And I believe that… we are given what we can handle. What we deserve. So maybe another baby would be too much to handle, for me, for us… but now at least I get to spoil you senseless.”

She emphasized those words by wrapping an arm around him and pulling him close, the other reaching out to tickle his belly. It was also a distraction, which she knew. 

It seemed to have worked, because when they parted and he remained in her arms, they stayed silent. That was, until Josh put his head against her belly and sighed.

“It's just unfair. It's unfair, Mommy, right?”

“Maybe it is. But life is unfair. And to me… you were a miracle. Miracles don't tend to happen twice.”

Even though they possibly had, three times that she could definitely count - falling in love with Phil, having Josh, and the little baby that she'd carried for eight weeks. Even though she hadn't carried that baby full term, she still regarded the fact that she had carried them as a wonder.

He smiled, likely not understanding the full meaning of her words, but it was okay.

“You'll still get to spend a lot of time with Blair and the new baby. She is still your friend.”

Josh nodded. “I just wanted to be a good big brother like Daisy is a good big sister.”

“Well, you can be that for the baby. I promise.”

Josh seemed to overthink her words, and then pushed away from her belly.

“So when will the baby be here?”

“About seven months.”

His eyes widened as he took in that answer, and he even pulled out his hands to count on his fingers - not that he was actually counting, May knew that, but he had seen some older kids do it and it had sort of stuck. 

“It's a lot,” May said eventually. Josh sighed dramatically and fell into her arms, May only too happy to wrap them around him.

 

~...~

 

May had never been particularly close to her own mother, and perhaps the fact that the woman had been the first May had told that she was pregnant (aside from Phil and Jemma) was the most intimate thing they had done together. That, and the moment May had given birth to Josh. But just because she wasn’t close to Lian May, didn’t mean she didn’t try to involve the woman in their lives as much as possible. It was just that the woman was stubborn and closed off and exactly the reason May had been so distant most of her own life. May would call, ask if Lian wanted to babysit Josh for an afternoon, but there would always be excuses and eventually, she just stopped asking. She felt bad for Josh, because he deserved grandparents, but she wasn’t sure he was really aware of what he was missing out on. In any case, Phil’s mother tried her best to be a good grandmother, but the distance was making it very difficult. 

But the phone call she received one Saturday did change her life significantly. It had started out as any other day, Phil waking her up with a kiss and a cup of tea, and she had met Josh in the kitchen, making drawings to give to his teacher on Monday morning. The phone had rang, Phil had picked up, and May hadn’t thought anything of it until he turned towards her, his permanent smile gone, handing the phone to her.

“What is it?”

“It’s your dad.”

She took the phone with a healthy dose of fear, because her father never really called unless something serious had happened, although he always did like when she called him. 

“Dad?”

“Mellie, it’s me. I, uh… I’m sorry to call you like this, but… I have bad news about your mother.”

She had passed away after complications from chemotherapy - May didn’t even know her mother had been diagnosed with cancer until that moment. William May assured her that Lian hadn’t suffered, but May wasn’t too sure of that. Her mother always suffered alone, hence the reason nobody really knew she had cancer in the first place, so she supposed it would forever remain a mystery how she had gone.

She found herself in church the next day to attend this woman’s funeral, she was her mother, but there had always remained a distance between them that May had never been able to cross. She had tried, god she had tried, and the birth of Josh had brought them closer than ever before, but just like that, when May and Phil had gotten used to caring for an infant, she had left her life all the same. If only Lian had told her about the hardships she was facing, perhaps May could have been there for her. Now, she was just left with an immense feeling of guilt, even knowing that Lian purposely kept everybody at arm’s length, because May should have just pushed through those defenses, forced herself up on her almost, to care for her mother like her mother had always cared for her. She might not have been the best mother, but she had given birth to her, nursed her, thought her how to walk and talk and fight. Nobody held that place in May’s heart, not even her father.

“Are you sad, Mommy?” Josh asked, their hands entwined between them. He was too young to grasp the meaning of death, for all she knew he thought Lian May would show up at the end of the service pinching his cheeks and forever remaining that distant grandmother she had only forced herself to be.

“I feel like I could have done more.”

“What do you mean?”

She looked at her son, hoisted in his nice new suit, complete with tie (which she had tied, of course, like she had tied Phil’s). He didn’t look sad, just confused and maybe a little bored. She couldn’t blame him - church services were boring.

“I don’t know, baby. She was my Mommy. I didn’t even know she was sick.”

“But she never called, Mommy.”

“True. But  _ I _ could have called.”

Josh didn’t respond to that, instead looked up at his father who was seated on his other side, to perhaps aid him in making her feel better. Phil just shook his head and looked at May.

“We shouldn’t speak ill of the dead. But she never called, Melinda. You can’t blame yourself for not knowing if she never cared to tell you. You’re not psychic. And I know you like to believe that you are, but you’re really not. You tried your best, but she wouldn’t let you in. You did what you could.”

“Well, it wasn’t enough.”

“Then we’ll agree to disagree.”

She gave him one of her infamous side-eyes, but she knew he was right. Lian May only had herself to blame for the fact that nobody knew what she was dealing with, and for all they knew, she could have been totally fine with the solitude. Come to think of it, she probably had been. May had always tried not to turn into her mother, but at times, she just couldn’t help it. That’s why she had reacted the way she had after Bahrain - things got hard, people tried to help, and she pulled away. It was a classic Lian May move, but not one that would do someone good.

Someone sat down beside her, and it wasn’t until she felt a familiar hand on her forearm that she knew who it was.

“How are you doing, Mellie?”

“Dad.”

She looked at him, realizing that the last time she had seen him was ages ago in the way time had caught up with him a little more. She had never let the thought of losing her parents enter her mind, but now that her mother was gone, she suddenly felt a flood of worry wash over her. She grabbed his hand with both hers.

“How are  _ you _ , Dad?”

“Oh, Mellie.” He paused and looked at her. Not for the first time in her life did she feel the sense of regret of having decided to live with her mother after her parents had separated - at that point in time, she had felt the closest to her mother, especially because she had just started martial arts then and her mother was showing her how proud she was of her accomplishments. But she knew her father would have been a better bet, in hindsight. Her father was sensitive and funny and actually showed how much he cared, unlike her mother. She thought of how different she could have been if she had lived with her father instead. “I called her every other week. I knew she wasn’t doing well, so it wasn’t a surprise to me.”

“Wait, you  _ knew _ she was sick?”   
“Of course.”

“And you never cared to tell me?”

“It wasn’t my right to tell. I wanted to, but in the end I realized that it was your mother, and your mother alone, who should tell you the news. And I guess, she never did.”

May shook her head and let out a sigh. She would never really know what her mother was like.

“Mellie, you knew better than anyone what she was like. Nobody could have changed that. We all tried our best but she wouldn’t let us. No need to beat ourselves up over it.”

She looked at him once more and saw he was sincere, not really sad in the slightest, and she wondered why that was. He must feel close to Lian, after all these years they had known each other, twenty married, the rest as frenemies, but her death didn’t really seem to impact him.

“Are you not sad, Dad?”

He shrugged and shook his head. “She often talked about death. She wasn’t afraid by the prospect, never had been. After all the things she has seen and done… I think she’s in a better place.”

He looked at her and smiled, and it felt out of place at a funeral, but she just found herself smiling back at him. He looked past her to her family, her little boy and her gorgeous husband, and his smile spread to his eyes.

“Phil made you a better person, Mellie,” he whispered. “I know you think you look like your mother, and you do, but at least you let him in. And look what it got you.”

May looked at Josh and Phil, who were looking at the conversation with something akin to awe - like father, like son. 

William May was right. She was her mother’s daughter, but she wasn’t just that. She was Melinda May, Phil Coulson’s wife, Josh Coulson’s mother, and so much stronger than her mother had ever tried to make her. She didn’t need martial arts to get what she wanted, although in some situations, it did help - no, this Melinda May, she just asked. She would look someone in the eye and even smile and she would get exactly what she asked for. Especially with Phil Coulson, because he had spent a lot of years by her side without seeing so much as a smile, so if she smiled at him, she knew it melted his heart.

“Thank you, Dad.”

“You have nothing to thank me for. Everything you are now, you achieved yourself.”

They parted after she kissed his cheek, and he roamed around the church some more, talking to the few people who had attended the service. May felt a hand on her other shoulder and saw Phil reaching for her. He was smiling at her, not that quick smile that was nonetheless still very beautiful to her - no, his genuine smile, that he reserved for special moments, apparently much like this one.

“Hey. You wanna leave?”

She shook her head. “I’ll stay here a little longer.”

He nodded and took Josh’s hand, kissing her lips before they left the church, and May remained sitting on the pew overlooking her mother’s casket. 

Her father passed away not even two months after that, and she felt guilty about the fact that his death impacted her more than her mother’s, and that she even allowed herself to think like that. But he had genuinely cared about her, as a father, and he had been so wise.

When she got the call, she had been at home, and she had rushed upstairs and slammed the bedroom door behind her and broke down on the bed, bawling her eyes out. She hadn’t learned from her mistake with her mother, of not calling enough, of not spending enough time with her, because she had hoped her father would have more time. But she had called him just as little after her mother’s funeral, and for that she would feel forever guilty.

The bed dipped beside her and she felt Phil’s calm hand on her shoulder. When she looked up at him, he gathered her in his arms and she cried against him, until she knew how to breathe past it.

“Why am I crying?” she mumbled.

“Because he meant something to you, and he’s gone.”

She looked up at him, his face still so calm but she could see in his eyes that he was hurting with her, if only because she was hurting so much. How did she deserve him? When had she gotten so lucky to have his strong arms to protect and comfort her?

“Hey. You’re okay. I’ve got you, you can let go.”

She had never felt safe in anyone’s arms except Phil Coulson’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so that. I don't think Lian May is completely heartless, but she has never really known how to be a warm, kind mother to May, at least, that's my headcanon. Luckily, May is the perfect mother for Josh, proving folks that 'even' the Cavalry can be loving and sweet.  
> Also, I love big sister Daisy. I so wish we could see that in the show! But we all know Philinda will never have a child... perhaps she can be an amazing aunt for Fitzsimmons' baby? I'm pretty certain Jemma is pregnant in the show but oh well.  
> Hope you liked this chapter, and please don't hesitate to let me know your thoughts!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May proves that she can be a superhero without violence, and Josh treats his mother with breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day.

Josh Coulson was a happy little boy, who was loved infinitely by his parents, and in turn loved them infinitely, too. May knew it was easy to think of Josh as the perfect kid, but she didn't have a lot to compare him with, so to her, he was perfect.

He had an open mind, even at a young age. He was empathetic, always managing to find a middle road that would please both parties. And like his father, he was a born leader, not just being able to delegate, but also to support, pull others up when they were done, he was honest and sincere. 

It was ridiculous to think of a five-year-old boy as a leader, but it were his genes, he couldn't help it.

He was incredibly creative, which came of questionable origins - perhaps Daisy or Jemma had influenced him in that. Neither May nor Phil were incredibly creative. 

May, Phil and Josh were out grocery shopping, and in order to make it a little more interesting for the young boy, Phil had promised him that they would stop by the library afterwards and he would get to pick up a book of his choosing, something that, considering his level of maturity, frightened May a little. He had seen some things she would have prefered he hadn't seen, but it wasn't necessarily a surprise to her. But, it had resulted in him wanting some more adventurous books, even though he didn't know to read yet by himself.

They had left him at the Children's section of their grocery store, two aisles down from where they were picking out what to have for dinner. Josh was very independent, even though he spent most of his time with his parents, or any member of their family in general. He knew how to take care of himself enough not to get lost in the store.

“When are kids supposed to start reading anyway?” Phil questioned, picking up a can of tomato sauce and putting it in their cart. She eyed him suspiciously - she was under the impression that they had agreed to eat a rice meal that night.

“Not in kindergarten, that much I know.”

“Blair can already read a little.”

“Well, of course. She's a genius.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Josh is, too.”

“In your eyes, he is everything. And he is smart, but he's not a genius.” She paused. She thought highly of her only baby, but she wouldn't want him to be better than the other kids. She wanted him to have a normal childhood, something she had hardly had. And the difference between how Blair and Josh were raised was clear in a lot of ways, although not necessarily all bad. Fitzsimmons wanted their children to excel, perhaps because it was the only way they knew how to be a child. After all, Leo and Jemma had been geniuses, too, still were. “I just don't want him to feel pressured, is all. My mom always forced me to do anything. Ice skating, homework, even piano lessons, for like a week. Then again, she was Asian. She didn't know any better.”

“I think we're doing a good job,” Phil said, smiling faintly. “And so are Fitzsimmons. All kids are different, and so are Blair, and Josh, and Jaine. If Josh wants to learn how to read, we'll give him a head start. But so far, he really enjoys being read to.”

May smiled. That he did. He would cuddle up in her arms, his back to her chest, head resting against her shoulder, and he would laugh and cry and gasp at the adventures they were going through. She had never liked to read, but Josh had taught her.

A familiar cry interrupted her blissful thoughts, and she turned around immediately, to find Josh running towards them, crying loudly. He fell into her arms and she picked him up, soothing him already, her heart breaking like it always did when she saw her baby crying for any unknown reason.

“What happened, baby?” May asked, his little arms wrapping around her neck as he buried his head in the crook of her neck. He wasn't very talkative whenever he was like this, and May was perfectly fine just holding him like this, hugging his sadness away. 

She saw Phil was checking Josh to see if he was injured and shook his head at her when he found no scratches or cuts.

They stood like that for a while when an adult came round the corner, and after spotting Josh in May’s arms, came storming over to them.

“Excuse me, are you his parents?”

May nodded. Nothing about this woman’s attitude was appealing to May, and she had seen some appalling people over the years. It felt like the woman was going to personally attack May’s baby, and it made something nasty open up within her.

“Well, I just wanted to say that your boy was playing with a doll. I corrected him, because boys shouldn't be playing with dolls. Just thought you should know.”

Should know… what? This woman had the audacity to correct someone else's child, make them cry and run for their Mommy, and then embarrass them some more in front of their parents?

Phil stood in between them now, with his back towards the woman, leaning down to whisper in May’s ear.

“I know it's hurtful, but please don't kill her.”

He offered his arms to hold Josh, and she thought for a moment about the kind of example she wanted to set for her child. She didn't want him to think that violence was okay, that it was the best way to win a confrontation. She didn't want him to see her as some aggressive, scary mother. She really wasn't. Well, she liked to believe she wasn't. 

Phil took Josh from her and he took a few steps away, still within hearing distance but out of the crossfire.

“I'm raising my boy to be open minded, to choose what he likes and not have my or my husband’s opinion force him into a life he doesn't want to live.”

“That's very nice and all, but I still believe that dolls are not boys’ toys. What if all these girly things turn him, you know… gay?”

May was finding it hard not to punch this lady in the face. One hard hit with the side of her hand against her neck would be enough to-

She heard Josh sniffing in his father's arms. No. She would be a better parent than her own mother. She would be safe and patient. She would stand up for him and protect him against any evil. And she would do it without violence.

“Toys don't turn kids gay. They're born like that. And if my child is gay, then I would honestly not mind in the slightest. He can be whoever he wants to be. I won't think any less of him.”

A young boy, about ten, May guessed, carefully rounded the same corner the woman had just come from, his eyes cast to the floor and his hands fumbling together. He shuffled over to the woman and it was clear very quickly that he was the woman’s son.

May's heart broke. He looked scared, ashamed, but most of all just sad.

“I wouldn't be able to live with that idea.”

“Then I feel really bad for your boy.”

The woman seemed to find that comment outrageous and decided that enough was enough, and she stepped towards May and pushed her, roughly.

May saw stars for a moment, not because the woman had hurt her in any way, but because an uncontrollable rage was setting over her. Who did this woman think she was? What kind of example was this for her kid, for both kids, to be pushing each other for such a stupid little thing. She felt her limbs move to punch her, but held herself back. Instead, she walked past the woman and to the boy, who had tears in his eyes. She lowered herself to his level.

“What is your name?”

He seemed surprised at this action, as though he was used to his mother fighting with people. He looked up at his mother who was fuming, but May wasn't going anywhere.

“Ryan.”

“Nice to meet you, Ryan. My name is Melinda. I just want you to know that you can play with any toy you want to play with. If you want to play with dolls, that's fine. If you want to play with trucks, that's also fine. Don't let anybody tell you that you can't be who you want to be. Not even your mother. Okay?”

Ryan let her words sink in, and she saw he understood her meaning when the tears that had been pooling inside his eyes spilled onto his cheeks. She pulled him into a hug, carefully, not wanting to frighten him. He leaned into her arms like most people did, she knew she gave good hugs, and his tears subsided quickly.

She pulled back and looked at him.

“Thank you,” he whispered. She shook her head and brushed his tears from his cheeks. It should feel weird to do this with a kid who wasn't hers, but then again she had been comforting Daisy for years as well, and she wasn't hers either.

“No problem, Ryan. That's what mothers are for.”

He hesitated but nodded eventually. May was right. Mothers should support their kids through everything, because their babies were their everything, and May would do anything to protect Josh.

The woman was still angry and pulled her son with her, and then little Ryan was out of their sight, but not out of their mind.

Josh and Phil were looking at her, intrigued, all the sadness gone, and when May joined them next to their cart, they were both looking at her, impressed, probably a little bit more in love, but May didn't deserve that. She had done what needed to be done. 

Josh squirmed in Phil’s arms and found his way back into May’s arms.

“Wow,” he started, “my Mommy is a superhero!”

May chuckled and kissed his cheek.

“Like Captain America?”

“No! Better! You make all the sad kids feel better!”

“Well, that is an amazing superpower, isn't it?”

Josh nodded and cuddled closer to her. She was proud of the way she had responded. She had used her words, like she wanted Josh to do, instead of getting angry or throwing a fit. 

“I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you, too, little Joshy. Never, ever, forget that.”

They got him the doll he had played with, just to make a point, but they still got him a book from the library as promised.

Her child would never lack anything - anyway, well within reason, of course. And she would never break a promise. 

 

~...~

 

Josh was the sweetest kid Phil had ever known. Melinda would always say that those were his father's genes, and maybe she was right, but Phil knew Melinda May wasn't so bad, either, even though she insisted on being the boogeyman.

He awoke one Sunday due to tiny hands on his face, and when he opened his eyes, was met by Josh’s face almost threateningly close.

“Jo-"

Josh covered Phil’s mouth with his hands and pulled him out of bed, and they walked to the kitchen.

“I wanted to make breakfast for Mommy but I'm not allowed to make tea.”

They had raised him well. Phil lifted him onto the counter and then looked at the mess Josh had created on the tray.

“Mommy will love this,” Phil said and smiled when Josh beamed at him. They finished it together, Phil attempting to calm down the chaos that it was, knowing most of the food would end up in bed. Josh ran into his room, returning with a gift (which he had obviously wrapped himself but it looked endearing to Phil to see how proud the little boy was of his work), and together they walked the stairs back to the master bedroom.

Melinda was still blissfully asleep but not for long, considering Josh jumped into the bed, bouncing up and down.

“Mommy mommy mommy!”

Melinda always had trouble waking up and now was no exception. When they had just gotten together, she had made the effort of getting up early to do thai chi, but she had only managed to keep that up for about two weeks. When she found out she would much rather stay in his arms a little longer, her biological clock had changed and now she often slept in way past him. She deserved it, though. Retirement did her well.

She was about to turn back around for some more sleep when it seemed to dawn on her that Josh was excitedly trying to wake her up.

He let himself fall to the mattress and into her arms.

“Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy.”

Melinda was awake immediately and smiled at her baby, who kept burrowing closer into her. 

“I smell… croissants?”

Josh nodded. “I made them! Well, I put them in the oven.”

“The oven?”

“I was super careful, Mommy!”

“Alright.”

Phil had put the tray on the nightstand at some point, enjoying the view of his wife and their son cuddling together. Josh was a Mama’s boy, and people sometimes asked Phil whether he was jealous, but he wasn't sure he could be. Melinda was his favorite person, too, so as long as they got to share her equally, he wasn't too sad about the whole thing. At least he had her all to himself when they were cuddling in bed at night.

The two were whispering for a while, and Phil sat on the edge of the bed, starting the coffee he had sneaked onto the tray for himself, until he felt Melinda’s hand firmly around his right bicep.

“Get in here, Phil.”

Josh looked at his father and seemed to remember only in that moment that he was still there, and he blushed a little before pulling him close, until the little boy was lying comfortably between them.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, Josh?”

“I love you.”

Phil smiled and kissed the top of the boy's head. “I love you too, buddy.”

“Mommy?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Their little boy was so sweet. Phil knew most, if not all of his behavior had been influenced by them, and it did him well to see them so well reflected in Josh. Phil knew he would fight to teach his son how to treat people well, especially women, because society was not always a great example. Not that Phil was, but he honestly, truly loved Josh’s mother and he hoped he treated her with respect, so Josh would take his example and treat his future wife with respect, too. (Or husband, Phil was open for anything so long as Josh was happy.)

“Mommy,” Phil started, looking at Melinda with a smile. He didn't want Josh to call her by her first name, mainly because it was an honor for Josh to have the right to use that title. And no matter what, he was the one who had the most right to call Melinda ‘Mommy’, because she really was his mother. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”

“Now, how about this breakfast that almost set the entire kitchen on fire?”

Josh chuckled and started countering his father when they both saw Melinda looked horrified. She trusted them unconditionally, however. She knew they would stick up for each other and her, so Phil guessed she was lucky to have them.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May tries to settle in for a peaceful and quiet evening at the Base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now this chapter is shorter because due to the lack of response for the previous chapters, my brain now won't allow me to put more out there than is absolutely necessary. This story is part of my soul by now, you see, so if I publish something and I don't see any forms of life, my brain starts imagining things... it's not pretty.

Daisy had never insisted on anyone calling her ‘Director’, but much like Phil’s time in that position, it seemed to come naturally to her subordinates. There were really only three people who never called her Director - Josh Coulson, Blair Fitzsimmons, and Melinda May. And the only reason any member of their family - which is what they called the team now, for a family fitted them way better than ‘team’ - called her Director was to tease her.

“Mommy?”

May looked up from the book she was reading, and was met by Josh standing in the doorway, in his PJ’s because obviously, bedtime had been half an hour ago, but he often had trouble getting to sleep when they were at the base. Another reason for her to spend more time at their family home. But sometimes, SHIELD still got in the way, even though they had retired from it all six years ago.

“Yes, Sweetie?”

“I want Daddy to tuck me in.”

May nodded but she couldn't help him with that. “Daddy is upstairs with Daisy. He's working.”

“I know.”

The boy walked up to her and climbed into her lap, and she was only too happy to hug him close, his arms around her neck and her nose in his dark hair, still smelling like his cartoon themed shampoo which Phil had insisted they should buy.

The little boy was obviously her son. She was proud of passing on her Asian genes, but it did sometimes make her feel a little sad that he resembled so little of Phil. She wouldn't have minded a little him walking around. But what he hadn't gotten in looks from his father, he compensated immensely in personality - he had a natural charisma, was honestly a bit of a blabbermouth, and was the purest, sweetest, kindest kid she had ever known. Just like his father.

“Okay. Maybe we can go upstairs and ask him to tuck you in.”

Josh nodded excitedly and jumped from her lap, already running out of the room and into the direction of the stairs that led up to the offices. She hurried after him, not wanting him to be alone in that environment, even though he knew the way and would deliberately stay away from anything he didn't want to see. He took a detour to avoid the lab, and eventually she caught up with him and they climbed the stairs to Director Johnson’s office.

Josh didn't bother knocking, and May had to admit it must look hilarious, this six year old boy in his PJ’s crashing through all doors and security measures to interrupt what looked to be an important meeting.

“Daddy!” he yelled, as though he hadn't seen him all week, even though they'd had dinner together just two hours before. Phil didn't seem to mind, however, because he dropped everything he was holding and was almost knocked down when Josh jumped into his arms.

“Hey Buddy! What are you doing still up? Don't tell me you're making Mommy’s night difficult.”

“No, Daddy. I just came to ask you to tuck me in.”

“Can't sleep, huh?”

Josh shrugged and wrapped his arms around his father tightly, and over his shoulder he looked at Daisy, who was sitting at her desk working over some paperwork. “Hi Daisy.”

“Hi J-dog.”

Phil turned around with Josh still in his arms like a little monkey, arms and legs tightly around him, and May smiled at the sight. He put his meeting with Daisy on hold, and then joined May on their way down to their rooms.

They were silent except for Josh, who was still in Phil’s arms, sputtering nonsense and greeting everybody he knew, and May saw Phil looking at her.

“She was ready,” Phil started, “but it's hard work being the Director.”

She didn't respond and they arrived at Josh’s room, tucking him in together, kissing his forehead and each other before leaving him to sleep. He was out like a light.

“It would just be nice to leave her be in the evenings. You know, so we could have some family time.”

He nodded and gathered her in his arms. His left hand reached up to caress her cheek, and she was once again pleasantly reminded of the cool metal around his ring finger as his wedding ring registered. She was officially Melinda Coulson, but nobody except him ever called her that. She had been May for so long that not even she herself would ever get used to the name change.

“Alright. I appreciate that you're honest with me.”

She rolled her eyes. “You don't have to reward me like a god damn puppy.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “I didn't mean it like that. But I could tell this situation was bothering you, and I'm happy therefore that you voiced it.”

She nodded and pulled him close, needing some of his warmth, his closeness. With his eternal need to support Daisy Johnson through whatever she was doing, he was often away from May and Josh.

“Just stay with me for tonight,” she whispered, not even bothering to put up her tough facade. She wanted him close, he was her husband, so she was entitled to ask him for just that. She had been supportive enough. “Stay with me and Josh.”

“Okay,” he replied, his voice as low as hers, and they kissed some, until another small voice interrupted them.

“Wàipó?”

May looked at Phil, sad that their moment was stopped so abruptly, but eventually instinct took over and she turned to the little girl who was standing in the same doorway as Josh had minutes before.

Blair Fitzsimmons was in many ways similar to Josh, which wasn't a surprise because they had basically grown up together. They were both smart, kind, a little cheeky, but where Josh was outgoing and bubbly, Blair was more timid, much like her father, preferring to scan her surroundings and then act instead of the other way around.

And it surprised friend and foe that Blair spoke with an American accent. Between her English mother and her Scottish father, everyone thought they would end up with a brat who needed subtitles to be understood, but considering she spent a lot of time with her extended family, mainly Phil and May, maybe it wasn't so surprising after all.

“What's wrong, Blair?”

“I don't know, but Jaine is crying and I can't stop her.”

May nodded, already moving to join the girl in their quarters, but Phil stopped her with a hand on her arm.

“I'll take care of Daisy.”

Relieved to hear those words, May followed Blair and it was quickly apparent that Jaine, Blair’s baby sister, was indeed crying, and with one sniff May knew she needed a new diaper. Blair stood by her side while she worked, one hand holding onto her shirt, and when May was finished, she tucked Jaine in again.

Fitzsimmons had gone out on a date and they had asked Elena to babysit their children, but considering the woman was nowhere to be found, May would have to have a firm conversation with the woman the next day.

May grabbed Blair’s hand and they walked to the girl’s bed, and as she climbed into it, settling underneath her space-themed bed sheets, May sat on the edge of the bed.

“Will you be okay on your own? You want me to call Auntie Elena?”

Blair shook her head, her dark blonde curls flying around her face despite her laying down, and May grabbed the girl’s hand, so proud of this little girl.

It had turned out to be less complicated than she had thought at first, to basically have a child and a grandchild who were the same age. Their family had never had normal ties, had always been a little odd, so this was just another thing to add to the long list. And anyway, May spent so much time with the kids that she almost considered Blair and Jaine her daughters.

“Wàipó?”

Blair had made the mistake once of calling May Grandma, and May had felt so old when the girl had said it that the two had come to an agreement. Blair would call her Wàipó, which was Mandarin for Grandmother, so in a way she was saying the same thing, but there were only a handful of people on the base who spoke Mandarin to begin with, so most people just thought it was a cute Chinese nickname for May. It made her feel less old in front of her friends and family. Nobody but Blair was allowed to use the nickname, though - well, her sister, too, eventually, but as it was now, Jaine appeared not to be developing quite the way she should, so that talking bit would come later, May feared.

“I love you.”

May smiled and kissed the girl’s lips, and after stroking some unruly curls out of her face, bid her goodnight.

“I love you too, Bǎobèi.”

Much like Josh, Blair was asleep even before May could walk out the door, and after briefly considering looking for Elena to scold her for not paying attention to her nieces, May decided that she would rather spend her time with her husband.

He was squinting at his phone when she returned, and she kissed his neck, getting his attention.

“I still wonder what that word means that Blair uses to get your attention.”

She smiled and grabbed his hands, effectively making him drop his phone and follow her.

“Wouldn't you like to know?”

“Yes I do, actually. What is the word again?”

She rolled her eyes and kissed him, but he was very insistent, wanting to know the word.

“Wàipó.”

She moved to kiss him again but then she heard his hand from below them, saying the exact word she wanted to avoid being used but then in a robotic voice.

_“Grandmother.”_

His eyes widened and before she could stop him, he started laughing, but his chuckles faded when she detached his arm and put it on the table.

“No more upgrades for you.”

His right hand came up to rest in her neck, and right before they kissed again, he whispered, “I love you, Qīn’ài de.”

She reared her head back, looking at him in all seriousness, shocked to hear this language from his lips, the only other remotely Chinese thing he had said was her middle name, butchering the pronunciation, but it proved to her that he was interested in her heritage. (And, in turn, Josh's as well.) At least, enough to look up some terms of endearment to surprise her. He had butchered this pronunciation, too, turning it into a complete mess, but she knew he was trying to say ‘darling’.

“Nǐ gè shǎ mào.”

She kissed him and pushed him towards their bedroom, and she almost laughed at his reaction, his helplessness.

“Wait, wait, what does that mean? Mel, you can't just do that!”

“You started it.”

He admitted defeat as he sank onto the bed, and it didn't take long until they were starting something they knew they couldn't possibly finish with three kids possibly interrupting their entire night, but neither was interested in stopping.

She whispered in his ear.

“It means you're an idiot.”

He couldn't agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will hopefully be longer. Thanks for reading, anyway.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Daisy talks with Josh about race (and racism), and May and Coulson finally decide to make things official.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your encouraging words! I get a little needy and I guess insecure when I don't get a lot of response, but that's alright. I hope you'll enjoy this!

The first few months of the start of SHIELD had been hard. Daisy had been in and out of countries, recruiting, advertising, getting the word out there. She had hated Phil Coulson when he had been in this phase, locking himself up in his office and ignoring his friends, ignoring _her_ , when she had really needed him, but she understood now.

The tough months turned into years, but SHIELD had settled right when her baby brother and her niece had started talking complete sentences, so she didn't have to miss a whole lot of their lives. Now that she knew the organization could survive without her for a day or so, she could finally focus on her friends and family.

Her family. She had always joked about May and Coulson being her parents, because they had bossed her around and fussed over her like she imagined only parents could do, but she had been shocked to learn that they regarded her as their daughter, too. So now, she had the family she had always wanted, kind parents, a beautiful sister in Jemma, dorky brother Fitz, and her baby brother Josh, who was by all means her brother. And of course, Mack, Elena, Bobbi and Hunter were also part of her family.

She had basically been ordered by Phil to pick up Josh from school, considering he and May had plans, but he wouldn't clarify what they were. Knowing him, he just wanted to surprise May. He would probably pay for that.

When May and Phil had just gotten together, Daisy had expected for things to feel weird, considering she had always known them as friends and wasn’t used to seeing them kiss. That (presumably) first kiss on the alien spaceship years ago had shocked her at first, but when she’d had time to register it, it all just seemed so… natural. And honestly, these two had been circling around this for so long that it hardly seemed a surprise. Now, over six years, one kid and a wedding later, it actually felt quite comfortable to have May and Phil interact the way they did - Daisy knew they were still very much in love with each other, and for better or worse, they were the driving force of the team. Everybody fared well knowing that May and Coulson were happy.

She saw the doors opening and waited patiently for a familiar face to appear. She got a little distracted by a girl being pushed by another girl, and she briefly thought about interjecting, but a hand on hers pulled her out of that idea.

“Hi Dee.”

“Oh, hi J-dog.”

She got up from the bench she was sitting on and grabbed Josh’s hand, and they started walking towards the car, but Daisy could tell immediately something was off about the boy.

“Are you okay, Junior?”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“Alright.”

The drive home was silent and she looked at him often, wondering what was bothering that pretty little head of his. She didn't like it when he was like this, because he was always so bubbly, outgoing, chatting away about whatever happened at school, about a movie he had just seen with his parents, and it would be a tough job to shut him up once he started.

But now he just looked… sad.

They entered the Coulson’s family home, still in silence, and the boy went up to his room immediately. She watched him leave and her heart broke. Something must have happened at school. It was her job as his big sister to help him through it.

She let him cool off a little first, though, because as much as he was an angel most of the time, when he was angry he could pack a mean punch - much like his mother.

She loved this place. It wasn't her house, not really, but she loved to stay here, and they had even assigned a bedroom just for her. She was a thirty-six year old adult, but seeing how her adoptive parents had kept her in mind when buying this place just filled her heart with love. Perhaps it was time to leave the nest, but she had longed to be part of a nest for so long, it was so difficult to leave. And anyway, where would she go? She would be stuck in her office all day doing boring Director stuff. If she had known that most of the job would be so incredibly boring, she wouldn't have taken it. But Phil had had trust in her, and had handed it to her when May had turned out to be pregnant. She couldn't disappoint him.

She prepared two glasses of lemonade and stuck some cookies between her arm and the side of her body and went up to Josh’s room. Opening the door, she immediately saw him in his bed, the sheets all the way up to his ears.

“Josh?”

“Go away.”

“I'm not leaving, bud. I've got lemonade and cookies, even though Dad will kill me if he learns I gave them to you.”

She heard a muffled chuckle and smiled. She sat on his desk chair after putting the snacks on his desk. After a while, he sat up and looked at her, and she handed his lemonade, from which he took a grateful sip.

“You know I'm here for you, right? I'm your big sis. You can tell me anything.”

He nodded but didn't talk for a while, his eyes cast down, and Daisy sat down beside him, her back against the wall. He soon joined her.

“Remember that project we had about our parents?”

She nodded. She had helped him with that, slipping some funny anecdotes in there that were sure to give him bonus points.

“Well, Stacey saw the picture of Daddy and she laughed. She says he cannot be my Daddy.”

“Why not?”

“Because he's not Chinese!”

Wait… what? She had expected one of his classmates to have said something upsetting, but of all the things she could have expected, this was definitely not it. It wasn't even on the list, honestly.

She didn't know how to respond without getting angry at the kids in front of him, so she remained silent for a while to think of her response.

She had known racism herself, the kids at the orphanage she had grown up in were always looking for ways to entertain themselves and unfortunately, bullying was very effective. She knew kids could pick on someone for the tiniest thing, but racism wasn't tiny, and maybe she had known that even as a child. She knew it might have been easier to stomach if she had had her parents with her, but as it was, she was the only Asian-American kid in the orphanage, even if the entire town, and so getting some support was hard.

She was biracial herself, and she realized that out of all things Josh had needed help with (mainly things his parents were very good at, like learning how to walk and talk and go potty), she was able to help him with this, having had experience with the same type of racism. She was sure May probably had to deal with that too, growing up, at least at one point in her life, but Daisy didn't want to reopen old wounds if she didn't have to. She had to remember that these kids aren't racist themselves - they are just copying their parents.

“Daddy is my Daddy, right?”

“Of course he is, Junior.”

“Then why don't I look like him?”

Okay, maybe she should have left this conversation for May and Coulson, but she would hurt him if she stopped this conversation now.

“Okay, uh… think about it like this. If you take blue paint and red paint and you put them together, what color do you get?”

“Purple?”

“Exactly. Well, it's a little like that when a Mommy and a Daddy have a baby. You take the colors of their skin or hair, mix it all up, and then you have a beautiful baby! And that baby, like the paint, could be more blue or more red, depending on how much of each you put in, but they are their own beautiful color.”

“So I'm purple?”

“No, silly. But when you were just a little peanut in Mommy’s belly, Daddy and Mommy’s colors mixed and it created you.”

”I don't want my colors to be mixed.”

“I know, Junior. But you do look like Daddy.”

“How?”

“You have his smile.” He showed it to her upon hearing those words and he proved her point. “And you're just as brave and kind and smart as Daddy.”

“Dee? Are you Chinese?”

“Well, I'm American, like you, but my mother was from China, yes.”

“My Mommy is not your Mommy?”

Had May and Coulson never discussed this? She was surprised. Josh was very inquisitive so she had fully expected him to ask uncomfortable questions like herself.

“No, my Mommy… she passed away. But your Mommy and Daddy, they practically adopted me.”

“What's adopted?”

“It's basically when a Mommy and Daddy decide they love a child so much they see them as their own child, even though they were never in that Mommy’s belly.”

“Okay.” He paused. She imagined his brain must hurt now. “Is my Mommy Chinese?”

“Your Mommy’s Mommy was Chinese.”

Josh looked properly spent and he almost dropped his glass while he registered all of this information. She took the glass from him and let him think.

“So was your Daddy Chinese?”

She shook her head. “He is white, like your Daddy. I guess I look more like my Daddy.”

“So… I'm blue purple and you're red purple?”

“That's one way to look at it, yes.”

“My head hurts.”

She chuckled and so did he.

“You know why mean kids bully? Because they're jealous. They don't have a Mommy and Daddy like you. And, of course, an awesome big sister, yours truly.”

Josh smiled again and took the glass from her, taking another sip. “You just say that because you're my sister.”

“Exactly. And it is my job as your big sister to protect you, and I will always protect you.”

“Thank you, Dee.”

They sat in silence for a while, and eventually his tiny hand laced through hers, and she held it tightly, her baby brother, such a miracle for everyone they knew.

“I love you, Daisy.”

“I love you, too, Josh.”

When May and Coulson came home that night, long after Josh had been sent to bed, Daisy explained what had happened.

“Shit,” May mumbled, already moving upstairs to check on Josh.

“He's asleep, don't worry.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I don't really remember all the details because I kinda, sorta panicked, but I remember something about mixing blue and red and it creating purple and after telling him about Jiaying and Cal, he concluded that he was blue purple and I am red purple.”

Phil seemed impressed, May just worried.

“Phil, I knew we should have talked about this with him sooner.”

“I don't know, seems like Daisy handled it pretty well.”

“Maybe you're right. I dunno. I should have known he would start questioning things.”

Phil and May discussed the topic some more, and Daisy hoovered around the two.

“Uh, May?”

Said woman turned around and looked at Daisy.

“Were you bullied because you're Asian?”

“Daisy…”

“Were you? I never really thought about it until today, but growing up I was always excluded for looking different and I always longed for someone to relate to, to look like I did, and while we look nothing alike, I just… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up.”

“You were bullied?”

“I was the only Asian-American kid in a fifty mile radius. Duh, of course I was bullied.”

“That really shouldn't be an ‘of course’ thing, Daisy. I'm sorry you were bullied.”

She shrugged. “I just want us to try and keep Josh from suffering the same fate. Seems I failed.”

Phil stepped in at that point.

“Hey, you didn't fail. These kids are only just now grasping the concept of race. These kids are only saying racist things because their parents are.”

“I know. It still hurts though when they say it.”

May pulled her into a hug and it felt good, it always did, it felt like catching up with years spent crying alone in the orphanage, years of a lonely life in a van on the streets - she could let go in May’s arms, because she trusted this woman fully, like she probably had never trusted anybody before. May was the closest Daisy would ever have to a mother.

The tears came before she was able to stop them, but May’s hands were in her hair, soothing her, and Daisy knew May had gotten even better at comforting sad kids since she had become a mom, and she was grateful for that.

“I'm thirty-six and I still mostly live with you guys.”

“There's nothing wrong with that, Daisy.”

“But you have a family now. I can't force myself up on you.”

“You're family, sweetheart,” May whispered, and it was the first time she had used a term like that to address Daisy, the first time at all. Come to think of it, she couldn't remember ever hearing it from the woman’s lips, not even to address Josh. “You're our family. You can always stay with us, always, even when you have a family yourself, a little you running around, you can still stay with us. You're always, _always_ , welcome.”

Daisy cried even more and she felt both May and Phil guide her to the couch, where she sat down but eventually cuddled up to May, her head against the woman’s chest. Maybe it was stupid, maybe an adult woman shouldn't feel so comforted by hugging someone like this, but this was Melinda May, who was practically her Mom. This is what kids did when they felt sad, right?

Phil left eventually but not after putting his hand on her back, and Daisy guessed he was going to check on Josh. It didn't really register at all, her tears and sobs clouding everything. She calmed down eventually, though, May's arms tighter around her.

“You feel a little better?” May asked, her soft, kind voice filling all the empty parts in Daisy’s heart. How had she found a mother like her?

“I feel embarrassed.”

May shook her head. “Don't. You know, when I was pregnant, I used to bottle everything up like I did before it all, but Phil just told me to let it all go. You can't go on being a robot. I'm sorry if I gave that example. I'm not a robot, and neither are you.”

“I want to feel like a robot.”

“Ask Phil, it's no fun.” She was referring to the LMD’s they had had to fight almost a lifetime ago.

Both chuckled, and Daisy cuddled a little closer.

“I was bullied,” May started, her voice uncharacteristically quiet, “but instead of letting them get to me, I decided that I would kick their ass instead.”

“Now I envision baby May kicking mean boys in the shins.”

“You know it. Phil was bullied too when we started at the Academy. One look from me and they never said a mean thing again.”

“Wait… you've known each other since the Academy?”

May seemed not to have realized that she had said that, and stopped talking abruptly. “Uh, yeah.”

“You've known each other for a long time.”

“Too long, maybe.”

“And now you're married.”

May nodded, and they looked each other. She brushed some tears from Daisy’s cheeks.

“I want a relationship like you two have.”

“What, pretending not to love each other for decades, then explode and end up pregnant within weeks? Sure, that's romantic.”

“You love each other, like so much. You don't let anybody hold you back. And every time I look at him looking at you… he almost manages to make _me_ fall in love with you. He's so in love with you, May. I can see it.”

May nodded. “I know. I… I'm in love with him, too. It's bizarre. With Andrew that feeling faded after a while. But I just keep wanting to be close to Phil.”

“Isn't that the best feeling ever?”

“It is.”

They smiled at each other and Daisy kissed May’s cheek.

“I'm seeing someone,” she blurted out. It either had something to do with the fact that they were talking the truth or with the fact that May’s arms around her felt so safe - the words had just slipped out. Now she couldn't take them back, but she didn't need to. It was difficult to find someone while she was the Director, and she had trust and abandonment issues, but this guy was nice, and he made her smile.

May smiled, as though Daisy’s face gave away how much she liked him.

“I wish you all the best, Daisy,” she whispered. “I hope he can be what you deserve.”

“I'm scared,” Daisy whispered. “All my relationships have always gone bad.”

“It's okay to be scared. Whenever we enter a new relationship, there's always a sense of uncertainty. You put your heart out in the open. If he knows what to do with it, then he's the one.”

“But…”

“Don't assume that it will go wrong, alright? You might jinx it. Give him a chance.”

“Okay, _Mom_ ,” Daisy said, sarcastically, but it didn't bring the reaction she had expected, neither from May nor herself. Both were shocked into silence. “I, uh… I'm sorry.”

“Wait, no, don't apologize for that. Daisy…”

“No, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry.”

May hands were firm on her cheeks, pulling her to look into her eyes.

“You are my daughter, Daisy. Maybe not by flesh and blood, but you're my... baby. If you want to call me Mom, I will only be honored.”

Daisy hesitated. She had only ever called Jiaying ‘Mom’, but that was only because she was her actual, biological mother. Nothing could change that. And it had crossed her mind to call May that, but May wasn't her mother, and never would be. How could May say that Daisy is her daughter?

Phil entered the room eventually, while May and Daisy were still silent.

“He's still asleep.”

He stopped in his tracks when he saw that they were quiet but still in each other's arms. “Did I miss something?”

May shook her head and pulled Daisy closer. All their previously spoken words were not forgotten, but they could always discuss them later.

Daisy felt Phil shuffle in beside her, putting his hand on her arm, and she sighed contently, closing her eyes against May’s shoulder. She wasn't really surprised to wake up in the guest room in the morning.

 

~...~

 

“Phil?”

“Hmm?”

He looked at her from his side of the bed, enthralled in some comic he would insist she read but both knew she never would.

“I've been thinking about this for a while.”

“This being?”

“Adoption.”

“Who are we adopting?”

She gave him her ‘seriously?’ face, and he thought about the sentence a little more.

“Oh, Daisy? I thought we already established that she's practically our daughter.”

“But ‘practically’ isn't going to give her custody over Josh if anything is going to happen to us. Practically isn't going to officially add her to our will. Practically isn't good enough,” although the last few words were mumbled.

“Alright,” he whispered, pulling her close and kissing the top of her head. “I've always regarded her as my daughter. If she wants to be adopted, I'll gladly sign it.”

May kissed his lips and he smiled.

“You know I would have just signed if you'd asked. No need for the drama.”

“But I guess that's the new me. I don't agree with it either, but hey.” She nuzzled her nose against his. “She was bullied, Phil, because she's Asian. She had nobody around her who was also Asian. No wonder she was so lonely.”

He nodded, but then shook his head.

“At least she's got us now.”

She hugged him close.

“Please don't ever leave me.”

“I wouldn't dare, Melinda. I love you.”

The look on Daisy's face when they handed her the adoption papers, the teary eyes that had always disclosed her feelings to those around her, was totally worth it. 

"The only thing you need to do is sign," Phil started.

"And then what?" Daisy asked, carefully, a tear or two rolling down her cheeks. Perhaps she was preparing herself for disappointment, bracing herself for being neglected once more. Never on their watch, never again.

"And then we'll be your parents. You'll officially be a part of our family."

Daisy fell into their open arms gratefully, the papers crumpled up between them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried my best to have Daisy help Josh to the best of her abilities, and in her turn, have May help Daisy, so I hope it's believable!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May comforts the youngest Fitzsimmons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning before you read this chapter: I couldn't make all the kids just perfect little angels, so I apologize on behalf of Jaine for putting her through this. Also, no Daisy in this chapter and only limited Josh/Coulson. I wanted to focus on these other kids, too.

May loved watching them play together, her wonderful, nerdy boys. Josh had an obsession with Captain America - May wondered if it was nature or nurture. 

“Ngaaaah! I have bested you once again, Captain! Your days of saving the world are over!”

Josh chuckled at his father’s seriousness.

“Hey, Cap, focus.”

“Daddy, you're funny!”

“That's Red Skull for you! And I will-" he paused, thinking of his next words, “-tickle you to death!”

“No, no tickles!”

Phil grabbed Josh and, gently, threw him onto the couch, before attacking the boy’s tummy while Josh shrieked with joy.

“Daddy!” When Phil didn't respond, he tried a different tactic. “Mommy, help!”

“You're on your own, Cap,” she answered, smiling, but couldn't help herself from approaching the two, but instead of aiding her son, she grabbed one of his feet and tickled the bottom of it. He shrieked even louder, but she was holding back, not wanting the boy to suffer a heart attack or something. Eventually, they had tired him out, tears already streaming down his face from laughing, and he curled up on the couch in his father's arms.

“I surrender,” Josh said, smile on his face. “You have won, Red Skull.”

“It's a shame. I wanted you to win, Cap.”

Of course he did. They cuddled closer and May looked at the image in front of her, not really feeling the need to be in there, but Josh reached behind him blindly for her hand, and together with his father, pulled her into their arms.

They sat like that for a while, appreciating each other's nearness, when the door opened and they looked up, in no way moving away.

The little girl they knew as Jaine Fitzsimmons was stood there, thumb against her lips fighting the urge to suck it, but she was so young nobody would have blamed it if she had sucked it. She wanted to be as brave as her big sister Blair and her nephew Josh, but she sometimes seemed to forget the fact she was half their ages. More, she wasn’t even three yet.

She signed something with her free hand, her movements heavily influenced by her need to suck her thumb and to hold her plushie close. May was on alert, but it happened on instinct now. Perhaps she was a born mother after all.

She extracted her hand from her son and signed something herself, not even slightly struggling with the odd language. She had no idea how she had picked up this language so quickly, but it did come easy for her.

“ _ Are you okay, baby? _ ”

Jaine shook her head and started crying out of nowhere, and it was so unfair, this little girl had never had the pleasure of hearing the world around her, of hearing her dear parents talk to her, of hearing the birds chirping and the trees shake with the wind. She hadn't hurt anyone, and yet she was burdened with this handicap. And even though she had been deaf since her birth, almost three years ago, she was so scared by it, because everyone else around her could hear and she couldn't. On top of that, a lot of her family didn't know how to use ASL, and she had trouble too sometimes, and so she had little means to make herself understood.

May was one of the only ones who could communicate with her, mostly because she had spent days on end learning sign language with the little girl, wanting her to find an outlet for all the emotions she couldn't voice. She could cry, even if she couldn't hear herself cry, but when someone came to comfort her, she couldn't explain what was wrong.

May signed for the girl to come to her, but she hadn't even finished the sentence before the girl fell in her arms and cried even harder.

When Fitzsimmons had diagnosed their own child with being deaf, they had quickly found out it was a profound deafness, meaning that no matter how high or low the tone was, she couldn’t hear any of it. The medical world was quick to give up, considering logically speaking she shouldn’t be able to hear even with hearing aids, but May knew Fitzsimmons wouldn’t give up that easily.  

Fitzsimmons had, like most people in their family, not stopped working for SHIELD, although neither wanted to be in the field. Their positions in the lab gave them enough opportunity to still be home in time to bond with their daughters, but during the day, generally May was the go-to babysitter. Well, for Jaine anyway, considering Blair was in school from Mondays to Fridays. It really should have bothered May to be watching Jaine so much, but seeing as her own baby was at school too most of the time, she really didn’t mind the company. 

Josh had admitted once to considering Blair and Jaine Fitzsimmons as sisters, and he had all right to, because they were growing up together. May would always be the first one to correct him, but who was she to keep him from wanting siblings?

While Jaine was laying in May’s arms, her head on her bosom, heartbeat close to calm her down, Josh grabbed the girl’s hand and kissed the top of it.

“You will be safe with my Mommy,” he whispered. “I promise.”

May's eyes filled with tears at the kindness of this little boy, definitely Phil’s genes, and even though Jaine couldn't hear him, it was obvious that she could feel his love, his protection. She smiled against May’s skin, but still wrapped her arms tightly around her.

May had hated it once that everybody seemed to come to her for support, but after having had Josh, she had softened up, she guessed. The woman who was known as The Cavalry seemed like a completely different person now, it was still her, yet she had more reason to be kind, what with three actual kids loving her to bits and her adult kids also still depending on her, despite continuously stating the opposite. She loved all of them, the stubborn Daisy, the incredible Fitzsimmons, the headstrong Elena and teddy bear Mack, even Hunter and Bobbi were still in her thoughts on a regular basis, wherever they were. She loved the sweet little girls Blair and Jaine, and her miracle son Josh, and… her sweet and kind husband, Phillip J. Coulson.

That's what their family had started with. Phil and her. They had known each other for decades, and ultimately their need to be close to each other, even if they hadn't confessed that at the time, had brought all these people together. She had picked out Fitzsimmons and (ugh) Grant Ward, but Phil had chosen her, too, even if she was already supposed to be in the team by Fury’s instructions. Daisy had joined them not long after, and that was how their family had grown and started trusting each other to the point that they would protect each other, with their lives, something some members had actually done, thinking back to Trip and Lincoln.

“ _ I love you _ ,” Josh signed, after getting the girl’s attention, and May pulled him into her arms, too, shifting Jaine a little. She was overwhelmed with love, wondered how in the world she had gotten so lucky to be able to have these kids in her arms, her miracle son and the girl she considered a daughter, even if as opposed to her other daughters, she still had both her parents, who loved her very much.

She felt someone kiss the top of her head and found Phil beside her, smiling at her, his arm resting on both kids, and man. She was so lucky.

 

~...~

 

Despite her handicap, Jaine was a happy girl, although she was frightened by how big the world was and how she only experienced half of it. (She probably wouldn’t have realized this all, if it weren’t for the fact that she was the only deaf person in their family and she was very much aware of the fact that she was different from everybody else.) She had a natural tendency to distrust people, because barely anybody could communicate with her so she had all right not to trust people. Their family had made the effort but it didn't come easy for them, yet it had made Jaine laugh on some occasions. One time Phil had been trying to talk about how May was bragging that she knew ASL so well, but instead of using the sign for ‘brag’, he had used the sign for ‘Russia’. It just reminded May of his feeble attempts to learn Mandarin - he was terrible with any language, but she loved that he tried.

Jaine loved to snuggle with May, but then again, who didn't these days. May had to admit, she was getting better and better at it, and was enjoying it more.

_ “Do you want to watch TV?” _

Jaine thought over that proposition a little, before she shook her head.

_ “No.” _ May just had to smile at Jaine’s cute little face scrunching up with the movement, as though with the sign she had automatically learned the facial expression that should accompany it. In this context, it felt like she was personally offended that May had even offered such an atrocious thing.  _ “I want to hug.” _

“Alright,” May laughed, feeling how Jaine reacted to her talking. Jaine wasn’t the first to cuddle into her chest when she was speaking, although May would never really understand why anybody would do that. Phil had offered that it mostly had to do with vibrations, especially for Jaine. It still didn’t explain why anybody else would want to cuddle up to her like that.

Jaine tapped May’s arm to get her attention. Most of their conversations, Jaine was simply laying back against May’s chest, making space for both their hands to move in front of them. May usually looked over Jaine’s ridiculously curly hair to see what she wanted to say. It wasn’t rare for Jaine to have to repeat it, holding her hands high, making her chuckle as a result. 

_ “Why can’t Mommy and Daddy sign?” _

That was a good question. They could, but not as well as May, but that wasn’t a surprise considering May had basically taught Jaine ASL in her spare time. Jaine communicated with her parents on a different level, not needing words, not even signed, but Jaine was too young to realize that. (A lot of it was lipreading, May knew.) All she could see was that her Grandma Melinda was about the only one whom she could really speak to, in her way. Well that, and May guessed Blair and Josh were quickly picking up on the whole thing, too. These three often watched TV especially catered to deaf children (with an interpreter on the side), and it was helping all of them understand the situation better. She knew Blair translated a lot between her parents and her baby sister when May wasn’t there.

_ “They are still learning.” _

_ “Okay. Can’t they learn faster?” _

May chuckled and Jaine tapped her hands, as though to tell her that she didn’t want her to laugh. May stopped immediately.

_ “They’re really trying.” _

Jaine hummed, but May wasn’t really sure what it was she was trying to prove. Did she agree or disagree? It didn’t matter. Hopefully soon, Fitzsimmons would be able to use sign language with her, too, and Jaine didn’t have to feel so left out.

_ “I love you.” _

It was one of the first things May had taught her, mainly because it was one of the first things that she had seen in one of her books, but she also liked the idea that above anything else, Jaine could at least show her love like this. It was the one thing everybody in their family could understand.

_ “I’ll tell them to hurry up, okay?” _

Jaine nodded furiously and clapped in her hands, then turned around in her arms so they were facing each other. Josh and Blair had liked it when she had sung for them when they were babies, but early on, May had noticed that Jaine hadn’t responded to that in the same way the other two did. That didn’t necessarily need to be cause for concern, May knew that, but it had made her pay closer attention to the girl to see if she was doing alright. The moment the doctors (and Fitzsimmons) had determined that she was deaf, it had almost felt like a weight had been lifted from their shoulders. Alright, so their daughter was disabled and would require a different kind of attention, but she was still healthy and happy and she would live. 

Jaine had this way of pulling at one’s heartstrings in all the right ways, and that had started from when she was a baby. Whereas Josh and Blair had smiled and chuckled at the mere sound of her voice, Jaine had needed a little more to get her started, but once somebody was in view, her chuckles could be heard all throughout the house. When she was in somebody’s arms, she would spend a lot of the time studying someone’s face, seeing how it worked, and it wasn’t a surprise when ultimately, she would make the person smile and then she would chuckle and it would be an endless spiral.

Despite her fears, Jaine was the ultimate proof that happiness transcended everything, culture, language or ability.

Jaine smiled at May as she brushed her cheeks, and it always made both of them so happy to do this, they trusted each other implicitly and knew they wouldn’t hurt each other. Seeing as Jaine wasn’t sure she could trust just everybody, it was very important for her to feel that way.

The girl had fallen asleep eventually, still in May’s arms, and as she set out to tuck her into her bed (she still didn’t like any of the children’s rooms at the Base, or the fact that they stayed at the Base in the first place, but SHIELD came first sometimes), she walked past the lab.

Fitzsimmons were hunching over a table, slightly frustrated looks on their faces, and May couldn’t help herself from walking in, after making sure Jaine was still asleep. 

Jemma was the first to notice her and smiled at the both of them, kissing the top of Jaine’s head gently, also mindful of the peace they could get when the girl was asleep. Fitz noticed them but wouldn’t be disturbed in his thinking process.

“Any process?” May asked, peeking over Fitz’s shoulder to look at their project. They did extensive research into anything that could help SHIELD improve their medication or artillery, but in the little gaps they were waiting for results, they were working on aids for Jaine. They knew it wouldn’t fully take away her disability, but it might help her fit in a little better. The society they were living in wasn’t always so accepting of people who were different, and her recent realization that Josh’s peers were catching onto racism had only proved that fact.

Jemma shook her head but her face wasn’t all negative. They still had hope, and that was the most important thing. She looked at her daughter, obviously torn between taking her from May and spend the rest of the day with Jaine, or working. May made the choice easier on her - she stepped forward and basically forced Jemma to take Jaine into her arms, which the woman did with a smile on her face. 

Fitz was torn out of his concentration now and looked at the sight, and smiled, something he didn’t often do while trying to work on Jaine’s aids. 

May walked out of the lab but was stopped at just the last moment.

“May!” Fitz called, and she turned. Then, he signed.  _ “Thank you.” _

_ “Oh, it’s nothing.” _

He frowned, a hint of that childish curiosity in his eyes that she had gotten so used to in their early years of acquaintance. 

“Is there a sign for ‘you’re welcome’?”

May smiled and shook her head. “Not really. You usually just respond with anything other than that.”

“Right.” He seemed flabbergasted but she could tell he was really learning. These two were doing too many things at once, trying to have a healthy relationship, juggle a full-time job at the lab and have these two amazing daughters to look after - she could cut them some slack for not knowing ASL as well as she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'translations' of ASL to English are of course not always accurate, despite me not knowing ASL I do know that some things just don't translate (I am bilingual so that helps, I guess). Also, it's not that I like throwing characters into difficult situations, but... okay I guess I do like it. But Jaine is such a sweet little girl regardless of her disability so I hope you'll still forgive me for not making her 'perfect'.  
> Also, I know that deafness isn't generally considered a disability, but I guess it depends on the person you're talking to. I find it a disability in that our society isn't build for deaf people, so they will have some problems functioning, unfortunately. I hope I didn't offend anybody!  
> Anyway, thanks for reading, next chapter we'll see: Yo-Yo!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yo-Yo goes to Coulson for advice, May realizes she's getting older, and Daisy's boyfriend is put under intense scrutiny by his (future?) father-in-law.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so admittedly, Mack and Yo-Yo are not featured in this fic as much as I would have liked them. Neither are Hunter and Bobbi (who are only mentioned... so far, at least). But I'm just having trouble writing them, they seem so perfect in the show and I know I will ruin it when I start writing them. So I guess, I figured I shouldn't write about them at all. But I will try to include them more in the future! (And as far as I've written this story, they will definitely show up many chapters later.)  
> I hope you'll enjoy!

Coulson wouldn’t really say that he was the best at giving advice, but for some reason people did come to him for help. He realized that this is probably what Melinda must be feeling when people came to her - she always complained that she didn’t have half the knowledge people credited her for, but he knew that wasn’t true. He knew how smart she was, and even though she would never allow herself to see that, he stood up for her intellect more than once, keeping Melinda from talking herself into the ground. She wasn’t insecure, far from it, but she had focused most of her life on physical training, improving her reflexes and her gun shooting skills, things that didn’t always required her to show her amazing brain. 

As soon as Josh had gone to school (which had been a struggle, because after years of being together almost 24/7, these two had to be parted, and it was tough on both of them), she had looked into things to keep her busy. Aside from babysitting Jaine on a regular basis, she had gotten into teaching a little herself, like him. Daisy had disclosed that SHIELD’s self-defense instructor was overwhelmed with the amount of work that was put on her, so May had naturally offered her own services. Only one month in, Daisy had offered to pay May, which had of course resulted in some discussions between the two, because May did it for fun and to keep busy, but she realized eventually that it might take some pressure off Coulson to earn all the money, and had accepted. 

Now, she was at SHIELD twice a week, at least, to teach her own self-defense classes, and it made her so happy to be teaching that younger generation of agents. After years of being a fulltime housewife, it did her well to be out and about. She would never be in the field again, never wanted to take the risk of having Josh grow up without a mother, and she didn’t do it for SHIELD - she did it for herself, really, and the young agents who should be ready for the life that she was purposely trying to avoid.

Elena and Mack had pulled back into a quiet life and only sometimes called them to chat, and everybody had decided that while they would miss the two, they would leave them alone if they wanted to just be together. Being a parent, Coulson could definitely understand the need to be alone with his significant other.

Mack and Elena had started a small scale gym with their own wants and needs in the back of their minds, and Coulson had visited once, just because he was curious to see what they had established. Mack focused a lot on the machines, strength building, which wasn’t a surprise to anybody - Elena focused a lot on her classes, like Melinda teaching self-defense, and it had lit up their lives, to be free of the burden of SHIELD and to do what they really liked.

It surprised him, therefore, that one day he found Elena on his doorstep, a little frightened by something. Just like with his own wife, it was a surreal look on the brave woman and he felt his heart work faster to find the reason that was making her so frightened.

“Yo-yo?”

She rushed past him and sat down on the couch, her head in her hands and her usually well-braided hair in disarray around her. He went to get her some water and when he returned, she was nearly crying. 

“I need to speak to you.”

“Okay. Tell me.”

“Estoy embarazada.”  _ *I’m pregnant.* _

“Oh. Uhm…” He got flashbacks to the moment when Melinda had revealed to him that she was pregnant - it had been a shock, but after finding out that fact he had found it was quite obvious that she was. He couldn’t really say the same about Elena, just because he hadn’t seen her in months. “Shall I get Melinda?”

“No! It needs to be you.”

“Okay.”

He looked at her crying, and he put a hand on her shoulder, feeling like she was probably looking for some sympathy in coming to him. He wondered why she had come to him in the first place.

“I’m scared, Coulson.”

He would have thought that they would be more careful, after having seen Melinda get pregnant accidentally, but he knew with Mack and Elena, nothing was really an accident. They had pulled back from the family for a reason - whether or not Coulson wanted to admit it, the family often brought those two nothing but misery and they deserved to be happy for once. Mack had tried multiple times to retire from SHIELD but fate had always pulled him back into the game. Now, he had been retired for years and the universe had finally understood the hint.

“Weren’t you planning?”

“Yes. But I didn’t expect it to be this quick. I thought I would have more time to get adjusted to my… hands.”

“What about them?”

She raised them, showing the metals hands that she still used as a replacement for her amputated limbs. She had explained that she also wanted hands like he did, but she didn’t want to lose her quick speed, which was what would happen if she settled for hands like his.

“I can never feel my baby with my own hands.”

His heart broke a little at that statement. He knew what she was talking about - before Josh he had been so afraid that he wouldn’t be able to love the little boy, that he would always feel a distance between them just because the nerves in his hand weren’t his own. But it hadn’t mattered at all, because while he couldn’t feel the boy, at least with his left hand, Josh could feel him. And in the end, his son’s well being was priority number one.

“A baby is the most amazing thing that can happen to someone. I promise. It might get tough, you might never feel your baby properly, but they won’t be able to tell the difference, they won’t care, so why should we?”

“I’m afraid I’ll scare them off.”

“My hand has never scared off Josh. I doubt it will scare off your little one, too. They might have questions, but they always do.”

“I’m still scared.”

“So was I.”

“Is it really worth it?”

“Totally. I wouldn’t give this up for anything in the world.”

She sighed and leaned back onto the couch, sighing again. Her hand went down to lean on her belly and she looked at him, smiling slightly. He wished nothing but the best for these two, these people who had almost given their lives for the safety of their friends, Elena had even given her hands for it. Coulson really hoped that they could be happy now.

“What about the gym, though?”

“That’s something you have to figure out with Mack. I can’t help you with that.”

She nodded. They were both silent for a while, just enjoying the calmth, and Coulson thought amusedly that soon enough Elena and Mack wouldn’t have quiet anymore.

“We’ll support you two, if you want us to. You know that.”

“Thanks.”

They settled for some coffee, Coulson scolding her for drinking the beverage while pregnant, but he knew she wouldn’t listen to those pleas. She was a grown woman, and she would be a magnificent mother.

 

~...~

 

With the never ending enthusiasm of her son and the endless tales of Blair and Jaine, May would sometimes forget that time did pass by, fortunately. She hadn’t been young to begin with when she’d had Josh, but with each of his birthdays she realized she was getting close to ages she wasn’t sure she was comfortable reaching. Luckily, though, she was still fit, as she had always insisted on working out and staying in shape, and even now, in retirement, she still visited the gym regularly. Just to keep her stamina up so she could chase Josh if he ran off to god knows where.

The first time she actually realized that she was getting, well, old, was when Josh had made her something that he proudly showed off one afternoon after getting home from school, and she looked at the gift, but couldn’t for the life of her read what was written on the outside of it. 

Phil had caught onto it, of course, even though May brushed it off and acted happy, pleasing little Josh. (She was happy with the gift, so it wasn’t really acting.) 

When they were getting ready for bed, after May had tucked Josh in, she settled into Phil’s side in their bed and looked over his shoulder at the book he was reading. He was wearing his glasses, but he’d had them for quite some time now. He usually wore contacts and so the sight of him with glasses, especially in the beginning of their relationship, was quite a sight to behold. She knew it was ridiculous, but she found his glasses... incredibly sexy. 

The letters seemed to be the correct size, as Phil had no trouble reading the pages and turning them every once in a while. He hummed at some passages, but May couldn’t for the life of her read the same words he was reading. 

“Phil?”

“Hmm?”

“When did you know you needed glasses?”

He looked up from his book but not at her. Instead, he looked at a spot ahead of him, thinking for a few moments, before turning his head to her side.

“When I was no longer able to read the license plates on the cars in front of me. I went to the optometrist and he issued me glasses straight away and it was like seeing new colors.” 

“Hmm.”

“Why are you asking?”

“I dunno.”

He was silent for a while but then focused on his book. She thought that he would leave well enough alone, and she was content to just lean against him like this and watch him enjoy his literature, but he spoke again.

“You can have your sight tested, Mel.”

She actually huffed. How dare he imply that her eyesight was bad?

“There’s nothing wrong in admitting that you’re getting older. I had to change my prescription just a month ago because I’m  _ also _ getting older. Luckily, we’re getting older. I can’t think of the, uh, alternative…” He let that sentence drift off and she held onto his arm, burrowing a little closer than she already was. “I can join you, if you’re scared of going.”

“ _ Scared _ ?”

He gave her a look and she couldn’t fight the smile that crept up - she wasn’t really scared of going to the optometrist, per se, she was more scared of how life could creep up on you like that, making the years pass by ever so quickly. She still remembered first meeting him, his head full with hair (she still chuckled at the memory of the few little hairs above his upper lip that he had dared call a ‘moustache’) and his face smooth, a life yet to be lived and suffered, no matter how depressing the thought could make them. They had been through so much, they had known each other for close to forty years now, and she hardly knew herself without him anymore. 

“We can go tomorrow.”

“Don’t push me.”

“I’m not pushing. I’m just offering to help.”

She nodded and sighed. He was right. He was only trying to help, and she was once again pushing him away like she always had. Just before she let her anger at herself get out of hand, he kissed her cheek and she practically melted.

“Thank you,” she whispered. 

He put the book down and turned towards her, cupping her face with his hands and kissing her lips, softly, sweet, after all these years of having him in her life like this, she would never get enough of kissing him, his lips against hers, showing her his love and trust, his devotion. He could kiss her and the world just fell away, like nothing existed in this world but him, his lips, his arms, his heartbeat close to hers. It didn’t take long until their kiss got heated and she already had her fingers around the hem of his sleepshirt when they heard some rummaging from the corridor - Josh. 

When they pulled away, he stared into her eyes a little longer, his blues even darting down to her lips, and she wondered how, as she was approaching the big ‘60’, she could still feel like a teenager madly in love, stealing kisses here and there, getting into trouble with their…  _ romantic _ escapades. 

“The tough life of a parent,” he muttered, and she cracked a smile. For a moment, they both moved to get up, but he pushed her back down. “I’ll have a look. You stay right here. Don’t fall asleep.”

She smiled and watched him leave the bedroom, only to hear an overly excited and apologetic voice echo through the adjacent rooms.

“I wasn’t doing anything, Daddy, I was just-”

She zoned out as she leaned against the pillows and looked at his book. Some historical novel or nonfiction, she guessed, seeing as she didn’t recognize the title.

Hmm. Perhaps he was right. She should accept the fact that she was getting older - many people in this universe didn’t have that privilege, and she briefly thought of all the friends they had lost, family. Yes, she was getting older, and yes, her body was, too, but was that really a bad thing?

 

~...~

 

Daisy was a romantic at heart, though most people would disagree. She just wanted someone to cuddle up against, that wasn't too much to ask for, right? After her long history of dead boyfriends or Hydra crushes, she had a lot of trouble putting her trust into a relationship, but Matt seemed to show her that she could trust him.

Matt would pick her up at eight - he was taking her out for dinner and she had donned her best dress, and she couldn't deny that the prospect of spending an entire evening in his company was causing her to feel butterflies in her belly. Which was stupid, wasn't it? Because she was an adult so she should be above this. 

When she came downstairs all dolled up, she saw her little family smile at her, although Phil remained mainly stoic on the couch.

“He must really mean a lot if you pulled out  _ that _ dress,” May joked. May was getting soft, or maybe she always had been and had Bahrain and SHIELD in general just hid that precious ruby from public view. Phil had known what to do with May, and it had resulted in this marvelous woman who was so sweet and thoughtful, even though she still preferred to be that tough woman she had always been. Just for appearances sake.

“When he's here, tell him to come inside.”

“Why?”

May looked at Phil, who was suddenly fidgeting a lot, holding Josh to his chest while they were watching Spongebob together.

“He wants to see what kind of man Matt is.”

“Oh no, don't tell me that he's going to go full protective Dad mode.”

“Yep.”

Daisy cringed and May nearly laughed, when the bell rang, and suddenly Daisy regretted everything that had led up to this moment. She cared about Phil but she didn't want him to scare Matt away. She really liked him, and he liked her, so that was a surprise. And neither of them had died yet, which was the real shocker.

“Don't scare him off,” Daisy warned, and Phil shrugged.

“I can't promise anything.”

“I really like him, Phil. Isn't that enough?”

“We'll see.”

Phil shook Matt’s hand with a critical look on his face, as though judging to see if he was resilient to stress. Matt knew Phil wasn't really her dad but he knew that he and May had adopted her, knew how much they meant to each other. He knew Phil had always regarded Daisy as his daughter, so when he had offered to pick her up at her parents place, he had known that he would be judged to see if he was any good to date Daisy.   


Daisy, of course, didn't agree with this turn of action, but when she moved to interrupt the awkward encounter, May stopped her.   


"Nice to meet you, Mr. Coulson."   


"Is it?"   


Matt didn't move a muscle at Phil's seemingly hostile comment. He was probably used to it, but how, Daisy didn't know. He merely nodded in response.   


"Daisy has told me so many good things about you." He turned to May. "You too, Mrs. Coulson."   


"Look, we can pretend we like each other but I think it's a given that I dislike you on default,” Phil snapped.   


"I understand."   


"Only when you have proven yourself to Daisy will I consider to start liking you." Phil turned a little to face away from the rest. "She has been through a lot, okay? Just making sure she gets only the best, like she deserves."   


"I agree, Mr. Coulson. I would probably do the same if I ever have a daughter. Can't be too careful these days."   
Matt's words seemed to have hit something pleasant because Phil's eyes started twinkling just briefly.    


"Alright. Well, just so you know, if you ever hurt her in any way, I will rip your heart right out of your chest." And with his robot arm, that wasn't an empty promise.   


"Understood, Mr. Coulson. Thank you for your trust. I have only good intentions for your daughter, just so you know."   


Matt and Phil nodded at each other, before the former focused all his attention on Daisy, the reason he was there in the first place. He kissed her cheek, whispered how beautiful she looked, then escorted her outside with a gentle hand on the small of her back.   


"He seems nice," Matt said, albeit jokingly, and Daisy laughed while she got in the car.    


"I'm just glad he had a son. I can't allow someone else to be put through something like that."   


"He means well, Daisy. He just wants to see you happy."   


"Whatever," she mumbled, knowing he was right. She had simply never expected someone to care about her like this, to want to protect her against the evils of the world, against bad boyfriends. But Phil cared about her like that, and it meant... the world to her.

On the doorstep of the Coulson’s, Phil watched Matt and Daisy drive off for their much deserved dinner. His wife wrapped a gentle arm around his waist.

“Did you  _ have _ to scare him like that?”

“Just wanted to see if he was serious about dating Daisy.”

“What’s your conclusion?”

He looked down at her. Matt was a nice guy, but Phil didn’t know a lot about him. He knew Matt was younger than Daisy by a few years but that didn’t seem to matter to either of them. Phil also knew (and heard) that Matt came from Ireland, but he wasn’t really sure what that would mean for Daisy. But most of all, Phil knew that look Matt had thrown Daisy’s way - he was completely enamored of her, just like Phil was completely in love with the woman who had her arm wrapped around him at that very moment. It was all he really wanted for Daisy. “He’s serious, alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so this story is definitely turning into a FAMILY fic pretty quickly, considering more and more kids are born, but I just felt like this would be the reality, if nobody is killed in the show and they decide to just lay low, they would want to start families. I know May and Coulson are out of the question in a way, but Fitzsimmons will definitely have a kid, and Yo-Yo has actually talked in the show about how she wants to start a family with Mack, so there is definitely a future there.   
> Also, I envision Matt as a blond/slightly redheaded man, with an Irish accent (because he's from Ireland, don't ask me why), and he's the sweetest ever and exactly the kind of man I want Daisy to be with. I don't want her to be with a bad boy, even though she generally settles for that. Just let her have a sweet, thoughtful gentleman. (Also, FYI: Matt will NOT die in this fic. I won't put Daisy through that again. Lincoln was more than enough.)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May loves a house full of kids, and Coulson takes care of the kids for a day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're still alive and doing well! This chapter will feature all the kids (and a new face), and the second half was inspired by agentspacegoon who suggested it might be time to see some troublemaking kids, so there you go! I tried my best :)  
> Also, last bit, definitely not proofread, I just wrote that on the spot and decided to throw it in before I would regret it, so I apologize for any errors and hope you'll enjoy it anyway!

May had always cherished her silence and solitude, which is why she had really loved her morning routine of thai chi before some good green tea to start the day properly.

But after becoming a mom, while still enjoying some peace and quiet, to wake up with a TV on way too loud downstairs, some curious feet tapping away - it was really all she needed. To know that Josh was out there, enjoying himself, still alive and hopefully in one piece, that was all the confirmation she really needed.

A house full of them, however, was the best feeling in the world. Fitzsimmons were out on a romantic weekend together, after having admitted that they _really_ needed some time apart from the kids, and so Blair and Jaine had been so incredibly excited to spend some time with their grandparents again. Admittedly, May still wasn’t really sure about the title, but she was technically their grandmother, so who was she to correct them on it?

Even the littlest one, Bonnie, only four months, had tagged along - not that she had much choice in the matter, but after Jemma had offered to have someone else babysit the baby while the Coulson’s took in the older kids, May had protested almost angrily. She liked the prospect of having a little baby to look after again, even with the smelly diapers and the crying at night. (Although, if May could believe Jemma, the little girl slept through the night like a, well, a baby. May was quite envious, considering Josh had spent many nights waking them up just so he could see their faces again. Then again, May had had only one baby, and Jemma had three.)

So now, the house was full, and May loved the buzz, Josh and his nieces playing some board game together while Bonnie spent most of her afternoon kicking towards the play mobile above her head and occasionally calling out for attention.

“Do you want some lemonade?” May offered, impressed with how well the kids were getting along. In the past, playtime hadn’t really been this peaceful, but then again, the kids had been younger and Jaine had been so young and frightened she had lashed out against the world. Despite her young age, she seemed to have accepted this life as a deaf person and was trying her utmost best to fit in with the rest, which meant that she could lipread quite well, and her ASL vocabulary had increased immensely since the last time they had seen each other.

Her parents had provided her with some hearing aids, but they all knew it wasn’t really doing anything extra except give the girl headaches. That’s why May wasn’t surprised to find the aids lying peculiarly in Jaine’s lap, surrounded by the petticoat the girl was wearing, and May knew she had to pay attention that the aids wouldn’t be lying on the floor, just in case Bonnie decided to crawl ahead of time.

Josh and Blair nodded, with some ‘thank yous’ muttered between the concentrated moves they were making in the game. Jaine didn’t respond, and it wasn’t a surprise, because she was too caught up in the game to have noticed that May was talking to her, too. May knelt beside the girl and tapped her shoulder, so the girl would look at her.

_“Do you want some lemonade?”_

May noticed Jaine’s eyes darting down to May’s lips, and it proved to her that the girl was really learning and trying her best, and that it was working, because she had looked straight past May’s moving hands. Jaine had to know that within her family, most people could use ASL by now, but outside that, in the scary big world, not everybody was fortunate to have that means of communicating with their peers. Therefore, she knew that she had to be able to read lips, too.

“Yes, please.”

When May returned with the (plastic) cups, she waited a few moments to observe the scene in front of her. Blair was taking control of the game, it apparently not having moved along as quickly as it should have.

 _“Jaine, it’s your turn,”_ Blair signed. Jaine looked at her big sister from those big green eyes and shook her head.

_“No. It’s Josh’s turn.”_

Josh, in his defense, also shook his head. _“No, we went counter-clockwise. Blair, it’s definitely you.”_

May watched the scene unfold, impressed that all three kids were able to communicate in this way that allowed all of them to join the conversation, but then Jaine jumped up and flipped the board around, sending all the chips on top of it flying across the kitchen.

“Jaine!” May exclaimed, but the girl just jumped up and ran off, leaving the rest to quickly pick up the pieces, literally. “What went wrong there?”

Blair and Josh shrugged. May sighed and when all the chips were collected, she set out in search of the little, troubled girl, who was lying in her bed. The two had a special guest room with a bunk bed, and unsurprisingly, the two had fought over who would get the top bunk. Oldest called dibs, so now Jaine was burying her face underneath the pillow in the bottom bed.

When May sat down beside the girl and put her hand on her back, Jaine rushed into her arms and started crying. It had been a while since May had seen the little girl like this, and for a moment she had thought that maybe her sadness had passed, like her distrust in the world had seemingly flown into the wind, but the girl was still sad, so apparently nothing had changed yet. Then again, she was still only a kid. She was allowed to feel like this.

_“Why are you sad?”_

Jaine shrugged, rubbing at her eyes. _“I will never be normal.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because I’m deaf.”_

_“Alright. You’re right.”_ Jaine nodded against May’s upper arm, those green eyes looking at her with just plain sadness, May’s heart broke like it so often did. _“Why do you want to be normal, though?”_

_“I just want to be able to talk.”_

_“But we’re talking now, aren’t we?”_

_“It's not the same.”_

May wrapped her arms tightly around Jaine and hugged her close, feeling so sad for this little girl who was still, despite having an open mind and accepting her handicap, feeling incredibly left out. She would always be considered different and nothing could change that.

_“I love you so much, Jaine. I love a little different.”_

Jaine chuckled a little and it made May feel a little better. And it was the truth - who in their little makeshift family wasn’t different?

~...~

“Alright, you stay out here and don’t do anything stupid while I’ll go grab some things.” The looks on the kids’ faces didn’t fill him with confidence, but it just had to do, because he was running out of time, supposed have dinner on the table in half an hour but he kept getting distracted by the stupidest things, much to the joy of the three kids tagging along with him.

He knew it was a bad idea the moment he stepped into the supermarket, leaving the kids behind in front of the entrance next to the Disney themed claw machine, but somehow, he’d had trust in his son to manage the situation accordingly. He wasn’t stupid enough, however, to leave baby Bonnie with the kids, knowing he shouldn’t trust them with the safety of an infant, and pushed the pram frantically in front of him while he grabbed the last ingredients for their meal.

Tonight had to be perfect. It marked their six year wedding anniversary, and while he wouldn’t have minded to have the night alone with Melinda, it seemed fitting to have all the kids stay with them for the weekend. They had been doing it for far too long, managing a group of innocent little kids, be it Josh and his nieces, or Fitzsimmons and Daisy, so it wasn’t all too wrong. Anyway, they could make up for this lost time when Fitzsimmons would take in Josh in return for their babysitting in a few weeks.

He was quite a good cook, he knew, but Josh was quite a picky eater and Blair had a cow milk allergy, so all the good recipes that he knew for such a festivity could be thrown out the window. For a moment, he had thought of going to McDonald’s, promising Melinda a splendid dinner sometime in the future, but it had to be tonight, he knew, because they didn’t often get the chance to take their time with dinner. So, he decided on chicken with cauliflower and olives (knowing full well Josh would put his olives on the edge of his plate), knowing the presentation of a dish could earn it half of its fancy credits.

Bonnie chuckled, and he was certain she was laughing at him, but she was just too cute to be angry at, a literal copy of Fitz if Coulson had ever seen one, and he simply smiled at the little girl and brushed her tiny hands.

“Don’t tell Wàipó that I basically screwed up this entire day.”

She clapped in her hands with that big grin on her face and Coulson almost felt good about himself.

He had taken the kids out to a massive indoor playground he had been wanting to visit for ages, since it had been built about a year ago, but Josh claimed he was too big for it, and the girls were not at their place nearly enough for him to go. Now, Melinda was having a girl’s day out with Daisy (not their first, but she would always deny it being a ‘girl’s day out’, because it would imply her being feminine and god forbid she would let herself be pampered every once in a while). To his credit, the kids had quite loved the playground, although Coulson was certain they had several bruises on their bodies by now, especially Blair and Josh having played too rough. Jaine had simply followed their lead, but she did seem to have had a lot of fun.

He had, however, completely lost track of time, somewhere in between feeding Bonnie her bottle and getting Jaine to the bathroom in time before peeing in her pants (she was immensely proud she could use the bathroom, and he hadn’t wanted to break her bubble by making her wear a diaper - he had known at the time he would regret it). He had basically pulled them out by their ears and rushed them all to their nearest mall to get some last minute groceries. To think he had even planned on having the kids look presentable for dinner… he almost made himself laugh.

When he returned to the entrance, however, he knew he was definitely dead, as he laid eyes on the three kids that were showing in technicolor all the ways Melinda would kill him.

Little Jaine was inside the claw machine, her curls in disarray around her head, and Josh and Blair were yelling at her, apparently telling her which plushies to throw into the hole.

He was so dead. He was so glad he had his will all typed out on his laptop at home. Melinda would get most of his belongings, a few things would be pushed to Daisy…

“How the hell did you manage this?” he exclaimed, pushing the pram against the wall and pushing the brake into active, before turning to the two older kids currently looking very guiltily at him, knowing full well what they had done was wrong.

Coulson couldn’t say he was surprised - individually, Josh and Blair were quite sweet, not getting into trouble much, but when they were working together they were the ultimate troublemaking pair, and it had often resulted in extremely embarrassing conversations with security officers or parents. He knew they had been raised well, both of them, so he wondered where this naughty streak came from. (His best guess: it starts with a D and rhymes with ‘lazy’...)

“Okay, get your sister out of there, right now!”

Blair got an ever bigger blush on her cheeks as she frantically signed to her sister to get out of the machine. Coulson’s eyes crossed with Josh’s for a moment. The boy was telling him without words that he was sorry, and-

“Please don’t tell Mommy!”

“I will tell Mommy every single detail over dinner tonight, I promise you that!”

Josh gave up his attempts to help his baby niece escape the contraption and instead ran to his father to grab both his wrists. Tears were already in his eyes, and Coulson wondered whether the boy was really afraid of Melinda punishing him or just afraid of the prospect of his mother being disappointed in him. Probably both. She had gotten some traits from _her_ mother, after all.

“Please don’t, Daddy. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for Jaine to get hurt! I just wanted that Olaf plushie and you had my pocket money and I knew you would have said no if I had asked and then I just did it and I’M SORRY!”

“Alright, alright.”

Most of Coulson’s anger had diminished at seeing his son in tears like that, knowing it could be a manipulation, but he knew his boy and knew that he wouldn’t intentionally hurt anybody, especially not his nieces. His tears weren’t crocodile tears - they were real.

Anyway, most of this situation was to blame on Coulson. He shouldn’t have left these kids unsupervised, but in his haste to get his groceries, knowing they would distract him and run off to God knows where, he had decided he could trust them and leave them alone. Guess he wouldn’t be doing that again.

“Go help get Jaine out,” Coulson said, pushing Josh towards the machine and watching his son assist however he could.

 _“Dive with your hands first,”_ Josh signed, after having properly wrecked his brain for a few seconds on the best strategy. Jaine’s eyes widened and she shook both her head and her hands frantically. _“I’ll catch you, I promise.”_

The girl was obviously terrified now, even though she had quite enjoyed being inside the machine when she could throw out one plushie after the other, but it was apparent that she trusted her big sister and nephew, and after several aborted attempts, the three kids finally managed to get Jaine out, just as a security officer approached them.

“Sir, we were in a pickle but we handled it,” Coulson instantly started to explain. “We’ll be returning all the plushies, no worries.”

“But-” Blair started, earning her a push in the side from Josh, who was an expert at getting out of sticky situations.

“No worries,” Josh repeated his father, and they all nodded, gathering the plushies and handing them to the man. He seemed satisfied with their answer and left, casting one last glance behind him before disappearing.

Coulson looked at the three kids, knowing he had no right to discipline 66% of these kids, especially not in public, but wanting them to know that what they did was completely wrong, and honestly a felony.

“You oughta be real glad that nice officer decided to let this slide,” he started, crossing his arms. Then, seeing their guilty expression, just sighed and lowered onto his knees in front of them, gathering them close. “Just don’t ever do that again, alright? That was very naughty, and we’re better than that.”

All three nodded, and he knew these kids, could tell they were sincere.

“I won’t tell Wàipó if you won’t.”

Perhaps that naughty streak wasn’t just to blame on Daisy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, Coulson is not really incapable of taking care of kids, I think he would just be overwhelmed a little, and they would take advantage of that, and I guess they can be quite naughty. Of course, they won't try this with Mama May, who would just kill them on the spot. I think it was fun to explore a different side to these kids, don't you think?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Daisy finds out something that will change her life forever, and Josh stays with Daisy for the weekend and they have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so this is where this fic gets extremely silly. I realized that Daisy is supposedly 36 at this point in the fic, and she doesn't even have a family yet, not that she's actively trying to have one but, you know. So, this chapter will change that. Enjoy!  
> Also, this chapter is very long, but I couldn't split it in two. So, just enjoy this extra long chapter!

Daisy stormed into their home one Saturday morning, while they were having breakfast, dressed in her work clothes, as if she had come straight from her office.

“Oh my god,” Daisy mumbled, in shock, and May was already up on her feet to rush towards the young woman.

“Hi Dee,” Josh stated excitedly, and May saw from the corner of her eyes that Phil was already keeping him in place. The boy would usually jump into Daisy’s arms if they saw each other, or at least touch her hand or arm, but even without knowing what Daisy was here to tell them, she knew the little boy wouldn't be helping.

May pulled Daisy with her into the master bedroom and Daisy had started crying at some point, and it would be cruel not to hug the girl so May pulled her close, her hands in Daisy’s hair hopefully reassuring her that they would stay together.

“What's wrong, baby?” The term of endearment just slipped from her lips, but she didn't regret it in the slightest, because as it turns out, that was what pulled the truth out of Daisy.

“I'm pregnant, Mama.”

May froze to the floor, both because of how Daisy had called her and the news that had preceded the title, but her arms remained around her not-so-little girl. Oh. Daisy had never called her this. And that was so not the point at that moment.

“I was feeling odd and I didn't know what it could be so I decided to just let it run its course but then Matt wondered when my last period had been because I get so cranky you know and then it clicked and I took a test and I came here immediately and, oh god. I can't be a mother.” She was sobbing and ranting and half of the words that were coming out of her mouth were unintelligible. 

“Wait, back up. You're pregnant?”

Daisy reached into her coat and got out the pregnancy test. May let go of Daisy with one arm while the other was still tightly around her, not allowing her to leave even if she wanted to. They would figure this out.

It was positive, alright. May immediately thought back to her own moment in which she found out she was pregnant, and she would have done anything to reverse it, but mostly she just really wanted someone to be there with her, besides Phil. Her mother was always so far away, from no fault of either of them, to be honest, but she knew she would have handled the situation so much better if her mother had been there.

“Okay, don't panic,” was the first thing May could think about. “We'll figure this out.”

“What's there to figure out? I'm pregnant and I would be the worst mother ever. I can't do it.”

“Baby, slow down.” She pushed Daisy towards the bed and made her sit down, and she went down quickly to get some water. Phil looked at her with worry in his blue eyes, and Josh seemed to understand that something was off, too.

“I, uh, I'll come back.”

Phil nodded and moved to get up. “Can I help?”

“No. Uh, just stay with Josh.”

She found Daisy in the same position she had left her, probably in some sort of shock, and May brushed the girl’s hair out of her face before handing her the water.

“Just take a deep breath before you make any rash decisions. Have you talked to Matt yet?”

Daisy shook her head. It touched May that in her shock, she would come to her first, but he deserved to know, as the father of the child - at least, she hoped, but Daisy wasn't someone to sleep around with just anybody. Matt McCarthy was a good man, so if he was the father, he would support Daisy. Otherwise, May would never have vouched for him to start dating Daisy. (Phil liked to believe that he had had the deciding vote, but she knew better.)

It was soon, though, but she realized that was rich coming from her. She had hooked up with Phil and within weeks she was pregnant, but then she had known him almost all her life, so perhaps that was a little more acceptable. 

“He'll hate me.”

“Hate you? For what? He had an equal part in this.”

“I know. But everything is always my fault.”

“No it's not. Take a breath.”

“Mama…,” Daisy whimpered.

This poor young woman needed a mother, and since a few months, that was officially May. It didn't change anything when the papers had been filed, but it did May well to know that Daisy Johnson was now officially her and Phil’s daughter.

“I'm here. I'm here, Daisy.”

And she held her crying baby, her own heart breaking as she saw the impact this news had on Daisy - she was terrified. Daisy was sure she would screw up, and that pained May, because if anything, Daisy’s relationship with Josh, and nieces, had only proven that she would be an excellent mother. She wouldn't have to do it alone, there were multiple people who were willing to help her out, if only Daisy could see that. 

She calmed down eventually, the brunt of her shock worn off, and May moved them up the bed, so they could lean against the headboard. Daisy took her familiar place against May’s chest. If anyone had told her when she was younger that she would have an adopted, adult daughter who was still finding comfort in her embrace, she would probably have laughed at them. But right here she was doing just that, as though she had comforted Daisy like this since her birth, as though baby Daisy recognized May’s heartbeat from when she was never in her womb.

“You want me to talk about my own pregnancy?”

Daisy hesitated but nodded eventually.

“You know, I was terrified when I learned I was pregnant,” May started. “I was certain I was incapable of being a mother. But Josh was coming, one way or another. No woman is ever prepared for motherhood, but I promise you, it's the best job in the world.” She knew she was using more or less the same words her own mother had used when she had had this similar conversation with her, but it had managed to calm May down, so surely it could do the same for Daisy. “And I was still so certain that I would be a bad mother, that I didn't even  _ want _ to be a mother, but when I saw that little baby Josh on the ultrasound, I just knew… I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world. And I started feeling him kick inside my belly… and Phil started feeling him kick, too… I wouldn't have been able to do it without Phil, though. He was my biggest support… still is. And I hope that Matt can be that for you, too.”

“I'm afraid to tell him.”

“You'll have to, eventually. Or do you want to get rid of the baby?”

“No! No, no, I, uh… I don't think so.”

“Then he'll find out soon enough. You can't hide it forever.” She remembered her own pregnant belly, and while she thought of the memory with fondness, the fact that she been basically immobilized by the size of it hadn't been so pleasant. In the last few weeks of her pregnancy, Phil had stayed by her side permanently, because even getting up out of a chair was an impossible task. She appreciated Phil’s kindness, and she had only fallen in love with him more, mixed with the prospect that they would have a baby soon enough. 

“I want to hide it.”

“I know. But you remember my belly.”

“You were pregnant for four months before you told us.”

“Hey, don't get the wrong ideas here, Daisy. I knew that I would be keeping the baby. I knew that Phil would stay by my side. You can't hide it from Matt for this long.”

“Just a little longer…”

Daisy cuddled closer and May sighed and did the same. Stubborn Daisy Johnson, but she was very much still in shock. There would be time to announce this news.

“I'll always be there for you. I promise.”

They cuddled for a while, until Daisy moved out of May’s arms and straightened her clothes.

“You okay?” May asked.

Daisy nodded. “I want to tell Phil.”

Now, May nodded. Together, hand in hand, they went into the kitchen and told Phil and Josh the news.

May still couldn't really believe it. Her daughter was now becoming a mother herself. It was difficult to comprehend, but Daisy was kind, selfless, respectful. She would make an excellent mother, even if she didn't see it herself. May would make sure to show her.

 

~...~

 

From a young age, Josh Coulson knew that he didn't have a normal family - after all, his aunts and uncles flew spaceships, his big sister had superpowers, his father had a robot hand and his mother was basically a ninja. (At least, so he'd heard from Daisy, because he had never seen her in action.) He also knew his family was tight, they would protect each other with their lives and it made him feel super loved, right there in the middle of it all with Blair and Jaine and Bonnie.

Knowing how tight his family was made it a bizarre revelation that other families weren't as tight, that they fought and argued and altogether wanted to kill each other. 

His friend Jason, for example, was living with his parents, also an only child, but he mentioned often that his parents would get angry at each other often. Jason would get scared, and he had once come over to Josh all on his own, and Josh had hid him in his bedroom afraid that his parents would send him back, but instead his Mommy had just sighed, made them lemonade and they had watched a movie together.

Josh loved his parents. He couldn't imagine that other parents weren't as good as his, like Jason who was  _ scared _ of his parents. 

He finished his sandwich ages ago but waited for Spongebob to finish, then picked up his plate to move it to the kitchen. Just as he passed the corner, he saw his Mommy standing at the kitchen counter, turning to his Daddy, who was smiling at her. Josh loved to see his parents smile, especially at each other. When Mommy smiled, Daddy would automatically smile too. Daddy had explained once that Mommy wouldn't smile much in the past, but luckily that was different now.

“All I'm saying is, I think it would be good training for her. It's one thing to babysit him for an afternoon. It's another to have him for a weekend,” Daddy said.

“You just want to snatch me away to have your wicked ways with.”

“Damn straight.”

Mommy laughed and Daddy kissed her, and Josh could see how Mommy hugged him. Josh hoped he would find a Mommy like Daddy had, who was beautiful and funny and very strong and very  _ very _ sweet.

“Where are you going?” Josh asked when he stepped out of the shadows to clean up his plate. Mommy and Daddy didn't even try to jump away, not like Daisy and her boyfriend had done when Josh had caught them kissing. Mommy and Daddy had kissed many times before, and neither them nor Josh were embarrassed when they did. Daddy’s arms remained around Mommy’s waist.

They looked at him, then at each other, and it was Mommy who stepped away first, only to take the plate from Josh, clear it out, and lift him onto the kitchen counter. She pressed a brief kiss to his cheek. Mommy always cut right to the chase, something she had gotten from Grandma Lian.

“Daddy and I are thinking of going away for a weekend. And we were wondering if you would be okay with staying with Daisy then. You can say no, and you can think about it.”

Daddy stepped next to Mommy, a hand on her hip.

“We think you're ready for it. You're almost eight, after all.”

“And it would be good practice for Daisy, considering she will have a baby soon.”

Mommy and Daddy looked at him expectantly, their faces open and honest, and he knew he could tell them anything - so he did.

“I don't want Daisy to have a baby.”

Their faces changed, but he didn't know why and what they changed into.

“Why not?” Mommy asked him.

“I don't want her to change.”

“But she won't change too much. I promise.”

“But Daddy said that you changed too when I was in your belly-" His voice caught and he felt the tears come up. No! He was a big boy. He wouldn't cry. However, Mommy’s hand brushing his cheek made the tears come anyway. “I don't want her to change!”

Mommy pulled him in for a hug and he cried in her arms. He was such a coward. He was seven. Mommy and Daddy thought that he was a big boy. But here he was, crying like a whiny baby.

A baby. Daisy would have a baby. He really didn't want her to have a baby. He didn't want to share her with anyone else.

“Oh, baby,” Mommy whispered, and even Daddy stepped in to help hug him, until he was in Daddy’s arms and Mommy pressed close to Josh’s back. He liked being sandwiched in between Mommy and Daddy.

“Hey, bud,” Daddy whispered, “you remember that I said that Mommy changed, but you seem to have forgotten that I said that she has gotten even better than before.”

“No! But Daisy is already perfect! She is funny and she always knows what to say and she's a really good hugger! You are too but it's different. And she's really smart, like, really smart because she helps me with my homework and she always thinks of the best stories that we can play and I don't want that to stop!”

“But it doesn't have to stop. It's not like she's leaving. She's just having a baby. She can still play with you, you just have to share her with the baby, is all,” Mommy explained. Josh shook his head. That was the whole point.

“I don't want to share her.”

“But my baby, that is life. I know it's hard. Daddy didn't want to share me with you either before you were born, but look at us now. And you're sharing Blair with Jaine, and Bonnie, and you're doing a really good job at that.”

“I guess…”

“And I'm sure that Daisy wouldn't want to stop playing with you. She's your big sister, after all.”

Josh pulled away and looked at Daddy, then Mommy, who were looking at her in a way he had seen before but couldn't quite place yet (he would later learn it was something close to pride). Daddy kissed his cheek, and he didn't do that as often as Mommy did, so it brought a smile to Josh’s face.

“So, how about that offer? You can stay with Daisy for a whole weekend, teach her how to change a diaper, you can do all the bad things you two do when you're together,” Mommy said, smile on her face.

“Like eat a lot of pizza?”

“Sure.”

“I love pizza! When are you leaving?” He only hoped that Matt, Daisy’s boyfriend, wouldn't be there. Josh didn't really like him.

His parents laughed and both kissed his cheeks. He didn't know why they were laughing but he did like their kisses. 

Two weeks later, Mommy and Daddy dropped him off at Daisy’s with many kisses, but Josh didn't really pay attention to it all. He was looking forward to playing with Daisy, and that they did, until they were both exhausted and they decided to go to bed. However, in the quiet of the boring guest room, he suddenly felt cold and lonely. He had been alone with Daisy often in the past, but it was always in their house and it was usually just an afternoon, maybe an evening, and then Mommy and Daddy would come home and tuck him in, too. But he suddenly realized that they wouldn't be coming to tuck him in, and he was worried that they weren't going to come back home at all. He loved Daisy but he didn't want to live with her forever!

He remembered what Daddy had told him before they had gone to Daisy’s home -  _ if you ever feel sad, Daisy will help you. You can trust her. _

He grabbed his plushie Bacon and went up to Daisy’s room, pushing open the door to find her asleep already. Matt had decided to stay with friends, Daisy had explained, so they would be alone together. Josh didn't want to wake her up but he felt so lonely and scared, so he decided that it was probably okay to sleep in her bed. He often did that with Mommy and Daddy when he was scared at home, and when Daisy had lived with them, he had even sometimes climbed into her bed, but that had been different. He had been way younger and Daisy didn't have a baby in her belly.

“Josh?”

“Oh my goodness, I'm sorry, I didn't want to wake you up!”

He had startled so much that he felt the familiar tears present themselves and he realized that his parents had been wrong - he was not a big boy. He was still a baby.

“Hey, J-dog, what's up?”

Daisy was sitting up now and before he knew it, he had wrapped his arms around her and he was hugging her tightly, crying against her neck. He could feel her baby belly poke his tummy.

“Hey, why are you sad?”

“Mommy and Daddy are never going to come back and I'm going to have to live with you forever and ever and you will have the baby come out and you will love him more than me and you will forget about me and then I will be all alo-"

Daisy put her hand over his mouth to stop his endless talking, something Mommy said he had gotten from Daddy, and Josh cried even more. He didn't want to lose his big sister too.

“You silly,” she whispered, brushing the falling tears off his cheeks. It calmed him down a little. Not enough. She kept talking. “Mom and Dad  _ are _ going to come back, I promise. They miss you, a lot.”

“How do you know?”

“Mom called me to ask how you were, after I tucked you in. So they were thinking about you.”

That calmed him down further. So they would come back, just as they had promised. 

“And what was it about the baby you said?”

“I don't want you to change, Dee. Daddy said Mommy changed when I was in her belly. I don't want you to change.”

“But my sweet Josh, I will change. I will be the baby’s Mommy, which I'm not right now. But I will still be your big sister. That will never ever change. And I will always love you, always.”

“But you won't get to play with me anymore! Just like Blair when Jaine came out of Auntie Jemma’s belly. I will have no one to play with!”

“You can play with my baby, when they're old enough. But you can still play with Blair and Jaine, and you know that. You just have to ask. And even if they are together, it doesn't mean they'll say no to playing with you. I know they love to play with you.”

“How do you know?”

Daisy smiled. “Because they told me. When I told them that I was going to have a baby, they couldn't stop talking about how they were going to love the baby so much, and that they were going to play with them so much just like they play with you. And they were so happy that there would be an even amount of kids so that nobody had to be excluded anymore.”

“Oh.”

Daisy chuckled and pulled him closer, brushing his tears away (he had finally stopped crying), and for the first time since he found out she had a baby in her belly, he didn't feel sad or angry when he felt her belly poke him.

“You get sad about the silliest things,” she whispered. “You're quite sensitive, aren't you?”

“Sensitive? What's that mean?”

“Never mind. Say, J-dog, you want to touch the baby?”

“But he's in your belly!”

“Yes, true, nice observation.” 

Josh chuckled and so did Daisy.

“They're big enough to feel them kick sometimes.”

“There are two?”

“No? Why do you ask?”

“Because you said ‘them’.”

“Oh, that. Well, I don't know if it's a baby boy or baby girl, so usually people use them to talk about the baby.”

“Well, I think it's a he.”

“You do?” He nodded and she smiled, grabbing his hands and putting it against her belly. “You just say that because you want it to be a boy.”

“Maybe.”

Josh wanted to say something else but then he felt something push against his hand, quite firmly, and he startled and pulled his hand away, but Daisy put it back with a soft smile on her lips.

“Is that the baby?”

She nodded, and he focused on the feeling, the pushing becoming a lot firmer, and it felt kind of weird but also nice, he couldn't really explain it yet.

“It feels funny.”

“It does, doesn't it?” Daisy left his hands alone, knowing he would keep them on her belly, so she brushed her belly lovingly, Josh looking at the image with wonder. 

He didn't want her to be someone's Mommy, he wanted her to stay his big sister, but she would be a good Mommy. Maybe even as good as his Mommy. 

“When you were in Mommy’s belly,” she whispered, “you would often kick against my hand just like this. I was a little scared, too, of meeting you, of becoming your big sister. But Mommy always made me feel calm, promising me that you would always love me, even if I didn't love you at first, or would be overwhelmed, or whatever. Mommy loved you so much already and she had never even met you before and I didn't understand. But now… I do. Not only do I know that she was right, you know, about you loving me, and me loving you, I now also know what it's like to have a baby in my belly. And I know you're scared that I won't love you anymore, and I understand that, but… please trust me when I say that I will always,  _ always _ , love you. My baby brother. My only brother. Nothing will ever change that.”

Daisy had started crying somewhere in that speech and it caught him off guard, she didn't often cry, but he knew when she did it had to mean a lot. He did the same to her as she had done to him, brush her cheeks, wipe her tears away, and she smiled through it. He didn't want her to be sad. He hated the idea that he had somehow made her sad.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because I just love you so much. And because the baby is making me do that.”

“He can do that?”

Daisy chuckled and shrugged. “It will be easier to explain when you're older.”

“Okay.” 

They sat in silence and he put his hand against her belly again, but he didn't feel the baby kick anymore. Maybe he had fallen asleep, something Josh should do, too.

“Daisy? Can I stay in your bed?”

“Of course, J-dog. Just don't pull all the covers towards you.”

He chuckled and Daisy lay down, opening the sheets so he could slip in beside her, and they cuddled up like old times, when he had been smaller, and she didn't have a baby in her belly, but it still felt good, she was a good sister, and her arms were really quite strong. Like Mommy. And Daddy.

“I can't promise anything,” he teased, and Daisy laughed and he cuddled even closer, he loved her so much, and he trusted her, so if she said that she would still be there when the baby was there, then he would believe her. He would, however, enjoy what time he had left with her, alone, without a baby.

“I love you, Dee.”

“I love you too, J-dog.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Josh might have a crush on Daisy, you know, in that way kids have crushes on each other in their younger years. It's mostly just his protectiveness and that normal reaction we all get when we find out we have to share someone we didn't need to share before. Anyway, who can blame Josh from finding Daisy perfect? She kinda is.   
> (Also, wanted to focus a little on how May and Coulson are obviously still in love with each other, and how Josh is totally used to them kissing. I think it's important for kids to know about romantic love early on, and the best example in that area is of course their parents. Josh has parents who love each other, and this way, he will know what to look for later on in life.)  
> Please let me know what your thoughts are, they are really appreciated, especially considering I took a completely different turn with the story in this chapter!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May has a song stuck in her head, and Coulson gets a tattoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do admit, this somewhat of a filler chapter, but in my opinion, still some sweet moments. Mostly focusing on Philinda in this, with Josh obviously in the background.

Josh watched so many movies on his free days, whenever he wasn’t playing outside, that May hardly kept track of any of the storylines. She had started to watch some together with him, but the timelines just got confusing sometimes because she wasn’t even half as much into the story as Josh was.

There was one movie, however, that he kept returning to every once in a while - Moana. May didn’t know why it was his favorite movie, although May herself really liked the story of a strong, young girl who fought to protect her people and succeeded. And it was a nicely made movie, the graphics were really good.

Perhaps one of the reasons why Josh liked it so much is that it didn’t focus on a love interest between the main character and some witty or hilarious side character, who often ended up betraying her but apologizing in the end. Josh wasn’t heartless but he didn’t like romance yet - he was _eight_.

He had watched the movie twice that day, and normally she wouldn’t allow him to watch that much TV in one day, but he was sick and he couldn’t really do anything else anyway. She had settled into the couch beside him and had waited for him to crawl into her arms like he usually did, and he hesitated but did it anyway. His poor, fragile body wanted to give him strength to laugh at the jokes and sing along with the songs, but he didn’t have the energy.

She had tucked him into bed earlier than usual, and he didn’t even protest, but just closed his eyes and was gone within seconds. She needed to calm herself down a little, because her natural worry always won over from her logic - he was just a kid, and he was strong. A simple flu wouldn’t really do him any harm, he just needed to rest.

She stood in the shower and heard Phil messing about in the bathroom a little, until he decided to poke his head around the shower door with that cheeky grin she had fallen so much in love with.

“You okay?”

“You perv,” she teased, pushing him away. He just shrugged and stepped out of sight.

“I’m married to you. I’m allowed to look.”

A while later, and she was still standing underneath the jets of water, the temperature had long ago sunk to unpleasant digits, but she was just thinking of her baby son, who started to hate her calling him baby but who would still secretly smile whenever she did. Her thoughts were rarely about anything else, and maybe she did spend too much time with him and she needed some adult talk, but what would she talk about besides Josh? He was her entire life, she was retired and he was her dayjob, had been since the moment he had been born, and she had always told herself she wouldn’t be a stay-at-home mom, but she loved every minute of it. Technically, not really a stay-at-home mom, because that would imply that she gave up her work to care for the kids, and she hadn’t given up her work - she had retired. Massive difference. And she was technically still employed, even though she came into SHIELD on a ‘let’s see if I care today’ basis.

She hadn’t noticed she had started singing softly until Phil came into the bathroom again with the matching words.

_“See the line where the sky meets the sea, it calls me-”_

She stopped singing but he didn’t, and he pretended not to have heard that she had stopped, but she knew he wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t the best singer but it still sounded kind of… pleasant. He had sung to Josh before, when he had been younger, especially to calm him down after a temper tantrum, and she guessed she had never appreciated how easy it was for him to calm Josh down - and her, for that matter.

She poked her head around the shower door this time, to find he was just doing his standard nighttime routine, which included applying some moisturizer he always stole from her and brushing his nearly non-existent hair. Hmm. She did like looking at him like this. And she knew he was well aware that she was looking at him.

_“I see what’s happening, yeah,_

_You’re face to face with greatness and it’s strange.”_

She knew what he was doing. His smug smile confirmed it and she pushed the stall closed, continuing what she had been doing before he had so rudely interrupted her with his, his, _smugness_. He kept continuing the song and it became increasingly more difficult not to chuckle at his antics.

_“_ _I know it's a lot: the hair, the bod!_

_When you're staring at a demigod.”_

“Phil, don’t be ridiculous-”

_“WHAT CAN I SAY EXCEPT YOU’RE WELCOME,_

_For the tides, the sun, the sky.”_

Just ignore him, that was always the best option in these situations. Don’t give him attention and he would eventually stop. She reached out for her towel and stepped out of the stall, to find him holding his toothbrush like a microphone, and she just couldn’t keep it in anymore. She laughed, possibly at the top of her lungs, and it only spurred him on, until he grabbed her by her upper arms and they were dancing together to that god awful song from their son’s favorite movie that was catchy and annoying at the same time.

“My feet are wet, Phil, I’ll fall.”

That seemed to catch his attention, and while he still bopped along to that tune in his head, he let her go and returned to the sink, his eyes still twinkling.  

She had once seen him madly serious, influenced negatively by the pull of life, the strain constant loss could put on a person. But in the past nine years, she’d had the honor of seeing the best side to him, scars and prosthetic hand and all.

She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, resting her head against his back and hearing how he still mumbled along to the song, mainly in his head.

“I love you,” she whispered. She doubted he had even heard it, but she knew he knew of her love.

 

~…~

 

She really actually couldn’t believe how comfortable she was with him, even after all these years of being married to him. He had always been such a talker, never managing to shut up, not even when they were approaching life or death situations, but a few years into their marriage, they had just… run out of things to say. And while it had scared her to hear him be silent, she really could appreciate to just lie back in his arms on the couch after successfully managing to get Josh to bed, have him rest his hands on her belly and her head against his shoulder. They weren’t getting nearly enough time together and they really should take more time for each other.

“I’m thinking about getting a tattoo.”

He had said some truly surprising things over the years, proposing some crazy things that had turned out to be really enjoyable (like spending what days he had left on Tahiti together, and now they had been together for nearly a decade, with a kid), but this just had to be the most incredible thing he had ever said.

“What?”

“A tattoo. I’m thinking about getting a tattoo.”

“But… why?”

“Why not?”

“What would it be about then?”

“I have some ideas in my head. I have thought this through, you know. Just wanted to run it by you.”

She was silent for a while, sometimes looking up at him to judge how serious he was. He was _very_ serious, apparently, because after a few silent minutes, he pulled out his phone and showed her a picture of someone’s forearm with Roman numerals in a slick, thin font. The skin around the tattoo was fiery red and a flare of worry washed over her before they even continued talking about this. She didn’t want him to hurt. But it seemed he didn’t mind.

“I could put our wedding date, maybe… I was thinking of getting Josh’s birthdate as well.”

“Why?”

He was silent once again, and while she had grown to love the quiet that they could comfortably hold, right in that moment, she’d had enough of it. She turned, straddling his hips, yet not as fluidly as she used to. Her arms automatically rested around his neck.

“You two are the most important people in my life… and… well, you have gone through hell and back having our little wonder… I thought… and perhaps it was stupid, but I thought… I could at least return the favor. Like the few stretch marks on your belly are permanent scars of your… unconditional love, I guess… I could bear some scars, too. I want to. Not because I like to be in pain, but…”

She listened to his explanation with patience and understanding, and she fell in love with him a little more than she already was. She put a hand to his cheek and he closed his eyes in bliss.

“I want to carry you with me, even when you’re not there with me. Both of you.”

She nodded. “It will probably hurt, though.”

She thought back to her Academy days, when in a drunken stupor she had almost gotten a tattoo of some random fling that she didn’t even know the name of anymore, and it had taken one of her friends to drag her out of the tattoo shop and talk some sense into her that she had realized that she probably shouldn’t be tattooing just anybody onto her skin. She had never revisited the idea, the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind until just now.

“I hope it will. I mean… I guess.”

“Are you sure you’re not into masochism?”

That brought out a chuckle in him and together they smiled until they spoke again.

“I’ll keep it civilized,” he whispered. “I won’t get an entire sleeve. Or whatever they call it.”

She nodded and kissed him, forever amazed by how sweet and thoughtful he was. Every time she thought he was at his limits, he kept impressing her.

A week later, he was holding onto her hand as though he was dying, as though he had never experienced anything as painful as this sensation right here. She had a feeling most of it were theatrics, something he was very good at, but she had no doubt that it hurt at least a little bit. The artist was smiling at Phil’s pleas to stop, especially because Phil had claimed at the start not to stop for anything, and May couldn’t help but laugh a little at Phil’s reaction.

“I regret everything,” he whispered while the artist, Pam, got some more ink.

“That’s how I felt when I gave birth to Josh.”

He nodded. It might be good for him, some pain, especially because he continuously felt like she was taking most of the brunt of having had their son, and he felt he could have done more to support her. She had no idea how he could have helped better than he had already done (his massages during her pregnancy were divine and she had often asked him even after Josh was born if he could rub some of her knots away) but she wasn’t about to complain about his attempts to ‘make things better’.

“While I don’t regret that we have Josh now,” he started, “I do still regret that you got pregnant the way you did. I was… in a completely wrong mindset, hell bent on dying, I guess. I never took your wants and needs into consideration. For that I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “You have already apologized for that, at length.”

“I know. It just doesn’t seem like it’s enough.”

Pam returned and smiled at the two of them once again. “Josh should be proud to have parents like you. My dad would never have done this for me.”

May smiled at her husband, who suddenly had way more courage now that this strong woman had also said how brave she thought he was.

Josh got a big scare when they came home, seeing his father’s entire right forearm wrapped in bandages, and perhaps he was too young to understand what was underneath it, and he would only get it until he could see for himself. May had seen the final result, even if Pam had warned that it might change a little as the ink settled in completely. May already loved just the mere idea of the tattoos, and all throughout the aftercare, she couldn’t stop looking at them, touching them gingerly while he was asleep, amazed by how proud he was to carry it with him, amazed by how important this felt to both of them.

It were three dates in a simple font, not in Roman numerals as he had wanted at first, but it looked even better than they had expected. When Pam had asked what meaning they held to him, he had explained casually.

_“The most important days of my life. The day I met the love of my life, and the days I met my daughter and son.”_

It really didn’t surprise her one bit that he had seemingly memorized what day they had met - she knew the year, roughly, but he knew the exact date and everything. When she had questioned him about it, he had just smiled and his eyes had melted.

“It was the first day of class, and I saw you walking down the hallway and I just knew… that you were special. I couldn’t have imagined we’d be here four decades later.”

She was lucky to have him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is actually incredibly important, as it will once again take this story into a whole new direction. Hope you're excited to find out what it is! :)  
> For those wondering, [this](http://tattoomagz.com/wp-content/uploads/Tattoos/Black-roman-numbers-date-tattoo-on-arm.jpg) is what I had in mind for Coulson's tattoo, but then just regular numbers. I know in his old age, it might be frowned upon, but I seriously think it's something he could do. At least, if it's about something he REALLY cares about.  
> (Also, of course Josh's favorite movie is Moana because it's basically my favorite, too. And course, Coulson would try to relate to The Rock, hehe.)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Josh asks the uncomfortable questions, and May and Coulson decide to give Josh what he has been wanting for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so here goes nothing! Remember when in one of the earlier chapters May and Coulson decided their family was perfect the way it was? Well, they're coming back to that statement now in this chapter. As always, hope you'll enjoy!

Josh always had so many uncomfortable questions after he had spent some time with Daisy, and May often wondered what the two were discussing when they were together, and why Daisy wasn't answering any of the questions that she was raising.

“Mommy, how are babies born?”

She thought of sugarcoating it, making something up to make it more age appropriate, but then she remembered when her mother had said that if they're old enough to ask the questions, they were old enough to hear the answers, too.

“Why are you asking?”

“Because you said that Daisy’s baby can be born soon, and I don't want to worry about Daisy.”

“Well, I can guarantee you that you don't have to worry about her.”

“Okay. But I still want to know how it works.”

“Fair enough. Sit down.”

Josh looked at her expectantly, and she knew she would disappoint him if she pulled back now. He deserved to know the truth, something she had sort of kept from him when Jemma had been pregnant with Jaine, and later, Bonnie, and he had asked about the process then but May had thought he was too young. But he was almost nine now. She would do him wrong to still see him as a little kid.

“So how do you think it works?”

“The baby comes from the belly button?”

“Almost, but not quite.”

And she explained everything, first keeping some of the details out of the picture, but she could tell that he was interested and not grossed out at all, not what she had expected. So when he was still a little confused, she threw in all the anatomic words, even using one of Phil’s turtlenecks and Josh’s plushie to recreate the movements, and when they fell silent, she looked at him.

She had never really had this talk with him, and now realized she probably should have. Like so many other topics, she had thought she could put it off for a while longer, but Josh was so curious, so she should have known he was pondering this. She did know, however, that it was best to wait until the kid started asking the questions. Otherwise, it could be quite uncomfortable. 

“Hmm. Okay. Is it painful?”

“Very. But it's worth it.”

“So if it's worth it, why don't you have another baby?”

“Because it doesn't work like that. I really still wish I could have had another baby.”

“But Mommy… why not? Why can Daisy and Auntie Jemma and Auntie Elena have babies and you can't?”

This would be a long day. She thought for a while about what she was going to say, but then decided to just start.

“So you know where the baby is, but you know how it gets there?”

Josh shook his head. “Tell me.”

“So a girl has eggs in her womb, and boys have seeds in their-"

“Penis! I know this one!” May just had to chuckle.

“Very good. Now, when a Mommy’s egg and a Daddy’s seed meet, they come together and that will be the baby in nine months. Now, girls are born with all the eggs they will ever have, they will not grow new ones. And when they reach a certain age, they start to have their periods, which basically means a lot of eggs will be shed by the uterus. This starts in puberty and will last all the way until the eggs are all gone, which is many many years later, and that is the moment when the woman will no longer be able to have a baby, because all her eggs are gone. And that is the case with me. I don't have any more eggs.”

“But doesn't Daddy have seeds?”

“Of course, boys can grow new seeds, but there's no egg to meet. Without an egg, or without a seed, there will never be a baby.”

“Ooooh…” She let the information sink in, forever amazed by this little boy who was so smart and inquisitive and always wanted to know the finer details to things before judging something or someone. He would never really go into an argument without knowing what he was talking about, except for the few temper tantrums he had. 

“So that's why Aunt Piper can't have babies with her wife? Because there's no boy seeds?”

“Exactly.”

“Can't Daddy give them some?”

May probably lost all color in her face, knowing that Josh had no idea what he had just said, but suddenly she felt a familiar hand on her shoulder. 

“It is usually a Mommy and Daddy who have a baby together like that. A Mommy and a Mommy, they can borrow some seed from another man, but it is usually not someone they know,” Phil explained, having saved May’s life. She looked at him briefly, to question how long he had been standing close enough to hear their conversation. It was probably long enough.

“And two Daddies?”

“They ask a woman to help create their baby. You know, the egg and the seed. The woman then grows the baby for them.”

“Isn't she a Mommy then, too?”

“Of course, a little bit. Because she made the baby. But the baby is for the Daddies.”

“But it hurts, doesn't it? Mommy said that the birth hurts. So why would the Mommy give away her baby if it hurt so much for the baby to be born?”

“That's a good question. I think she just really wants the Daddies to have a baby.”

Josh turned to May again, determination in his eyes.

“So isn't there a woman to make a baby for you?”

She didn't have an answer to that. She had thought of adoption a lot, she and Phil had discussed it time and time again until they both decided that their family was okay just the way it was. But recently, like Josh, she just had… cravings. She didn't know a better word for it. She wanted another little baby to hold and snuggle close and to be a baby sibling for Josh, support and honestly a toy to play with in the younger years.

She looked at Phil, who wasn't looking at her with good reason, she guessed.

“Oh, uhm… I'm sorry. I won't ask for a baby sibling again.”

May shook her head and pulled him to her chest, cuddling him close, her baby. She sometimes forgot that, with the years passed he had grown into a big boy now, but he was still her baby, he had been in her belly, she had birthed him, went through intense pains to do so, had nursed and changed him, and had hugged him close to her bosom whenever she could. Her little baby.

She had always promised to give Josh anything he wanted, of course well within reason, but she couldn't give him his biggest desire - to be a big brother. There was nothing she would rather give him, nothing he would ask for besides that. 

“My baby,” she whispered, “I know you want a sibling, but I love to love you just like this. A baby sibling is cute but a lot of work, and it's really no fun for you. You'll have to share us. We'll have to take care of the baby a lot.”

“Was I your last egg, Mommy?” Josh asked, changing the subject. It seemed that he had noticed he had struck a nerve.

“One of the last, yes.” Maybe even the last. Who knew?

“Figures. I'm always late.”

May laughed, her arms tightening around him. He was so sweet and empathetic. He always knew how to break moments like these - with humor.

Phil kissed her in a late kind of greeting, and she smiled against his lips.

“We'll talk some more later,” he whispered, softly, so only she could hear. She brushed his cheek.

Empathetic, just like his father.

 

~...~

 

She met him in bed, she was already under the covers and he slipped beside her like a giddy teen, and she was so used to that view now, he apparently was still not really used to sleeping beside her like this. They had been married almost nine years but he still acted like a lovesick idiot who would get to spend a first night together with his crush. 

They slipped in each other’s arms easily, her head resting on his chest while his chin rested against the top of her head. His arms held onto her tightly, as though she would disappear if he didn't. 

She looked at him, after a moment, her fingers gently pulling on his chin to make him look at her, too.

“About today…”

He shook his head and started brushing her hair, both his hands framing her face, and she loved it when he did this, she was completely at his mercy and he did not hurt her in the slightest. She'd had trust issues before but never with him.

“I saw it in your eyes, you know?” he started.

“What?”

“That you want a baby. And we've discussed it all before, I know,” he waved with his hand as though to dismiss his words right after he'd said them, “but today I realised.... why the hell not, Melinda? What are we waiting for?”

“What do you mean?”

“Let's adopt a child. We've wanted it forever, a baby brother or sister for Josh. We're not the youngest but we're doing well so far with our little boy. So what's stopping us?”

She looked at him, wondering if he was serious, if he was even okay, because the previous times they had discussed it, they had both offered many reasons ‘why not’. But now, it seemed he had decided to throw caution out the window? And all because of the conversation she'd had with Josh that day?

“We've been letting logic and reasoning run our lives for far too long. Josh was a surprise, and we thought we wouldn't be able to manage it, so really… I'm not going to let logic be the boss of me anymore. I'm going to let my heart speak for once.”

“Are you sure, Phil? Because god knows I've always wanted to say yes but I always thought you didn't want to.”

He grabbed her forearms and smiled at her, like the sun and the stars combined, so light, so beautiful, and she would fall to her knees in front of him, give him whatever he wanted, he was the most beautiful person she had ever known, inside and out. “Let's do it.”

So. They would have another child. She was already giddy with excitement at the prospect of it all.

 

~...~

 

It would be a long and expensive process, they knew that in advance, but they were in it for the long run and they had all the time in the world. Daisy claimed it was what made them such good parents, patience, but May just wouldn't really agree with that fully.

Daisy was doing well so far, almost exploding, though, so her doctor had prescribed bed rest for the last couple of weeks. She was slowly getting insane so May and Phil had sent Josh over often to keep her company, whenever they couldn't do it themselves, of course.

“I want you to know, Mr. and Mrs. Coulson, that this process you're about to enroll in is a long, painful one. It's confronting, confusing at times. I won't let you proceed unless you're absolutely certain.”

“We are,” Phil said, May grabbing his hand but more out of habit than anything else.

“And you're certain that your, uh,  _ age _ , won't be a problem?”

May wanted to say something but Phil squeezed her hand to stop her. Probably a wise decision. He had them sometimes.

“We have a little boy of eight at home. It's not a problem for him. My wife especially has always been fit, living healthy and working out regularly, it pays off now.”

The woman looked at them from over the edge of her reading glasses perched peculiarly on the tip of her nose. She was probably not much older than them, but May certainly didn't feel as old as the woman looked.

“Alright. I saw you don't have any preferences filled in?”

Phil nodded. May decided to let him do the talking. After all, he was way better at that than her.

“We are open for anything, really. We did some research and we know for older couples like us it can be quite difficult to adopt domestically, so we are fully open to international adoption. Age, gender, country, it doesn't matter to us. We just want to be able to be parents to one little kid who really needs it.”

“Nice words, Mr. Coulson. Should stitch that on a pillow.” The tone was  _ not _ okay but when May looked at Phil, he was as calm as ever, not bothered at all. He was quite amazing.

“Would you prefer Africa or maybe,” the woman looked at May for a little too long, “Asia?”

Phil shrugged, not letting the somewhat hurtful tone of the woman get to him. “Like I said: open for anything.”

“Right. Would you have the space for a handicapped child?”

“Not currently, but alterations could be made. We have a spare bedroom on the ground floor so we wouldn't have to alter that much.”

“Most orphans are not fully healthy to begin with.”

“We just want to make them happy, is all.”

“Hmm.”

The woman scribbled something down into her notebook, the silver bracelet around her wrist shaking almost violently with the movements she made. Phil looked at May briefly - it would all be okay. She could read it in his eyes. It would take a long time, but they would be okay.

“Well, certain countries are aligned with the Hague Adoption Convention, meaning the US government has to find you eligible to be an adoption parent before you can even start. India and China are part of that Convention. So that might take even longer. And you do know some couples are in the process for years without a proper match.”

“Listen,” Phil said, his voice still almost frighteningly calm, “my wife and I married when we were just into our fifties, but we knew each other before that. We waited for too long and as per a miracle we were blessed with a baby, but we would have had more if the universe or whatever had allowed us. Now we find our nest still too empty, our boy is sweet and lively but it just feels like something is missing. We can't have any children naturally, so… this is our only option. And we want to expand our family, with love and care and patience, which is what we can bring to the table. I know you've had doubts about us from the moment you've found out about our ages. But it has never been a problem with our boy, nor with the daughters of friends of ours, who are even younger. So please, can you set your initial judgments aside so that we can welcome another child into our lives? We would honestly want nothing more.”

The woman frowned, in anger, but seemed to have counted to ten. May was amazed by Phil, who had stood up for them and their wishes in the best way possible. She couldn't have asked for a better life partner.

“File the paperwork. We'll come back to you when we have a possible match.”

With that, they were dismissed, and when they stood in the reception area still shook by what had happened, May was the first to recover and wrap her arms around him.

“You were amazing in there.”

“I was?”

“Yes. It reminded me of when Josh was born. You wouldn't take no for an answer back then either. You even went against my mother.”

He smiled at the memory. “I get quite passionate about the things I really want.”

“I love that about you.” They kissed, keeping it PG because they knew most people were looking at them. They turned to the reception desk when they were finished. 

“You need to file the paperwork?” the young woman asked them, her face laced with sympathy.

May reached into her bag, putting all the forms in front of the woman. They had come prepared and on a mission.

“Hey,” the woman stopped them when they moved to leave, “don't let Thea get to your head. She's very passionate about these kids. She's just testing you, and she only gives people her time and energy if she believes they're worth it.”

That was food for thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it was awkward to have May explain everything like that to Josh, but he's a big boy and he needed to learn the truth before he would learn some lies from his friends (or TV).  
> Also, yeah! They're going to adopt! I know they're old(er), but they were in their early fifties when they had Josh, and they really are doing great, so who can blame them for wanting to expand their family a little more? (And yes, admittedly, little awkward that Daisy is also having a baby, but their family has always been weird, I guess...)  
> And I hope you noticed I threw in an old face in there... don't go denying that you like her, too, even though she tricked the team and was ultimately the reason Yo-Yo lost her arms... okay I totally get why you would hate her, but so far, Piper isn't featured or even mentioned in this story aside from this one time. Hope you can forgive me!  
> I would really appreciate some comments because I fear some of you have died or abandoned this fic... I know you can't give more than one kudo but comments are unlimited... ;)


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Daisy gives birth to her baby, and May and Coulson have a match in their adoption process.

Josh had been disappointed when Daisy had refused him from being at the birth of her baby, so Phil and May had decided to watch a video of a birth on YouTube instead. Never a good source, they knew that, but Josh was ever curious and he wouldn't stop asking.

To his credit, he was never grossed out. He looked at the images with interest and when the video had ended, they looked at him to judge for any signs that he was uncomfortable - they found none.

“Cool!” He cuddled into May’s side and kissed her cheek. He was always a sensitive boy, seeking out cuddles and kisses whenever possible, but the last time had been a while back. He kept defending that he was ‘almost nine, Mommy, I’m a big boy’, but nobody would blame him if in this world that was so big around him, he would want some loving from his parents. 

“What’s up, baby?” 

“You’re a superhero, Mommy.”

“Why is that?”

“That looked _really_ _really_ painful. And I came out of you like that. And you’re still alive. So, you’re a superhero.”

“It was painful, but I’ve got you now to make up for the pain.”

He smiled and kissed her cheek again. 

When Daisy went into labor and was moved to the hospital despite her birth plan explaining specifically she wanted a homebirth (there were unfortunately some complications), Josh insisted they go to the hospital and wait in the corridor, if needed, even after May and Phil explained to him that it could take ages for the baby to be born, and that it was okay to wait at home and watch some cartoons and go to the hospital once the baby was there. He was convinced his presence in the hospital was enough to help her through it - he was such a sweet boy.

Matt had come outside once, needing some air, but when he saw Josh, completely forgot about his initial plans. He went up to the little boy, knelt down to his level and talked about some things May didn’t know the origin of. Matt was a born father, it seemed, good with kids, even though he seemed scared at the thought that he would soon be an actual father. Josh had stayed with Daisy and Matt often, just curious about the growing baby in her belly, but May knew it also had to do with the fact that he just needed some sibling love. He had been rightfully wary of Matt at first, but the two had bonded considerably, it seemed, because while Josh had actively avoided Matt in the beginning, now the man’s hand was on Josh’s upper arm to comfort him and Josh didn’t even shy away a little.

Before they knew it, Matt had picked up Josh and had carried him into the delivery room. They heard Daisy protest before the door closed, and May and Phil were left alone on the quiet corridor. 

“Did he just kidnap our kid?” Phil asked, his voice teasing, and May smiled, then laughed at his silly face. They were sitting side by side, quite comfortably, their entwined hands on the arm rest between them, his free hand still covering hers. He sometimes brought their hands up to his lips, to kiss the top of her hand, and it still made her smile, after all these years.

“Thea found a match, you know,” May stated, looking ahead to the room Josh and Matt had disappeared into. “She called me right before we left.”

His hold on her hand tightened and she looked to him then. She was used to the sight of him incredibly happy, but it still made her smile. He was familiar. She had known him most of her life, and it sometimes shocked her to realize how long that actually was. He knew her better than she knew herself.

“Nothing is final. She’ll email us the details of the child before the end of the day. But she just wants us to consider it. They say it’s a toddler boy from India with slight autism. He needs someone patient and understanding.”

He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her instead, and automatically, she put her head on his shoulder, her hand reaching up to cup his cheek even though she couldn’t see his expression. Just as he was about to say something, Josh came storming out of the delivery room, the biggest smile ever on his face. May jumped up immediately, expecting some progress, but it was very soon clear to her that Josh just had one of his enthusiastic moods.

“Daisy let me adjust the bed, Mommy it was so cool! It goes up and down and up again and I swear, I want a bed like that too when I’m a grown up!” 

He jumped into his father’s lap, prompting a small groan from the latter when one of Josh’s knees landed on his stomach, but Phil wrapped his arms around the boy just the same.

“They’re really expensive, though,” Phil reasoned.

“I don’t care. I have pocket money.”

“So how’s Daisy?” May asked, her worry for her daughter overruling the enthusiasm of her son. She felt bad for just a moment, but then Josh seemed to realize what they were there for in the first place.

“Oh, yeah she’s in pain, Matt says it will take a while. Daisy once again said that we should probably go home.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“No way! There’s still so much I want to see!”

A couple of minutes later, he was sleeping in his father’s arms, exhausted beyond belief, and May decided to call it a day, but not before carefully walking into the room after knocking.

“Hey,” Daisy said, she was calm now but May knew the contractions had started. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too hard on her, and she would have one of those flash births. When May stood beside the bed, Daisy gingerly reached out for one of her hands, and they held each other, briefly.

“Any updates?”

“Midwife says it will take five hours at least. You can go home, if you want, I’ve got Matt.”

May shook her head. “I’m sending Phil home with Josh, he’s fast asleep. But I’m staying here with you.”

Daisy smiled and closed her eyes, resting her head against the pillow and sighing. May reached out to brush her damp hair out of her face.

“Thank god,” Daisy whispered, and May knew she would not leave this woman alone for anything, not now, not when she really needed her mother. May stepped outside for a few moments and saw her boys in the waiting room, Josh still asleep and Phil admiring their son, brushing his hair, his back.

“It will take ages. You go home with Josh, sleep some. I’ll stay here with Daisy.”

Phil nodded but before she moved to go back inside the room, Phil stood, Josh securely in his arms, and walked up to her. He kissed her lips.

“Call me if she’s getting close. I want to help somehow.”

She smiled and kissed him again. “You can help by letting our son sleep in his bed. Hey, and don’t go opening that email without me, okay? We’ll do it together.”

He nodded, a similar smile on his lips, and she kissed Josh’s forehead before pushing them away, knowing she wouldn’t allow them to leave if they stayed any longer.

She sat on the bed side by side with Daisy, talking about random things, their conversation interrupted by her contractions from time to time, so the chat never got very deep. Somewhere around midnight, the contractions got so close together that Daisy could hardly take a breath, but May forced her, holding her hand the entire time, knowing how much she had hurt Phil’s hand during Josh’s birth but willing to suffer to let Daisy feel a little better.

“I can’t do this anymore, May,” Daisy whispered, her face red, sticky with sweat, and Matt came in to press a damp cloth to her forehead. “Please just take me home.”

“I wish I could do that.”

“I’ll even sleep on the couch. Phil can make pancakes, I won’t even complain.”

“You’re in this for the long haul, Daisy, you knew that. You’re almost there, you just need to push and you’ll have your baby.”

“I don’t want a baby. Will you take my baby?” May was pretty sure most of Daisy’s words were just fuelled by the painkillers and the pain, and it briefly made May wonder what she had said herself almost nine years ago, but she knew it had been mostly insults anyway. 

“I won’t. They’re all yours.”

Another contraction came and May had to use all her own strength to keep Daisy’s hand from breaking all bones in both their bodies. Daisy was strong all on her own, but with her powers, it was very easy to hurt someone severely. It was okay, though, May had been through a lot worse so some broken bones were totally fine with her, if it meant that her daughter’s pain was diffused in a way.

“Mama,” Daisy whimpered, and May’s maternal instincts kicked in full force, like they so often did these days, like they always had for the past nine years or so. No, longer, because while she had technically been a mother for eight years, she had already been a mother to Daisy long before that. 

“I’m here, baby. You’re doing so great. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m sorry for quaking you.”

“What? When did you quake me?”

“After Gonzales was shot and Jiaying tricked us.”

“Why are you apologizing now?” She remembered, how could she forget? But she knew Daisy had been confused and scared back then, still went by the name Skye, and was just trying to get used to her new powers. It was a confusing time for all of them, but it was too long ago, probably over twelve years. Any action that needed apologising for had possibly expired by now, no longer needing to be atoned for.

“Because I hurt you while you said you didn’t want to hurt me. And I’m trying so hard right now not to hurt you but it’s so goddamn hard.”

“Then don’t hold back. Use that pain to your advantage. Remember what I told you when we trained together? You can never hurt yourself more than you can take. So go on. You won’t break, even though it feels like it.” 

They looked at each other for a few moments, and then Daisy seemed to take May’s advice, and she started pushing for real, audibly cursing herself for getting into this mess. Just as May feared that she was at the end of her wits, she heard the telltale sound of a newborn baby crying. For the first time during this trying ordeal, she realized that she had felt Daisy’s pain as her own, thrown back eight years ago, but she remembered when she had heard Josh cry for the first time, everything had fallen off of her shoulders. The exact same thing was happening right now to Daisy, May could see that, her shoulders slumping and her head falling back against the pillow while the biggest smile spread on her face, and May insisted on being the one to place the newborn on Daisy’s chest. The woman closed her arms around the baby and she was sucked into her own little world, and May let her, brushing tears from both their cheeks and making sure the baby was comfortable before stepping away to give them some space.

Now, her adoptive daughter was a mother herself. And at the same time, May was still considering adding another child to her own family, and it would probably not even feel weird, like so many other things in their lives should have felt weird but totally didn’t. 

She called Phil after a while.

“I opened the email,” he said instead of stating his name, as though he knew she would kill him for having committed that crime so it was best to just come out with it. But she found she wasn’t even angry, not really, because maybe she knew his curiosity would win over eventually, and despite the fact that Josh was home, the boy was asleep so Phil was practically alone. “He’s so beautiful, Mel. He’s five and he’s just so… gorgeous. And sweet, they state all these good things about him, how he’s protective and kind. He’s perfect.”

She felt the tears fall before she could stop them, not knowing why she was even crying in the first place, but everything was suddenly so overwhelming and she just needed to sit down and take a breath. Her daughter had just had a baby and she was getting so close to adopting another child into their family, and she had always known that she would remain childless for her entire life, straight out of the Academy she had known she would probably choose her career over a family, but here she was, with a family, a perfect husband, a strong daughter, her sweet baby boy, and hopefully another little boy on the way. How had she gotten this lucky? How had she defied all the odds stacked against her, the universe had so proudly planned for her to never have kids and yet still, she was greeted by them on a daily basis.

“Melinda? Are you okay?”

“It’s a girl,” she breathed, brushing the tears off her cheeks with her free hand, and she heard him gasp softly at the other end, as though he had forgotten why she was gone in the first place, and she realized he had probably been caught up in his own world, much like Daisy right after her daughter was born, with the prospect of the boy he had seen on the picture soon joining them. She thought back to when he had hung the mobile above Josh’s crib back at the Base, how gentle he had been with the item, how proud of what he had accomplished, and he had been so giddy then to meet their baby, and that feeling had never really left. “I love you.”

“Oh, I love you,” he breathed, and while they professed their love for each other on a daily basis (with their past, unfortunately you never knew which day would be your last), they had only ever professed it like this a handful of times over the years. Full of emotion, heart pouring over with love, the words strangled but so well-meant, so intimate between them, it brought out the best in her, like his gentle fingers were brushing her delicate heart, or tapping a rhythm into it, forever attaching him to her.

He was truly the best thing that had ever happened to her. And if he wouldn’t be there, all the things that she was careful not to take for granted now, they would all be non-existent. Daisy wouldn’t be their daughter, and Josh would never exist, and maybe they would never have met the team or Daisy in the first place. Without him, she would well and truly be a robot, and she would have been dead after Bahrain, despite Andrew’s best attempts at making life better for her. Without Phillip J. Coulson, she was truly nothing. Nothing at all. 

“Uh,” Phil said after a while, clearing his throat, and she could hear there were still tears in his voice, blocking his throat a little, as though the tears were keeping him from speaking his heart, “Josh just woke up. Can we come over?”

“Please,” was the only thing she could voice, her own tears blocking everything, too. 

“I’ll bring you some clean clothes.”

“Thank you, and Phil? Please drive safe.”

“Of course. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

~...~

 

Daisy Johnson was absolutely the best mother she could ever be. She was so gentle, sweet, holding her newborn daughter like she was the most precious thing on this earth, and May knew, in Daisy’s eyes, that was definitely true. May knew the feeling - nobody had been allowed to touch Josh in the first few weeks, except for Phil and her mother. She was so afraid someone would hurt him, but in the end she had realized that all the people she surrounded herself with also wouldn’t hurt her, so they would be gentle with her baby, too. Daisy still had a while to figure that all out.

May understood too that Daisy had doubts in the beginning, because May had had them, too. She hadn’t understood when her own mother had talked about her insecurities after May was born, but being a mother now too, assisting her daughter with her newborn girl, it all became so much more clear to her. 

Phil had showed up with Josh behind him, and while the boy had been all excitement before he had fallen asleep so abruptly, he was now a little timid, not used to a lot of babies and especially not one he had wanted to meet for so long. But when May lifted him onto the bed where Daisy was admiring her baby daughter, Josh forgot about all about his reservations and cuddled into her side, carefully, as Phil had instructed him. 

“Hi Daisy.”

“Hi J-dog.”

Josh looked at the sleeping baby, probably a million thoughts going round in that little head of his, and nobody could blame him. He looked at Daisy and she just smiled, and used her free hand to take his and carefully place it on the baby.

“Is he supposed to be this small?”   
“Yes, otherwise she wouldn’t fit.”

“She?” A pang of disappointment flashed over his face, and it was understandable, he was just a kid and he probably just wanted a boy to share his ‘boy-ness’ with. May met Phil’s eyes briefly, and maybe they were both thinking of the email, but she couldn’t really be sure about that. She was open for any age, gender or race, they had agreed on that, but secretly she wanted a son, just so Josh wouldn’t feel so lonely in this family of girls. It was only getting worse with every baby that was born. Maybe later, he would appreciate that he wasn’t surrounded by girls all day long. 

“I’m sorry it’s not a boy,” Daisy whispered, brushing Josh’s cheek. He looked at her, then shrugged.

“‘S okay. She’s cute.”

“She is, isn’t she?” 

Together, they admired the new baby, and May just loved this view so much, and she knew she was a typical mom when she took out her phone and snapped a couple of pictures. Just for herself. Just to look at on a rainy day.

“What is her name?”

“Heather Isabella. But you can call her Heather.”

“Hi Heather. I’m Josh. I wish I could be your big brother but I’m really not. But I’ll be really sweet anyway.” 

There was no question about that, everybody present knew. Josh could be really tough, standing up if injustice was shown, but usually he was just really sweet.

“Can I hold her?”

“Of course. Just be gentle with her, alright? I know you can be gentle.”

He nodded, and Daisy showed him how to hold the baby, and then he was snuggled into Daisy’s side, his newborn niece (huh, he was technically her uncle, it would take some getting used to) in his arms. Things would turn out okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Heather! Welcome to the family!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Coulsons meet Mack and Yo-Yo's baby, and May and Coulson tell Josh the news that they'll be adopting.

Mack and Elena had kept their little baby to themselves for far longer than May probably should have wanted. It wasn’t that she felt she needed to see the little wonder, because really, she didn’t  _ need _ to, but she wanted to all the same. She had been anticipating the birth of Elena’s baby as much as Daisy’s baby, so to have physical contact with little Heather while she had never even met Mack and Elena’s child, ate at her insides.

She had grabbed Josh’s hand one afternoon, Phil’s hand entwined with the boy’s other hand, and surprisingly he had barely questioned them as they had gotten into their car, knowing the boy trusted them implicitly, she would never hurt him. Only when they had been on the road for about half an hour did he dare to ask her where they were going.

“We’re going to see Uncle Mack and Aunt Elena’s baby.”

“Do they know we’re coming?”

“No, they’ll only say we shouldn’t come.”

Josh was too young for these kind of affairs, and even though he was nine, when she looked back at him through the rearview mirror, she saw he had Bacon clutched tightly against his chest. 

Unsurprisingly, Elena opened the front door obviously not expecting any company, much less Melinda May, Phil Coulson and Josh. Nevertheless, the woman straightened her clothes with a smile and invited them in.

“I’m sorry for coming unannounced.”

Elena shook her head and went to prepare some tea. Josh helped her, probably to get rid of some of his discomfort at the situation. He didn’t get to see Mack and Elena quite as often as he did the rest of the family, mostly because these two really didn’t mind just being together - and everybody understood, after everything they had been through they deserved to be together. However, it didn’t really help with the bonding between them and their nieces and nephew. May wondered if little Bonnie, now about a year and a half, had ever even met them.

Not that Mack and Elena were complaining. They loved it.

“I understand why you did it,” Elena said, a little embarrassed that she had gone on for so long, only sending a card announcing their baby’s arrival. “I should have stayed more in touch.”

May waved her hand and looked at her son settling in beside his aunt, both his hands around the warm cup of tea. He didn’t really like tea, but considering his mother drank it often, he had sort of picked it up. 

“Never mind that. Where’s the little one? Is she awake?”

Elena sipped her tea, realizing in that moment she had only just heated the water and reared back, her tongue probably burned a little bit. “But she might wake up soon. I prefer to let her sleep, for now. You’re welcome to stay for dinner though, if you want.”

Josh beamed at that prospect, he always loved spending time with his family, especially his Aunt Elena because they didn’t get to meet up often. May made up her mind and already reached for her phone.

An hour later, she was sitting on the couch with a little baby in her arms, only just waking up a little, and May realized how much she loved looking at babies, how cute and tiny and fragile everything still was - the little nose, the tiny hands. Josh had had quite a lot of hair already after he was born, same as this little one she was holding right now. Blair and Jaine had been less fortunate when they were babies but they were catching up with that now, their wild, blonde curls flying all around their faces, and Bonnie would no doubt follow her big sisters’ examples. Heather would surely follow her father’s footsteps regarding hair.

“She’s so beautiful,” May whispered, and she noticed Josh carefully sitting down beside her, looking at the baby too. She was vastly different from Heather, maybe not the biggest surprise in the universe considering she had a black father and a Colombian mother, and it just made both girls so unbelievably beautiful to May, she wondered how all of her friends had managed to have such gorgeous babies.

Not that they weren’t gorgeous, either.

And she also wondered why they all had girls except for May. Not one boy had been born in their little family aside from Josh. Must be something in the water. 

“What is her name?” Josh asked. He had read the birth card, but because he hadn’t been able to put a face to the name, it hadn’t really stuck. May knew the name but she waited for Elena to formally introduce her. Maybe it was a little teasing, maybe it was a little bit showing that they missed them.

“Holly.” Elena sat down on the other side of May and brushed her daughter’s hair. “Holly Carla Hope.”

“Why three names? I only have two.”

Elena nodded and looked over May’s lap at her nephew. “Because Uncle Mack and I are both Catholic, and it’s typical for Catholics to have three names.”

Josh nodded in understanding and admired his baby niece again. May looked at Josh for a few moments, seeing joy but also a little disappointment in his face - just like when he met Heather, she could definitely tell that he hated that it was once again a girl. He just wanted a boy to play with, even though with how tomboyish Blair, especially, was, she wouldn’t play any different from boys, but it just wasn’t the same to Josh, May knew that. She thought of the little boy on the picture Thea had sent them, and she hoped, wished, damn near prayed that he could be what Josh had wanted all those years - a baby brother to play with, someone to relate to, even though they weren’t related.

“Carla was my mother’s name. She, uh, will never meet Holly. And Hope…” Elena looked at May who nodded, knowing where the name had come from. Even though it definitely was not Elena’s child, talking about Hope hurt her so much May could practically taste it on her tongue. Mack still very much missed Hope, although May knew he had told Elena that it wouldn’t change anything for them, together, and their child.

“I hope she will love my toys,” Josh said, making all of them smile faintly, and after getting permission from Elena, he brushed the girl’s cheeks. He might hate the fact that he was the only boy, but he was a very good protector of all his nieces.

 

~...~

 

Telling Josh that they were probably going to adopt a child felt oddly similar to telling Daisy that she was going to be a big sister, but at the same time it was largely different because May wouldn’t be carrying now, and Josh was just a kid, compared to Daisy who had been thirty when she had gotten the news.

Josh hadn’t asked about a sibling again after that one moment in which he had no doubt realized how painful the subject was, especially for May. She’d always had dreams of a family, multiple babies to love, so the idea that she could really only have one often pained her. But after they had started this process, she felt hope flutter in her belly - she would never get pregnant again, she knew that, but she might be able to have that family she had dreamed of after all. 

“Josh?”

During a commercial break watching some animated movie on a Saturday night, she suddenly felt the urge to tell him everything, with Phil’s arms around her supporting that notion. The boy had been sad, despite not touching the subject anymore, especially because most of his friends had baby siblings to take care of and Josh didn’t have that pleasure. 

He was about to go upstairs and brush his teeth so he could go straight to bed when the movie was finished, but her voice pulled him back, and he stood in front of them, leaning against the coffee table slightly. May pushed out of Phil’s hold slightly to focus on Josh completely.

“Yes, Mommy?”

“Remember when you were asking us if you could have a baby brother or sister?”

He nodded, sadness washing over his pretty little face. He acted tough, though, brushing it off quickly and squaring his shoulders. It only made her words come out of her faster.

“Well, while it’s still true that I can’t have a baby in my belly, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t other ways to have a child. Remember when Daisy explained about us adopting her?”

He nodded. “Daisy said it was just symbilic.” 

“Symbolic, yes, that’s true. Daisy is old enough to take care of herself, but I always felt like she was my child, so by adopting her, we made that official. But you can also adopt little children, or teens, who are orphans, for instance, or whose parents can’t take care of them anymore.”

“Okay.”

She was giving him some time to register the words, but it didn’t appear that he was putting two and two together.

“What I’m trying to say is… considering you really wanted a baby brother or sister… we’re going to adopt a child.”

These words held more impact, but it still took him a while to realize what it was that she was saying. When he understood the meaning, his shoulders slumped a little and his lips formed a pout. “Really?”

May nodded, holding out her hand and he rushed to her instantly and fell into her arms, already sobbing and she hoped it was due to happiness, because it was the only form of crying she could accept, from both Josh and Phil. Josh stayed in her arms for a while, crying about whatever it was that had upset him enough to bring out tears, until he felt he could talk again. He sat up, looking at her, and kissed her lips.

“Thank you,” he whispered. She smiled and brushed his hair out of his face. This was partly why they had started this process in the first place - Josh deserved to be a big brother, and he had waited so patiently to be one. The fact that she and Phil would have another child that way was an added bonus, although it was a big factor, too.

When she woke up the next morning, she heard careful feet outside her and Phil’s bedroom, and it surprised her a little - Josh hadn’t wanted to come into their room in a while, claiming that he was a big boy and that he didn’t need them to calm down. (He was also starting to protest her calling him ‘baby’, but she knew he secretly loved it.) 

She walked out and found him pacing the hallway, looking up at her when the door opened. He walked into her arms immediately.

“I didn’t mean to cry last night.”

She lifted him and carried him downstairs, even if he was getting slightly too big for her to carry him easily, not like she had carried him when he was still little. They sat on the couch together.

“You don’t have to feel bad for crying, Josh.”

“But I’m a big boy, I shouldn’t cry.”

“You know, even Daddy cries sometimes. And he’s the biggest of boys.”

Josh agreed with that second part, but seemed startled at the confession in the first part. He regarded both of them as superheroes, she knew that, and superheroes didn’t often show their weaknesses, but they definitely had them, and it was best Josh realized that eventually.

“What were you sad about that made you cry?”

“I wasn’t sad. I was happy.” He brushed her hair behind her shoulder and it made her smile - his father did that so often. “I’m sorry I asked about a baby sibling so much.”

“No apologies necessary, Josh. You know I can’t have a baby anymore, but I can do this, for you, for us.”

He nodded and they cuddled close on the couch, arms wrapped around each other tightly.

She thought of Jemma sometimes, and the fact that the woman often regarded herself as a ‘girl mom’. Of course, she was, but it felt a little odd to May to be assigning names like that. It would imply that girls were only soft and sweet and kind, and boys got into trouble and hurt themselves, and that those traits weren’t interchangeable. They definitely were. Blair and Jaine got into so much trouble, because they liked to test each other’s and their parents’ limits, they showed bruises on their legs from the many times they had tripped in the playground and had played roughhouse - Josh, on the other hand, loved to cuddle up in May’s arms, read books together and eat chocolate. To say that May was a boy mom and Jemma (or Daisy and Elena) a girl mom wasn’t technically incorrect, it just didn’t sound acceptable in May’s opinion. 

“We have some pictures of him. You want to see?”

“It’s a boy?”

May nodded, and the tears came back to Josh’s eyes, and May was reminded once again of how sensitive he actually was, despite appearances to the contrary. 

“I'll have a brother?”

“Yeah. Isn't that amazing, Josh?”

He nodded, a big smile spreading on his face, opposing the tears still rolling down his cheeks.

They spent all morning looking at the pictures Thea had sent them, the ones May had nearly framed - she was so excited to meet him, and hoped he would love her as much as she would no doubt love him.

"He's cute," Josh stated, looking at a picture of the little boy seemingly laughing at a joke. May smiled and ran a hand through Josh's hair - he would be such a good big brother, and she was so excited to make all this official.  “Where is he from?”

“India.”

“Oh, I don't know that country.”

“That's okay. I'm sure he'll teach you all about it when he gets here.”

“When does he get here?”

“Soon. You'll have enough time to prepare.” Josh nodded and May pulled him up from his position against her chest, always a fan-favorite among little kids (and Phil Coulson), to look him in the eye. “He might be a little scared when that moment comes.”

“Why would he be scared?”

“Well, because he'll be with people he doesn't know, in an unfamiliar country. We'll have to be very gentle and patient with him.”

“I can be very patient, Mommy.”

“I know you can. I'm counting on it.”

A few days later, she found him reading some educational book on India with an intense frown of concentration. She greeted him when she entered the room but he didn't even seem to notice. She smiled and went in search for her husband, instead. 

She couldn't wait to go get that little boy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also welcome to Holly! (And of course, late welcome to Blair, Jaine and Bonnie, but I thought that went without saying...)  
> Next chapter, they'll go get their new son!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May and Coulson go to India to pick up their son, and the little boy is introduced to his new family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for keeping you waiting! Here you go! Extra long chapter to celebrate the new arrival!

May couldn’t stop looking at the pictures on her phone, so precious to her, so gorgeous, perfect, everything she had ever fought for.

Picture number one was of Daisy, Josh and Heather, in the big hospital bed, all cuddled together, loving each other so deeply on such an impossibly high level, May never knew that people could feel that way, but she had realized many times since that moment that she’d felt like that too with Daisy on numerous occasions, and every day with Josh was a blessing to her, too, to feel his love, kindness, his sweet innocent soul pour into hers. She loved how he still showered her with kisses, even if he was around his friends. He always said he wanted to be big and strong but he knew that that didn’t have to include that you would shut out the people you loved - he had learned that from his father, but especially his Uncle Mack. Mack, the biggest person May had ever met, intimidating, too, but he was honestly the biggest teddy bear ever, so loving, caring, understanding. 

The second picture was of one little Indian boy, who she now knew as Dinesh, and she couldn’t believe she was on her way to meet him, it had taken them months to fill in the paperwork, to convince all the agencies and governments involved that they were serious about this and that they would not let him down. But from the moment Phil had shown her the picture, right after they had come home from the hospital after Heather was born, she was in love. It didn’t even change anything when she knew that he had autism and that he would be behind on his peers a lot - she would protect him to the best of her abilities, would love him and hug him and be the best mother she would want him to have. 

The pictures were also a way for her to shake off her annoyance during the flight - Phil had laughed at her before she had shot him a threatening glance and he wisely shut up. She didn't like not being the one to fly, and even though she knew commercial piloting was way different than what she had done during most of her SHIELD career, she still managed to pick up on things the captain should have done differently. The landing was hard and Phil had told her explicitly not to strangle the captain if he or she were standing at the aircraft door when they deboarded. She just told Phil that she could land the Zephyr gentler than this, and that was actually the biggest aircraft on earth. He just grabbed her hand while they deboarded, and that contact was the only reason she didn't say anything.

When safely in India, Phil’s hand closed around hers as they looked at the big, intimidating building that was the orphanage. She couldn’t believe so many little kids were here, waiting for a family, just… wasting away. She wished she could take them all home but she knew in her heart that that wasn’t the best thing for them, neither the kids nor her and Phil.

The doors opened and they were invited inside, and suddenly she remembered what Daisy had said about two years ago, when she had worried that Josh was targeted by racists - she had been in an orphanage, too, her birth parents unable to care for her, so she was dumped in a place similar to this, unceremoniously, no love or care, or at least not enough. She had explained that the nuns had been excessively mean to her because Daisy was trying to find herself and was revolting as a result. Her time there hadn’t been easy, but she had survived. May quite honestly was having a hard time imagining Daisy in a building much like this one, alone and scared and probably a little depressed. Luckily, they had each other now. Daisy finally had a mother and a father.

Phil stopped her when they were about to enter the building, and she looked at him, he was serious, no funny stuff. 

“Whatever happens in there,” he whispered, “I love you. And if it doesn’t click, it doesn’t click. Okay? We won’t force ourselves or him into this.”

She nodded. He was so strong. People often forgot that when they saw him, he was a nerd and he looked like it, but he wouldn’t let people walk all over him, and he especially wouldn’t let people walk over the ones he loved so dearly. That it was her he loved, that it was her he decided to protect from pain because he knew them, her, so well, it was still so comforting to her.

“You always know what to say.”

“I’ve known you basically all my life, Melinda. Don’t pretend I don’t know you better than anyone else ever will.”

She smiled and they kissed briefly, before they stepped into the orphanage, hand in hand, to meet their possible future son. She couldn’t believe this was happening, wasn’t she too old for this shit, still? She remembered she had thought that when she had been pregnant with Josh, and in hindsight she was right, but she wouldn’t have done it any other way, and now when she was about to meet little Dinesh, she still knew she was too old, way too old, but she had a lot of love to give and that just had to count, right?

When Dinesh came into the room, May just felt every inch in her body give itself to this little boy, he looked so happy but confused and scared at the same time.

The volunteers tried their best to explain to him what was happening, but how could you explain something like this? That these two strangers he had never even met were his parents now and they would take him away from the one place he had always known, that he probably felt safe at? 

“ ये आपके नए माता-पिता हैं, दिनेश। फिल और मेलिंडा।. ” May didn’t know what the kind woman was saying to him, just heard her and Phil’s name at the end, but Dinesh’s eyes seemed to fill with recognition and something akin to determination. He shook loose from the woman to approach his new parents.

May lowered herself to his level, carefully extended her hand to him, and he looked at her, she could swear she saw some recognition because Thea had explained that they had showed pictures of May and Phil. Dinesh hesitated, looked at her hand, then shuffled over to her, May had expected him to stand on a safe distance, to study her, but he kept coming closer, until their faces touched and their noses brushed against each other. He was being so gentle with her, like he just wanted to get to know her but on a different level than what she had expected, like he wanted to know how her face was made so he knew exactly what made it smile.

It was just too much. This little boy had only just met her, and yet it felt like they had always known each other, as though they had never done anything else, like they were supposed to be together. Maybe the boy knew that she would take care of him, that he was safe with her, because eventually their arms wrapped around each other and she promised him, without words, that she would protect him, forever and ever. He was her son, he already was. She had honestly not expected to have this close a bond already, to have a connection this strong. They were strangers, she had to remind herself. 

He was the first to pull back and they looked at each other. 

“Hi,” Dinesh said, such a brave little boy, he must be scared still but he was not letting it taint this. May knew he was old enough to realize the situation he was in, that he was an orphan and that they were here to care for him, but they were still pulling him away from this familiar, safe environment, and her heart nearly broke but then he smiled, just a tiny smile, but it was enough for her. 

“Hey,” she replied, softly, and she had wanted to keep herself from being too touchy-feely, to give him some time to adjust, but his warm greeting had made her throw all caution in the wind, so she reached out and brushed his hair. His eyes darted up, looking at her fingers, and then he smiled even brighter, touching her face, too.

“Are you my mother?” She would forget sometimes that English was one of the main spoken languages in India, especially in the younger generations. Hopefully, it would help to get Dinesh settled back in the States - there was already so much he had to get used to.

“I can be your mother if you want me to.”

He thought about that but didn’t respond in any way. She let him ponder, didn’t force him to do or say anything. He looked to her side, where Phil was kneeling down, too, and as May looked at him, she saw he was crying. Well. She had stayed strong, but she could imagine that such a greeting, after all the years they had spent talking about having another child, was too emotional for him, too.

Dinesh was a lot more wary of Phil, and she understood, had quite frankly expected him to be like that with both of them. But she hoped that the connection she had felt with Dinesh would help him bond with Phil, too. 

“I’m a little scared,” Dinesh whispered, his smiles gone, and May let him go briefly, before realizing that that wasn’t what the boy wanted at all, and he flew back into her arms, where she held him tightly, and didn’t let him go for seemingly the rest of the day.

“That’s okay,” May whispered. “I’m a little scared, too.”

That brought out one of those smiles again, and he leaned further into her hold.

The volunteers at the orphanage blessed them, especially May because she had such a natural bond with Dinesh, it seemed, and one elderly woman, kissed her cheeks multiple times and begged in broken English to take care of their Dinesh.

He would be missed, and May almost broke off the entire thing right there. But Dinesh’s arms around her neck reminded her that they could only move forward, if only for his sake, because to put him back in this environment was to go against what was best for him, and they knew it. He couldn’t have the future he deserved here, he couldn’t have the love of a family here, with all these kids she wondered if he even knew all their names. At least in their home, it could be quiet  _ and _ loud, just however he wanted it.

They spent the day getting to know each other, and Dinesh stayed clinging to her neck, and she accepted it happily, and she couldn’t explain it, but she just loved this little boy so much already, she could never let him go. 

They had to stay in India for a week, to get used to each other and make sure that the match was correct and that there was a bond. After that week, during the last night, Dinesh had climbed into their bed carefully, admitting he was feeling scared but also excited to be going ‘home’, and to meet his big brother, and they had cuddled together, the three of them. Even Phil got smiles, and after Dinesh had fallen asleep, he was clinging to Phil like he had to May all week long. It was enough confirmation that he was theirs, that they loved him and he loved them and that they were doing the right thing. 

“I can’t believe he is this easy,” Phil whispered, stroking the boy’s hair, and the picture just looked so… right. Thea had warned them that adoption could be hard, on them, on the child, and maybe when they were at home he would struggle, but so far he had shown them nothing but love and gratefulness.

“I can’t believe I fell in love so easily. I told myself not to get so attached too quickly. But look at us now.”

Phil smiled and they leaned in and kissed, and with the sleeping child between them, it was right. She had to stop realizing this. It was right, he was their son, and they would get to take him home tomorrow. 

“If someone had told me back at the Academy that this would be my life, I would have laughed in their faces,” Phil whispered, his smile still on his lips. It made her smile, too.

“Me too. I was so certain I wasn’t made for love.” 

“You definitely are. You were a natural with him. And with Josh. And… with me. I love how much you love me. I love how much I love you. I love that I get to go on this adventure with you, at my old age I still feel twenty.”

She chuckled, then sighed and melted in his arms. 

She was so happy. She couldn’t believe it. And she had been this happy for almost a decade, with him by her side, their baby boy jumping around their house, and this tiny boy in between them soon joining. Maybe now, after all these years, she could finally believe what Phil had been saying all along - she was worth it.

 

~...~

 

Going through airport security was always a hassle with Phillip Coulson - not to his fault, of course, but they automatically added about half an hour to their transfer time just to make sure they wouldn’t miss their connection. Prosthetic limbs were one thing - a robot hand was completely different.

Dinesh hadn’t let go of May’s hand once, even when they were supposed to go in the scanners separately. He would fuss and flash her those deep brown eyes, and she would do anything for him, even begging the security officer that they go through the scanner together. It was too early for Dinesh to separate from her, the boy was just getting used to them and he had admitted he had never been outside of his town before. Airports were far outside of his comfort zone, too big and massive. May's maternal instinct caused her to never let go of his hand, promised him that she would stay with him. 

But Phil managed to bring some humor into the situation when he saw the boy was on the verge of crying. He looked at Dinesh, then expertly detached his hand and casually put it in the bin, revealing the mechanics that were powering his hand just below his elbow.

May had seen Dinesh look at the metal on Phil’s forearm where the two parts came together, but perhaps he had been too scared or confused to ask what it was.

“Wow.”

May thought for a moment that Dinesh would be freaked out by the sight, because she knew she had been. Then again, she had been there from the beginning, when it had just been a stump and his prosthetic looked nothing more than a gloved, stiff hand. Fitz had done a marvelous job, sometimes May would just forget, if Phil was wearing long-sleeved shirts. 

But after they had gone through the scanners and Phil was about to put it back, Dinesh let go of her hand to look at his hand. Phil made sure they weren’t blocking the queue when he let the little boy inspect his arm a little more.

“You’re like Inspector Steel. Except it’s just your arm.”

Inspector Steel? One look at Phil’s face told her he didn’t know who that was, either, so it must be an Indian superhero of some sort. She vouched to buy some comics for them to read together.

Dinesh looked at Phil’s face, before reaching out to touch first his hand, then what used to be his stump.

“ दर्द हो रहा है क्या?”

“Hmm?”

“Does it hurt?”

“It used to. But not anymore. I do sometimes feel my fingers tingling, though.”

“But you don’t have any fingers anymore.”

“True. It’s called phantom limb pain.”

“Huh.  डरावना दिखता है.”  _ *Looks scary.* _

Phil put his hand back and adjusted it, moving the fingers a little to see if it was attached properly. Dinesh reached out to touch his hand again, and saw what May had seen all those years back - coding, like a computer trying to comprehend what a human touch would feel like, and May knew Phil couldn’t really feel this the way he should. She knew to her and Dinesh, the hand felt real. 

“Are you a superhero?” Dinesh asked, his voice low, as though he was trying to keep any possible secret identities hidden from the public. May just had to smile at that - he was so innocent and sweet.

“I might just be. Mommy would say I am.”

When she rolled her eyes at them when they looked at her, both boys chuckled, and it felt so incredibly good, to bring out a little of that in Dinesh, to allow him to laugh and be curious and have an incredible imagination. She couldn’t help but feel that this moment had broken the ice. 

Dinesh couldn’t stop talking about meeting Josh all the way home, at the airport in Delhi he had kept looking at pictures and videos of him that they had on their phone, in the airplane when he was snuggled into May’s side he talked about how he always wanted a family and how he didn’t have too high hopes for his brother but he at least had to be funny (at least, that is what May got out of it, because while the boy spoke English, Hindi was obviously his first language so the two mixed together a lot of the time, so now she understood what Phil must feel whenever she got angry and started cursing in Mandarin). At the airport back in the states, however, he was suddenly realizing what was happening, had never been outside of the country and was suddenly met by all these new impressions, and just as they collected their luggage, Dinesh fell into a full-on temper tantrum. May had forgotten for just a moment that the little boy was autistic, so all these stimulants and triggers were frying his brain. She cursed herself for forgetting that important factor.

“ मैं नहीं चाहता! Please! मुझे भारत वापस जाने दो!”

“I don’t know what you’re saying, Dinesh,” she admitted, looking at him crying and throwing himself on the floor. She didn’t know what to do, how to help him, and with Josh in situations like these she would just let him rage and exhaust himself before giving him a firm talking afterwards, but this little boy’s brain was wired a little differently, and she wasn’t sure if she could do that with him. He was very likely to hurt himself, and she didn’t want that memory to be there on his first day of being in the US.

May decided that she wanted to help her son, in whatever way she could and how he would let her. If he wanted to hug her when he was feeling bad, that was fine, if he wanted to be alone in his room, that was also fine. Right now, he was feeling bad and her heart was breaking and she just fell on the floor beside him onto her knees, and let him know she was there.

“Wǒ zài zhè. Bǎobèi, wǒ zài zhèlǐ.”  _ *I’m here. Baby, I’m here.* _

He looked at her, still crying, his face on frustration and fear, and she touched his upper arm. She was letting him know she was there, verbally but physically, too, and it seemed that he was listening to her. She didn’t know why she had done it in Mandarin, but perhaps it was speaking to him, because he took in a few deep breaths, sobs still wrecking his body, but he shuffled over to her and fell into her arms eventually. She held him there, against her chest, and he calmed down after a while, holding on to her shirt tightly.

She looked at him, this little boy, who was thrown into this weird situation and odd new world but who seemed to trust her, enough to turn to her when he was feeling sad. She wouldn’t betray his trust, she promised him that.

“You speak Chinese,” he whispered. She nodded and brushed his tears from his cheeks.

“You speak Hindi.”

He nodded. When he was calmed down fully, she stood and they walked over to a calm corner of the Arrivals Hall, where she sat down on a bench with Phil quickly beside her, their suitcases neatly packed on a trolley.

“Are you Chinese?” Dinesh asked, his hand holding on to the tips of her hair, looking at how it moved between his fingers. 

May shook her head.

“But my mother was Chinese. She usually only spoke Mandarin to me when we were at home. I used to hate it because I was bad at it at first, she was the only one who forced me to speak Mandarin, but in hindsight, I’m glad she did it. I like being able to speak Chinese.”

“Do you speak Hindi?”

“No, I don’t. But I’m sure I can learn.”

Dinesh shook his head and sighed, leaning his head against her shoulder and dropping her hair. 

“It’s okay. I will learn more English.”

Dinesh turned to Phil, even after a full week spent together he was still wary of him, but it was okay, they had a long time to get used to each other. Even if subconsciously, Dinesh had already shown how much he trusted Phil, because he had fallen asleep against him more than once.

“Do you speak any languages?”

“I like to believe I do, but people always say I’m bad at them.”

“Which ones?”

“French, Spanish, a little Russian.”

“ठंडा.”  _ *Cool.* _

When May was absolutely certain that he was okay, she stood with him still in her arms and they left the airport. Not wanting him to have another breakdown, May decided to sit in the back of the car with him while Phil drove.

“Does Josh speak Chinese?”

“Not enough, I guess.”

“Can I learn Chinese?”

“If you want to.”

Dinesh smiled up at her and her heart warmed, her arms around him tightening a little more. She couldn’t wait to be this little boy’s mother, take him home, tuck him into his new bed and protect him, from everything a mother was supposed to protect her children from. 

Josh was sitting on the porch when they drove around the corner, and as soon as he spotted their car, he jumped up and ran down the driveway, ready to meet his baby brother. Daisy walked out of the house with little Heather in her arms, the baby having grown so much already since the moment they had met her. Josh had grown quickly, too, but May realized like she had with Blair and Jaine and all the other kids that it was different when you didn’t see the baby each and every day.

Josh was about to open the door while the car was still rolling but Matt intervened at the right moment, lifting the boy into his arms, and for just a brief moment May looked at the view and got a little jealous - she hadn’t seen her boy in a week, the longest she had ever been apart from him, and suddenly there was this man who got to hug him instead of her? And for just a brief moment following that, she thought of the life Josh could live if he was Daisy and Matt’s child, they could play with him more and play ball outside. But May wasn’t a bad mother, she knew that, and while she wasn’t as fit as she had always used to be, she could still play outside, run a few laps, and anyway, her heart was full with love and she was patient, so what more did a mother really need?

May looked at Dinesh, who was looking at everything and everybody with fear, and she really couldn’t blame him. He had never met these people, but they were suddenly his family, this was his home, how was he supposed to register that so quickly?

“Do you want to stay in the car a little longer, Dinesh?” May asked. He looked at her, reduced to that little five year old boy she had expected him to be upon first meeting, but his hand was still in hers and it confirmed to her that they still had a connection, and she wanted to give him love and care for him.

He shook his head.

“I want to meet Josh.”

“Alright. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you can always go back in the car.”

He nodded, and together they climbed out of the car, and as May nodded for Matt to put Josh down, the two boys slowly walked towards each other, and it was Josh who held out his hand first.

“Namaste! I’m Josh.”

Dinesh shook his hand but remained stoic, that was probably the best word to describe it. May knew he was just taking in Josh as a person, and she knew Josh would understand. After all, he was empathetic. 

“I’m Dinesh.”

“Nice to meet you! You must be cold! Do you have a sweater?”

“I’m okay.”

“Oh.”

May stepped in to prevent either of the two boys to be disappointed, they didn’t have to like each other immediately, they still had time to get to know each other.

“Why don’t we all go inside and get warmed up? I’m starving!”

She was actually a little scared that Josh and Dinesh wouldn’t click. She had wanted a sibling for her baby so much that she didn’t even take into consideration that there was also always a chance that he would end up hating everybody. Both of them. Josh for finding the wrong sibling, and Dinesh for taking them away from his familiar home and into this… this. What was this? May was happy, but did that mean that everybody else was automatically happy, too? Of course not. 

Phil’s hand rested on the small of her back, and she looked at him, a calm smile on his lips. They stepped inside the house.

“Stop worrying,” he told her, his nose nuzzling the skin in her neck when he thought nobody was looking. May knew Dinesh was monitoring everything, but for just a moment, she didn’t really care. “They will be fine. They just have to get used to each other, is all.”

Josh flew into her arms when Phil stepped away to collect their luggage from the back of the car. Dinesh had decided to explore the living room, holding onto the hem of his shirt, and May wanted to focus on him, make sure he was okay, but Josh was claiming most of her attention. It was fine. She had missed him, too.

“Hi Mommy.” He kissed her lips and they smiled at each other. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. Were you nice to Daisy and Matt?”

“Of course not.”

May chuckled and they nuzzled their noses together, like Dinesh had done when they had first met, and it made her smile even more. Perhaps the two boys had more in common than assumed at first.

“I don’t think he likes me very much,” Josh whispered, quiet enough so only she could hear him. May shook her head and brushed his stubborn locks out of his eyes. 

“He just needs to get used to us. He’s in a strange country with strange people. Remember when Heather kept crying when she was just born? She was also startled and scared because she was suddenly at a place she didn’t recognize. But she got over it, eventually. Give Dinesh some time, okay? He’ll come to you when he’s ready.”

“Okay, Mommy. Hey. I changed Heather’s diaper like every day. Even the poop diapers.”

“Wow, I’m so proud of you.”

Josh beamed at her and they hugged, before he separated from her and ran out to help his father. May watched him leave, then focused on Dinesh, who had decided to sit down on the couch, and his tiny hand was tracing the throw that was on the backrest. She sat down beside him and observed him further. His head turned to the front door when Phil and Josh came inside, chatting about whatever, and Dinesh looked at her.

“Do I need to help?”

“Not unless you want to.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Then you don’t have to help.”

Dinesh nodded in understanding and observed the scene a little more, and they watched how Josh tried his best to carry their luggage inside, but their big suitcase came up to his waist, so him pulling on the handle was not doing anything. They watched how Phil lifted the suitcase with his robotic hand, Josh still attached, and the boy let out a shriek before begging his father to put him down.

Daisy and Matt entered behind them, Heather still in Daisy’s arms, hopefully asleep because the girl could scream, and May looked at Dinesh briefly.

“That grownup is Daisy,” May explained. “She’s Josh’s big sister. She can be your big sister too, if you want that.”

Dinesh nodded again.

“And that is Daisy’s daughter, Heather. And Daisy’s boyfriend, Matt. You don’t have to meet them yet if you don’t want to. We can take it as slowly as you want.”

“They know who I am?”

“They know your name. But how can they know how sweet you are without meeting you?”

Dinesh smiled and inched a little closer. It was clear to May that she was about the only safe person Dinesh knew at that moment, and she would be more than okay to have him stick to her side while he was acclimatizing.

Phil and Josh messed around a little more, and from the corner of her eyes, May saw Dinesh stand up to stand against her legs.

“Can I join?”

“Of course, Dinesh. You don’t have to ask.” She brushed his hair and kissed his cheek while he kept looking at his new father and brother, and eventually he stepped away from her to join the scene in front of him. Phil immediately understood how important this was for Dinesh but he didn’t change the interactions at all - this was what Dinesh wanted to experience, too, considering he had left the safe side of May to play with them. May couldn’t keep her eyes off the scene.

A baby was placed in her arms without announcement, and she hardly registered it until she felt the couch dip beside her. Daisy let out a long sigh.

“Josh is fun but I don’t know how you survive him for so long.”

May smiled and tore her eyes away from the playing boys, observing how Josh was offering Dinesh to show him his room and the younger boy nodded, still a little reserved, but Josh carefully grabbed his hand and they disappeared upstairs. She looked at the sleeping baby girl in her arms.

Daisy was like May - May had only let Phil and her mother hold Josh in the first few weeks; well, Daisy only let Matt and  _ her _ mother hold Heather. May knew that this was just a phase, but so far she didn't mind watching Heather most of the time.

“He’s cute,” Daisy said, while she sat unceremoniously on their couch, feet on the table. May looked at the woman, before using just the tip of her own feet to knock Daisy’s feet off the surface.

“Feet down.”

Daisy looked at her, amused, before shrugging and sitting up a little straighter. “Sorry,  _ Mom _ .”

They were silent while May admired the little girl in her arms. She looked like her mother, so beautiful, and May already knew she would break many young boy’s hearts with her female charms - if she would turn out anything like her mother, that is. Daisy Johnson let jaws drop wherever she went.

“He is cute, though. He seems sweet.”

“He is sweet. When we met him for the first time… it was like… I dunno, his soul was talking to mine or something? Like he was showing me that we had always belonged together. And he is a little timid maybe, but in the plane he couldn’t stop talking about how happy he was to be going on a new adventure and meet his big brother Josh. He just needs some time… and I’m willing to give him anything he would ever ask for, and more.”

“And that’s what makes you a good mom.”

“What?”

“You’ll sacrifice yourself for the wellbeing of your kids.”

And she had done so for longer than she could remember. Just to keep the team safe, she had been ready to do  _ anything _ . Perhaps the universe had hinted back then that something akin to motherhood would be in her future, but she had always been so goddamn stubborn, so a future full of love and happiness? That had seemed way out of her reach. But here she was, next to the woman it had all started with. Daisy Johnson was her first child, and even though she had a family of her own now, neither of them shied away from showing each other that special kind of love, that mothers and daughters shared, that was unbreakable.

“You deserve it, you know? Dinesh, too. I can tell he already trusts you a lot.”

“Apparently, I have that effect on scared, broken kids.”

“You really do.”

May smiled at Daisy, and it was comfortable, they were comfortable, had been for many years now, but it still amazed May at how much she loved this young woman, how much she cared. Daisy had pulled that out of May, had prepared her for motherhood in a way, and she was forever grateful.

“Mommy!” Josh exclaimed, breaking the silence, startling the baby in her arms who started crying, understandably. Josh didn’t seem to have noticed, and jumped into the space between May and Daisy, causing his sister to groan and his mother to look at him with a bit of a scold. “Oops. Sorry.”

Dinesh was standing in the corner of the room, obviously fighting the want to be close to May, but she was surrounded by all these people he didn’t know, so he stayed wisely away. 

“What is it, Josh?”

“Can Dinesh and I watch Moana?” 

“Isn’t Dinesh a little young for that?”   
“I’ll protect him, though. He’ll be safe with me.”

“I have no doubt about that. What does Dinesh want?”

Dinesh was still just standing in the corner, and Josh looked at him, his enthusiastic expression dropping a little when he realized what the boy was radiating. But then Dinesh raised his chin, stepped closer and grabbed Josh’s hand. 

“I would love to.”

Josh’s smile returned and he nodded, but before the two were able to run off, May grabbed Josh’s hand, motioning for Dinesh to go and have fun. 

“Remember, Josh,” May whispered, “where Dinesh is from, they don’t have a lot. He might be overwhelmed by everything. Just give him time.”

Josh nodded and kissed his mother’s cheeks. 

After the two boys disappeared again, Phil came into the living room with their old-fashioned tea kettle and several mugs. “Josh tired himself out all night, he was so excited to meet Dinesh. I think he’ll fall asleep within the first ten minutes of the movie,” Daisy joked, taking over Heather to allow May to pour herself some tea. She needed something stronger with this jet lag quickly creeping up on her, but she didn’t like coffee, so she was still unsure what it was she needed. Just a nap, probably.

When she went upstairs to check up on Josh and Dinesh, she found Josh was fast asleep and Dinesh was completely immersed in the movie. In between them, the two were holding hands.

“Are you okay, Dinesh?”

He didn’t even hear her. She smiled and closed the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Dinesh! Welcome to the family!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dinesh settles in with his new family, and Coulson realizes just how much his family means to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh! I forgot to mention! I do use some Hindi and Mandarin, basically starting from the past chapter, and I generally put the translations behind each sentence. Of course, I could have only put the translation in there, but I thought this would make it more real. Any Hindi/Mandarin sentence without a translation can easily be translated through Google Translate, in case you're wondering. And yes, I used Google Translate, so most sentences will probably be grammatically incorrect, but it's the thought that counts, right? ;)

May was far from surprised to find Dinesh standing at the edge of their bed at around midnight. She had tucked him in with a gentle kiss about four hours ago, but just after she and Phil had gotten ready for bed, he seemed to have given up on his attempts to try and sleep. Even though he was exhausted, and May knew that, because while they were watching TV earlier that evening, just the four of them, he had fallen asleep in her arms like Josh had so often before, belly against belly, his head against her bosom.

“Dinesh?”   
He didn’t respond, just remained standing there, and with an easy haul, he was in their bed. He was smaller than Josh had been at that age, lighter, too. Perhaps a good diet would help him greatly.

“Mommy?”

She startled at that title, she hadn’t expected him to use it so soon, but she welcomed it all the same, amazed by how much he trusted her. She had said it before, and would say it again. She hardly had time to register it all, though, because his bottom lip started quivering and she immediately felt her soul reach out to his.

“You can’t sleep?”

He broke down and started crying, and they found each other automatically, her arms wrapping around him and pulling him towards her, until he was laying in between her and Phil and they had their son safely tucked in.

“You are so loved,” she whispered, “and it will be scary, and we understand that, but we are here for you. Always.”

“मुझे डर लग रहा है.”  _ I’m scared. _

“Wǒ huì bǎohù nǐ.”  _ I will protect you. _

“मैं तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ.”  _ I love you. _

“Wǒ ài nǐ.”  _ I love you. _

Somehow, she felt they both knew what the other was saying, despite the fact that neither spoke each other’s language, but she felt a connection with him on a deeper level than she had ever had with anyone, his heart was supposed to beat close to hers, her arms were meant to be around him, and the universe had meant for her to be his Mommy.

“Dinesh,” she whispered, tipping his chin up gently so they could look into each other’s eyes, “I want you to know that you’re always safe with us. Always. And if you ever feel overwhelmed and want to pull back from everything, we will understand.”

She was silent for a while. She had read some books on autism but not enough - she wondered if she ever would read enough. All the books had taught her was to be consistent, stick to a schedule and give the child a safety zone. Considering she already had a schedule set up for Josh (because even though he didn’t have autism, he really liked to be able to see in print what his activities would be for the day), she figured it wouldn’t be too hard to add Dinesh in that, too.

“Where do you feel safest in the house?”

“With you.”

“Alright. But what if I’m not at home?”

“You’ll leave?” His eyes were filled with panic instantly. She wanted to brush his cheeks but at the same time didn’t want to pacify him in any way. 

“Eventually, I’ll have to leave, yes. But only for a short period of time. So when I’m not at home, where do you feel safest?”

He thought about that for a while, and she looked at Phil briefly, who was looking at the scene with interest. He had read the same books as her, but he wasn’t quite as good in raising kids as she was. He loved them alright, but he was often the one who went against her disciplining by talking to Josh while he was in time-out, actively reversing the effects. Oh well. Sometimes you win…

“Do you feel safe in your room?”

He was about to nod his head, she could feel it, but then decided to shake it, instead. 

“Is there anything we can do or add to your room that would make it safer?”

“A light?”

“You want a night light?”

Dinesh nodded. “Like Josh.” 

“Alright, we can do that. Anything else?”

He shook his head. “Maybe later.”

She smiled and pulled him close, hugging him to her chest, the one place she knew he felt safest. He wasn’t the only one.

“So if you ever feel like you need to just get away from it all, you can always go to your room. If you don’t want us to talk to you, we won’t. And we won’t come into your room without your consent.”

“Consent?”

“Unless you want us to.”

“Okay.”

She looked down at him, his fragile little face looking up at her and she saw the panic diminishing, and before she knew it, the little boy was asleep.

Long after that, she couldn't hold in the tears anymore. She had wanted another child but she couldn’t have expected to be so attached to one so quickly after meeting him. She had only known him for a week and yet it all felt so natural. Then again, the first time she realized how much she loved Josh, he hadn’t even been born yet, so maybe she had all right to love this little boy, too. 

She felt Phil’s hand on her cheek, letting her know he was there. She was a little surprised by it, maybe. She had expected him to have already fallen asleep.

“You’re amazing,” he whispered. “I love you so much.”

“He only opened up to me.”

“That’s okay. At least he trusts one of us.”

She brushed his cheek, so amazed by how patient and understanding he was, and every single day she fell in love with him a little more. 

“Я люблю тебя,” he said with a gorgeous smile on his lips. This one she knew.  _ I love you _ .  _ But in Russian.  _ “I was feeling a little left out.”

And every single day, he just proved her right to love him. 

 

~...~

 

Dinesh had quickly eased into their life, and after a little over a week, he paraded around the home as though he had never done anything else. There was still so much for him to learn about, so many people he had to meet, but it did them so well that he felt at home with them.

The fact that he spoke English almost fluently didn’t help him, though - the orphanage he had come from had been modern by the standards that neighborhood had upheld, but there were a lot of things they were still far behind on. Melinda had spent most of the week explaining how the TV worked, and that wasn’t even half of it.

He had opened up to Phil and Josh, and especially the former could really appreciate that. He had understood that Dinesh needed time to settle in, and he would give him all the time he wanted, but when the little boy had stood by his side while he was making breakfast, his hand holding onto the hem of Phil’s shirt, he knew they were making big steps.

And really, Coulson couldn’t blame the boy for being suspicious. For any other child who was adopted from abroad, it would be a possibly terrifying experience, but Dinesh had autism, which only intensified the experiences. After that first night in which Melinda had established that Dinesh could feel safe in his own room, it wasn’t a rare occurrence for the little boy to pull back for a while, only for Phil to find him in his bed underneath his covers, just thinking things through. They just let him. There was a lot they still needed to learn about each other, and perhaps they would never fully understand what made his brain do certain things, but the least they could do was try.

“Hey buddy,” Phil said cheerily and smiled down at his son, those beautiful brown eyes in this delicate little face beaming up at him, despite the rest of his body showing his reservations. Phil moved carefully, not wanting to scare him while they were getting so close. “You want to look?”

“Yes, please.”

Phil pulled the boy up onto the counter without much thought, and they were more on eye level like this, Phil no longer needing to look down to look the boy in the eye. 

“I’m making scrambled eggs for Mommy. Now, she’ll say she hates them, but secretly, it’s her favorite type of breakfast.”

Dinesh smiled faintly and watched as Phil worked, and Phil was more than okay for the silence to remain while he cooked, but he knew Dinesh was blossoming into a curious child like Josh, so he knew he could expect some questions at one point. It was always a surprise what curious topics Josh had thought of this time, and it was brushing off on Dinesh.

“Daddy?”

“Hmm?”   
“Why are Mommy and Josh Asian and you’re not?”

Oh shit. Instead of panicking, he thought back to what Daisy had used as explanation, back when Josh had been asking questions like this. What was it again? Purple and red paint?

“If you take blue paint and red paint, put them together, what color do they make?” he heard a familiar voice from the other side of the kitchen. Turning, he found Josh in his Captain America PJ’s, holding onto Bacon tightly and just waking up slowly. Phil smiled at his boy, and lifted him onto the counter next to Dinesh. 

“I don’t know,” Dinesh admitted.

“Okay, well you get purple. And it works a little like that when a Mommy and a Daddy have a baby, too. For instance, the Mommy is red and the Daddy is blue, when they have a baby together, it is usually a mix between the colors.”

Dinesh mulled over this new information in his head, and Phil took the opportunity to kiss Josh on his cheek as a sign of greeting. He hadn’t done it with Dinesh, because he was afraid that the boy would be scared by the close affections. In any case, it didn’t look like he felt left out or anything.

“Oh, okay. Well, both my parents were brown.” So there wasn’t a lot of mix there, was probably what he was trying to say. Phil knew the boy had been orphaned when he was one, but it didn’t mean Dinesh didn’t know about his parents. The orphanage had kept hold of pictures of his parents and they had been enclosed in his file, so he could always grow up with the sight of his biological parents. Phil had made a promise in his heart that they would one day go back to India, just so Dinesh could see his birth country again. 

It did not go unnoticed by Phil that Dinesh referred to his birth parents as ‘parents’, while he and Melinda were Mommy and Daddy. It amazed Phil the impact one week could have on someone’s life.

“That’s okay. My Auntie Jemma and Uncle Leo also don’t really have a mixed family.”

Come to think of it, seeing as their family was so diverse, there was a mix in nearly every child. Josh with May’s Asian genes, Mack and Elena’s Holly would no doubt become a beautiful Afro-Latino mix (she already was, though), and little Heather was quite literally half Asian, half Irish descent (it was very possible she would develop red hair in the future, seeing as Matt was rather fair-haired himself). Josh was right - the Fitzsimmons were the only full white family within their pack. And of course, Josh was rarely wrong.

“When will I meet them?” Dinesh asked, running his fingers over the surface of the kitchen counter and casting his eyes down. Phil left the question hanging in the air for a little bit, before he finished the eggs and looked at Dinesh, tipping his chin up gently.

“Whenever you’re ready for it, Dinesh. We’ll do everything at your pace.”

“Okay. I want to meet Aunt Jemma and Uncle Leo today.”

Phil nodded and brushed Dinesh’s cheeks, then looked at Josh who was looking at the scene with apparent wonder. Phil briefly brushed his cheek, too, before putting the eggs on a plate, plate on a tray, and both boys followed him, close on his trail. 

“They are really smart, you know, but sometimes it’s difficult to understand them because they speak with accents,” Phil heard Josh explain behind him, climbing the stairs before the boys, opening the door which he had left open a little with just a push of his hip. He had planned to wake up Melinda in peace, but he guessed it would be one of those Sundays. He knew she didn’t mind in the slightest. 

“And their kids are really fun to play with. They have three daughters, Blair, Jaine and Bonnie, Aunt Jemma says those are Scottish names but I think they’re just fine.”

Phil put the tray on the nightstand and kissed his wife awake, his hands brushing her sleep-tangled hair out of her face, and she slowly awoke, the same old thing of pushing him away out of reflex, then, realizing it was him, pulling him close and linking their lips again. It had been the same thing for nine years or so, every time he would wake her up in the morning, but he would never get tired of it.

“Mommy and Daddy often kiss. It means they love each other a lot. Blair says it’s gross but I prefer that they kiss instead of fight.”

Melinda sat up at the sound of Josh’s voice and Phil grinned, taking his place beside her, leaning against the headboard and waving for the boys to come closer.

“Good morning, boys,” Melinda croaked, brushing her hair quickly and readjusting her PJ’s to make herself look presentable. Josh and Dinesh both climbed onto the bed, and Josh kissed her first, before Dinesh wrapped his arms around her, kissed her, and then wouldn’t leave her arms ever again. “I heard you were talking about the girls.”

Josh nodded and looked at the breakfast on the tray, probably regretting now that he didn’t grab anything from downstairs. There was just one croissant for Phil, and, of course, Mommy’s scrambled eggs and her tea.

“Daddy said we can go visit Auntie Jemma and Uncle Leo today. Dinesh has never met them before.”

“You would like that, Dinesh?”

The boy nodded from his safe place against her chest. Phil grabbed his croissant and tore off a piece, handing it to Josh. He hadn’t really felt like croissants anyway.

“Josh says that I won’t understand them.” 

Melinda frowned and looked at Josh, who just shrugged. He wasn’t wrong, they all knew that, but Fitzsimmons had been in the States for so long, their original accents were starting to wear off a little. 

Josh kept explaining why he sometimes wanted subtitles for his aunt and uncle, bringing them hilarious anecdotes from some of the nights he had spent having sleepovers with his nieces, but all Phil really had an eye for was little Dinesh inside Melinda’s arms, so comfortable, so familiar. Melinda was talking to Josh, and it seemed to please Dinesh, as the vibrations in her chest spoke to him, because he smiled faintly, burrowing his head closer to her chest.

Phil was possibly madly in love with this little boy, who had stolen their hearts from the moment he had entered their lives, and would probably never return them. It was alright. Dinesh could keep Phil’s heart with him  _ forever _ , it would never beat harder and louder for anyone other than these three beautiful people, here in this bed. 

Phil had scoffed at his few parent friends decades ago, when they had said that they were slowly falling in love with their children and how it definitely felt like having a crush, because he thought that was ridiculous - sure, you could love your child, but it sounded totally inappropriate to regard such a tiny, precious thing as your ‘crush’. But now, being a parent himself, and having been one for the past nine years, he understood what they had talked about. He was in love with Josh, had been from the moment he was born, from the moment that tiny hand had held onto his, in comparison, enormous finger, and it totally was like a crush, an innocent, childish crush: the nervousness about whether the feelings were mutual, the tender curls of arms around necks and the constant longing for confirmation; the realization that this person had your life, your heart in your hands, and that they had little idea how important they were to you. The everlasting notion that at the end of that crush, when this affair was over, they would be ready to face the world and leave you behind as what? Just a heap of bones and feelings, heart forever enamored of that beautiful human being who had stolen your heart, and who would never really look back once they left.

And Josh would move on, once he moved out, he would find new adventures and learn new things and maybe find someone to settle down with and have a family of his own - but Phil could never move on. When Josh would move out (and that was a definite ‘when’ if he’d ever seen one, because ‘if’ wouldn’t do Josh any good), it would mean no more sweet good mornings, no more begging to go to the park and play ball, no more tender kisses over afternoon teas, no more nose rubs when tucking him in. And hopefully, Josh was one of those kids who stayed with their parents during the first year of College, but it was an inescapable truth that one day, Josh  _ would _ move out. No matter how far away it was, it was slowly approaching.

Phil was in love with Melinda, but it was totally different. He had her to kiss and to hold and to make love to and to have in his bed until death do they part. Children, however, would inevitably leave. Dinesh was no exception, although him moving out was hopefully further away than Josh’s.

“Earth to Daddy,” he heard, as though from a faraway distance, and he found Josh sitting in between his spread legs, his hand waving him down much too closely. Phil looked at the boy, then at Melinda and Dinesh, who were still blissfully entwined. Josh chuckled at him. “You were really far gone.”

“I guess I was. What did I miss?”

“Mommy talked about how she and Uncle Leo would prank each other often! And one time she made Uncle Leo laugh so hard water came out through his nose.”

Phil smiled at his boy but reached out and hugged him close to his chest. He realized he needed to appreciate every moment that he could still do this. Before he knew it, Josh wouldn’t want to cuddle like this anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Josh is becoming such a good big brother, and I'm so proud of him. He sort of feels like my own child, hehe.  
> Anyway, thanks for reading and hope you're having an awesome day!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dinesh asks about Coulson's tattoos, and May realizes that she'll have to let Josh go eventually. (It doesn't sit well with her.)

Phil knew kids could be jealous of each other of the smallest things; what color their bed was, the earrings that they didn't have, the fact that their best friend had a purple T-shirt and they had an orange T-shirt while obviously purple was their favorite color so obviously they should have the purple T-shirt. Phil was not quick to give in to these stupidities, preferred to stay above those, but when Dinesh stood in front of him one day with a question to that extent, he felt he could make an exception.   


"Daddy?"   


Phil looked up from his Inspector Steel comic (which was quite entertaining, although he didn't get all the cultural references) to find his youngest son looking at him with tears in his eyes. He instantly dropped the comic and opened his arms, hoping the little boy would feel comfortable enough to seek out comfort in his arms. It depended on the day Dinesh was having, quite honestly, and Phil let him be whoever he wanted to be.    


Dinesh fell into his arms and they cuddled close, and Phil waited patiently to hear what was bothering him. It was preceded by some tears first, and Phil's heart would always break to see his boys cry, no matter the reason.   


"I... I I I... Josh has Bacon and I also want Bacon."   


It took Phil a while to understand what it was that Dinesh was saying, while the boy gave into his seemingly intense sadness, and Phil held him close when the realization dawned on him.   


"You want a stuffed animal?"   


Dinesh nodded, his sobs continuing to wreck his body.   


"Not- not- not the same as Bacon but- but-  _ like _ Bacon!"   


Phil held Dinesh tightly during his little breakdown, pondering over the options in the meantime. Melinda was teaching at SHIELD, Josh was at a friend's place, and suddenly Phil realized that Dinesh had joined in the middle of the school year, and he had never talked about having friends or just someone to talk to in general. He was ashamed never to have noticed that Dinesh was probably lonely.   


He couldn't help with the friends problem, but he could try to help him feel less lonely at home.   


"I'm sorry," he whispered, doubting the boy could even hear him. He had failed as a father, but he would try to make it up to him now. "Why don't we go to the store right now and you could pick your very own Bacon."   


Dinesh looked up with hope in his eyes. "We can do that?"   


"Of course we can. Let's go."   


His sadness suddenly forgotten, he jumped out of his father’s arms and bolted to the front door, already opening it before Phil pulled on his collar, sending the boy flying back into Phil's arms.   


"Coat."   


Dinesh grumbled but obeyed, and Phil tucked him into his coat, complete with scarf.   


Dinesh was quiet while he sat in the back of the car, looking out of the window, and Phil would look at him occasionally, when traffic allowed.   


"क्या आपको लगता है कि उनके पास हाथी या कुछ होगा?"  _ *Do you think they'll have an elephant or something?* _ _   
_

"Hmm?"   


" एक हाथी?"  _ *An elephant?* _   


"You know I don't speak Hindi, right, Dinesh?"   


Dinesh was silent for a while, pondering Phil's question, it seemed. Phil knew Dinesh was smart but he could imagine if sometimes these languages confused him. He probably wouldn't even notice if he was speaking in Hindi.   


"I... I didn't notice."   


"Notice what?"   


"That I was speaking Hindi." He was silent again. Just what Phil thought - this bright little kid was bilingual and he knew looking at May that it confused even her from time to time.    


"I'm sorry, Daddy."   


"It's okay, buddy. I wish I could understand what you were saying." Maybe he would take up a Hindi course. Just to support his son and be a good father for once.   


Melinda would argue that he was a good father, but he knew a father shouldn't forget all these important factors in his child's life. Melinda was talking about attending a Hindi course - he had never even thought about that before she had brought it up.   


"I hope they have an elephant or something."   


"Yeah? You like elephants?"   


"I think so? I want to keep my options open."   


Phil chuckled at the mature comment and focused on the little boy when they stopped at a traffic light.   


"You can pick whatever you want.”

Dinesh nodded with a smile on his lips, visibly satisfied that he got these privileges.   


"Daddy?"   


"Hmm?"   


"I'm really happy that you're my Daddy."   


"You are? Why?"   


"Because you're a really good Daddy."   


My god. How had he landed such a sweet boy as his son?

When they returned home, Dinesh was happily cuddling up with his new stuffed animal, and Phil fetched them something to drink before settling down beside him. Dinesh was opening up to Phil, he had no illusions about that - the first time they had met, the boy hadn’t really wanted anything to do with him, preferring to stick to Melinda’s side (with good reason), and it had taken weeks for Dinesh to finally allow anyone other than her to touch him properly. 

Dinesh still didn’t really settle in with him, and Phil realized for one of the first times that while Josh had been extremely cuddly with both him and Melinda, still was, Dinesh might never really be like that. Maybe it just wasn’t him - except, of course, with Melinda May, but then again everybody turned into mush in her proximity. She had even managed to break down Daisy Johnson’s walls when the young woman had refused to let them adopt her - now, Daisy loved to snuggle in with her parents, even if she had a kid herself now, even if people might say that she shouldn’t do that anymore. 

“Daddy?”

“Yes, bud?”

“What are these letters on your arm?”

To emphasize his question, Dinesh pointed at Phil’s right forearm, not quite touching the skin as though he was afraid of hurting him. There was a very kind boy in Dinesh - he was just very particular in whom he showed it to.

“Oh, my tattoos?”

“Tattoos?”

Phil nodded and rolled up his sleeve a little more, revealing the entire forearm, and Dinesh looked at it with wonder. Phil wondered how often Dinesh had seen the tattoos before and kept himself from asking questions - in that regard, Dinesh was the entire opposite of Josh, who always asked inappropriate questions at the most unfortunate moments. Dinesh, however, was probably just as inquisitive as Josh, he just knew that you couldn’t always ask any question whenever you wanted. 

“They’re numbers,” Phil started explaining, pointing at the top one. “This is the day I met your Mommy. This is the day I met Daisy. And the other one is the day Josh was born. I really wanted to have a way to carry them with me, even when they weren’t there. I look at the tattoos and I feel happy, because I love them so much and I know they love me.”

“I love you too, Daddy!”

“I know,” Phil smiled, running his hand through the boy’s hair, “and I love you, too.”

Dinesh seemed to be interested but it was obvious that he wasn’t really grasping everything of the situation.

“Do you know what a tattoo is?”

Dinesh shook his head, shuffling a little closer, and Phil carefully put an arm around the boy’s shoulder. One thing Phil had learned with Dinesh was that one moment, the boy could give consent for a wide range of affectionate touches, and the next, he would be crying and getting angry because somebody was too close. It had taught Phil to never assume anything with the boy, because he didn’t want Dinesh to feel hurt or threatened, especially not by him, because he was the boy’s father and he should protect him, whatever the cost.

“A tattoo is basically a drawing, like you can draw with a marker on a piece of paper. But a tattoo is permanent.”

“So you can’t erase it?”

“Exactly. Just like with a marker, actually.”

“So you’ll have this forever and ever?”

Phil nodded, looking at his tattoos for a few moments, fighting a smile. That was kind of the entire point - that no matter what happened, he would carry his family with him. Well, unless he lost his right arm, too, but the universe really couldn’t be that cruel, right? (Famous last words.)

“Does it hurt?”

He wouldn’t tell the boy how he had almost cried while getting the tattoo, Melinda’s hand the only thing that was keeping him from panicking.

“A little. They do use a needle to get the ink in your skin. But I had Mommy to protect me.”

“Can I get a tattoo, Daddy?”

“If you want, you can get one when you’re older. But I want you to think about it long and hard before you do, because you can’t undo the tattoo. You’ll have it forever.”

Dinesh nodded in understanding. “How old?”

Dinesh remembered every little thing that sounded the slightest bit as a promise, so Phil was careful not to put him and Melinda into a corner in the faraway future. No matter how proud he was of his own tattoo, he wanted to protect his kids from it for as long as possible.

“Just older.”

“Okay. Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“Will you get a tattoo of when we met, too?”

Phil’s heart warmed at that question, showing how far they had come since they had brought him here. He hadn’t really wanted to be a part of their family the first week, and had only really opened up to Phil and Josh after a month or so - but this question showed Phil that Dinesh did consider them his family, that he did consider himself part of their family. 

“Would you like that?”

Dinesh thought about it and nodded, and all through their conversation, he had shuffled in closer and closer, until in that moment they were flush together, side by side, and Dinesh put his head against Phil. 

“I want you to think about it long and hard, Daddy.”

Phil chuckled and wrapped his arm fully around the boy’s shoulder, not being careful anymore, knowing that when Dinesh was in fact flush against somebody, he trusted them explicitly and was giving them his wordless consent to cuddle - but only if the other person wanted to. Dinesh would never force himself up on people.

“I have wanted to get a tattoo with the day we met since, well, that day. I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to.”

“I do.” Dinesh looked up at Phil, his eyes so sincere, so kind, and Phil had no doubt that he loved this little boy, unconditionally, infinitely, whatever other adverb worked to explain such a love. “Do you still remember what day, though, Daddy?”

“Of course I do. I’ll never forget it.” In a way, it was similar to the day he had met Josh - the uncertainty of whether he was ready for it, some brief, gentle touches, and the little kid seeking out comfort with Melinda, something both boys had unconsciously done. 

Dinesh blinked, as though he was trying to control his eyes, willing them not to spill tears. Phil just smiled and brushed the boy’s cheek. Dinesh sat up, rubbing at his eyes, and held onto his stuffed llama a little tighter. 

“But with a tattoo, you’ll never forget it ever, right, Daddy?”

“Exactly.” Phil kissed his cheek and in his head, he was already making an appointment for an extension on his tattoos.

 

~...~

 

Josh had begged for a while to have a slumber party, and he had attended some of his friends’, but he had insisted on having one at their place, something May wasn’t all too comfortable with but she knew she couldn’t forbid him. It wasn’t that she wasn’t worried when he slept at somebody else’s house, but she knew he would manage. Having a bunch of kids at their place who likely wouldn’t sleep all night and who would do all kinds of naughty things - now that was something she wasn’t particularly interested in. Not to mention that they also had Dinesh to think of now, and he was still getting used to his life in the States, with them. She wasn’t sure how he would handle it.

But eventually, when Josh turned nine, they allowed it for the first time. May had set up a tight schedule with a start and end time, phone numbers of the parents so she could call them in case anything went wrong, and specific instructions provided by the parents on any medication the kids needed to take, and how to handle in case a kid got scared or homesick. Phil, on the other hand, was much more laid back, going to the supermarket with Josh to get a shitload of treats and drinks, and May wondered when she had turned into one of  _ those _ moms. 

Josh’s bedroom was big enough for him, but not for seven other kids to sleep in, so the living room was sacrificed for one night. The living room was a mess and it wouldn’t get any better until all these kids went home, but Josh’s smile when his friends were dropped off by their parents was completely worth it. May was perhaps a little surprised to see two girls among the kids, but at the same time she wasn’t really surprised at all. Josh had never cared about gender like that, playing with his nieces’ dolls even when his parents were watching, and with trucks the next. She hoped the kids were still young enough for this to work out. She wouldn’t draw too many attention to it, however - they were still just kids.

She remained in the kitchen, which was separated from the living room, for most of the evening, sometimes turning around the corner to see how they were watching Josh’s favorite movie, Moana. Some of the kids had laughed at him for liking a ‘girls’ movie, but those same kids were totally caught up in the storyline halfway through. May wondered why his friends would mock him for liking something, but then remembered that peer pressure was a real thing. It had turned out okay in the end, after all.

She felt Phil’s hand entwine with hers.

“You gotta give him some space, Melinda.”

She looked at him, a little offended. “I  _ am _ giving him space.”

“You haven’t left the kitchen all evening and you look at him every five minutes to make sure he’s okay.”

His words rang true. Didn’t mean she would admit that he was right, though. 

“Just making sure they’re having fun.”

“They are. He’s nine, they’re all friends having a good time. You know he would protect these kids, so if it does turn sour, he would try everything to make it right.” He got that from his father. “Come with me, Melinda. Let him go.”

And suddenly, something snapped inside of her, out of instinct, something nasty taking over inside of her. She was proud to admit that she hadn’t let  _ that _ get to her in almost a decade, but his words, uttered all those years ago, combined with the idea that she would one day have to part with her baby boy, made her see stars. She slapped his hand away and pushed him.

“What did you just say?”

He seemed to have realized his mistake immediately and stepped back, raising his hands in defense. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Her hand meant to land a punch to his face but he blocked it expertly, and for that, she was grateful, because she really didn’t want to hurt him. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her with him, before pushing her in front of him to ascend the stairs, and he closed the bedroom door behind him.

“What was that?”

She looked at her hand, which had instinctively wanted to punch him, and that wasn’t her, she had never physically hurt him like that, and she wondered why her body had reacted like that - no, she didn’t wonder, she was angry, at herself and at her body.

“I’m sorry,” she stated, looking into his eyes, and finding worry there, not for their boy which it should have been about, but for her. “I don’t know what that was. I… I zoned out.”

He looked at her for a while longer, and she lowered her head, ashamed at her body’s reaction. He hadn’t even really said anything bad, just three words, but before she could help it, she was thrown back to the most painful time in her life, when she had killed that little girl and had battled with a depression in the years following that, how she had nearly killed herself if it hadn’t been for the very man standing in front of her. She liked to believe that she was over it, but you could never really be over something like that, she realized that now. You could only give it a place in your heart where it wouldn’t taint the good things you had left in life, where it could maybe influence your actions but not turn everything pitch black. 

She was within his arms in seconds, the movement coming from both of them, stepping towards each other and meeting in the middle, his arms tightly around her shoulders while she wrapped her arms around his waist, and he held her head against his chest, letting her feel his heartbeat - no matter how eratic it was, it always served to calm her down. Because he was there, despite everything they had been through, he was still alive. 

“I’m sorry, Phil. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He brushed her hair, and it calmed her down further. She wouldn’t cry, but she came damn close to it. 

“You didn’t.”

“That’s just because you blocked it. I could have hurt you badly.”

“But you didn’t.” He pulled away, looking at her with those kind blue eyes, and his hands came up to cup her face - despite the fact that she had almost punched him, he was still so kind, so patient. She knew if he hadn’t been there to catch her after Bahrain, she wouldn’t be alive anymore. “Even if you hurt me, I’ll take it. I promised that to you when Josh was born. I can take it. I’m sorry I said those words, and I’m sorry for forcing you away from Josh. I should have known that it was more serious than that. But no matter what happened back there... I’m here. I’m here, and I love you, and I’ll protect you and our boys, no matter the cost.”

“But-”

“No but. You want to talk about what happened back there?”

She shook her head. But then his blue eyes shimmered at her with something akin to understanding, and she opened up with a sigh. It wasn’t like he didn’t know what it was about, anyway - he had been there.

While she poured her heart out, he had moved them to the bed, where she lay curled up against his side with her head on his chest, and when the words had stopped, she just lay there, his hands still drawing soothing circles on her back, sometimes going up to brush through her hair. How did he always manage to draw out this emotional side of her, the side she didn’t want anyone else to see but the side he nearly  _ insisted _ on seeing? She knew it was a part of her, and he would accept every part of her, but it wasn’t particularly flattering. Nevertheless, he seemed to care for every side of her, the tough, stoic side, but also the sensitive, little girl side. She knew she hid that deep inside, but it didn’t take him long to reveal everything.

“I’m just scared to lose him,” she whispered, finally admitting what his words had really shook loose. “He… you, and him, and Dinesh, you mean everything to me. And I can’t stand the idea that I might lose you one day.”

He didn’t have a response to that, so instead they decided to just keep cuddling, saying without words how much this meant to them, to her, to be able to speak her mind freely and not be judged or pushed away. So many people had laughed at her stoic facade, calling her the Cavalry and assuming she was made of stone - Phil knew how much she was hurting, how deep down, her heart was in fact still beating but not like it had before. 

“Thank you for your honesty,” he whispered, his lips against her ear, and she let out a sigh and cuddled even closer. Not long after, the door opened and they both looked up, to find little Dinesh in the door opening, like he had so many times in the weeks before that moment. He wanted to sleep in their bed, she knew that, and she understood that, Josh had done the same thing. But at some point she’d had to decide that it was better to just tuck him back into his own bed, no matter how much her heart would break at his disappointed look when she wouldn’t take him into her arms and cuddle him against her chest.

“Mommy, why can’t I sleep in your bed?”

“Because you have your own bed, baby.”

“I don’t like this bed.”

“I know. But you’re a big boy, and big boys sleep in their own beds.”

“I don’t want to be a big boy.”

“Josh sleeps in his own bed all the time.”

“I don’t care.” When she kissed his cheek as goodnight, he held onto the tips of her hair gently to stop her from leaving. “Mommy.”

Her heart broke at his desperation to keep her there, and she wondered, not for the first time, if it had been a good idea to bring him here. But she loved him so much, and he loved her, and Phil, and Josh, and he was safe and comfortable and loved here, something that, despite their best intentions, the orphanage could never give him. She brushed his cheeks and got up anyway, gently taking his hands causing him to release her hair.

“Don’t leave. Please.”

“I’m only going to go to Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom. I’m still close.”

“पर्याप्त पास नहीं है.”  _ *Not close enough.* _

“I know you can do it, baby. I know you think you can’t but I know how strong you are.”

“मुझे मत छोड़ो कृप्या। मत छोड़ो”  _ *Don’t leave me. Please. Don’t leave.* _

When he almost broke down in tears, she decided to break out her familiar routine with Josh when he had been in this phase - stay in the bedroom, but refrain from any other contact, except for putting him back in his bed. When she took too long to return, Phil poked his head around the corner to find a crying Dinesh sitting up in his bed and May on the chair next to the door, her face turned away from the boy.

“Don’t tell me it’s the same thing as Josh.”

She looked at him and nodded. Perhaps she was too safe for these boys, and was that the reason that they didn’t want to be apart from her. But then she realized there was no such thing as ‘too safe’. 

But she knew most kids dealt with this, it was just a normal phase, but Dinesh had it a little harder than most, because while he felt loved and safe, in many ways it was still a strange environment, even after all the weeks he’d been there.

Phil kissed her, promising her that they could continue their talk later if she wanted to, and then he left, leaving her alone with Dinesh.

_ Come on, little Dinesh. You can do it. Just close your eyes and fall asleep. You’ll be safe, we’ll keep you safe. _

Eventually, he fell asleep, but it had taken forty long minutes of crying from his side to succeed in the matter. May closed the door behind her and rushed to Phil, only to fall into his arms in the bed, exhausted.

“I hate doing that,” she whispered, his arms wrapping around her tightly. 

“But it works. It worked with Josh, and it’ll work with Dinesh.”

“I hate hearing them cry.”

“Me, too.” He didn’t say anything else because there was nothing left to say - he also didn’t like to hear their children cry, had also spent long nights trying to keep Josh in his own bed, but it had brought them freedom and him independance, so it was important that they repeat it until Dinesh slept in his own bed the entire night.

“I can’t help but feel responsible, though. I wanted him in my arms the first week or so. I allowed it to happen.”

“And that is only natural. He was scared and he felt safe in your arms. But now, he knows he is safe in our house, so he can sleep in his own bed, too.”

She nodded and looked up at him. He was so wise. His knowledge knew no boundaries, even worthless trivial facts were in his head, and she just kept being amazed by him. Then, she remembered one important thing-

“How’s Josh?”

“Oh, he’s fine. They finished the movie and made the wise decision to go to sleep. Out like a light within five.”

She smiled, her worries settled, and she finally allowed her eyes to close after an exhausting evening. She only had herself to blame, she was mature enough to do some self-reflecting, but it was comforting to know that Phil would still accept her in his arms.

“I’m sorry for almost hitting you.”

“I’m sorry for saying what I did.”

She couldn’t count the number of nights she had gone to sleep while angry with Andrew Garner on one hand, and even before her pregnancy, in the very fragile start of her relationship with Phil Coulson, she had made the promise to herself and to him that she would never go to bed angry. Sure, she’d had quarrels with Phil, that was only natural, and they had known each other for so long, some things did still clash, but ultimately she wanted them to be able to sleep in the same bed, and not have one of them be banished to the couch. That was immature, and she felt they were above that. And quite honestly, forgiveness was far less energy-absorbing, and it was just so much more satisfying to be able to fall asleep in his arms after a long day. The couch was not made for sleeping.

His arms, however, they definitely were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe May still has PTSD from Bahrain (and maybe as a result, Coulson has it, too) and is thrown in that dark period occasionally. I'm happy, however, that they talked it out! :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May is a substitute mother for her son's friend, Matt proves he's a gentleman, and May finally takes a big step in being an adoptive mother of an Indian boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so a lot of shit happened in my personal life so I failed to publish in a while. So sorry!

She heard the telltale sounds of little feet downstairs in the living room earlier than she usually did, and it would always wake her up anyway, but when she checked the clock and saw it was way too early for any of her kids to be wide awake, she decided to put on a bathrobe and go downstairs to check.

She found one of the two girls rummaging around the living room, her brow set on frustration and her hair attesting to that emotion. The other kids were still peacefully asleep, and automatically May’s eyes landed on her Josh, finding him safe and sound.

She focused on the girl, she thought her name was Caitlyn.

“I’m sorry for making a sound and waking you, Mrs. Coulson.”

“That’s okay, honey. Are you okay?”

“Not really.”

The girl seemed to think that May would leave well enough alone at those words, but then she didn’t know May well enough. Of course, she didn’t see it as her personal mission to make every child on this planet feel safe and loved, but this little girl was in her home, and she was a friend of her son, so she felt she got a pass on that front.

“You want me to call your parents?”

The girl hesitated but shook her head. May looked at the girl, judging her mood, and was reminded a little of Blair during one of her first times sleeping over at their place. She was probably homesick, but too stubborn to go home.

May went into the kitchen and noticed how the girl was following her, and they sat down at the kitchen table together. It felt funny to be doing this with a strange kid - the amount of times she’d had a heart-to-heart with Josh just like this was too big to count.

“Have you felt like this before, Caitlyn?”

“I don’t go to a lot of sleepovers.”

“But they’re so much fun. What’s holding you back?”

“I dunno. I guess I’m just afraid of being alone.”

It was a familiar fear - Josh had felt that way too, often when they would drop him off at Daisy’s, and while it would sound stupid to an adult, it was a very real fear for these kids. May would never make fun of it, because that would only feed the fear.

“Most kids do feel a little lonesome. That’s normal. You don’t need to feel ashamed to be scared.”

Caitlyn nodded. May stood to get them both a glass of water. She had learned that just offering one usually didn’t work, but if she also drank, little kids would be more inclined to join her.

“Is there anything I can do to help you through the night?”

“You’re doing it right now.”

May smiled at the sweet girl, and they sat like that in silence for a while. None of the other occupants of the house made a sound, no kid got up to use the toilet, Phil didn’t come downstairs to get a quick snack (she often scolded him for doing so but he was an adult). It was peaceful around them, and maybe Caitlyn sensed that, too.

“Mrs. Coulson?”

“You can call me Melinda.” It wasn’t that she didn’t like being called Mrs. Coulson, because it reminded her of who was forever in her heart, but she felt that her son’s friends should be comfortable enough to call her Melinda. Mrs. Coulson felt a bit too formal.

“Okay. Melinda, can I ask you for something?”

“Of course, Caitlyn. You’re in my house. You’re my guest.”

Caitlyn nodded her understanding.

“Can you tuck me in?” Before May was able to say anything else, the girl hastily continued. “I mean, my daddy always tucks me in before I go to bed and I think it just helps me sleep. And I know it’s different because you’re not my mother but I think it would just… help.”

“Of course I can tuck you in, Caitlyn. C’mon, let’s get you settled back in.”

The girl obviously lost her shame of asking that question, and when May got up, the girl followed again. She settled in her sleeping bag between all the other kids, and May couldn’t help herself from brushing Josh’s cheeks briefly, before making sure that Caitlyn was properly tucked in. She felt a wave of affection wash over her, brushing the girl’s hair out of her face, then brushing her cheek like she had Josh’s.

“Are you comfortable?” she asked Caitlyn. The girl just looked up at her from those deep green eyes and nodded, a curl falling back into her face. “Did I do it right?”

Caitlyn was already falling asleep, the exhaustion of the night catching up with her, and when she made a last feeble attempt to nod her head in confirmation, May smiled.

Daisy had said once that May had a natural ‘mom-ness’ about her that couldn’t be taught or trained, and she had always found it ridiculous, but after having had Josh, she knew what Daisy meant. If her ‘mom-ness’ even managed to make someone else’s kid feel safe, she knew she must be doing something right.

 

~...~

 

Matt McCarthy showed up one evening without Daisy and without Heather, wearing a tie but it wasn’t done well, his hair a little disheveled, maybe. Josh was the one to open the door, smiling as he saw Matt in front of him, and May had heard the two greeting each other from her place in the living room - all of her alarm bells went off. He was here alone and he was flushed, so instantly she assumed the worst.

“Matt? Is everything okay, did something happen?”

He looked at her, then seemed to realize what his sudden appearance might insinuate. “Oh, no, they’re fine, everything is fine. I’m sorry for barging in like this.”

“Is there something you’d like to talk about?”

“Yes, actually.”

May guided for Matt to follow her into the living room and they sat on the couch, Josh fluttering around them out of curiosity. Even Dinesh, who normally didn’t like people coming to their house unannounced, came out of his play corner to see what was going on.

“Is Phil home?”

May shook her head. “Matt? Are you okay?”

“Melinda, I would like to, uh… to marry Daisy. And I know that we’re already together because of Heather and all, but it all happened so unexpectedly, I never… meant for all that to happen. Not so quickly, at least. But I guess, what I’m trying to say is… that I would like your blessing.”

“Oh, Matt… did you discuss this with Daisy?”

“Of course, but she thinks it’s ridiculous.” Of course she does. She truly is a daughter of May, despite genetics showing them otherwise. “I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I want things to be official for Heather, just in case… uh… something happens, you never know.”

“You know I’ll give my blessing in a heartbeat, Matt. And I know Phil will, too.”

“I just wanted to check. Blame my traditional side.” He smiled sheepishly, his cheeks a little flushed.

It was kind of… cute. Perhaps Daisy would claim it was sexist, old-fashioned, but to May it just showed that Matt was serious about this, about Daisy. He could have just dumped their kid with May and whisked her away on a romantic getaway to propose to her on some Spanish beach, and perhaps he would do that all the same, but he wanted to know what her parents thought. Her parents, who knew her better than anybody, knew what she was like and knew how much she cared about Matt.

May knew Phil had called her father too before proposing to her, but she also knew it had been more of an announcement, a ‘hey I knocked up your daughter so now I’ll make it official’ type of thing. Anyway, her father had warned him that her mother was the real man in their relationship, but May wasn’t sure if he had ever called Lian. He probably had, but he would never tell her.

“Phil will be home around three. He has some teacher meetings.”

“Great, so he’s at the school? I’ll visit him there.”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

Matt shrugged. “I’m not full of good ideas.”

She got the feeling he couldn’t really wait to marry Daisy, and it just made May’s heart warm from the inside out. He smiled at her, high-fived Josh and even Dinesh, carefully, then left the house.

May looked at her sons, who likely had no idea what had just happened - well, Josh was old enough to understand, but she wasn’t entirely sure he was able to put two and two together. He had already been scared by the idea of Daisy becoming a mother, perhaps he wouldn’t do so well with the knowledge of her becoming someone’s wife, either.

“If you ever plan to marry a woman,” she started, “I want you to do exactly what Matt just did.”

She was trying to raise gentlemen and she was glad they had an example like Matt - and Fitz and Mack, for that matter. Not to forget their own father, who treated her with respect and understanding, exactly what a woman deserved, she knew. It just showed her that the right woman could bring out the gentleman in any man. Even though she didn’t consider herself a lady, Phil would often show that she was _his_ lady.

“मैं कभी शादी नहीं कर रहा हूँ।” _*I’m never getting married.*_

Josh looked at May to judge for her reaction when Dinesh had said that, and she had already had the feeling that Josh was starting to understand Hindi a little bit, but when the two boys looked at each and then started chuckling at each other, her suspicions were confirmed. He could understand Mandarin, too, but May had often talked to him in Mandarin from a young age.

“There better be no bad words coming from your mouth.”

“Nope. I promise.”

She had to open up a language book to prevent her boys from talking about her behind her back. But then she knew, from personal experience with Blair and Jaine, that they could just easily make up their own language to talk about others - with Josh and Dinesh, it just so happened to be Hindi.

“Zhǔ gěi wǒ lìliàng.”

_Lord give me strength._ Her boys would be a pain in puberty.

 

~...~

 

Melinda May was uncomfortable.

No. That word didn’t properly explain how she was feeling in that moment, surrounded by young ‘hipsters’ gloating about their time in India visiting temples and having Mehndi set on their tanned arms.

No. Melinda May was _properly, utterly out of place_.

She had thought of leaving the class multiple times even before she had sat down in the corner of the classroom, as far away from these people as possible. She hadn’t been in a school in decades and she had honestly told herself she would never return, but this… was for a good cause.

The teacher walked in, dressed up nicely in a fine suit, his hair cut sharply. She guessed his age to be somewhere around thirty-five, and with his brown leather bag he looked properly _in place_ in this setting. Most people had noticed him coming in and he therefore didn’t bother trying to get their attention.

“Hello everybody, my name is Sunder Marwah, you may call me Sunder. I will be your Hindi teacher for the duration of this course. I would like to thank you all firsthand that you chose to start learning this beautiful language, and I’m always surprised to see some interesting faces. I suggest we go round the group, introduce ourselves and explain why we want to learn Hindi.”

She already had her hand on her bag to flee the room, she was too old for this and she was, quite frankly, not made for this, but Sunder was already looking at her intently, as though she was the one who had to start off this awkward round of introductions.

“Oh, I just realized I need to be somewhere.”

“Yeah. Here. What is your name?”

She looked around the classroom at all these young people who were still in the prime of their lives, who would do well in learning another language - she already spoke two fluently, but she wasn’t a big traveler, so why should she learn more?

“Melinda May.”

“And what brings you to this class, Melinda?”

She fidgeted with her hands a little and then remembered the bracelets she was wearing there around her wrists, the colorful types made out of different type of beads, with lettered beads in the middle of it. She was wearing two - _Josh_ and _Dinesh_. The two boys had made them on a rainy day a couple of days ago, Josh teaching his younger brother how to spell his own name, in English, and they had made two each - one for Phil, one for her. She had loved the proud looks on their faces as she and Phil put them around their wrists without hesitation, and she now wore the bracelets with her own sense of pride. (And she loved the idea of Phil standing in front of a classroom full of bratty teens with beaded bracelets around his wrists, no shame in it, just pride.)

She was out of place here. She was too old to learn a new language. But for her little Dinesh, she would carry on, because that is exactly what she wanted him to do, too. To look at a challenge and to realize that it was too much, but still do the thing anyway because you knew how strong you could be. She knew she could do many amazing things - give birth to a baby, for example. Adopt a baby boy from India and fall completely in love with him, as though he was her own, as though she had carried him in her womb, like she had Josh. There was no difference in her love for either boy. They were her sons.

“I, uh, adopted a child from India about half a year ago. He speaks English, he’s learning, anyway, but I feel that I’m not doing enough to support him. I think me being able to speak to him in Hindi will, I dunno… make him feel more at home. Accepted. Appreciated.”

Sunder nodded in understanding, her reasoning probably the best he’d heard in a while.

“I think that’s a beautiful reason. Your son could be proud with a mother like you.”

Okay. Maybe Dinesh _could_ be proud of her. All she wanted was to be a good mother to him.

“Welcome, Melinda. स्वागत हे।”

 

~...~

 

She was retired and her sons attended school daily, so she had a lot of time on her hands for hobbies or to just relax. She often helped out at SHIELD for self-defense classes and those boring tactics classes she had hated as a student but found incredibly interesting to teach. And every once in a while, she assisted in the flight simulators when the students had mastered steady flying and needed some challenges. 

But whenever she wasn't at SHIELD, she was at home, enjoying her retirement to its fullest. She didn’t like being in their home all by herself, though, without any little boy cheering her up with a funny joke or Phil pushing her against the kitchen counter and giving her a toe-curling kiss. So she went out often, and after her first introduction into Sunder Marwah’s Hindi courses, she was quickly finding that specific classroom her favorite. Not because of the people, not because of the location, but because of the prospect of being able to speak with her youngest son in his mother tongue. And she was picking up on the language quickly, too, except she wouldn’t dare touch the alphabet - she already knew two, that was more than enough. Even though she knew in order to learn the language, she had to learn the alphabet, too. Perhaps later.

Josh and Dinesh attended the same school, and sometimes they asked to go to school alone, without her to drop them off or pick them up. She knew it came mostly from Josh, who was nine and was probably looking for a little more independence. She knew he could do it. Dinesh, however, was too young to go to school all by himself, but she trusted Josh to take care of his little brother, and that was the only reason she let them go. 

_ Straight home from school. No talking to strangers. And you can’t meet up with friends unless you call in advance, from the school. _ She was definitely one of  _ those _ moms.

Today, she was the one to pick up her boys, and she could tell by how they were skipping outside that they were looking forward to the weekend. She lowered herself onto her knees and accepted their kisses, before Josh flew off to do god knows what.

“Hi Mommy,” Dinesh said with a pretty smile on his lips. She kissed his cheek in return, holding her lips to his skin a little too long. 

“आपका दिन कैसा बीता?”  _ *How was your day?* _

His eyes widened and his jaw would have dropped to the floor if it wasn’t attached to his head. He was silent for a long time, taking in what she had said, no, more  _ how _ she had said it, and she worried for a moment that she had said it wrong, that she was embarrassing herself, but then he simply fell into her arms and hugged her closely.

She loved her little boy. Before they had adopted him, she had hoped she could love this little boy like she loved Josh, but a part of her had feared that she would always be more distant to Dinesh than she was to Josh, who was her own flesh and blood, who had been in her belly for nine months and whom she had formed into the boy he was now. But it were moments like these that she realized that she’d had nothing to worry about - this little boy was amazing, so sweet and kind and sensitive and she loved him with everything she had, every fiber of her body loving this little wonder.

“Well?”

He chuckled and pulled back. “यह ठीक था। मिस सारा मुझे मछली खिलाती है।”  _ *It was okay. Miss Sara let me feed the fish.* _

She grabbed his upper arms and he chuckled, as she apparently made a funny face without even realizing it. “Slow down, baby.”

Dinesh leaned forward a bit so they were genuinely on the same eye level. His gentle hands were brushing her hair away from her shoulders. He was so adorable. 

“It’s okay, Mommy. You don’t have to speak Hindi.”

She shook her head. “I do, though. You speak Hindi, and I’m your Mommy. Therefore, I need to speak Hindi.”

His exasperated expression looked hilarious on a five-year-old, and she pulled him in for another hug, before standing with him still in her arms, him taking a comfortable position so she could carry him properly. His bag almost slid off his shoulders but she corrected it at the last moment, grabbing it and motioning for him to hold it with his hands.

“I can stop speaking Hindi,” he whispered while they were returning home, Josh following them somewhere. She could feel his presence, so she knew she needn’t worry too much. He had proven how responsible he could be - and anyway, if you didn’t hear anything from Josh while he was playing, that was really no sign to be alarmed. Dinesh, however… he could be naughty. Perhaps just to test them, to see how far they would go in disciplining him. She would go far, because at the end of the day she wanted to be raising a well-behaved boy, and not a spoiled brat.

She knew it often had to do with his autism, but a lot of the symptoms had considerably lessened since he had come here. He didn’t like unexpected things, didn’t like when he didn’t get what he wanted or went the way he had intended them to go, but those were things they could work on.

“No, baby, I don’t want you to stop speaking Hindi. It’s your mother tongue.”

She paused and he frowned at her. “What is my mother’s tongue?”

She smiled and chuckled softly, using the arm she wasn’t carrying him in to brush his hair.

“No, your mother tongue. It's what people use to describe your first language. The language you were born and raised with.”

“It isn’t English?”

“Almost, but not quite. You’ll regret it if you stop learning Hindi, in about fifteen years you’ll hate yourself for ever dropping it.”

“That’s very far away.”

“It is. But I’m trying to help you with it. I want you to be able to speak Hindi, like I am able to speak Mandarin. Because my mother taught me, and  _ you _ ’ll teach  _ me _ .”

He smiled, then remained in thought for a while longer. “I don’t know how to teach you.”

“That’s okay. Just keep talking to me in Hindi. I’ll learn one day.”

He nodded and kissed her cheek.

“मैं तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ।”  _ *I love you.* _

“मैं भी तुमसे प्यार करता हूं।”  _ *I love you too.* _

He smiled and kissed her again. “You’re learning already.”   
She found strength within her every single day to be the best person she could be, the best wife for Phil and the best mother for Josh and Dinesh. It were moments like these that showed her that she wasn’t doing too bad.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a girl's night out with Daisy turns into quite a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: some serious stuff is about to ensue. I took some creative license, but this is a thing that unfortunately still happens to women all over the country. (Nothing explicit happens, though.)

Phil Coulson's favorite nights were when he and Melinda were cuddling on the couch watching TV, his arms around her tightly while she was safely tucked against his side, fighting the urge to fall asleep. She would always deny that she did. He loved to look at her then (he always did), so beautiful and perfect. The only condition to have this situation play out was that the kids would be in bed and that was usually an easy task.

But tonight, it wasn't Melinda who was curled up against him; it was Josh and Dinesh, one on each side, after they had successfully convinced him that they could stay up later because Mommy was away from home. Josh was interested in the program they were watching, or he was very good in pretending. It was a show below his age group, because Phil didn't want to watch anything inappropriate for Dinesh (which just meant, nothing too mature). Dinesh, in his turn, was practically already asleep, but he would nod his head sometimes and wake up briefly, only to close his eyes again - just like Melinda, Phil thought with an amused grin.

Melinda had a night out with Daisy, something they had rarely ever done, but after Daisy had had Heather, the two sometimes craved for an evening without any kids. Phil knew they still loved them, but Melinda especially spent most of her time with kids - so she was allowed to just be an adult.

"I think Dinesh is ready for bed," he stated, moving to get up. As if on cue, Dinesh perked up and started to protest the inevitable. Yep. He was so his mother's son, even though they shared no DNA, but if they had learned anything from Daisy, it was definitely that DNA didn't say anything at all. Daisy Johnson was definitely their daughter, even though they had never birthed her or conceived her.

"Mommy will want to see you both in bed on time."

"Will she get mad at you then, Daddy?" Josh asked him.  
"No, not mad, just disappointed."

Josh cringed. "Jason said that's worse."

"It is," he chuckled. "So you can help me by going to bed now before I have to ask twice."

Dinesh seemed to accept this blatant order, but Josh wasn't that easy. He voiced his objections but he also must know that he was fighting something he had already lost. When

Dinesh got up to go to bed and listen to his father, Phil had his hands free to pick up a protesting Josh, trashing his limbs to get Phil to put him down, but Phil was stronger than this nine year old boy, so before he knew it, both boys were tucked into their bed.

“I don't know what you're planning, Josh Coulson, but you know I will win in this particular situation.”

That had seemed to agitate Josh further but they both knew it to be true.

Dinesh was out like a light but Josh still kept up the fight. 

"How come you get to stay up late but I have to go to bed so early?"

"Because I'm a grown-up."

"It's not fair."

"Oh, tell me about it."

Both kids were in bed and asleep eventually, and Phil sat on the couch to wait for Melinda. He knew she would still take a long time to come home, but he also knew that he wouldn't sleep anyway if she wasn't in bed with him. It could be quite a nuisance, but he was used to it by now. And anyway, he had started working less hours at the school to be with his family, and this was exactly the kind of quality time he had missed out on all these years. He suddenly realized why Melinda had so willingly given up her entire career - it must be wonderful not to have any responsibilities except for feeding the kids and getting them to bed. But he knew he had decided to keep working on his own volition, because he had wanted to support Melinda and their unborn child, and he wanted her to be able to retire and focus on their child if she really wanted to. The past decade had shown him exactly how much she enjoyed this kind of life, and he loved to watch her be so happy. 

The door opened but he didn't get up, not really wanting her to suffer a heart attack because of him. She walked into the living room and smiled at him, but there was something in her eyes that just looked very off. She wasn't big on drinking alcohol, them drinking the Haig one of the only exceptions to that, but right now it seemed like she had had a drink too many, her eyes a little glassy and the air around her smelling like alcohol - which of course was the biggest clue.

“Hey,” she said with a smile on her face.

She took her coat, threw it over the back of the couch and climbed into his lap, the smell of her breath confirming to him that she was drunk. His hands landed on her hips anyway, out of habit, but he forced himself not to go too overboard with his affections, or he might do something he would regret badly. 

"How was your night?"

"Shhh..." Her nimble finger landed on his lips quite disgracefully, poking his nose in the process, and it made her chuckle. He was a simple man - his wife chuckled, and he would fall at her feet no matter what situation.

But no. She was drunk, and despite them having been married for nearly a decade, he knew he still couldn't take advantage of her like this. He was better than that. 

"Let's get you to bed."

She smiled and even blushed. "Hmm, let's."

He lifted her, ignoring that blatant invitation and lifted her, carrying her into their bedroom and starting to take her clothes off to help her get changed. However, in her intoxicated state of mind, she thought he was responding to her slurred invite, and she showed the telltale signals of arousal he had gotten so used to. 

He put his hands on her upper arms and looked her straight in the eyes.

"Melinda, you're drunk. I'm not going to make love to you like this."

"'M not drunk."

He raised an eyebrow at her and she blushed. 

"Okay. Maybe I am. I can zzzztil make love to you though."

"I have no doubt you can, but I won't. Maybe tomorrow morning when you slept off all this alcohol."

She pouted and pushed away from him, finishing undressing and hoisting herself into her PJ's, then she climbed into bed, where she looked at him one last time. 

"You're no fun."

"You'll thank me in the morning."

She grumbled something unintelligible but fell asleep as soon as her head hit her pillow. He sighed, made sure she was comfortable and properly tucked in when he reached for his phone. He started texting Daisy.

 _'Thanks for bringing her home.'_

He changed into his PJ's too and was about to crawl into bed next to his Melinda when he heard his phone vibrate, indicating a new message. 

_'She wasn't feeling too good. Wanted her to be able to face y'all and not feel guilty in the morning.'_

_'Didn't have to get her this drunk.'_ _  
_

_'Didn't give her anything, tbh. She didn't have that much.'_

Hmm. Well, perhaps then Melinda was one of those people who couldn't hold their alcohol very well. It wasn’t like he’d had ample experience in dealing with a drunk Melinda May, so he had no idea what she could be like in a situation like this. In any case, she would probably have one hell of a hangover tomorrow morning, so he mentally prepared himself for a lot of throwing up, possibly, and a lot of curious questions from little boys. It was a Sunday tomorrow, after all, and they liked to wake him and Melinda up to have breakfast together. Very early. 

"Oh Melinda," he whispered, taking her into his arms and reveling at the little moan of bliss she made in her sleep. "What did you do to yourself?"

 

~...~

  
He awoke in the (very) early morning, it wasn't even light outside yet, to find the space his wife usually occupied empty, the pillow still kind of warm so she probably wasn't far.

He thought of turning around and going back to sleep but his worry took over after a few seconds. If he could believe Daisy, Melinda really hadn't had that much to drink and yet she had appeared in their home as though she had had all the alcoholic beverages that the bar had had to offer. 

He found her hunching over the toilet, her face hidden behind the porcelain, her arms hanging by her side. He reacted on instinct, gathering her hair in his hands gently and keeping the strands out of her face. One of his hands rested on her back, stroking soothing circles into her skin to let her know he was there. It reminded him of her pregnancy, in the first weeks she had spent almost every morning in a position similar to this one, annoyed by her stupid hormones but still thankful that they got this chance. It was difficult to realize that that was nearly a decade ago now. She hadn't aged a day. 

He was thankful that he had locked the bathroom door because he could hear the familiar sound of little feet tapping in the hallway, and he wouldn't want their sons to see their mother like this. He would want her to do the same if he was in a similar position.

She calmed down after a while and looked at him, but instead of the usual determination to get cleaned up and get down to business she usually showed in moments like this, she just sat against the wall with glassy eyes. 

"Melinda?"

She didn't really respond, not even a quick flick of her eyes to his, a corner of her mouth lifting up or a hand reaching out for his - she just sat there, completely disoriented, as though she was in her own little world. 

"Melinda."

Still no response. He put a hand to her cheek but when even that wouldn't give him a response, his senses were on immediate alert and he wrapped his arms around her tightly to lift her up from the cold bathroom floor. He fumbled with the doors on his way to their bedroom (he wasn't the youngest anymore, and he was already glad he could still lift her or their boys), and gently placed her on the bed, Melinda still dazed and staring ahead of her.  
What was going on? What should he do? It was obvious that she wasn't okay, because Melinda May was always on top of her game, the only exception when they made love and when she had given birth to Josh. She was always in control of herself, knew what she was doing and saying, and it became very clear very quickly that she was definitely _not_ in control right now. 

He got on the phone with Fitzsimmons, not knowing who else to call to be honest, and Fitz picked up the phone, obviously trying to do a thousand things at once. Phil explained the situation to the Scot, keeping his own eye on Melinda just in case she suddenly became better, but if anything, her condition only got worse.

"How much alcohol did she have, exactly?" It sounded like Fitz had put everything down to focus completely on the phone conversation. 

"No one really knows. She went out with Daisy but she said they didn't have a lot."

"Well, it could just be a hangover, a really bad one admittedly, but if you're doubting that, we could definitely come over to make sure."

Phil felt relieved at those words, happy he had friends who were kind of medically trained. It saved a trip to the doctor's office, especially helpful because they were living on his school income alone, with Melinda’s pension as a bonus, so they couldn't afford going to the doctor's office whenever they were worried about their health. 

That was until Jemma took the phone from Fitz and questioned Phil again. 

"I think it's alcohol poisoning."

"From just a couple of drinks?"

"Weirder things have happened. Coulson, alcohol poisoning is an emergency. Please call 911. I'm on my way."

"An emergency?"

He was still trying to wrap his head around what Jemma had just said when the line went dead, and he was alone once again with his disturbing thoughts. 

He couldn't lose Melinda. He was nothing without her, nothing at all, even with their sons in between them, he would never be able to function properly if he couldn't have her by his side. 

So he called 911, acting on instinct, because his head wouldn't cooperate with the sight of Melinda in front of him, so confused and sick. He couldn't stay calm, because it was always her who calmed him down, even without words, just her kind and caring smile was enough for him to feel at ease. But it was obvious that that wouldn't happen right now. 

He held her in his arms, not knowing what else to do, and she threw up again, and all he could do was just prevent her from choking, holding her hair back and soothing her afterwards. 

She looked down at his hands which were resting on her belly, his arms wrapped around her tightly. She looked at it a little while, until she rested her head against his chest and looked up, turning her head into an impossible angle.

"Phil?"

"Yes, it's me. I'm here, Melinda, and help is on the way."

"Don't need help."

"You do."

"Hmmmmdunnot."

He wondered if it was really alcohol poisoning, because Melinda knew her limits and would never cross them - she hated losing control, so it seemed highly unlikely that she had willingly gotten herself so drunk that she had to be admitted into the hospital. 

She hummed again and settled eventually, her eyes falling closed almost contently, and even though Phil had no idea what else to do, he did know that he should _not_ let her fall asleep. His heart hurt at the realization that he had stupidly let her fall asleep hours before, and he hoped that she wouldn’t have sustained too much damage. He wouldn’t forgive himself.

So he shook her awake now, but instead of drawing out her (adorable) annoyance, she just lay back inside his arms, sometimes just squirming with how uncomfortable she apparently was. 

A knock came on the door and Phil realized he couldn't stall this any longer. The boys would find out anyway when Jemma would come here, or the paramedics, whoever arrived first. He wasn't surprised, however, to see the boy's reaction to their mother like this - Josh rushed to the bed to see how he could help, while Dinesh just stood in the doorway staring at the scene in front of him. Phil couldn't really blame either of them - he wasn't sure what he would have done if he had ever found his own mother like this at that age. 

"Daddy?" Josh asked, his voice higher than usual. "Is Mommy okay?"

"She will be. I promise. But she's not feeling so well so she's just going to be checked up by Auntie Jemma."

"Should we call the hospital?"

"Already did."

"Okay." Josh looked at them a little longer before climbing into the bed and carefully sitting in front of them. "Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I'm scared."

Phil reached out for Josh's hands and the little boy was only too happy to be pulled into his father's arms. So in one arm, he had his wife, slipping in and out of something, dazed and just staring head, the other Josh, who was trying to be tough but at the sight of his mother, couldn't keep the tears at bay.

"Mommy will be okay, Josh. I promise."

The doorbell rang and Dinesh ran out of the room at lightning speed, to open it, probably the best option for him. Daisy rushed into the room after seconds, not the first person Phil had expected to show up, but she seemed determined. She had barely put on appropriate clothing, and it appeared she had slept as badly as he had. 

"Someone spiked her drink."

"What?"

She pulled out her phone and showed him the images from the previous night, showing Melinda at the bar by herself, some random dude by her side talking her up, but she seemed not to give him much attention. When she turned her head only briefly to look at the bathroom where Daisy no doubt had gone to, Phil saw the man holding his hand above her drink, it was just a quick movement, trained, skilled, and he realized that even with Melinda’s ninja moves, she could never have seen that. Anyway, she hadn't been in the field since her pregnancy, and despite her being a little paranoid still, she had largely changed into a calm mother who protected her kids against any evils but was also able to enjoy some downtime with them.

"The asshole," Daisy exclaimed, seemingly forgetting that Josh was still in Phil’s arms. He felt her words though, agreed with them. Why were some men like this? Why would some people not take no for an answer? He was suddenly so glad that Daisy had dragged Melinda home with her - he didn't want to think about what could have happened if she had stayed at that bar. 

"How is she?"

Phil looked down at Melinda, shaking her awake once again, brushing her hair out of her face. "I honestly have no idea. I called Jemma, she told me to call 911."

Daisy nodded and they sat in silence for a few seconds. She was the first one to break it. 

"Anything I can do to help?"

"The kids."

She nodded and grabbed Josh's hand, pulling him with her despite him protesting leaving Phil's side. 

Phil pulled Melinda up in his arms, keeping her close. He didn't even let her go when the paramedics started to check her up and even decided to take her to the hospital.

I'm not leaving you, Melinda May. You always stuck by my side all these years, so I'm staying with you.

 

~...~

 

The asshole they had seen on the images Daisy had skillfully hacked into had spiked her drink with GHB and a hint of cocaine. It shocked Phil that someone had slipped her such intense drugs, that a person could do this to another human being. Alcohol she could do, and even in their time at the Academy, she wasn't ashamed to admit she had sometimes used some drugs, but always controlled because she never let herself go too much. 

He sat by her side all night, holding onto her hand, and he knew she would kill him if he ever voiced it out loud, but she looked so vulnerable and tiny in this bed.

She was always such a firecracker, so whenever she was like this, it always felt... off. She wasn't this, but no matter what, he would always support her, through thick and thin.

He was her husband, and he had promised that to her when they had gotten married. Even before that, though - she was his partner even before they had gotten matching rings, so caring for her and supporting her came naturally to him. 

Daisy sat down beside him eventually, but he didn't let go of Melinda at all, just kept looking at her, not wanting to lose sight of her. 

She would be okay, the doctors had assured him that. But he couldn't help but worry, still.

"I blame myself," Daisy whispered. "I shouldn't have left her alone."

Phil shook his head. "Don't. He shouldn't have done this in the first place. Anything after that was only his fault."

"If if had stayed with her, though, he probably wouldn't have done it."

"It won't change anything to blame ourselves like this."

Melinda's face scrunched up and Phil almost jumped into the air, but found it was nothing more than just some twitches in her unconsciousness. He wondered if she was dreaming, because if she was, it was definitely some bad guy she was beating up. 

"Do you still have the video?"

Daisy nodded and put her phone on the bed, opened with the camera footage on the screen. Phil briefly looked away from Melinda to look at the man who had put her in this situation. 

"Don't do anything rash," Daisy warned. 

"If she has any lasting damage, I'll probably kill him."

"You really won't."

"Maybe not kill him. But we'll have a firm talking. I might break a bone."

"I think that's fair."

He returned his eyes to Melinda, who was still showing no signs that she would wake up any time soon. 

"How are the boys?"

"Possibly scarred for life. Josh spent the entire ride here crying and Dinesh hasn't said anything since I arrived at your house."

While that was technically the asshole's fault, he knew he could have prevented them from entering the room and seeing her like that. The only thing he could do now was try and restore the damage that was done. So he pulled himself away from Melinda, albeit a bit reluctantly, and set out in search of his sons. He found them surrounded by their aunts and uncles; Dinesh stood beside Mack, the man's arm lightly around his shoulders but it was apparent that he didn't know what else to do; Jemma held onto Josh, who was having one of the worst rage fits Phil had ever seen him have. 

Both boys, upon seeing him, ran into his arms to seek shelter, comfort, the two so scared and with reason. Phil didn't know what he would have done if this had been the end for Melinda. But luckily, the doctors had assured him that she would be okay, they just wanted to monitor her a little longer to make sure that she didn't have any lasting effects. 

Dinesh showed the first real emotion since finding them, settling into one of Phil’s side and crying into his shoulder. Josh was overwhelming Phil with all kinds of questions, not all of them good, but most of them fairly innocent for the situation. He simply pulled them with him to the nearest chair and sat there with him, allowing them time to deal with this in their own way. 

"Daddy, will Mommy be okay?" Josh asked after a while, long after Dinesh had stopped crying. They just sat there together, arms wrapped around each other tightly in support.

Both boys looked up at him expectantly. 

"Of course, Josh. I promised you, didn't I? I'll never break a promise to you."

Josh nodded and the two settled into his side, the time of day eventually catching up with them. It was funny, in a way, that Josh had tried to fight so valiantly to stay up a little longer the evening before, but when push came to shove, he couldn't fight the responses his body had to a sleepless night. 

Daisy came out of the room and looked at Phil, nodding ever so slightly, as though Phil would understand what she was trying to communicate to him without words. Her arms extended to take one of the boys from him and he pushed the shoulder Dinesh was leaning against forward, feeling how Josh was lifted off on the other side by Mack.

“You be there for her,” Elena said. “We’ll take care of the kids.”

“Where's Holly?”

Elena waved off that comment as though it was irrelevant - perhaps it was. Elena and Mack wouldn't let anything happen to their daughter so she was probably in good hands.

Phil knew Josh and Dinesh were in good hands, too. Placing a kiss on each of the boys forehead, he entered Melinda’s room again, taking his place by her side. It would be a long night, but it was the right thing to have her here, just in case things got worse.

He put a brief kiss on the top of her hand, next to the IV, and rested his head on the bed beside her. He was too old for this sleeping position, but he would suffer if it meant that she got to be safe and comfortable.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May slowly recovers, and Coulson and Daisy set out to get revenge on the man who had hurt their wife and mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been away for so long. TBH, I couldn't really find the willpower to publish for this story, considering I didn't get any responses anymore. Oh well.

He was awoken by a nurse a couple of hours later, the kind man not even intending to do so, probably, but he had to check Melinda's IV at some point. Considering Phil's head was practically pressed against her hand, it brought Phil back from his light sleep void of dreams.

"Did you sleep any, Sir?"

He almost shrugged in response, but he knew that it wouldn't really be an acceptable social answer. "No. I didn't expect to sleep, though."

The nurse (his name badge stated Jim) pressed his lips into a thin line. 

"We have some beds family can sleep in. It's just a few rooms away."

"No. I prefer to stay with her."

Jim nodded in understanding. 

"Just tell me when I'm in your way and I'll make room," Phil stated, and got up from the chair to prove his point. 

They were both silent for a few minutes while Jim checked up on Melinda, but before he left, he broke the silence. 

"She's a fighter, though. Even if she has long-term effects, I just know she'll still keep fighting."

Phil knew Jim was right. She had fought all her life, but this time, she didn't have to fight alone. He would be with her every step of the way.

 

~...~

 

Most of the morning was spent texting Daisy, the two of them trying to identify the man on the camera footage, even though they both knew she would never join him in a wicked revenge play. She was the former Director of SHIELD, more recent than him (he sometimes wondered if anyone remembered his time in that position) and she was a new mother - the implications such actions could have on her reputation and that of SHIELD, which was basically their professional baby, were immense. She deserved better, but it didn't mean that she wouldn't give him a head start. 

He was already plotting the man's demise, facing him, threatening him, for almost killing Phil's wife, but at the same time he knew Melinda would kill him in turn for such a petty course of action. He liked to believe he protected her, but they both knew it was unnecessary. 

It was almost noon when her heart rate monitor spiked and it drew Phil out of his thoughts to focus on her completely. He wanted to hold her hand and let her know he was there, but he also wanted to give her space to get her bearings. 

She fought against her unconsciousness, her eyes glassy and blinking, but then her hand reached out for something, and he wondered for a few seconds what it was that it was searching for, until her fingers were resting against his wrist and she closed her eyes again, almost in bliss, relief, and it made him realize that he could hold her hand - that she might want him to.

"Melinda," he whispered. "I'm here."

"Hmm."

He kissed her knuckles and remained silent, letting her wake up properly. He wouldn't even be surprised if she slipped back, but she opened her eyes again a few minutes later, more clarity in her gorgeous dark eyes. 

"Phil," she breathed, a question in her voice, and their eyes met. "What happened?"

"Someone spiked your drink."

It seemed she had not yet fully awoken, or perhaps she was reverting to her old habits, pulling up her walls before the pain could even register. But then, that familiar fire returned to her face, that look she'd sported so often in the past, and he was certain that he was the only one who had had the pleasure of seeing that emotion, any emotion, for a great many years. He knew that they both trusted each other more than anyone they knew, and that trust had caused her to confide in him often, like he had confided in her. 

"I'll kill him," she muttered eventually. 

"Already working on it."

That seemed to bring a little smile to her lips, just a tiny pulling of the corners of her lips. It showed him that she was okay, or would be okay, if she could manage to smile. 

"What did he give me?"

"GHB and cocaine. I would have called for help sooner but you came home and it just looked like you were drunk. I should have known there was more to it."

"Stop," she whispered. "It wasn't your fault. I didn't pay attention enough, apparently."

"It's not your fault either. I saw the footage, it was too fast even for you."

She frowned as she registered his words.

"Daisy?"

He nodded. "She hacked the cameras. I doubt she even slept. She blames herself, because it happened while she was in the bathroom."

A long pause followed, and she looked away from his face for a while. When her gaze returned to him, it showed just a little bit of fear.

"I... I don't remember what happened, actually."

That wasn't a surprise, and the doctor had already informed him about that very real possibility. Perhaps it was for the best. 

"The kids?" she asked, probably as a way to change the subject, but his lack of response was probably also a factor in it. 

"With Mack and Elena."

Not the standard babysitters, but it was enough for her.

"They might be traumatized," he whispered in shame, lowering his head. Her hand came up to touch his temple, the only thing she could reach like this. "I didn't protect them enough."

"What do you mean? Did I do something to them?"

"No! No, god no." How could she possibly harm them in any way, shape or form? These kids meant the world to her so she couldn't possibly hurt them, ever. "But they saw you at a bad moment and... even I... freaked out, to be honest. I can't begin to imagine what they must have been feeling. They were both crying in my arms."

When he looked up at her, the first thing he was met with was her hand against his cheek. 

"I'm sure you tried your best to protect them. I know you."

He just sighed and leaned into her touch. They were silent again. 

"Where are the kids?"

He looked at her with confusion, but then realized what was going on - the doctor had warned him, too, that she might suffer temporary amnesia. He just hoped, for her sake, that she recovered from that soon enough. 

"I'm happy you're here," she whispered when he didn't respond. Perhaps she was realizing what was happening, perhaps she suddenly remembered that he had already answered that question.

"I'm happy you're awake," he replied, kissing her knuckles again. "I hated seeing you like that."

They were silent then, and eventually he found himself in her arms on the bed. He knew they wouldn't live forever, but he was glad today was not the day they would have to part.

 

~...~

 

She was released the same day with the advice to stay in bed and rest - Phil knew that wasn't something she could listen to, ever, so he knew he would have to force her. Maybe he could convince her with some green tea or a good book, but while he thought it, he knew there was no chance in hell she'd allow him to manipulate her like that. 

She was very sleepy, however, the short-lived coma they had kept her in playing tricks on her brain, no doubt. He was about to carry her out of the car into their home but she protested, claiming she could walk on her own. Why was she so stubborn? Why wouldn't she just let him take care of her?

But when they went inside, she wrapped her arms around him and he felt her legs give in, and he realized that Melinda was still keeping up appearances in public. Because while she was sweet, kind and warm at home, she was still trying to stay the 'ice-queen' as most people call her in public. It didn't work, especially not when the boys were around, but somehow it did touch him that she allowed him to see that part of her that she still hid from most people. Then again, practically everybody in their family received that attention from her now, but he knew it was still meaningful that she trusted him like that. 

"Bed?" he whispered, his lips close to her ear. She was already half asleep, but she still muttered something that should have probably kept him from bringing her to bed - he would do it anyway, despite what she had answered. 

She was in bed, and she was safe, and now he could really focus on his plan to brutally murder the man who had put her into this position in the first place.

But first, tea.

 

~...~

 

Spending some alone time with Daisy was always nice, because with their busy, hectic family lives, they hardly had time for this anymore. It always didn’t sit well with him that they hadn’t done something like this in years.

Well, meeting up with just the two of them. The reason for meeting up was totally not something they should be busying themselves with.

The last time he had let revenge take over his body and soul, he had ended up on some god forsaken planet and had only caused their lives to be even more miserable by giving Hive a vessel to get to Earth. He promised himself he wouldn’t go that far anymore, but he would go pretty far, still.

“Are you sure this is the one?” he asked Daisy, looking around him to see if there was anybody around. The streets were practically deserted.

“Positive. Phil,” she started, turning to look at him. She had tried to change his mind four times in the past ten minutes. “Are we sure we want to do this?”

“He hurt Melinda. Now, I’ll hurt him.”

“Just don’t kill him or anything.”

“Can’t promise anything.”  
He started to move towards their subject but her hand on his forearm stopped him. She made him turn back around to face her.

“Phil Coulson. We both have kids now. I don’t want either of us to end up in jail. I want to see my daughter grow up.”

Those words made his anger calm down a little. He was going to hurt the asshole who had put that shit in Melinda’s drink, and he had even had a dream one night in which he killed the SOB, but he now realized that he really couldn’t go as far as when he had killed Grant Ward.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head and, convinced that he wouldn’t take a life today, they walked towards the house and rang the bell. It took a while for someone to open, but then Phil was face-to-face with the one man he had come here for. He felt his anger reignite, but just before he was able to say anything, Daisy took over.

“Hi. My friend and I were walking through the neighborhood when we spotted your car on the driveway.” She took a step back and pointed to the vintage Citroen DS parked out front, a ‘For Sale’ sticker on the windshield. “We were interested.”

The man smiled and nodded, and invited them in. As soon as he closed the door behind them, Daisy had him in a chokehold, her lips close to his ear. He didn’t really seem surprised at this turn of events, or perhaps he was very good at faking.

“You spiked my mother’s drink the other night. Do you remember?”

He stayed wisely quiet and suddenly Phil realized that he didn’t really want to hurt this man after all. He thought of his boys, of how he wanted them to behave and be polite and responsible, and what he was doing was actually quite the opposite of a good example.

“Oh, the old hag?” the man breathed, some air apparently still passing through Daisy’s tight hold. “Yeah, I remember.”

Or perhaps Phil _did_ want to hurt him.

He grabbed one of his hands and turned the fingers back, almost snapping one, and the man suddenly had no more words, and just looked at Phil, pleading not to break his fingers.

“She might suffer permanent brain damage,” Phil stated, calmly, way cooler than he had ever expected to be. He had thought he might kill the bastard, but he realized the man was just… pathetic. “She might never be the same again. And all because you wouldn’t accept no.”

Daisy let the man go, allowing him to say something if he wanted to, but it was obvious by her stance that she would grab him again if he was disrespectful in any way.

“She was easy. She was alone and she was looking the other way.”

“It still didn’t give you the right to drug her.” Phil stepped closer until their faces almost touched. “You’re lucky she didn’t notice what you did, because trust me when I say she would have broken every bone in your body.”

“Look, man, I don’t know why you’re here, but-”

“I’m here to prevent you from ever doing this to someone else again. We have eyes everywhere.”

Daisy emphasized that sentence by showing the camera images, and the man seemed suddenly shocked that he was caught like that, that they had actually managed to hack the cameras and get this footage.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Never do this again.”

The man raised his hands and looked at Phil again. “Look, if I see a beautiful woman and she says no, am I not allowed to-”

“No.”

“Even if she’s-”

“No.”

“But no really means-”

“It means no. No means no. I’m not leaving you alone until you have realized that.”  
“Then you’ll be here for a while.”

“I guess so. I have all day.”

After a few minutes of awkward silence, the man sighed and shook his head.

“Whatever, man. I wasn’t even really interested anyway.”

“I’m glad that she,” Phil said, pointing at Daisy, “took my wife home, or I could possibly have had to tell our children that some pervert killed their mother.”

“Shit man, I didn’t know.”  
“Then maybe next time, take that into consideration.”

Phil knew they weren’t going to get anything out or into him, so they left the house and walked back to their car.

“Do you feel relieved?” Daisy asked him as she got into the passenger’s side, already munching on some chips she had stored in the glove compartment.

Phil shook his head. “Just… disappointed. You expect a demon, and it’s just this sad little man.”

She nodded and he started the car. Disappointing. Well, at least he still had Melinda with him. That was all that really counted.

 

~…~

 

One thing that definitely made Coulson hate Colin Slim, as he had gotten to learn, was the fact that even Josh and Dinesh, aged nine and five respectively, understood that what Colin had done was wrong. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that Coulson had started early on with trying to teach the boys about consent, but that definitely could not really be the case with Dinesh. He had only been with them for about nine months,  it maybe Josh’s good manners had rubbed off on the boy.

“Daddy?”

Coulson looked at Dinesh, who climbed onto the couch and carefully slipped into Coulson’s arms. Coulson had seen that the boy had been in their bedroom before coming here, and while Coulson wanted to keep both boys from being more emotionally scarred from seeing Melinda in her current state, he would never keep them from seeing their mother. They loved her, too, so they deserved to have some time with her.

“He is a bad man, right?”

“Who?”

“Colin.”

Coulson looked at Dinesh, brushing the boy’s hair out of his face, brushing his cheeks.

“Yes, he is. Do you know _why_ he’s bad?”

“Well, because he did things that Mommy didn’t want.”

Coulson nodded.

“That’s why I think it’s so important that I ask for your consent when we hug or kiss. I never want to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. And the same applies to you. I know it might be a lot to take in now… but I always want you to be aware that you should ask for someone’s permission when you touch them or hug them. If Josh doesn’t want you to hug and he says stop, I want you to stop. Just as I want him to stop when you want him to. Do you understand that, Dinesh?”

“I guess.”

Coulson looked at Dinesh registering this life lesson, but he realized that this was in fact probably too soon and the boy was too young. He hoped that this situation with Melinda showed both boys, and maybe their nieces, too, that consent was everything and that it was unforgivable to ignore someone’s ‘no’ or ‘stop’. And Coulson would take every opportunity from that moment on, even more than he already had, to show them right from wrong.

“But Mommy will be okay, right?”

“Of course, Dinesh. She’s been through worse.”

That seemed to satisfy his worries, and they sat together for a while.

“You know what will do Mommy good? Tea.”

Dinesh smiled brightly and already moved to get all the ingredients for his mother’s favorite beverage. Coulson couldn’t help himself from sneaking a quick glance into their bedroom, knowing their sons would soon take up most of her attention, and she looked up as he stepped into their room.

“Hey.”

He kissed her lips and she put a hand in the back of his neck, trying to pull him closer. He smiled and gave in, just briefly, knowing their youngest son was trying to make tea and could get seriously injured. But then, he heard the front door open and close quite loudly, indicating the arrival of their oldest son, who had a habit of slamming doors. Coulson knew he had a bit more time with her, now that Josh could supervise his brother.

“How are you?” he asked her, his hands on her hips, not to pull on her or anything, just to let him know that she was still there.

She had been released from the hospital but she still had a way to go to full recovery. It was likely that she would suffer some brain damage, probably memory loss, but while it should make him feel angry, he was just… glad, in a way. It could have turned out so much worse and he was therefore glad that this was the ‘worst’ of it. And she had showed him since she had come back home that she was happy to be alive.

“Hmm.”

She kissed his lips again, and he was unashamed to fall into a make-out session quickly, but when she wrapped her arms around his neck, the thought of the two little boys preparing tea downstairs gnawed at him and he pulled away.

“They’re making tea.”

She smiled and brushed his cheeks. She understood what he was trying to say.

“Go. I’ll be right here.”

He was incredibly grateful for that, and had every star to thank that they would live to see another day.

“I tried to teach Dinesh a little about consent. I, uh, don’t know if everything actually arrived in his brain.”

Melinda smiled. Coulson adjusted her pillow a little, falling into her trap once again when she linked their lips.

“He’s five.”

“I know, but I can’t help but think that if his parents had taught him consent early on, that… _he_ ,” he wouldn’t grace that monster by naming him, “wouldn’t have done this in the first place. I want to raise my sons to be better.”

“And they will be better, I promise. You’re showing them every day what love and consent and respect look like.”

“How?”

She ran a hand through his thin hair and her eyes softened way more than they already had. He still couldn’t believe sometimes how much she trusted him, that she dared show this incredibly emotional and beautiful side to him.

“With me. You show them every day how much you love me. They know that a loving relationship requires consent and communication. And… they are like you, both are. I can see that they look at you and take over your behavior. They're so sweet and gentle with me. They are like that because you are, too.”

“I've never told them about any of that, though.”

“Not necessary. Actions speak louder than words. They see respect so they show respect.”

He nodded, understanding what she was trying to tell him. She smiled and reached in for another kiss, but he pulled away briefly to say something else.

“But I won’t accept that they’ve only got this good behavior from me.”

“Okay, maybe some of it came from me, too. Or their aunts and uncles. But a good example asks to be followed, and they respect you, us. They are showered with love and respect and that has raised them well.”

Some bickering downstairs interrupted their conversation, and they smiled at each other, kissed, before he moved to go downstairs.

“Don’t ever doubt yourself, Phil Coulson. You’re an incredible human being, and anyone would be honored to be compared to you.”

It was the first thing she had said since leaving the hospital that he could understand without being within arm’s reach. She was improving, and together with her kind words, it made his heart swell.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Coulsons try their very best to get back to normal life.

May could definitely tell that her boys were traumatized a little, one boy perhaps more than the other. But both boys sought out a bit more close contact after the incident, wanting to confirm to themselves that she was still alive.

Josh in particular took the whole ordeal harshly. He had already been dealing with fears of death, after a parent of one of his classmates had passed away at too young an age, but after having seen his own mother in a bad moment like that, she wasn’t surprised that he had gone back a step or two in maturity. (Which was fine, honestly it was.)

Dinesh was better with the whole thing, which did surprise her a little. He had been so dependent on her when he had first got here, but it seemed as though he had moved on quickly. Perhaps it was his way of dealing with it, pushing everything down, she wasn’t quite sure yet. Or perhaps he really had moved on, which was still a possibility. After all, she was still alive, so perhaps Dinesh realized that all things considered, he should be cherishing the fact that she was still there.

“Mommy?”

She looked up to find her oldest son in the doorway, one of his hands resting on the frame, the other fumbling with the strings on his hoodie.

“Yes, Josh?”

“Can I hug you?”

“Of course, baby. C’me here.” She lifted the covers of the bed and he slipped underneath, sighing softly as he settled in her arms. He had once been extremely bubbly, announcing his presence before you even saw him. With everything that had been happening, she had hardly noticed it all, but suddenly she saw him for what he was now.

“Josh? Are you okay?”

He didn’t respond, just settled into her side even more.

“I'm sorry that bad man hurt you, Mommy.”

“What? Oh baby, that is nothing  _ you _ should apologize for.”

“But he hurt you.”

“He did, but you had nothing to do with it. You don't have to apologize for something you didn't actually do.”

“I could have protected you better, Mommy.”

Her heart melted a little at the boy’s sweetness, but there was still more to this situation than he was letting on. She held him in her arms, hoping that that could bring out the truth, knowing it had before and hoping that she hadn't lost him too much in the few days she had been unable to do anything.

“How is school?”

And that broke the little boy. As though she had announced that someone had died, he sobbed in her arms, his own arms wrapping around her tightly. 

“I don't want to go to school anymore, Mommy!”

“Why not?”

“I hate school!”

“Any reason why?”

“No, I just hate it!”

“Alright.”

She held him through his sobbing until he had calmed down enough, then adjusted both of them so they could look each other in the eye.

“Josh? You can tell me anything, you know that, right?”

“I'm afraid that you'll die, Mommy.”

“Okay, I can understand that. I won't die yet, though, so you'll have to put up with me a lot longer.”

“Yet? You'll die, Mommy?” His voice was pure panic at that point.

“Of course, we'll all die eventually. But I won't die any time soon.”

“Will Daddy die?”

“Very far away in the future.”

“I don't want you or Daddy to die, Mommy.”

“I know, baby. But it will happen eventually. But there's no reason to be sad about it, considering we still have each other today. Why should we be sad about something that will happen far away in the future?”

“Because it  _ will  _ happen, Mommy. You don't understand.”

“But I do, baby.” She made him look at her again after he had averted his eyes. “I lost my Mommy and Daddy, remember? And while it hurt, I survived it. And you will, too. Because you're so much stronger than I am, so much stronger than I'll ever be.”

She knew he would never believe it, and that was okay. She also knew that she was right - she would make damn sure that he would never end up in the same situations that she had been in over the years, and she would make sure he never made the mistake of becoming a spy. He could be anything he wanted, except for that. It had only brought his family immense pain, she didn't want him to feel that, too.

“I love you, Mommy,” Josh whispered, and he sat up straight so their faces were on the same level. He leaned in to kiss her lips, like he had so often before, but decided to kiss her cheeks, instead. She guessed, with a heavy heart she had to accept that he was getting older now, even though age-wise he was still in single digits. He had given up trying to keep her from calling him baby, but he was trying to mature in other ways. She on the other hand was trying to keep him young for just a little younger - he was already growing up way too fast.

“I love you too, Josh. Anything else you want to talk to me about?”

He shook his head, already climbing down from the bed and walking out. “I'm good.”

She would pay more attention to him from that moment on.

 

~...~

 

She did not come out of her attack (which is what he had started calling it, because it was nothing short of an assault, in his eyes) unscathed - she had short term memory loss, which was not the worst memory loss to have because it meant she still remembered her past memories, knew who they were and remembered all of their sweet moments together, but it was just difficult for her to remember things on a short term. Meaning, she would forget if she brushed her teeth or had trouble following movie plots. 

She knew that she was suffering from it, and she never denied that she had it. One time, however, she was driving home after having picked up the kids from school and it took fifteen minutes longer than usual, and when he was already starting to panic slightly, she called him, as though she had sensed that he was worried.

“I’m lost.”

“You’re lost?”

“Yeah. I don’t remember where we live.”

He frowned and got up from the couch, ready to put on a coat and go get her, but he knew she wouldn’t like that in the slightest. 

“Maybe I do remember. I know we’re close.”

He heard Josh in the background, trying to discuss with his mother where they were, his voice maybe a little bit laced with a laugh - maybe afterwards, they could have a laugh about it. Now, however, was not that time. 

“What do you see? What street are you on?”

“I see that pretty house with the red roof, on the corner. Oh, a cute girl with blonde curls walking a rat- uh, a dog.” He heard both boys chuckle and he had no doubt she was lightening the mood. Perhaps he was the only one who could hear the panic in her voice. “I don’t remember if I need to turn left or right at the end.”

“Which way are you facing?”

“I don’t have a compass built in, Phil.”

“You don’t?” He could practically hear her rolling her eyes. “Is the red roof on your right or left?”   
“Left.”

“Then you need to turn right at the end of the street.”

“Okay.” He heard the phone being passed onto somebody else, then the telltale sounds of a car starting. “Josh, put the phone on speaker.”

He gave her a couple more instructions until he heard the boys cheer and Melinda chuckle a little. Before he was able to say anything else, he heard the front door open and two enthusiastic (and giggling) boys entered the house. They talked to him but eventually lost interest and went upstairs to play together.

Melinda entered the room, and he was not surprised to find her a little sad and disappointed, mostly at herself. He pulled her close and kissed her, hopefully reassuring her that none of this was her fault.   
“I could have endangered the kids.”

“You would have endangered them if you left them alone. But you didn’t. So no harm done.”

“I just can’t stand this memory loss.”

He nodded, understanding her annoyance. He nuzzled his nose against hers and she sighed, but this time in bliss, wrapping her arms tightly around him and losing herself in his hold.

“I don’t know where I would be without you,” she whispered. “You’re like my live notebook.”

He chuckled and kissed the corner of her mouth.

“Should think about getting you an actual notebook. You know, you can practice your short term memory.”

“I’m not going to a shrink.”

“Not necessary.”

He brought her a book full of crosswords the next day, and she gave him an annoyed look at first, but after only a couple she realized it was really helping.

She should know by now that he would always look out for her.

 

~…~

 

Dinesh’s first birthday since joining their family was met by excitement and anticipation - mostly by Josh, who had asked a ton of questions regarding the subject (“Will I also get presents?”). Dinesh was less interested, perhaps even a little scared, as he was unsure what he could expect. Sure, they had gone to multiple birthdays before but they had only stayed for an hour or two, and they had gotten cake but that was about the only thing he knew of the thing.

“Are you excited for your birthday tomorrow, Dinesh?” May asked, rubbing the flour off her hands by wiping them on her jeans. She knew they left an imprint - she didn’t really care. She put some chocolate garnish on one of the birthday cakes she was baking for Dinesh, before putting it in the oven and looking at her youngest son, who in the minutes she had spent finishing up the cake, hadn’t said a single word. “Dinesh?”

“I’m scared.”

“Oh baby. What are you scared of?”

He shrugged and shoved his little hands in his pockets, looking at the ground. 

“I don’t know…” He looked up at her again and she saw there were tears in his eyes. She almost fell to her knees to brush them away, even if her old joints were protesting at that action. She would give her soul so that her babies could live peacefully. “I don’t want to be the center of attention.”

Oh. Well, that was understandable. They had had some heart-to-heart moments before, and while he was still too young to be able to put some words to his feelings, but he had explained some things that had been true at the orphanage and which she had been able to connect to some of his current behavior. She guessed at the orphanage, with so many kids to take care of, he was not used to be the single receiver of (positive) attention, so it probably overwhelmed him. She thought that maybe therapy would work for him, because she and Phil had also gone to some sessions to deal with their screwed up past, but then the little boy would smile at her and she would forget all about the idea. She knew it could be a front, and it probably was, but she wouldn’t force him into anything that he didn’t want to be in.

“We can take it slowly, if you want? There will only be people you know. I can call them to ask when they’ll be here?”

“No Mommy! You don’t understand!”

“Then help me understand, Dinesh. Talk to me.”

He sniffed but gave in to sobs eventually, and she held him after he had stepped into her waiting arms. Just because she was used to the experience didn’t mean she liked to see and feel him crying in her arms. She always felt that somehow, she had failed him in some way, even though she was mostly certain that this wasn’t her fault.

“Mommy… I’ve never had a real birthday before,” he whispered when he had finally calmed down.

“Then isn’t that more to look forward to?”

“No! I…”

“You don’t know what to expect.”

“I guess.”

“But little Dinesh, there’s nothing to worry about. We will be with you the entire day, and if you feel overwhelmed you can always come to me, or go to your room, like you always do. It’s no different than any other days, except you get to have cake and presents aaall day long. And if you want, you can even stay up late tomorrow, considering the day after tomorrow it’s Sunday. And you get to pick what you want to have for dinner, it’s our little birthday tradition.”

“Like Daddy picked the Chinese restaurant for his birthday?” Dinesh asked, and they both chuckled a little at the memory. He had wanted to be cultural but after a decade of marriage to her and three decades of being friends, he still didn’t know how to use chopsticks. Or perhaps it was an act - she did love to see that big doof mess around like he did. And she had loved to see Josh lecture his father about his utensil use.

“Exactly. You don’t have to decide now, you have the entire day to think about it tomorrow.”

He nodded, but she could tell that he was already going over his options. She smiled at him, but noticed he got serious again.

“Mommy?”

“Yes?”

“Can we eat Indian food tomorrow?”

“Of course,” she answered him honestly. Josh usually chose McDonald's or Burger King, but it didn't surprise her that Dinesh went for this option. “I’ll ask you about it tomorrow again, if you still want to eat Indian food, we will definitely eat that.”

Dinesh smiled at her promise and they hugged some more. She couldn’t help but brush his tears off his cheeks. “Are you still scared?”

“A little.”

“That’s okay. I hope you’ll see tomorrow that there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“Okay. I trust you, Mommy.”

“Good. Because I'll always protect you, no matter what happens. You can always count on me to be there.”

He nodded, and then continued with what he was doing. She smiled faintly as she watched him move on.

She would move heaven and earth for her boys, all three of them, just to make sure they lived the live they wanted and deserved.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which May once again tries to teach Josh about racism and bullying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I keep putting off publishing for this story. I realized nobody was really interested in it anymore so I used this chapter to finish everything. Might not be a satisfying an ending as you all had hoped for, but it was the best I could manage considering the circumstances.   
> I hope you'll enjoy!

The truth had come out of Josh eventually, albeit slightly reluctantly.

He was the only ‘ethnic’ child in a group full of white kids, and while it had never really been a problem for Josh personally, the other kids had never really ditched their views on race from years back. In this trying time for the entire class, with a change in learning and the inevitable higher grade, some of the kids had started to lash out at Josh again.

He didn’t take their shit, that much was certain when May had contacted his teacher to ask about any abnormalities in the classroom, but Josh was too sweet and kind to fully get them off his back. Combined with what happened to her, he was seemingly falling apart slowly.

Maybe it would have been easier if he had been born just a little sooner, because then he could have been in Blair’s class, and he would have had a familiar face to turn to.

May had needed some therapy to regain herself a little, after the incident, but also to find good ways to talk about it to her sons - she knew Phil was very big on teaching them about consent, but the main thing for her was that they didn’t develop any nasty side effects from this traumatic experience. Her therapist had, however, taken in her description of Josh’s behavior and had warned her that he might be developing some form of PTSD, and that it was better to nip that in the bud soon before it would seriously inhibit him from development.

“I don’t want to be Chinese anymore, Mommy.”

And he had said this time and time again in the past, mainly because the other kids didn’t understand that there were physical differences like that in the world, and she had made the mistake of believing that he had gotten over this - no, more importantly, that his peers had gotten over this, because he couldn’t be blamed for their racism.

“Well, we can’t undo your Chinese-ness.”

“I wish I looked more like Daddy.”

“What, like a dork?”

“Daddy is not _that_ much of a dork, Mommy.”

He was right, of course, when was he not?

“Mommy, I don’t want them to bully Dinesh, too.”

“Who’s saying they will?”

“Because he’s not white. And… they don’t like kids who are not white.”

Perhaps the reason he was hurting so much by their bullying, well, _racism_ really, was because he had such a mature soul. He could pick up on the tiniest injustices, and while he wouldn’t always act on it, knowing where his limits were, he wouldn’t shy away from pointing out what a load of BS people were talking - but then, PG.

Or perhaps him growing up in a multiracial family really did do him wonders, and with him, all of the kids, really. None of them would hurt each other, not just because they knew they were all equal, but they just simply loved each other. They didn’t let something as stupid as skin color or gender hold them back from having fun together. And May knew that it frustrated Josh that his peers at school didn’t have the same mindset as his nieces and nephews.

“Baby Josh,” she started, running her fingers through his hair, “there will always be injustices in the world. Life isn’t fair, it was never supposed to be like that. And people like us… people who ‘stand out’, we’ll never _not_ stand out. We’re not white, and we’ll never be white, and that’s not a good nor a bad thing. We’re our own us, and yes, we’re Asian, you, Dinesh, me, but we’re so much more than our race. We’re… a Mommy, and we’re brothers, and we’re really good at baking and tickling Daddy, and we are all that not because we’re Asian, but because we just are who we are.”

She kissed his forehead and looked him in the eye again.

“But you’re my baby, and I’m Asian. And you are Josh, you are my baby and you’re also Asian. That’s what makes you, you.”  
She paused and gave him room to say something, if he wanted to. He remained silent so she continued, instead.

“I really respect that you want to save Dinesh from this.” It briefly reminded her of his big sister wanting to keep him from this same faith, but May realized with a heavy heart that this circle of racism in their society was just that - a circle. It would never be broken, not really, unless more people stood up against the injustices, but she guessed it was too soon for this little town. “That’s what I love about you.”

“Dinesh is Asian?”

She chuckled faintly. She knew he had done research into India but she wasn’t surprised half of the information had not stuck. He had been too busy finding out what Dinesh liked to play with, what his favorite action heroes could be, and that was exactly what they should focus on. They were different on a bunch of levels, but on the important ones, they were practically the same.  

“Of course, Joshy. You know India is in Asia.”

He nodded a little too quickly and she smiled at him. “Of course I knew that.”

She pulled him close and he nestled into her arms again. Some things had never changed, and she was still reminded of little baby Josh holding onto her shirt while she was feeding him, her arms seemingly calming him down.

“You are so, so loved, Josh, and you are never alone, you should never forget that. People say mean things to get ahead, but they forget what consequences it could have on somebody else. You should never, ever let anyone talk about you in a way you don’t like. You are allowed to say something about it, even though it feels a little weird at first. Some people don’t even know they’re saying mean things until you point it out to them. People can always learn. And you know better than them, so you can teach them.”

He nodded and he looked up from his position against her chest. She could faintly make out tiny tapping feet coming closer, but instead of keeping him away from this conversation, knowing that she could have kept this a private thing between Josh and her, she wanted Dinesh to know, too, that racism was still a thing and that he was always better than their mean words.

She lifted one of her arms to allow Dinesh to slip into the free space, the two boys cuddling close to each other and to her. Her heart warmed at the sight - to imagine she had feared that these two wouldn’t like each other. She couldn’t be more wrong.

“If you ever feel like somebody said something so mean you don’t know how to respond, it is okay to take a breath and take a step back. You can even call in a grown-up, if you really need help. They might not make the words better, but at least they can protect you.”

“I can protect myself, Mommy,” Dinesh said, but his voice was the complete opposite of his powerful words. She knew he would eventually be able to protect himself, she had no doubt about that - but right now, he was a six year old boy who was only just meeting the big, bad outside world, where people might judge him for his color just to better their own position. She wanted to protect him against all that, but Josh at that age had shown her that she had to let them go every once in a while - it was the best way to develop independence. Even if it meant they would get hurt - it was the tough life of a mother.

“Well, just in case that fails, I just heard Josh telling me that he wants to protect you.”

Dinesh looked at his big brother, a small smile pulling on his lips.

“When somebody says mean words, what do you do, Dinesh?”

“I use words?”

“Exactly. I never want either of you to hit anyone, for whatever reason, especially not each other. You are better than that.”

Josh butted in. “But we know this already, Mommy.”

“I know that, baby. I just wanted to repeat that, just in case you forgot.”

Both boys shook their head, showing her they hadn’t forgotten. She once again left some time for them to think.

“But Mommy,” Dinesh started, “what if they hit me first?”

“You still shouldn’t hit them. It’s best to get a grown-up in that situation, I guess.”

“But isn’t that snitching?” Josh questioned.

“Snitching is bad, right?” Dinesh asked.

“Well, no, it’s not snitching if somebody really hurt you,” May explained. “It’s never a bad thing to ask for help, and if your words no longer work, then there’s no shame in asking for a grown-up.”

Both boys seemed to let that sink in, when Dinesh asked the next question. She was used to her inquisitive boys by now, but sometimes they did overwhelm her with their questions, but she wasn’t ashamed to admit that she didn’t always know the answer and that she would get into that later.

“So can anybody just say something about me?”

And that was the crux of the situation, in a way. Because a lot of actions would just mean that they condoned that awful behavior, and racism was never a good thing.

“If somebody says something hurtful, you can always tell them you didn’t like what they said. Like… just say something like, ‘that thing you said really hurt me’, or, ‘I would prefer it if you didn’t say something like that in the future, because I didn’t like it’.”

“But won’t they get mad?” Dinesh asked.

“But they said the mean words!” Josh countered. “They are not allowed to be mad.”

“Of course they’re allowed to be mad, Josh, we can never discredit somebody’s feelings. But the most important thing is to tell that person that their words hurt you, and I can almost guarantee, they will learn. And if they get mad, just walk away. They’ll cool off eventually.”

She had said this all before to Josh, although she had started way too late. But somehow, every time this subject came back up, she just found herself explaining it again. Not necessarily because she feared he didn’t remember it - mainly she revisited the subject to show him support, and that she was helping him cope.

“We should put them in time-out,” Josh joked, his voice a little quieter than it was before, as though he also realized that he had been in time-out a lot in the past, but she just figured that it was an attempt at humor. Dinesh in his turn giggled at the suggestion.

“You would like that, Dinesh?” May said, a smile on her face. He nodded and giggled even louder, getting Josh to join after a few seconds, and within mere moments, they were simply a laughing mess in each other’s arms.

She loved these silly little boys.

Eventually, the boys calmed down, and while still in her arms, they focused on each other, Josh brushing Dinesh’s cheek and the little boy just looking at the movement from the corner of his eyes.

“मैं हमेशा आपकी रक्षा करूंगा। तुम मेरे बच्चे भाई हो” _*I will always protect you. You’re my baby brother.*_

She didn’t need translation to know what Josh had just told Dinesh, even though she surprised herself realizing that she could understand the gist of it. It also surprised her that he seemed to be so fluent in this language, while he had often struggled with Mandarin, but then she realized that he had a Hindi speaking buddy to play with now, instead of his Mandarin speaking mother. And she had a feeling it was easier to pick up on that language because Dinesh was more or less his age, and Dinesh often struggled with English, so Josh was often forced to speak Hindi with him.

If only Josh had learned Mandarin the same way he had learned Hindi, because Mandarin _was_ a part of his heritage, no matter how many times May could try to refuse it. But he was like her when she was that age, stubborn, not wanting to learn, wanting to be just like all the other kids. None of her peers spoke Mandarin, none of her peers even spoke a second language, but in the end she had realized that she could never escape from the fact that her mother was Chinese, and that she herself was Chinese-American.

Well. The most important thing to May was that her boys didn’t just speak English. (She and Phil spoke multiple languages, although Phil didn’t speak most of them fluently.) She wanted them to be able to express themselves across the border, and perhaps Hindi wasn’t her first choice, but considering it was Dinesh’s history, she could cut them some slack. She knew next year Josh would start learning Spanish in school - perhaps he could pick up some of that, more than just the basics his Auntie Elena had taught him.

“मैं तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ, जोश।” _*I love you, Josh.*_

“मैं भी तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ, दिनेश।” _*I love you too, Dinesh.*_

To imagine, almost ten years ago, upon finding out she was pregnant, she had wanted to end everything, she had been so scared, certain she would fail as a mother, certain she would mess up a poor child for life. But now, looking at these two little boys, who loved each other and her so dearly, she realized she really hadn't done a bad job as a mother.

She might even admit, she was a good Mom. Talk about character development. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, that was it! I still have some things written for this story, might publish it separate from this so as not to mess with the fluffy nature of this fic (those other chapters I have written are increasingly dark, so I didn't want to burden anybody with that...)  
> Also, I have several other fics, not related to this one, ready to be published, and I just might, one of these days. I prefer to proofread them a million times before showing them to the rest of the world. Oh well!  
> I hope you enjoyed this fic, let me know what you thought please, and thanks once again for the continued support and kind words during all those months! Thanks thanks THANKS!


End file.
